truth-is-blind
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2024 18 April :: 12.34am
:: Mood: I'm doing great
Look at me go
I'm married now! What a wild ride this has been. I'm so happy and i still feel so lost still but I get drawn back and I look at this stuff and it doesnt mean any less. It's just the way it should be. It gets better.
Dont ever stop believing. I love you.
BITE ME
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munkysaurus
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2023 25 October :: 11.13pm
:: Music: The National - About Today
A moment in time, grieved, for beauty's sake, loss.
Hey, Mr. Daily,
Whoa, you've changed! Mr. J no more. You've evolved into the DAILY! Dude, you're doing so good for yourself and I'm so glad you're still here with us. How's the wife and kids? Dad-bods are in. You're looking peak though.
Speaking of kids. I have one. I'm so proud of him. He's got a girlfriend and he's really good to her. He's a good kid. I'm proud of him.
That sun was too hot. I like where the river took me. Down stream. Strange means of travel to our destined places. I like where I landed. Thank you, Sun. Warmth comes from more than one source. Lessons learned through treacherous waves.
Daily, you look great, man. Time doesn't have anything on you. Let's have a shot of Woodford and talk about the good 'ol days.
Until next time, you fucking handsome bastard.
Your best.
BITE ME
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justadreamer
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2023 5 April :: 12.08am
I’ll have been on this site for 20 freaking years this August.
1 TOOTHMARK |
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munkysaurus
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2021 30 October :: 12.32am
Crackle fingertips upon the edge of thought
Mr. J...J meaning journal. Did you know that "jour" is a french word for day and "nal" meaning daily, so jour-nal. Daily. You're name is really daily. Daily.
You've been a friend for so long. Good and bad. A post, 20 years ago, described in such detail--the advent of a little brother. Received by a brother who was still, himself, such a young man.
Girlfriends, you figured it out. They're people and you need to find a decent one.
We shared allegory of the fall of Icarus, aspiring and burned, falling into the torrent river. Washing downstream. They don't talk about the fate of Icarus after his fall. A fool, sure, but learned in something of value.
Well, Mr. J, you are the river now. You are the storm. The sun is your device. The world is yours.
There is nothing stopping you, the world is yours.
Rest easy, past self.
Rest.
I have you now, with tender, strong arms.
Yours, Mr. J., a gentle soul somewhere in Andy's server. You listen and carry our message.
2 TOOTHMARKS |
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munkysaurus
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2021 3 January :: 9.36pm
:: Music: David Bowie - Lazarus
Time is not a stream, but a thick and chunky undertow...
Mr. J,
That's what Harley Quinn calls the Joker. But we both know that's not here or there.
You scallywag, how's the slipstream time-dream beauty Queen? :P I kid you, you're a wonderful soul for heeding the now with me.
But, isn't life such a rope finger's-length from grasp?
The puzzle is never truly solved, only provides more questions. Ideas so intimate in proximity, suddenly so distant. And the vice versa.
If time is a body of water-like substrate, is there a shore, beach or rocky precipice in which I may glimpse and enjoy it's better amusings?
Maybe it's you, my dear friend. Only a condensed series of switches held within place against the better of your nature. Anti-equilibrium :P I figured you out.
You know it's not time yet, but what does that even mean?
Maintain the heading and wind direction, let's rendezvous s'il vous plait avec vous chez du temps.
At all the hour <3
BITE ME
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gideon
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2020 25 February :: 9.20pm
:: Mood: blah
Nobody ever asks me if I want to do anything, it’s always me asking others.
1 TOOTHMARK |
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gideon
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2018 23 October :: 6.22pm
Time
How is anyone?
1 TOOTHMARK |
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truth-is-blind
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2016 30 April :: 9.41pm
Holy shit guys
I guess I don't care about the security of this journal entry. I'm not sure if I actually want to journal or just post that I'm alive.
Well. Here I am. Alive. Wheeeee.
I am too shameful to go back and re-read some of my entries but yknow lets look to the future and be bright about it, huh?
Lets see where she goooooeeessss
1 TOOTHMARK |
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chibikeriana
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2015 25 October :: 7.58pm
i don't even go by keriana anymore...
The other day, a friend and I were showing each other embarrassing journal entries from our past. I dug so deep, I found this journal. I can't even look at the username without cringing anymore. Who was I. Everywhere I look is vague entries and that particular brand of pretension you only get when you're a teenager who feels too many emotions and thinks you are, somehow, the only person who has ever felt those emotions, ever, and therefore you need to find a brand new way to articulate them.
It's so weird. I need to continue my slow process of archiving this journal, but this journal has so many entries and so much history and spans so much -- by the time I was using LJ, I wasn't updating nearly as much as I updated this; these days, I updated my DW maybe a dozen times a year. A part of me really misses that old journaling culture!
And now we have twitter.
Anyway, as horrendously shameful as the contents of this journal are, I'm glad this site has stuck around. They're still memories, even if they're.
Weird.
Thanks, 14 year old me. Thanks.
5 TOOTHMARKS |
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justadreamer
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2015 28 July :: 4.37pm
Stars when you shine,
You know how I feel.
Scent of a pine,
You know how I feel.
Oh, freedom is mine,
And I know how I feel.
It's a new dawn, a new day,
a new life for me,
And I'm feeling good.
[My actual entries are all friends only; feel free to add me!]
2 TOOTHMARKS |
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justadreamer
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2014 16 December :: 3.29pm
"Shake It Out" by Florence + the Machine.
Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play
And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn
And I've been a fool, and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around
Our loved is pastured, such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back?
It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn
And I'm damned if I do, and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my rope
And I'm ready to suffer, and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat
'Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well, what the hell, I'm gonna let it happen to me
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off.
BITE ME
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xxxxxxxxxx
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2014 6 December :: 8.36am
:: Music: Daniel Tiger in the background.
4 Years?!
It's been 4 years.
4 YEARS. I feel like so much has changed, but I feel like everything is still the same within my head.
I have a 2.5 year old boy now, who is my light. I am married. I can't honestly tell you how this all happened, but it did.
Here I am. Writing in my old high school online journal.
Why? Because I feel like it will help. Help air out my thoughts and feelings, because I still hold everything in just as I did before. It helped me then, maybe it'll help now. I don't know.
I felt like I was happy. I felt as though I was heading the right direction -- I was working, I was working on getting back into school. I stopped and went a few times, trying to figure out where I wanted to be. I feel like I should have just done it. Just pushed through, but I didn't.
Then, I met my husband. I was waitressing at the Grist Mill, my last job. He was charming, so nice. I thought he was handsome, a bit rough around the edges. He was funny, he could make me laugh. A sick sense of humor.. I couldn't tell if I liked it or if I was offended. I laughed though, so I must've been into it, right? I guess. He asked me incessantly to go on a date with him. I finally accepted, and the rest is history.
We moved in together, we had so much fun together. We were like two fucking peas in a pod. I felt like he was my answer, I wished I had found him sooner. He treated me like a queen. My best friend actually liked him.. LIKED HIM. Yes, which is nearly impossible.
Then I got pregnant. 9 months into our relationship, I got knocked up. Ha! Funny. No, I was devastated. I didn't want a baby, I didn't want my life to revolve around a little tiny being that I made. I wanted my life to be that - MINE. I wanted to live for me and never lose my spontaneity. I didn't want to lose my body, my MIND.
We were married 2 months later.
9 months after that, Flynn was born. And though I struggled with being a mother at first (and still do), he is my baby, my love, my light at the end of the tunnel.
Fast forward 2.5 years, here I am. I am 50 pounds overweight, I have a feeling the bags under my eyes are never going away. I have stretch marks every where. I feel like a lump of fat and wrinkly, old skin. I am twenty-four.. 24!!!! years old. I feel like I'm 40+ .. and I feel sad a lot.
My best friend moved far, far away. I know she's doing what's best for her - but I can't help but feel sad about it. I miss her everyday, even though we talk online a lot.
My dad died in January this year.
I am/was his only child, he wasn't married. I took care of everything, because I was the only one who legally could. I found out a few things about certain family members, I met my aunt and uncle for the first time.
I have had a very hard time with my dad's death, and I wasn't sure at all how I was going to handle it. I still cry once a week, like I am now. Just thinking. Thinking, was everything I did enough? Did I do what he would have wanted? His "girlfriend" blames me for everything. We don't speak anymore, after the hurtful things she's said to me. I am better off without her in my life, even though I'd known her since birth.
I'm so glad to have met my Aunt and Uncle though - My Aunt is a saint. Such a nice, southern lady. She was so warm, so happy. It made me feel welcome and like a.. family. Something I never had with that side of my family. She invited us to Alabama to visit, gave me pictures of my dad and her as a child/teen. I was so overwhelmed with everything, but I am so glad I met them. I will treasure that day forever.
I am starting to feel more at peace, more "okay" with my choices. The cremation, the house, the car and truck. I know I made the right decisions, but I still can't help but feel uneasy, as my dad didn't tell me what he wanted. He didn't leave anything, and as abruptly as he left the world, nothing could have changed that.
My year feels like a whirlwind.
A clusterfuck.
My mind feels like it's spinning in on itself.
I need a counselor. I want a counselor.
I can't talk to my husband about things. Why? That's another post.
I talk to my best friend, but I can't keep telling her the same crap over and over. Broken record.
I feel like I am at the end of my rope. I want and yearn for REAL happiness. REAL love and hope.
This year has rained on me.
Here's to hoping 2015 brings me sunshine.
3 TOOTHMARKS |
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munkysaurus
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2014 19 September :: 10.59pm
Against the laws of nature, the wings regrow!
Darwin, what was he thinking, writing such a thing as evolution! Noticing adaptation. The environment molding the organism!
What does Darwing think of love?! Is it austere, cold and calculating?
Love is a broad term if you think about it. It should be re-examined by a comity to be subjugated and redefined.
Even in science they allow the anomaly, the thing that redefines.
Mr. J, the world! The world is mine, I inherited it when I was born. Noone realizes this. It's mine, shortly, but I own a share; a portion.
And so, I will not be a product of my environment, but a shaper of the environment around me.
The river was cold, the travel was destitute and soggy, and scary.
But I decided when to fight against the current and swim towards shore.
My muscles burned, my perilous fall; shattering. But I swam, and I swim, and swim.
And the sun is warming on the shore. Now, where to go from here?
No time for a fire, I'll set this goddamn shore on fire with ambition.
Mr J., you understand! You've kept going all these years. Stay going.
Stay going!
You're still ravashing, Mr J., a looker if there ever was one. A roman statue.
- Me
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gideon
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2014 7 September :: 4.48pm
Sorry
I haven't written much. Time and I forget.
Sorry.
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gideon
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2014 2 September :: 5.40pm
I'm Broken.
Trying to reboot self.
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gideon
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2014 22 August :: 7.50pm
Public Update
Not sure if I'll do much public. Going to take work getting into the habit to just using this again. Doesn't seem to have many active members anymore though, which is a bit saddening. Might ask Andy what traffic is like nowadays?
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munkysaurus
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2014 27 April :: 10.38pm
The difference isn't all that different, it's perception that's being percieved...
You like that title, Mr. J?
Mr. J, I gotta let you in on something.
Here's the thing, you sitting down? We're all scared. There, I said it. However, the thing I've seen is some people use these tools they've built, or acquired. Tenacity and integrity. Those aren't the only ones. But the good ones. And I mean good--like good and evil.
I can state this claim surely.
That fear, that's a driving force I've discovered. For lots of things, maybe everything! The fear is what turns the tide, what shifts the thought, the mind.
I've seen a lot of things, but I'm going to state the appalling thing is what drives most people. Not to stand against this force that is obviously so easily circumvented if a person were to only use a little effort.
Fear, fear, fear. Say it with me. It's causes things to stop, or to never have started with no real logical explanation or reason.
I think I speak for all of us when I say with utmost courtesy: FUCK YOU FEAR!!!
Having said that: I have to say that if I see those who succumb so easily to this feeble creature, this noun that shouldn't be such, I immediately think less of a person. I like to see people face that fucker and ascend what really is a very trivial and stupid thing.
....
Mr. J,
I thought about going back to Ms. E. but I don't think that's an option. She has some things to sort out, and they're things that are more of a self-revelation that something someone who loves her can help her with. The only person who can rise above it is her. It breaks my heart at the thought of cutting her loose but unfortunately I have to do it. Otherwise, I'm marooned on Big-Heart Island waiting for a ticket on a boat that no one knows the name of, which the itinerary has washed away, and sun never sets. Marooned.
So, goodbye for now, or maybe forever, Ms. E. There's things I'll always cherish. That sounds very normal, but I promise you that she was so close. So very close, by the hairs on my fucking chin.
alksjafls
Well, to bed, or to the printed word, or to the flickering screen back lighting the racing thoughts in your brain. You understanding son of bitch.
Peace, for us all if you could. To bring comfort or release to those around the world who need it. Did nature, or God(s), or whoever created us contemplate the horrible nature of being such a conscious species would entail?
Adieu, mon ami.
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softspoken
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2014 15 April :: 10.46pm
Another Beginning...
So... I have not written here in about 5 years. I went through and deleted my old stuff (I like to start fresh), so I figured I'd write a little back story for myself and whoever is reading this.
At the moment, I'm 24 years old. I'm a natural brunette with coffee eyes and a caffeine addiction. I live a few miles outside a small town in Indiana with my dad and my son, and my fiance lives about 8 miles north of here.
My son will be 3 in July; he's my life. Of all the things that make up who I am, he's the best thing. He's the perfect combination of his father, Zac, and me. He's got my cheekbones and smile, Zac's hair and multicolor eyes. He's the happiest, most well-tempered child I've ever know. He has his moments of terrible two's, but can erase every indiscretion with his adorableness (which he is well aware of).
I've been engaged to Zac for about 4 years. We were in the midst of saving to move in together when lil man showed up on the scene. So now, every month we put a little bit more back in that ol' coffee can to add to a down payment on a home. Its definitely tough, being parents and together while living separately, but it has strengthened our relationship beyond comprehension. He's the yin to my yang, as cliche as that is to say. We tend to balance each other out. He works full time as a truck loader for a small logistics company, which allows me to work part time during the winter to be home with our son.
I work at a large non-profit resale company as a book scanner and e-commerce associate part-time (usually only 1-2 days a week) during the winter, then I guess the plan this summer is to work 2 hours a week there, while I work full time for a local farm. I've been with this company for about 4 years on and off. I got pregnant within my first month there, took maternity leave the following summer, then quit the last 2 summers to work the farm because summers usually mean loss of hours because of falling sales due to it being garage sale and flea market season. This year the new store manager (we go through management like its going out of style) wants to keep me on with minimum hours so she doesn't have to have more rehires on her record since apparently that will make her look bad, though no other manager ever had a problem with it before.
I've been working at the farm for 5 years, selling produce on the side of the road at both a stand on a busy state road, and at the stand that is located on the farm. Every year, there's a little more work. In the beginning, I only worked from June to mid-September, then it was June to Halloween. Last year, I helped with the pack sales in the spring in addition to the summer and fall produce sales, then this year I've been helping with seeding so far. This week will actually be my first week of the year doing sales.
Its been tricky these last couple months with working and everything, because my mother has been in the hospital. At the beginning of February, she fell ill. She finally broke down and asked me to take her to the emergency room (she didn't have insurance, so she had been putting it off). A few hours later, I got the call that they were transferring her to an hospital in Indianapolis because they had found an aneurysm in her abdomen. It was a miracle that it hadn't burst yet. She had her repair surgery about a month later, but has been struggling with kidney issues since then. We're hoping that she'll be moved into a rehab closer to home by next week, but the doctors have been saying that for a few weeks now, so who knows. She's typically the one who takes care of JD while I work, so Zac has been having to pick up the slack, watching JD during the day while working at night, and slipping in a few hours of sleep in between, which gets kind of tricky when he's working ten hours (9:30 pm-7:30am), and I'm working 9-5. But God bless him, he does everything he can. I'm not sure how I wound up with such a wonderful man, but I thank God every day that he brought him into my life. <3
Well, I think thats a good enough back story on myself to explain most things that I will probably write about on here now. Anything else, I should be able to explain as a write. I'm doubtful anyone will be reading this, especially anyone I know, but feel free to comment.
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