One for Sorrow

:: 2010 19 June :: 2.46am

Nick and I set a date.

October 23, 2010.

No, he didn't propose yet. Yes, I'm crazy. Yes, I'm planning it already.

I just figured that if I'm going to get married by the end of the year, I should start planning. I made him set a date without formally proposing since I already know we're going to get married (and have known for years). Talking to my mom (she was naming places and planning and talking about dropping her dress off and food and who to invite...it was awesome), really kick-started the process.

I also realized time is flying by and it's almost July. Like I said, if I want to get this done this year, I should start planning now.

I'm not counting myself as engaged until the ring is on the finger but this is official, kids. I'm not joking.

I'm more excited about this than I think I will be about the proposal.

I love you all.

P.S. I wanted to get married earlier but Nick and I already have the days off of work for October (and we won't have the money by August or September) so I figured why not do it then. I hate that being an adult means planning our wedding around when we can get time off but it's better than never doing it!

P.P.S. I wanted October 10 because then it would be 10-10-10 and Nick would remember it easily. Also 101010 in binary? 42. Perfect. But Nick said he's not planning our wedding on a day "because it looks good in binary" and he sent me this:

public static main()
{
If (you == "robot")
{
Console.WriteLine("OMG!");
}
else
{
Console.WriteLine("Are you sure?);
}
}

P.P.P.S. I don't think Nick's mentioned it to his family yet. I kind of don't want to yet because his older sister just got engaged and I don't want to ruin her moment. Everyone should have a moment that is all about them. Like birthday week. I just told people at work because I was excited.

P.P.P.P.S. Nick's grandfather is doing okay. Thanks, everyone. They ended up not giving him bypass surgery and just putting stints in because they don't think he could handle bypass. However, they give him a good 3-5 years as he is so yay for mediocre health!

3 TOOTHMARKS | BITE ME

:: 2010 12 June :: 3.42am

Who you are can be better.

:: 2010 7 June :: 1.24am

Nick's grandfather had a heart attack on Saturday and had a smaller one (without knowing it) earlier last week.

He's in the ICU with very low blood pressure and a very low pulse. He was going to have surgery tomorrow but his blood pressure is still very low and the blood thinners haven't left his system yet.

He's in the hospital up in Cadillac. As long as the surgery goes well, we will be visiting him later this week. Luckily, Nick and I both have some days off already scheduled (for our anniversary but whatever, family is first).

Happy thoughts would be welcome.

Love you kids.

4 TOOTHMARKS | BITE ME

truth-is-blind

:: 2010 3 June :: 9.21pm

This feels a lot like balls, and a lot less like awesome.

1 TOOTHMARK | BITE ME

:: 2010 31 May :: 2.56am

Nick and I are moving to the Seattle area (Redmond or Bellevue, probably) next year.

This is as long as he finishes what he's doing at CC and gets accepted to the school he wants to go to out there. Both of which are very likely and probably most definitely will happen.

So, I'm already pretty nervous/excited about this. Moving out west means higher rent, higher gas prices, higher everything but it's what we've wanted to do for a long time and now we have the chance to do it. Plus it means maybe a scooter for me which ohmanissoexcitingkidsiamsoexcited.

Things I am currently nervous about:
The actual moving process
Moving our 2 cats
Finding a job
Finding a place to live

Any tips on cross-country or long distance moving between now and July 2011 would be appreciated. I have moved states before but only when I was too young to help out or know the logistics of the whole process. And it was never more than 6 hours away. Also, any Seattle advice would be welcomed with open arms.

I love you all.

P.S. This move means we definitely will get married this year. Exclamation point.

7 TOOTHMARKS | BITE ME

:: 2010 29 May :: 12.59am

im sick of this pointless drama shit.
Don't tell me how to live my life, and that I need to get my shit together.
What shit do i have that's out of order?

God damn it.
punks.

:: 2010 20 May :: 6.37pm

Knowing how fragile mortality is and then if not completely disregarding it.

:: 2010 13 May :: 9.51am

He's Captain America, not Captain Government.

7 TOOTHMARKS | BITE ME

:: 2010 10 May :: 1.45pm

I got an invite to my high school reunion. The thought of going makes me want to cry.

I just saw these people. I haven't changed. My hair is a little shorter, I guess. I got new glasses. I've been dating the same guy I dated in high school for almost 6 years now and I've been living with him for the past 3 years. I'm a supervisor in a call center. None of these things make me want to see these people.

Oh and look at what the invite says: "Remember parents, even though children aren't invited, bring pictures!!" SOME OF THESE PEOPLE HAVE KIDS. KIDS THAT I HAVE TO FEIGN INTEREST IN. I'M NOT EVEN ENGAGED. PUKE PUKE PUKE.

Also, if I wanted to reconnect or see any of these people, I'd already have done so.

That being said, I still haven't decided if I'm going.

2 TOOTHMARKS | BITE ME

:: 2010 7 May :: 3.13am

Spoiler Alert: Tony Stark finds the Green Lantern's crossbow in New Mexico at the end of Iron Man 2.

13 TOOTHMARKS | BITE ME

xxxxxxxxxx

:: 2010 6 May :: 11.16am

So, today is a new day.

It's really crazy how fast people's emotions can change.
I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself, and wanting things and not getting them. I feel bad that I put it on the internet so other people can find it and say, "wow, that girl's an effing complainer." Yeah.. if I found my journal on the internet and read it, I'd feel pretty plain stupid.

My life's not bad. At all. Certain aspects? Yes. 100% of the time? No. I hate coming off that way. I like my life, I just need to step it up, get out of my shell. I'm starting to make a list in my head to see what it is exactly that I need.I'm thinking my number one is more friends.. but the fact that I've been feeling pretty antisocial lately isn't helping. See, I do want these things in my life, I just never think I have the time when I do.
I like feeling safe, having a handful of friends. But I'm beginning to see that I never got the experiences most people at 19 have had. I'm not like everyone else my age, but I'm honestly trying to make it work. Well, some of the time.
Geesh, I make no sense.

So, I'm sitting here in Baker's parking lot on Shane's computer (hoping the battery doesn't take a crap) - waiting for him to get out of his class. It's only been like.. 30 minutes. ugh. We're going to the mall after.. probably going to eat some nasty mall-food that I love, and shop a little bit (Are there any guys that like to shop out there? cause I'd love to meet them!) After the mall, we're stopping by to see my brother for an hour or so. I haven't seen him in a couple weeks. In fact, I don't think anyone has. So, it's a little overdue, but I think he'll be happy to see Shane since he got approved to see him.

Also, does anyone seem to know any diet tricks? I'm trying to lose 10 pounds and it's definitely not working. I hate exercising, so that could be why. I do have my gym membership, I just have to get in the habit. It just sucks 'cause I hate all the food that could help me. Basically, I kill hunger with bread and cereal.. and chicken. Yeah, what a way for me to lose weight. Way to go me!

Wellll, that's all that's floating in my brain at the moment. I could sit here for hours and type meaningless junk, but I'm getting just as bored as everyone else.

Until next time..

3 TOOTHMARKS | BITE ME

xxxxxxxxxx

:: 2010 5 May :: 5.39pm

When I do this, I realize my friends aren't close.

When I lash out, it's really misplaced anger. From being angry at myself, my mom, anybody. I've been trying to keep composure.

My gate fell today. I feel so dramatic. I feel like it's no big deal, but it is. Well, maybe not to you or your friends.
I'm just upset with me. Yeah, just me. Because I control what happens with this life.. and I've done nothing to change it. And I know I won't, and it kills me everyday.

I yelled at Shane today for not wanting to go to the mall with me. I got my hopes up about it, and no, it isn't a big dilemma. He didn't want to go, and I got really upset. I couldn't control my anger, and I know he doesn't understand. I know he doesn't understand a lot. Not much about me, actually. But it's like I can feel this anger and hate and.. this almost feeling of betrayal. I can't describe it, other than just pure anger. It's not towards him, and I tell him that. Usually not, anyway. I hung up the phone, and cried. For a good 20 minutes. Not because I didn't get to go buy new summer clothes, or because I didn't get to keep my plans, and not even because I felt like a crazy super-bitch.

Not at all.

I cried because a realization washed over me. I was angry and hostile because I realized I have no friends here. I have Shane. My mom. And that is all. If Shane doesn't want to go, and my mom is gone.. who do I call?

Fifty miles doesn't seem far, but today it does.

---
And don't it make you sad to know that life is more than who we are?
You grew up way too fast, and now there's nothing to believe..
And reruns all become our history.
A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio, and I won't tell no one your name.
---

:: 2010 26 April :: 2.51pm

Working on a kickass summer playlist.
This summer is looking better and better.
Now I just have to finish school and kick biology's ass so I can really enjoy my break.

:: 2010 21 April :: 7.40pm

This is the definition of my life
Lying in bed in the sunlight
Choking on the vitamin tablet
The doctor gave in the hope of saving me
In the hope of saving me

Walked in the corner of the room
A junk yard fool with eyes of gloom
I asked him time again
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain, the rain
The rain, the rain, the rain now

Dusty brown boots in the corner
By the ironing board
Spray on dust is the greatest thing
Sure is the greatest thing
Since the last, since the last

Walked in the corner of the room
A junk yard fool with eyes of gloom
I asked him time again
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain, the rain
The rain, the rain, the rain now

I asked him time again
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain
Take me in and dry the rain
The rain, the rain, the rain now

If there's something inside that you want to say
Say it out loud, it'll be okay
I will be alright
I will be alright
I will be alright
I will be alright

I need love
I need love

:: 2010 21 April :: 3.13pm

too much death this year.

:: 2010 21 April :: 12.00am

Iron Man Deuce on IMAX at midnight premiere