What the problem is?
Things I want to get off my chest. See below. Ive pulled my pockets inside out and I feel weird. I feel relief, but why? I didnt get what I wanted to get out of the conversation. In lieu of an answer Ive been set upon by gesticulate poses and indifference. Where does it leave me?
Ill tell you where it leaves me. It leaves me here. Contemplating the shit stain of a life I lead. It leads me here, to expose my wounds for further lashings. I leads to the state I was in but no more than a few days ago.
Unable to sleep any worthy duration of time and completely unfocused on tasks at hand. Chiefly among which is driving. I shouldnt be left in a car alone at night. It leads to bad moments 'upstairs'.
I can only imagine what someone else might gleam from reading this psychotic babble that i type with my fingers without even looking. I spew forth these words and know that it helps. But it can also hurt! Hurt someone i want to not hurt.
I told myself after last time i wouldnt go near situations like this. I tripped up a few years ago, got handed some good fortune by not being reciprocated. Here I am though, ready for more trouble. Ready to be socked in the face. I dont really know if this makes me resilient or just stupid.
FUCK! Oh no, not about this situation. I sneezed...all over the keyboard. I hate that. Just like I hate this troublesome situation I continue to find myself in.
Im circling the drain knowing that Im unable to even bother trying to just jump ship and go down the drain faster than the flow would like.
Ill continue later, but why I dont know Ill just spew forth more of this nonsense off the cuff raw brain ...junk?
I go from an awkward time with this lesbian ordeal where she actually told me she felt confused for awhile into another wonderful thought moment,'
Fuck me. I hate my brain.
If she isnt going to give into having a real relationship and title it properly Im going to get increasingly irate over time. Why do I want a title? Why do you think? I want her. Im insecure and I like titles. I enjoy that tiny amount of ownership it offers me. That comforts me.
If she meets someone else while doing this "Im happy, lets just keep it how it is." She WILL more than likely lose me as a friend and as someone who lo..likes her.
Im on the verge of trying to turn my life around...AGAIN. I cant put my love life on hold for her while she figures herself out with this lesbian bullshit and college guys. I need someone(now) and Id like that someone to be her, but if she wont give me what I need then I will be unable to keep up a strong face.
If she reads this then I hope she understands. Small victories mean miles of happiness.
so I finally put up the deuces, and for good reason too.
The idea that I was being played was apparent, but I didn't mind as long as it wasn't staring me in the face. Last Tuesday it spit in my face and I was left with no choice. Really I should have drawn this conclusion in the beginning. too bad because that ass is seriously tax deductible. I mean that in the nicest sense.
what was nice as well was the back up that I got from everyone.
But worry not, you think I don't have a back up plan? pfff... I don't really. But you know me, perpetually on the prowl.
