What the problem is? Part 2
Tried to organize my thoughts some. I doubt theyll look that way.
I hate that I constantly find myself unable to be with someone who is closer. Someone who I can hold daily. Sorry if that hurts to read, but cmon, its true. Im not the only one who knows that.
I hate that I always look at those younger than me when it comes to the opposite sex. Whats up with that? always younger than me, does that make me someone who cannot cope with those my own age? I dont have an answer for that, or explanation.
I wont be the first, or last, to say to me that I am way too depressing. Well I have a response for that. Fuck. You. Plain and simple. Walk a mile in my shoes or some such thing.
Dealing with myself is like dealing with an over crowded room. Everyone has opinions and objectsives, but who speaks the loudest? And when? If I was able to represent my brain without question I would put forth some design of the classic id, ego, superego. One person has goals, drive and intentions. Another one gladly agrees to most things it says. Perhaps the second one is just a yes man? I dont know. the third one is me, what I actually do. The first two are simply watching and following the last one. Does that make sense? Idoub tit.
I digress.
I dont know how to take the news of I was given in response to my questions. I cannot formulate any sort of plan from it. It leaves me sitting here trying to decide if I lean in or out on the situation as a whole. It is not clear to me how you could 'wake up tomorrow and decide not to do this/that'.
If this is truly how you feel, why cannot you at least give in for now? Then deal with the situation when and if it comes about? That makes both parties happy. Like adults you can decide to be amiable with things later having known such was possible.(probable?)
Comparatively, why not just tell me off now? Saves any possible headache later. Time is a premium on this existence. Let the labor bear fruit or let the work be given to others who would gladly take up the responsibilities. If you act now at least things wouldnt be horrible later?Or would they, whos to say they would?
I need to do some soul searching, sadly none of the 3 voices want to raise their hands and plead the case. Parts 1 & 2 simply left to let part 3 type for itself.
What the problem is?
Things I want to get off my chest. See below. Ive pulled my pockets inside out and I feel weird. I feel relief, but why? I didnt get what I wanted to get out of the conversation. In lieu of an answer Ive been set upon by gesticulate poses and indifference. Where does it leave me?
Ill tell you where it leaves me. It leaves me here. Contemplating the shit stain of a life I lead. It leads me here, to expose my wounds for further lashings. I leads to the state I was in but no more than a few days ago.
Unable to sleep any worthy duration of time and completely unfocused on tasks at hand. Chiefly among which is driving. I shouldnt be left in a car alone at night. It leads to bad moments 'upstairs'.
I can only imagine what someone else might gleam from reading this psychotic babble that i type with my fingers without even looking. I spew forth these words and know that it helps. But it can also hurt! Hurt someone i want to not hurt.
I told myself after last time i wouldnt go near situations like this. I tripped up a few years ago, got handed some good fortune by not being reciprocated. Here I am though, ready for more trouble. Ready to be socked in the face. I dont really know if this makes me resilient or just stupid.
FUCK! Oh no, not about this situation. I sneezed...all over the keyboard. I hate that. Just like I hate this troublesome situation I continue to find myself in.
Im circling the drain knowing that Im unable to even bother trying to just jump ship and go down the drain faster than the flow would like.
Ill continue later, but why I dont know Ill just spew forth more of this nonsense off the cuff raw brain ...junk?
I go from an awkward time with this lesbian ordeal where she actually told me she felt confused for awhile into another wonderful thought moment,'
Fuck me. I hate my brain.
If she isnt going to give into having a real relationship and title it properly Im going to get increasingly irate over time. Why do I want a title? Why do you think? I want her. Im insecure and I like titles. I enjoy that tiny amount of ownership it offers me. That comforts me.
If she meets someone else while doing this "Im happy, lets just keep it how it is." She WILL more than likely lose me as a friend and as someone who lo..likes her.
Im on the verge of trying to turn my life around...AGAIN. I cant put my love life on hold for her while she figures herself out with this lesbian bullshit and college guys. I need someone(now) and Id like that someone to be her, but if she wont give me what I need then I will be unable to keep up a strong face.
If she reads this then I hope she understands. Small victories mean miles of happiness.
so I finally put up the deuces, and for good reason too.
The idea that I was being played was apparent, but I didn't mind as long as it wasn't staring me in the face. Last Tuesday it spit in my face and I was left with no choice. Really I should have drawn this conclusion in the beginning. too bad because that ass is seriously tax deductible. I mean that in the nicest sense.
what was nice as well was the back up that I got from everyone.
But worry not, you think I don't have a back up plan? pfff... I don't really. But you know me, perpetually on the prowl.
