well today sucked, what did i expect. it started with first hour which i slept in until we watched a movie on JFK's assasination which was gruisome and made me sadder and i just wanted a hug afterwards but i couldnt find anyone i wanted to hug. then i had to work on that stupid poem thing in english which was boring, then musical theatre, well i couldnt go to musical theatre so i left and went somewhere (i'm not going to say where in case i need to go there again, i dont want people to follow me) well i sat there and did chemistry work and then during lunch spencer and jessica cleary came in and the three of us hung out and it put me in a really good mood. also i came in contact with my former best friend from 8th grade who was very impressed by how i have changed, he said i was famous and was impressed with how i've gotten leads in the shows at schools, so that put a smile on my face. but hanging out with spencer and jessica did me some good, i didnt have any worries. well then in chemistry i slept and then i came home and me and adam fixed my PS2 internet adaptor so i can play online now which also put me in a good mood. after that i had a bogan lesson which was fun, i love lessons with bogan. well after that it kind of went down hill. there wasnt much to do after this so my mind started to wander and i begin to really analyze things and really think about things and i've just gotten more and more depressed. when will things get better? i just want to be happy again, i just want to love and be loved again.

well, the past 48 hours have been the worst hours in my life and they dont seem to be getting any better. i hate the world. i didnt know life could get this bad. i dont really know what to say. i havent been eating much lately and sleep comes and goes and i've just been in a stupor. the only thing keeping me going is the music man and that doesnt really do it for me since its at night and only 4 days a week. i have to deal with the whole day first. and i'm even more depressed tonight cuz nothing even good could come from tomorrow. Today i had drama and PE and my puppet show - which went extremely well. everyone loved it, it got me to pass and the teacher wants another one, he was really really impressed. although i couldnt really enjoy my praise because i was just in a bad mood. well tomorrow is an odd day and i have history, english and chemistry. my 3 least favorite classes. i hate them so much, i cant bring myself to go to those classes, i just have lost my will to go. and i have to make up stuff in chemistry which i doubt i'll do just because again - i've lost my will. i just dont feel like doing anything, i just want to stay home and sleep and never wake up. i hate my life, goodnight.

"Don't settle for the one you can live with, hold out for the one you cannot live without."

i'm exhausted. i just want to crawl into my bed and go to sleep and never wake up again. like i've said before, whats the point in waking up, the thing that kept me going in life is missing. i've lost something special to me, will you help me find it? i have laid my weapon down and surrendered the battle, since i know i wont win. i figured i'd try to save my dignity. if i even have any. all i can do now is hope, hope and pray. the most special thing in my life - my glass menagerie if i may- is missing, in the hands of another, because i damaged it. all i can do now is wait, wait to see if it comes home to me, comes home unplagued by thoughts of another. if it never does then i have nothing left, i will become but a memory, a broken dream. please come home.

"If you love someone, set them free. If it was meant to be then they'll return to you."

"Why is life so hard? Remember to tell someone you love them- you never know when you'll see them next." - Steph Co.

I'm sorry.

so its been about 4 hours since the dreaded night of doom last night. i feel worse now then i did then. i hate the feeling when you wake up the next morning to something thats changed and you just wake up and wonder what the point of getting up is since the thing that used to be the only thing that would get you out of bed in the morning has now changed. now life just seems pointless. i've never had so much difficulty with my heart beating this morning, if feels like i have to force it to beat. all i want to do is crawl back into bed and cry and never come out, never have to deal with the stress of life again. i've never felt worse in my life. this is the worst feeling the world. when you want something so bad that it hurts and then watch what you want being taken by someone else - it makes you wish you were dead. my heart is in five billion pieces this morning - physically and emotionally. everytime i think about whats going on i just want to cry and throw up at the same time, nothing has ever made me so upset and sick at the same time. and only getting about 3 hours of sleep helped a lot last night. i hate my life. can i have a new one? well now i'm going to go to school and fight back tears all day until i can come home for a short time and then take my senior pictures (which will look great on 3 hours of sleep) and then go off to rehearsal after that. if i dont break down crying today then it will be a miracle because i can barely make it to the kitchen without wanting to fall to my knees sobbing. i've never been this emotional, i've never felt this type of hurt. it doesnt matter, this is all my fault, i've done it to myself, i only have myself to blame and i can only hate myself for it - which i do.

Ok today was a long day. it started off alright, the walk out to protest the budget cut was canceled, which i wasn't happy about but it didnt make that much of a difference to me. school bored me to death, and i've reached a new level of not caring. I write all my school work on this one pad of paper, well when that pad ran out of paper the other week, i just stopped doing work cuz i didnt have any paper, so i havent really done any work since then. so after school i came home and tried to get my ethernet adaptor for my PS2 to work but it still doesnt and the people at tech support told me they dont know what the problem is and cant help me. WELL THATS GREAT!!! argh! after that i went to rehearsal, which was tiring! we sang almost the whole time and i was falling off my feet by the time we left. well on my way home i made a stop and got more stressed out by issues i thought never even existed but apparently they do. which makes me want to throw up and cry at the same time. then i came home and finished my research paper, which i half-assed it because I DONT GIVE A DAMN! See i'm not one of those posers, who pretends to not care and then does a great job on things, like those straight 'A' students who are like i dont care, its dumb i'm not going to do it, and then they do it anyway and still get the 'A'. I'm the real life slacker who says I DONT GIVE A DAMN and then really doesnt do the assignment or does half of it. I'm so stressed right now, i'm about to burst!!! my hand hurts too and i dont know why!! arrrrghhh!! AND WHY ARENT YOU ANSWERING MY IMs!!!??? BOOO!! GOODNIGHT!!

Well I didnt write in this yesterday, i was busy. yesterday i went and spent all my birthday money and gift cards, then watched dawsons creek with my co-pres, then went to joey's surprise birthday party. hurray. he was very surprised. after the party i got to spend the rest of the evening with my signif which was great as always. well today i woke up and went to rehearsal from 2-5 then i came home and played playstation. now i'm watching sunday night tv, king of the hill, simpsons, malcom in the middle, and oliver beene. not much to say tonight, i've been in a good mood lately. so i say farewell!

Well hello. umm today i went to school, didnt do much, i had drama and PE. in PE i always cause mischief with little axel dumass, we are like little bullies in that class to these girls, we're so mean. So that was fun. During lunch i had to go take a math test so i wouldnt have to take it during 6th hour. the teacher said if we came in early and took it then we wouldnt have to come to 6th hour so i did that. and guess what! I GOT AN 'A' ON IT!! hahahah its my first 'A' on a math test this year!! I was so excited, and i didnt cheat or anything, i did it all myself!! hurray! so i hung out with me bff after school and watched the first two episodes of dawson's creek which i'm starting to love. i'm in love with katie holms in that show. after that i came home and my new playstation 2 had arrived in the mail!!! (i bought it off ebay) so i ran to blockbuster and rented some games for it. if anyone has any suggestions on good games, please let me know. after playing some games for a while and just staring and marveling at the new system i fell asleep while watching the micheal jackson home movies special that i taped, and just woke up not too long ago. i got to talk to my signif tonight which brightened my night up. so now its midnight and i'm just kind of mellow so i will say goodnight now.

well today was an interesting day. it was a half day which was good. i didnt go to 3rd or 4th hour today because it was a waste of my time so i stayed in drama. after school i came home and watched american idol which i taped. then i fell asleep for about an hour cuz i've been exhausted from lack of sleep lately. so then i woke up and watched tv until my signif called me to go out. so we went out and ate and hung out and we were having a great time until i had to ruin everything (as usual) and put a damper on the evening. we talked about it for a while and i explained how much i hate myself and how i am ashamed of what i've done and that now i can really look back and see what i've done and realize that i'm scum and a low life. the only thing that keeps me going is my acting career, thats the only thing i live for. cuz i suck at being a person so i make up for it on stage. but the night ended SPECTACULARLY!! i'm not gonna give details but let me just say no one has ever taken my breathe away until tonight. (we didnt have sex or anything) but it was the best. best moment of the year. well time to depart.
Harold: We heard there's a pool table in town!
Man: Yeah that's what I heard!
Mayor Shinn: Now Just a minute
Maud: Is it a pool table or isn't it?
Mayor Shinn: Will you allow me to get on with the exercises?
Man: We don't want any more exercises till we get this pool table matter settled.
Harold: Let's protect our children! Resist sin and corruption! Smite that devil and keep our young boys pure!

Well I havent written in this in a few days. I've been busy and not full of emotions so I havent written anything. Well I'm starting to fill up with emotions again. boo emotions. i'm starting to become incontent with my current situation. i just start to randomly worry and start to feel threatened and just sometimes get sad. I want it all and i kick myself for ruining it when i had it all. everytime i get upset that i dont have it i get even more upset because i did have it and i messed it up. its all my fault and it kills me because i've changed since before and i see how retarded i was. i dont know how much longer i can go on like this. ok to change the subject, i had rehearsal for music man tonight. i'm starting to feel more at home there, i'm making more friends. the people are really cool and i think its going to be a really fun show. hurray! yay half day tomorrow, i'm so excited about tomorrow. its a half day and then that night i get to hang out with the girl of my dreams. seeing her is the reason i wake up in the morning. (i know you're reading this hehe) But its all true anyway. Well I've run out of things to say, so i will end this with a short from the music man:

Salesman 1: You're crazy with the heat, credit is no good to a notion salesman!

Salesman 2: And why not?

Salesman 1: It's old fashioned! Charlie, you're an anvil salesman, your firm give credit?

Charlie: No sir.

Salesman 1: Nor anybody else!

Well today is awarded the title of "Best day of the week." I got home today around 5:45pm and spent the evening with my significant other :) It was very fun and relaxing. I've made up my mind today, my dream car is a 1981 DeLorean (the car from Back to the Future). They arent that expensive, you can order one from the DeLorean company that is refurbished for $35,000. Or you can buy a used one for anywhere between $13,000-25,000. I want one. I'm excited to go back to rehearsal tomorrow for music man, my cold has almost completely gone away so i should be able to sing tomorrow. Boo school tomorrow. We do have a gig though, so I will be TLE'd for most of the day, hurray! Well not much else to say, except goodnight.


"Roads? Where we're going we don't need roads."
-Doc Brown, Back to the Future

booooo!! today was a blah day. i went to visit my grandma at the hospital and she looked very good, i expected her to look worse. we spent most of the day at the hospital which was very boring. i got to spend some quality time with my parents though, which is usually fun. i'm pretty homesick though. i miss everyone at home. i'm a little worried about my bff, shes drowning in problems right now and i havent talked to her since last night, i wanna know how she's doing. there is also a certain someone i wanna talk to but she is out seeing a movie and i'm patiently awaiting her return. back to my day...today was actually good for me, being with my grandma and being in the hospital reorganized my priorities in life and i think it really helped me out. i think i could use a dose of this every one or two months to keep me in line. i know what i want right now though, its actually the same thing i've wanted for a long while now but i just screwed it up before and thought i lost it forever, which i might still have but i think there may be a chance that i didnt. i dunno, i scold myself every day for the shit i did and i probably wont ever forgive myself, cuz i'm really not proud of myself this year, people may call me cocky and say i have a huge ego but i really dont, i'm really unhappy with the way i've acted and i am trying to right my wrongs. i just hope i can do it in time. well i'm going to end this entry and go eat fried chicken while i wait for that "someone" to return.

Ok so I just got to tennessee, 15 hours in a car. Wow, what a trip, I slept for most of it though so it doesnt really matter. I'm kind of in a strange mood right now, I miss everyone..(ok i only miss a hand full of people) and I want to go home. While in the car I was able to think about things, I thought about my drama project for one and how I'm going to pull this off, I thought about the music man and how I am in the Barbershop Quartet, but I also thought about the one I love and how much I miss her and how much I just want to hold her. Tomorrow I get to see my dying grandmother, not sure how thats going to go, my mom says she's gotten better but I'm not sure what to expect. I'm still sick, although I am getting better, my illness has peaked and I'm coming down off of it right now, my nose is still stuffy but its beginning to subside. I had to miss a Music Man rehearsal tonight, which I'm not too happy about because I hate missing rehearsals, but I know a bunch of people also had to miss tonights rehearsal due to Passover so I'm not alone. Hey if anyone reading this likes me enough they can call my cell phone and leave me a message, i didnt bring it with me since its only a local plan but you can leave me a voice mail for when i get home :) ok well not much else to say for tonight, goodnight.

Well my mood has soared from distressed to hopeful. i just got back from the library, visiting a special someone. i havent been this happy for weeks. I have to leave for rehearsal in about 10 mins so this is going to be a short one. I just wanted to post here while i'm in this great mood. i also know "you" will be reading this tonight and i dont know if you'll read it before or after i get back from rehearsal so i wanted to make sure you read this post. i just want to say you are the ketchup on my hot dog. GOOD BYE EVERYONE

"Well you got trouble my friend, right here I say trouble right here in River City."

well today was a bad day. it all began when my car wouldnt start this morning. so my dad had to take me in. i am also still sick so i was feeling like shit. i get to school and we have to perform for the honors ceremony and i'm all sick and that song tires you out and by the time we are done i'm weezing and ready to pass out. so i just go into a practice room and listen to The Music Man for a while until Hasko had to explain about our next assignment in drama. well i decided not to go to 4th hour since i was too sick for PE so i stayed in drama and listened to music in the library. well after that is musical theatre which was uneventful except for depressing me because i had to see someone. all i wanted was to run up and hug "her" today but i didnt think i could. so i was sad and then i went to math and took a test, or cheated on a test rather. then had a heart to heart with gladys. all i want to say is that i'm stupid and i miss what i had. i know "you" are reading this and i just want to say that i love you. well tomorrow i leave for tennessee early in the morning, i'm not sure how much i'll be able to update this weekend, i'm bringing my laptop so i should be able to. i forsee a long weekend of depression. its what happens every time i go to tennessee. boo that. well i have music man rehearsal tonight, hopefully that will cheer me up.