and this is what I call life...

and this is what I call life...

:: 2004 24 August :: 2.17 am

4/12/03 - 3:10am

My heart sinks lower and lower
with each exhale
another wasted minute
I don't know where I've been
all this time
in passing
meaningless
neglected
neglecting
friendships become estranged
I wait for tomorrow
but tomorrow never comes

Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2004 24 August :: 12.04 am

My stomach is full after sharing two appetizers and a virgin strawberry daquri with Katie at applebee's. It was a nice way to spend my last "real" day in muskegon (tomorrow doesn't count). We went school "supply" shopping at walmart. I spent $50, but I think I have pretty much everything I'm going to need now. As for earlier today, I felt and looked like shit. I didn't sleep well the night before, and, ironicly, watching nick jr. today, there was a show called "Lazy Town" with an episode about getting your sleep. Well, I suppose I really should get my sleep now because tomorrow I've got a LOT of stuff to do, including LOTS of packing!

Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2004 23 August :: 2.08 am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: wsnx after hours

last time with friends
Tonight I realized that I have some really great friends. Jami, Amanda, Jill, Andre...we all hang out together, and I can be myself, even if that's the non-talking me. Plus, we have fun whatever we do. For example, tonight we went to the beach, played soccer and football, sang camp songs, just had a good time. Andre lost his keys doing cartwheels or something, so we had to spend about 20 minutes looking for them, but that wasn't too bad. Lacking much light, it took me a while to realize that I could use my cell phone like a flashlight. Immediately after, I found Andre's keys. I must say, at first I thought he might've been joking (as he did with me earlier in the summer) but when he started getting all pissed off and stuff I knew that he wasn't lying. He was happy to get his keys back. Then, the beach patrol came because the beach was closing. We wanted to have some fun, so we pretended that we were still looking for his keys. Andre gave them back to me a little while later and I pretended to re-find them. Yes, we are actors. It would've been funnier if the beach patroler wasn't Andrew Malady though. Since we couldn't stay there we decided to head over to beachwood park. I climbed the dunes, and the rest of them followed me. What a workout that is. Yet, I'd say it's worth it. The seclusion and the view are priceless. When we were on our way down, I realized that I forgot my shoes so I had to climb halfway back up and get them, but the moment I set my sandals down, I knew that'd happen. But, it was worth it when we got back down and I conspired with Jill to write something on some other late night tresspassers' car. While we were on the hill at the park, we saw this couple walk towards the other hill with a blanket...hmmm. Out of humor, we wrote "I GOT SOME TONIGHT" on a small piece of paper and used a band-aid to adhere it to the car trunk. There was also the part tonight where I called Jill's cell phone when her and andre got lost, only to discover that it was still in amanda's car. Funny moment. And then the guy walking down henry at midnight, who we found out worked at Arbys. Haha, that kid's gotta think we're high or something. Well, amanda, jill, and jami came back to my house. We talked for an hour and amanda looked at my china pictures. It's weird to think that that's the last time I'll hang out with them...before college anyways. I have a feeling that the next two days will go by quickly and that I won't be able to sleep tuesday night. There's still stuff I want to do before I leave. For example, I want to read through ALL my former posts and see how I've changed or not changed. I also want to write down some of my old, old poems in here. And now I'm just rambling, so I'll go to bed so I can run all my errands tomorrow.

Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2004 22 August :: 12.21 am
:: Music: the darkness "I believe in a thing called love"

Hanging out with Joslyn tonight was a blast. That girl's so funny. Ahh, Batwoman! Plus, she looks extremely like laura bourdon. Hmm...double life perhaps? She came over around 1:00. We didn't know what to do so we went to the beach, walked the pier, stopped by Hot-n-Now to talk to andre, and hung out at Best Buy, where I finally bought my USB flash drive. Anyways, andre got off work around 4:00 so he came over to my house and we all headed to Gradville to go to the cinema at Rivertown. Joslyn and I wanted to see Garden State, but Andre didn't seem particularly thrilled about it. Instead, we saw Without a Paddle. That movie is a lot better than I thought it'd be. Very funny. Fortuneately, the previews don't give it all away, like I thought they would. Some memorable parts in the movie: "I think I'm still stoned." "Look to the left and you can see her downstairs." "Yes we really want to kiiilll youuu. Yes we really want to maaake you crryyy." I needed some laughs tonight. Afterwards, Joslyn drove us back to muskegon. Andre went home and we went to taco bell for a bit. Doesn't sound like much, but it was a fun night and now I'm spent.

2 burns | Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2004 21 August :: 12.45 am

I feel a tad stupid. I kept on waiting for a check to arrive in the mail for my ebay listing. Today I decided to check my paypal, and lo and behold, the person made a payment. I think paypal should notify me via email when someone does that! Now I know otherwise. At least I registered to vote to today. My registration card should come in a few weeks and city hall's supposed to send me an absentee ballot. Later on, my mom took me to JCPenny to get a rug for my bathroom and some new shoes. I rented Taking Lives tonight, too. Very good movie. Part of it was a little predictable, but not too much. I would recommend it. Tomorrow I'm hanging out with Joslyn. It sounds like we're just going to wing it, but I'm sure we'll have a good time. I leave in 5 days. Wierd.

Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2004 19 August :: 11.52 pm

For being completely spontaneous/random, tonight was a blast. Originally, Lauren and I planned on going to the art museum together because thursdays are free and we are intellectual like that, but some special event was going on so we couldn't get in. Instead, we walked around downtown muskegon looking for something to do, and if you know muskegon, you know the downtown is pathetic. We found a "secret garden" to explore before walking through the "historic district" in search of "Alladdin's Magic Shop," which unfortuneately is VERY closed, as in hasn't been in business for years. So...we returned to the museum parking lot where some poor black guy approached us. Funniest thing ever. I could hardly understand what he was saying. Something about being bitten by a dog (didn't see any marks) therefore needing money for food? Yeah, I don't really understand the logic there either, but lauren and I each gave him a buck or so. What made it funny was that he told me he would pay me back...and then he went galloping away. Ahh, memories. After having a good laugh, we decided to hit up tcby and valueland. Deja-vuish from last week, but this time we came early enough to actually walk around and look at everything. A lot of stuff there is hilarious (like a decapitated bambi perfume bottle that some lady ended up buying) but some stuff seems pretty cool, like an old film projector and some old-school camera. They had a sale on books where you could buy one and get another for 10 cents, so you can guess what we bought. I got this book called A Matter of Honor by Eugene Izzi. It takes place in chicago and deals with race issues and the escalation of hate. I dunno, but it sounds really good. The other one WAS going to be Airframe by Michael Creighton, just because I used to read his stuff in the past and liked it. This book didn't seem too interesting though, so lauren gave me the ingenious idea of scratching the price sticker off another book that I wanted, which was selling for almost $5. (We were both dirt poor after contributing to the hungry-dog-bitten man and tcby, so $5 was a lot). Anyways, the replacement book I got is called Day of Confession by Allan Folsom, author of The Day After Tomorrow. Yeah, I don't know if that's related to the movie or what, but this book sounds really interesting. It deals with some cardinal in the vatican that get's assinated and then the priest they think did it supposedly gets blown up, so his brother goes to investigate. Our night wasn't over when valueland closed, though, so we headed over to Meijer to chill on the futons while reading magazines. I swear, someone was being paged and the person doing the page added some weird, funny tone to the end of their name when he said it. It was like he was joking around, but otherwise it's hard to explain. Also very funny. That was about the extent of my evening. It's weird because 3 things lauren and I talked about earlier, showed up later on the books and magazines at valueland, including The Secret Garden, an Alias book with Jennifer Garner on the front, and an AARP magazine. Then, people we saw earlier in the evening seemed to connect. Like we saw this kid at tcby and then at valueland. Then we saw this guy at valueland before seeing him again at meijer. Probably not that strange, but it's weird because maybe this happens all the time and we just don't pay attention to it? Well, I'm spent. Good times...

2 burns | Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2004 19 August :: 2.05 am

Tonight was....interesting, to say the least. I hesitantly planned on going to the beach for a bonfire with Katrin and some of the other regulars. It started sprinkling, though, so we decided to head on over to the Egg Roll House just to hang out. Everyone left, so I ended up driving katrin and katie, but when we got there we discovered it closed at 8:00 (at this point it was 9:30). So...we called Trey and he told us to just go over to A.rod's house. That's where it got very interesting. It was katie and her boyfriend, katrin, trey, allen, allen's cousin mike, tom burger, julie struve, devin kolenic, david rice, and me. Well, if you know me at all, those aren't the kind of people that I usually hang out with. I mean, I knew everyone there (with the exception of mike) but I had only talked with any one of them very briefly throughout high school. The only reason I was there, pretty much, was Katrin. I didn't have a terrible time hanging out there, it's just that it was a bit awkward. I talked with Tom for a little bit, and appearently we were both cooks at G&L and could agree that it sucked. By the way, it's only been 4 days since my last day and it already feels so far behind me. I officially leave for chicago in 6 days and some hours. Right now it seems surreal. I hope it all works out. I have to maintain a 3.5 gpa or something like that to keep my scholarship and stay in the honors program. I never really thought I'd have a problem with it, but I guess we'll see...I hope not!

Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2004 18 August :: 3.00 am
:: Music: dashboard "vindicated"

driving under the fog at 80mph is beautiful
Tonight was great. Katie called me up, and we went to the drive-in with katie t., rebecca, jordan, leah, 'toni, and some other people. The first feature was Princess Diary 2. Decent movie, but not my first choice. Second feature was Anchorman. Still as funny, but this time I talked with Jill a little bit in the middle of it. Afterwards, when Katie was driving back to her place (where I parked my car), she got pulled over! I was a bit surprised - no, I was very surprised - but katie kept her cool and the police officer didn't give her a ticket. Appearently, she forgot to turn on her headlights after the movie. When we finally made it back to her place (and after a slight crash into the garage) Katie and I spent some time talking about the future. Next summer we're gonna try to go backpacking in europe together. That'd be so awesome! I'm also supposed to go to europe with emily sometime, but hopefully after graduation. I called her today, but it doesn't seem like things are going her way yet. I hope things pick up for her. I guess we all have our problems. Wether it's good or bad, this place is feeling less and less like home, and more and more like a place I just eat and sleep at. Maybe that's a good thing. I just realized today that I leave NEXT WEEK for college. After that, my life will NEVER be the same again. There is so much I hope for, for this upcoming year, but I suppose I should just hope to survive it. I only got my credit card a week ago and I'm already charging like crazy. I gotta write down everything I've charged so far, like my cell phone bill and my trip to american eagle today. Plus, I plan on buying some new shoes this week. Ahh, at least tomorrow is pay day. Unfortuneately, I've probably already spent my entire paycheck, and I don't want to start off with poor credit skills. Well, off to catch some olympic gymnastics and swimming...

Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2004 16 August :: 12.30 pm

weekend update
It feels like I haven't been online in days, but I believe that I last updated saturday night about the bon fire and 'Toni and whatnot. So...last night I went to Katie's house. At first it was just her, me, and nicole, but then other people started showing up. We watched some movie with that lady from My Big Fat Greek Wedding about "girls pretending to be guys pretending to be girls." I'm happy for Katie because she is estatic about going to college. I guess I am too, but I've been to busy to really think about it. I definitely going to miss people from muskegon, though. After everyone left katie's, I stayed a bit longer and we just stayed up talking and playing sorry. I gotta bring myself to sit down and write her congratulations on graduation/birthday/college note before I can actually give her the stuff I got her. Well, I better going going. Today I'm supposed to go to "Buyback" at community, clean the house (I guess my dad's brining over company?), and mail The Purpose Driven Life to tom burger. Hmm...I had some weird dreams this morning, but I don't exactly recall them, just that they were weird.

1 burn | Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2004 15 August :: 12.36 am

Six Degrees of Separation
For starting out with no plans, tonight was actually pretty fun. I headed out to do some school shopping and ended up at the beach, meeting 'Toni, the Alexander's german exchange student. She's a nice girl, very optimistic about America. Plus, I love her accent. It was a little hard to understand her when she said pronounced "graduation" as "accredatiation" but it's still very enticing for some reason. As far as G&L goes, I'm glad to finally announce that, yes, I have survived the summer there. Today was my last day. It was nice because I got to tell everyone "nice working with you" and they got to wish me "good luck" at college. So now I can't bitch about G&L anymore. Although today, something funny/disturbing occured when I pulled this long, curly hair out from between two buns. We don't know how it got there because no one in the kitchen - let alone staff - has long, dark, curly hair. On to less disturbing news, I sold my first item on ebay for a meager $2.24. It was some laundry bag my dad bought me for christmas. It's not like I was going to use it. So this way, someone will use it, and I become that much richer.

Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2004 14 August :: 2.03 am

Friday the 13th Madness
I'm not the superstitious type, but it's still fun to hype up Friday the 13th. Tonight Lauren, Andre, and I went to some cemetary in roosevelt park/lakeside just to spook ourselves out and take some pictures. Unfortuneately, it wasn't very spooky, and the flash on my disposable camera died. I'm hoping to still be able to catch some orbes or something. I took some on my phone, but they didn't come out too well. About the creepiest thing to happen to us was hearing an unidentified noise, which later turned out to be a sprinkler hitting a tree. There was also a cop that drove by, which kinda scared the shit out of lauren and andre. So much so that we ran back to the car. Andre also brough his Quija board, but we didn't really use it. Earlier in the evening, Lauren and I parused the "vintage" selections at ValueLand, where Lauren ended up buying this pretty pimp hat. Looks like something Gwen would wear...or Lil' Kim! Oh yeah, I got my credit card today. I applied for two, so I'm not sure if it's the other one I'm think of...but one of them I selected my own credit limit. However, this one has a MUCH higher one. What is it about credit cards that make people think they can just go out and buy things? Right now I'm trying to limit my spending to strictly school stuff that I need. Hopefully that'll last.

Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2004 11 August :: 10.56 pm

I am getting sleep, verrry sleepy
I can't seem to keep my eyes open. I was only half-awake at work, due to the fact that I stayed up until 3:00am reading Nickel and Dimed, Loyola's summer reading. Yes, I have summer reading. At least there is no assignment other than reading the book...yet. I also had a dentist appointment today. I am happy to report that I am cavity-free (that's a change!), but unfortuneately, I have to switch to a soft-bristle toothbrush because my gums are showing signs of receeding. After my appointment, I headed over to the library since it's right by it. I got some travel book on Chicago and a fiction book called Paris in the Twentieth Century. It was written in the 1800s about what the 1960s would be like. Sounds Interesting. I guess it's by the same guy that wrote Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea. His stuff is supposed to be "prophetic." Besides the lack of energy, I feel pretty good today. I spent a good portion of the night cleaning out my dresser, but now it's all organized. For some reason, I can't bring myself to throw away any of my science portfolios or math notebooks. I HIGHLY doubt I'll ever use those things again. Oh well. I'll let them collect a little dust, what's it going to hurt? Well, I gotta ebay it up (trying to sell some random stuff that I never use before I go off to college). Until next time...

2 burns | Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2004 11 August :: 12.48 am

this about sums it up...
Emboo: whered u go?
Skudo85: my comp froze
Emboo: did u gewt what i said?
Skudo85: no
Emboo: Emboo1969: im not drunk, but im tipsy
Emboo: im not tipsy when i say this.........
Emboo: i love you justin
Skudo85: okay, well from what I know of you...you become overly affectionate when you're drunk
Emboo: so u dont believe that i lvoe you?
Emboo: love*
Skudo85: yeah, I do...but I'm not sure if you're just saying that
Emboo: do u think that im IN love with you?
Skudo85: no
Emboo: how do u know?
Skudo85: I don't
Skudo85: are you?
Emboo: i dont know
Emboo: its possible
Emboo: b/c everything always comes back to u
Skudo85: I can't think right now
Emboo: if i werent, do u think that i would become?
Skudo85: possibly in the future
Skudo85: emily, I don't know what's wrong with me tonight...I'm just in a weird mood
Emboo: i dont know if u couild ever love me
Skudo85: emily, I already love you
Emboo: IN love with me
Skudo85: I dont' know
Emboo: y r u in weird mood?
Skudo85: I just am
Emboo: y am i so hard to fall for?
Skudo85: but I gotta go because I promised liz that she could go on 15 mins ago
Emboo: i dont want u to go
Skudo85: I'll explain it to you when I figure it out for myself
Emboo: is it cuz of me
Skudo85: is what because of you?
Emboo: ur weird mood
Skudo85: no
Emboo: y am i so hard to fall for?
Skudo85: like I said, I'll explain it to you when I figure it out for myself
Emboo: what does ur mood and that have anythign to do with eahc other?
Skudo85: I'm lost
Emboo: what does ur mood and me saying that whats soi ahrd to fall for me have to do wit each other?
Skudo85: nothing
Emboo: cuz i asked u and u didnt answer
Skudo85: well, mostly nothing
Emboo: it has to do with me being tipsay
Skudo85: I'm just trying to sort out the whole issue of love
Emboo: with me?
Skudo85: love in general
Emboo: u love someone else?
Skudo85: and I guess the fact that you're tipsy doesn't make me feel like I'm really talking to you
Skudo85: no
Emboo: im still here for you
Emboo: u can call me 2mmorow if u want though
Emboo: i get outs of work at 2-3
Skudo85: okay
Emboo: do u need to talk to me?
Skudo85: I don't know
Emboo: oh did u read my journal?
Skudo85: I'm readnig it now
Emboo: what do u mean u dont know if u need to talk to me?!
Skudo85: I gotta sort things out in my head, perhaps it would help to talk to someone
Emboo: well if it makes u feel any better...i wrote my journal entry completely sober!
Skudo85: lol, okay
Emboo: sort things out with love....b4 u levae?
Emboo: leave*
Skudo85: before I die
Emboo: b4 u die? wtf u talkin bout?
Emboo: if ur fucking with me...dont even go there....talking about killin urself
Skudo85: no, I'm not suicidal
Emboo: then "b4 u die"?
Skudo85: I just feel like I have too many questions and too few answers
Emboo: 2 many ???s from who?!
Skudo85: and I feel this pressure to figure life out before...it's over?
Skudo85: questions from myself
Emboo: do they involve me?
Skudo85: yeah, I suppose they do
Emboo: about??
Emboo: love?
Emboo: u and me?
Skudo85: yeah
Emboo: so is it what u gotta tell me...good or bad ?
Skudo85: I don't have anyting specific that I have to tell you
Emboo: oh.....u mean u just gotta figure out if u wanna be with me?!
Skudo85: I feel like I gotta figure out a lot more than that
Skudo85: but for now I gotta go
Emboo: like what?
Skudo85: life
Emboo: alright well call me after 3 tommorow
Emboo: three*
Skudo85: okay
Emboo: night night
Skudo85: ttyl
Emboo: bye

Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2004 11 August :: 12.00 am

It feels good to laugh. Jay Leno is hilarious himself, but with Damon Waynes, I'm cracking up more than I should be. Tonight I went to Melissa's and just hung out with a bunch of people. Imke is in town, and she can drive. I feel bad but I never got to know her that well. Katrin, I got to know a little bit. I feel like I knew Annette the most, but I have only emailed her a few times. Now that I think about it, there's a lot of people that I've lost touch with. I should just spend a day next week sending random e-mails. Anyways, it was good to go out tonight. Both Katies were there, both of whom I haven't seen in forever. For some reason, I feel like one of the katies doesn't like me, like she posses the courtesy to be decent to another human being, but that if it weren't for her own code of ethics, she wouldn't give me the time of day. For all I know, she'd start talking about herself and her watch. Maybe I'm just being paranoid. I tell myself to stop thinking thoughts like that, to put it behind me...but I can't. Well, that's only the least of my problems. But right now I have a headache and have to be up early tomorrow. I have so much more that I want to say - mostly feelings that I need to put into words - but that will have to wait for another day.

Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2004 11 August :: 12.00 am

Do you want to play with fire?