:: 2004 13 April :: 11.05 pm

I went to the doctors for a physical today, but they forgot to schedule it as a physical so it was just a check up. I didn't mind going for a check up, but it seems kinda pointless when you wait in the reception room for 15 mins, wait in the patient room for another 5, see the doctor for 5 and then leave. At least I got my prescription refilled. We still don't know if it's working or not, so I'm a guinea pig until we do. I asked Katie if they wanted to see the musical Rent, but I found out she's already going with a group of girls. Instead, I asked Emily and she said she'd go with me. It surprised me because I didn't think she was the type to enjoy musicals...but I guess she is!?! My mom is really bugging me. She revealed tonight that she stopped taking her meds, and until she gets back on them herself, it's going to be a living hell. Man, I hate this.

Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2004 12 April :: 11.00 pm

I don't like to take risks. That's my problem. Someone had to point that out to me, but it's true. I need advice about what to do with my situation or else I'll never make a decision. I kinda think what I should do isn't what I want to do. Maybe I wanna take my chance and make a mistake. In other news, a donor paid for my woohu account. I feel like Pip in Great Expecations, except for the whole Estella/Miss Havisham thing. I thank this person, but ask why they felt compelled to do that? And yesterday I sent in my $2 too...but andy can use that as a donation, even though he's gonnna be loaded if people choose to keep their accounts. Is this like a Pay It Forward thing where i have to go and do a nice thing for 3 different people? We'll see. For now, I'm just having trouble catching up with school again. I might get "help" with my french though. Man, I'm turning into a bad kid.

2 burns | Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2004 12 April :: 12.06 pm
:: Music: yellowcard "ocean avenue"

3 burns | Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2004 11 April :: 2.11 pm

Happy Easter. I didn't go to church today, which I'm sure is a mortal sin, so if I wasn't going to hell already, now I am. I woke up in time to get ready but my mom and sister were still asleep and I knew my mom would do nothing but be a bitch all morning. She work up a little while ago and she's already being one! I hope she didn't throw out her meds. That just adds more problems to my already complicated life. Last night "Girl A" confessed to liking me. I told her some stuff that I probably didn't have to, but I wouldn't lie to her. I'm not a playa...yet anyways. So now I gotta decide where I stand between Girl A and "Girl B" before I "make a move" on either one.

Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2004 11 April :: 1.38 am

We got back from Dearborn today. Looks like everyone's doing well. Rachael's quite the smart cookie, plus I taught her how to high five. When we got back, my mom was in her bitchy/dictator mood so I drove over to emily's and surprised her. We went all around muskegon taking pictures of "ghetto" things and how crappy muskegon is. It's for some school project. When it got dark, we cruised around looking for cars to vandalize. Every person we could think of wasn't home, and we couldn't find any shores parties, so we headed downtown and hit up some random cars. On one we wrote "4 Sale $5." On another we wrote: "Holla 4 $50." We went to Fricano's to see if Shannon was working. She wasn't, so we found another random car and wrote "I'm a Nympho" on it. It's not our fault we're vandals. Muskegon has NOTHING else to do! It was still fun. Back at my house, we hit up my dad's car and wrote stuff like "Skids 4 life" "Got beano?" and "Pimp Gangster Bill." It was funny at the time, but now I kinda feel bad about it, since he has to go into work tomorrow and everything. But I'm too tired to go out there and clean it off.

Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2004 8 April :: 11.38 pm

I just got back from Dawn of the Dead with Christina and Ai. I think it was a very good movie, although I can feel my brain turning into mush. I wasn't scared, but I anticipate being chased by zombies in my dreams tonight. Now I don't want to go to bed. Oh well. Tomorrow I leave for Dearborn. We're going to visit my aunt, uncle, and rachael. Sara just told me she loves Loyola. I'm glad. Maybe I'll see her there in two years. I gotta do some running before bed.

Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2004 8 April :: 2.26 am

Today was bad. All day I felt miserable. I feel like everything's the same day-in, day-out. I need change! I went to the mall with emily to drop off some apps. Maybe if I got a job that'd help. I seem to be under financial stress. Most of all, I'd like to meet someone new. I need a new face to familiarize. Now I'm sounding like a depressed emo kid. I got better towards the end of the evening, but during the day, I felt like I could've cried, for no appearent reason other than being lonely and being bored. I like to think that things will be better in chicago, but will they? honestly?

Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2004 7 April :: 1.51 pm

That movie made me realize that I'm lonelier than ever. I want to reach out and connect with someone, but so far, I have been unable to do that.

Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2004 6 April :: 1.43 am

Mmmh...chocolate chip cookies. Emily came over and we made some of those tonight...from scratch. Earlier, we went job hunting. Nowhere is hiring. The best I got was at Old Navy, where the guy said they might be doing some hiring in 2-3 weeks. Subway also hinted that they might be doing some summer hiring. Tomorrow I gotta remember to check back on my Mackinaw Cremery app and to turn in the ones I got today. My chest and back are burnt...but nothing else on me really tans.

Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2004 3 April :: 10.39 pm

I hope all of spring break isn't going to be like this. Yes, it was nice to sleep in, watch saturday cartoons, and go back to sleep, but I don't want to sit home all week. I got a surprise visit from nick tonight, but it was cool. I "whoped" him in connect four quite a few times. Plus, he keeps me up to date on the class gossip. We agreed that people change. Anyways, I feel bad because I blew like $40 bucks today. I went tanning, picked up my pictures, and bought some hygene products at meijer. On tuesday I'll call the owners of heart-n-hand to check up on my app. I need some income. At least I deposited my change at the bank on friday. Well, I'm off to watch Mad then SNL.

Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2004 3 April :: 1.14 am

I am so confused about things right now, but at least I'm not depressed about them. I'm having girl "problems." There are two girls right now. I know for a fact that one of them likes me, and I possbily like the other one. What to do. At least it's spring break. I'm going to try to relax. Actually, who am I kidding? I am going to attempt to study for the AP calc exam. Probably won't happen though.

Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2004 30 March :: 8.48 pm

I think all this mental anguish is making me physically sick. Not so much the sore throat, but the stomach problems I'm having as well as the overall feeling of "blah" are probably a result of all the stress I'm under. This morning my throat hurt so I decided to sleep in. I was planning on comming in 2nd hour, but I couldn't force myself out of bed. Even though I got a bunch of extra sleep, I still took a nap this afternoon and want to go to sleep now. Too bad I have to study for the sanocki test. I should also be doing my english project that's due friday, but I'm not feeling up to it. Right now I'm on the edge of a breakdown because my parents are under financial stress and don't know how they'll pay my tuitition. My mom was too worked up to even listen to my plan to work all summer, to file an appeal for my aid, and to take out student loans so they wouldn't have to pay for it. My dad's working by assignment so after june/july, he won't have a job for a while. Personally, I think he should find a better job out of state and move the family there. Muskegon and the state's job market sucks. I called Old Country Buffet today to check up on my app I sent in thursday and they "already filled the positions." Damn them! I hope I have a shot at Heart-n-Hand's new ice cream shop. I wrote a cover letter, what I call my "letter of desperation." I called Katie and she told me a resume wasn't a bad idea either. If worse comes to worse, perhaps I'll jump a cliff. Today, I wanted to take the car and just drive into the lake.

Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2004 29 March :: 10.43 pm

I'm thinking I should take a sick day tomorrow. My throat hurts and I'm exhausted. If I do stay home, I'll probably just sleep-in and come in sometime after 1st hour. Today wasn't bad. I didn't feel like eating the school lunch so I went to Wendy's with Kenesha and Andre to get a frosty. Yes, I broke a school rule, but it was worth it. After school I found my notication letters from Fordham and Northwestern in our mailbox. Was I accepted? Fordham (no surprise here) yes. Northwestern, no. I'm kind of disappointed that I didn't meet the academic prestige of Northwestern University, but I guess it's just a reality check. To be honest, I wrote one shitty essay the day it was due. That could have had some impact. Oh well. They said they got 15,000 apps for 2,000 spots. Hopefully someone more deserving who actually wants to go there (I've already made up my mind to go to Loyola) got the acceptance letter instead. Oh, yeah...Fordham, offered me like no financial aid! Maybe I didn't send them my fafsa? I guess it doesn't matter since I'm not going there either. Tonight was the NHS induction. Fortuneatly, I did not trip while carrying on the for four "pillars of light." I did, however, almost trip on my way up to the alter, carrying the Eucharist. Good thing I didn't fall! That wouldda been bad.

Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2004 29 March :: 12.50 am

I just got back from Chicago and I am excited. If ever questioned Loyola as being the right school for me, I no longer have those doubts. It was almost a replica of the visition day my dad and I went on back in October, except this time, they had a campus scavenger hunt and I got to view Simpson Living/Learning Center. We couldn't see Creighton Hall, but if I don't get in there (I think the rooms are a little bigger) at least I got a spot in Simpson. Today I rode the "el" for the first time too. My dad actually agreed to go downtown for dinner. We got some reallly good pizza at Giordoni's. I love the city. Sure, parts of it are trashy, but downtown is awesome. I love the tall buildings, the sounds, the bustling city life. What's even better is the diversity. There are some many interesting-looking people passing by on the sidewalks. You'd never see people like that in Muskegon. I like to think I have an open mind to it all. I think my mom is afraid of the different/unknown. While we were on campus my mom saw these two girls holding hands and was "disgusted." My sister and I looked at her in disappointment of her discrimatory ways. Oh, well. I'm excited to go chicago and meet all kinds of different people.

Do you want to play with fire?

:: 2004 26 March :: 11.09 pm

Where to begin. I'll start with today. I finally brought myself to sleep in. I only missed first hour and half of second, but the extra sleep was nice. My mom (by the way, things are smoothed over) made me go see the Passion with her and my sister instead of letting me go see Oklahoma. It was a good movie. I got goosebumps during the scouring at the pillar. The movie made me realize how hard it is to be a christian. Sure, it's easy to call yourself a christian, but to really BE one? Throughout the movie I was angry at the Roman soldiers and the High Priests, but that just shows how hard it is to "love your neighbor." Anyways, it was a good, eye-opening movie. Well, I finally asked my parents about Chicago. Oddly, my mom was for the idea. She was a little uncomfortable with me staying in a hotel with Emily, but she trusts me that I won't do anything. My dad objected because of the cost. I guess my parents are struggling financially right now, but just by looking at our standard of living, you wouldn't necessarily think that right away. As of now, I don't know whether or not I'm going to Chicago. It'd be nice, but I guess if we can't afford it, we can't. I talked to my aunt tonight, and we'll at least go out there during spring break. It sounds like Rachael is adjusting pretty well, but she's still "a ham," as my aunt likes to call her. Random notes: Our tire looks like it was slashed, and I had to put the spare on today. The other night I had a dream where I was being chased by this guy because I told the cops he killed some people. Insecurity issues perhaps? My brain is fried. Later.

Do you want to play with fire?