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and this is what I call life...

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:: 2004 29 August :: 3.17 am
:: Mood: drunk
:: Music: something ordinary "more than alive"

high on life
When I think back on it, I don't know how in the world tonight came together. It was the craziest night so far. I guess it started with Megan's idea to go down to Grant Park (by the Loop) and listen to some free music at the Latin Music Festival. After going with Theresa and Sara to to the bookstore (by the way, my math book for precalc cost $150!) I went back to my dorm to take a nap. Kenesha woke me up by the way! haha. Anyways, I was bored and didn't know what to do so I decided to head over to CFU and see if anything was going, possibily paruse all the free literature. You know, the stop light at Sheridan and Winthrop is the perfect spot to meet people. I just started talking to this kid named Keith. He's on my floor in room 232. He was in the same boat with being bored and heading over to CFU. No one was there, so we headed back to Simpson because before we left, I saw some kids hanging out in the lounge. It was a whole bunch of random kids from all over campus, eating lunch in our lounge. It was fun to hang out with them, but nothing too exciting. Then, Sara called me wanting to come socialize in our lounge, so Keith and I checked her, theresa, and megan into our dorm (You can only check in two people at a time). We told everyone about the latin festival, and keith, his roomate ryan, me, and the three girls headed to dinner. I don't know what it is, but we all just clicked. I mean, I could see people opening up from their normally reserved selves right in front of my eyes. By the time we were done with dinner it was time to head downtown. By that time, we picked up a LOT more people and got on the el. It was about 40 mins to the loop. Fortuneately, ryan knows his way all around chicago, so he got us there. I got to see Milenium Park for the first time. Man is that sweet! One of the attractions is this giant tv screen with a persons face, and actual water is protruding from their lips. Really cool. We also wandered over to Buckingham Fountain. Pretty nice all lit up at night. Finally, the festival. Speak about culture! All of us learned to salsa dance fairly well, and then we saw a bunch more people from Loyola. When we finally let, we were fortunate enough to catch the BEST TRAIN EVER! There were a bunch of theater-type students from Rosevelt University singing...and they asked us for requests. I said "Where is the Love" by Black Eyed Peas just because that sounds awesome harmonized, but they didn't know that one!? Instead, they sang "Seasons of Love" from Rent, and those of us that knew it joined in. For a good 20-30 minutes all we did was sing. It was the best ride ever. When we got back to campus, we checked out this "Carnival," which had stuff like bungee racing, pictures on this giant red chair, frisbee tye-dying, and that jousting type game. There was a band playing, and they were good, but not as good as SOMETHING ORDINARY! We left to get pizza at Zips (bottom floor of the student union) and they were playing. They rock! And some of us are going to watch them before next friday for only $3. Plus, I got a free CD! Finally, some cool local music...YES! Also at Zips, I bumped into this girl Kelly who's majoring in theater. She noticed my shirt and said that she was in anything goes. She told me I should go to Mundelein and sign up for auditions, but I think I'll wait until winter semester if I do theater at all. But after zips, the gang went to halas field and played ultimate frisbee. My team lost significantly (2 to 10), but it was a great, sweaty time. By the end, my team was getting really good. Around 1:40am we called it quits and went back to our dorms. I feel kinda bad because I may have woke up my roomate when I walked in. Plus, it's really strange because I keep on getting him confused for this other guy on my floor. I hate to sound like I'm in a clique. Hopefully, we're just a bunch of friends. It's unusal how well we all bonded tonight, but here's everyone in the "gang":
1) Theresa - the hot, popular girl
2) Sara - the smart rock chick
3) Ahpo - the thai buddhist
4) Megan - the hyperactive, yet nicest person ever...we nicknamed her "yearbook"
5) Laura - the fun-loving girl? Don't know her too well yet.
6) Keith - the tall, goofy kid, but really nice
7) Mike - aka Tex, the southern charmer
8) Kyle - the american idol look-alike.
9) Ryan - the kid who knows chicago and is open to new experiences.
10) Me - the one who can't stop laughing because this is the best group ever.

We've already got plans for all of us to meet up for dinner tomorrow. I guess we'll see where the year goes, but tonight may have been the single best night of my life ever.

1 burn | Do you want to play with fire?


:: 2004 28 August :: 4.16 pm
:: Music: autopilot off "I know you're waiting"

second impressions of roomate
Before I go and find stuff to do, I thought that I'd spend a little time discussing my roomate while he's away. It's strange because we both seem so similar, yet there are plenty of those semi-akward, quiet moments when both of us turn our attention to our computer screens. I actually got to talk to him last night and this morning for a little bit, so I've been able to compare the ways in which we're similar. For example, we both:
1) went to catholic high schools (he, of course, going to an all guys jesuit school).
2) Aren't really "partiers"
3) Pretty much use the same hygene products (okay, not that exciting, but we both have electric razors).
4) Pretty much have the same indecisive views of politics.
5) Played midfield on soccer.
6) Have a lot of friends that are girls (at least that I can decipher from his pictures on the wall).
7) Have verizon phones - although he's not currently "in."
8) Brought amost identical comforters.
9) Come from families of four - pretty much same background.

There's probably more, but that's all that I've been able to decipher from what little conversations we've had. Maybe we're just two non-original midwestern guys. Or maybe it's something in the water since we were both born in Ohio (at least I presume he was born there). Overall, we seem to share the same philosophy of life - at least I think so. I'd really like to get to know him personally. Not just the trivial facts but who he is, you know? Maybe I just came here with the wrong mind-set that my roomate and I would be best friends? But then again, I look at Sara and Theresa; they're in no ways best friends, but they hang out a lot and can make each other laugh. I guess we'll see what the year ahead brings. I met a few more people today. There was this one girl that I've noticed for a few days now. She was at breakfast, so on my way getting juice I said "cool t-shirt" and we just started talking. I think her name is..Amy? She lives on the 2nd floor of simpson and is in the honors program. She's a criminal justice major and just a little worried about honors, which seems to be the major concensous. Did I spell that right? Hmm..anyways, I'm going to go around find something to do, maybe meet some new people. I might give Sara a call and see what she's up to. Or maybe Ashley, the girl from Kzoo? Tonight I'm supposed to go to a latin music festival. That should be an experience. later.

Do you want to play with fire?


:: 2004 28 August :: 2.00 am
:: Music: kansas "carry on my wayword son"

Another Interesting Day
With such long, jam-packed days, it's hard to recall everything that I did. I know that I woke up at 9:00, tired as hell. (Last night I couldn't sleep.) So today I got my vaccination. That was nothing. I didn't even need a band aid. Breakfast was closed at 10:30, so I had a poptart in my room while giving theresa and sara a tour. Then we got on the el and headed downtown so that theresa could buy her books. It takes 35 minutes to get to the Water Tower Campus from here, but hopefully I'll be living down there by my junior year. Anyways, we headed back and went to lunch. (Sorry if I'm posting meaningless details, but I'm trying to recall my day). So...oh yeah. Everyone had floor meetings at 2:30. I finally got to see who all the guys on my floor were. I probably know eight of the guys so far. My RA's name is Travis and as an ice breaker he made us draw a card and answer a correspding question. Our Convocation was at 4:00. It was kinda like church; ritualistic. And our Alma Matter sucks. Maybe I'll post it later. The only decent part about it was that Barbara Ehrenreich gave a speech, and she talked about the book that we were given at orientation. I have to say her speech was much better than the book itself. Except the fact that she's excessively liberal and used the podium as her platform. After that was "Taste of Loyola." Basically, it was free food. With 2,000 kids in my class, it was kinda packed. I met a few new people, but not very well. Megan, another girl from orientation was there. She's a little hyperactive, but still fun to hang out with. We might go jogging sometime. Later on, we all went back to sara's dorm. Sara and Megan left, so I was stuck there with Theresa and some other sarah. We eneded up going up to the 2nd floor where was this "social gathering." From the looks of it, a bunch of horny guys and bunch of horny girls. Fortunately, sara called me when she got back to her room, so I met up with them. We walked around campus before going to Comedy Sports. That was the best thing ever! Pretty much, it was exactly like Who's Line is It Anyway with Drew Carrey but really fun to be involved with. When that was done, we headed over to CFU to listen to John Adam's 4, some band. They were alright. We met two girls. One of them, Melissa, is in Honors and lives in my dorm on the same floor. I also re-met Ashley from Kzoo. She's in simpson also, but on the top floor. Well, tomorrow should be another fun, yet busy, day. Out.

Do you want to play with fire?


:: 2004 27 August :: 2.19 am

My brain is trying to absorb so much in one day, that I can hardly remember what I did tonight. First of all, Sara, her roomate Theresa, and I headed over to "The Metropolis." It's this really cool, urban-trendy cafe. We were told that thursdays were live music nights, but appearently not because tonight was open mic night. Some "host" was up there telling jokes, but we were only half-listening at the time. Then "RKB" took the stage as host for the night. He introduced such fantastic acts as the 60 year-old hippie pretending to play guitar and sing. If anyone's ever been to Village Inn, it's almost like that one old lady that sings all those country songs. Next was this angry chic who did this great (no sarcasim this time) skit about someone stealing her bike and how she wants to make them pay. Then there was a female poet followed by another poet/rapper. By that time, we decided to leave for another adventures. We went to Halas sports center and played ping pong with some indian guys. Surprisingly, I was the best one at ping pong. Yeah, nick and melissa and lowell will have a hard time believing that one. By that time, theresa's guy friends from UIC arrived. Not much happened until after they left and we went to the sports field to play volleyball without a net. There were a lot of people there actually. And one of them MAY have been my roomate. Okay, that kind of scares me that I don't know if it's him or not but I only saw my roomate for 5 minutes today and I didn't even get to really talk with him. Plus, it's already 1:30 here...so I'm taking it he's not sleeping here tonight. I want to get to know this kid! Today was a reality check for me: I'm living with someone I don't even know. But anyways, at midnight they were supposed to have free pizza at Zippoli's; that's like the on-campus hang-out/rec room. It turns out the pizza was all gone by 11:59, so four guys from Mertz, Sara, Theresa, and I headed over to Dunk'n Doughnuts to get some food. When I got back to my dorm around 1:00ish half my floor was in "Da Lounge" as it's called. I guess they were all getting to know each other. Well! That's the first time I've seen the people on my floor! (With the exception of my suitmates, of course). I stopped in there for a bit while my RA (I don't know, but I think his name is Travis? or Trevor? hmm.) asked me some questions about where I was from, what I was majoring, etc. Now I'm here. In my dorm. Alone. That has been one long-ass day, and I am tired! Tomorrow I get my menigitius (sp?) shot at 9:45. So I'm out...

Do you want to play with fire?


:: 2004 26 August :: 6.51 pm

a little midday update
Let's see...this morning I bought my books. A whole $413, and I don't even have my math book or one of the honors books that's not in. By the way, I needed THIRTEEN books for honors! What's up with that? Among the selections are "The Odyssey," which we read sections of freshmen year, "Confessions" by St. Augustine, which we learned about in brooks' religion class, and, most interesting "Aristotle's On The Soul." Afterwards, I met Sara from PA for lunch and to take the Rogers Park tour. Appearently that's the neighborhood I'm in. When we got back from that I headed over to see about appealing my math placement. Afterall, I was one point away from getting into pre-calc, and I didn't even get to the whole last section. I guess if my appeal is approved, I have to take the math 117 final and pass with a 75% or better. But I can only take it once. I could just take the class for an easy A. Afterall, I'll only take 3 semesters of math - assuming I don't fail any. When I got back from that, guess who was here? My roomate! He seems like a nice guy, but that was just a bit strange. His parents were here and everything. They seemed pretty nice, but they mentioned something about him possibly staying the night with them? In a hotel? I'd kinda like to meet the kid. I mean, just two weeks ago I realized that I didn't even really know much about him. Now I'm supposed to live with him? I think it will be strange until we can find out more about each other. But I also met one of our suitemates today, John. He's in the honors program too, so hopefully we can help each other with the mounds of homework I'm expecting from the looks of these books. At one point in the day, I headed over to centennial forum to see if there was anyone there I could meet. On the way, I started talking to this kid Mike, who lives a few doors down from me. He's an alright guy, but he just seems very cynical for some reason. Also, his friends aren't exactly the kind of people I'd like to hang out with. They remind me too much of the guys back in high school. Before we met them, we wandered around Halas Sports Center, eventually meeting a bunch of girls there for some Intro to Ballet workshop. One of the girls, Sarah, was from kalamazoo. It was crazy. She knows all the kids that I went to elementary school with. I'm pretty hungary so I'm going to go downstairs and grab a bite to eat. I might call sara and see if she wants to go too. I'll post later, but I might go to some local shop where a band is playing tonight.

Do you want to play with fire?


:: 2004 26 August :: 8.44 am

wow! I'm really excited now! Last night, I couldn't get online because I didn't have an ethernet cord, and now for some reason, my computer found a wireless network to connect to! I love technology! Last night I was really excited about my first day here, so this is what I wrote:

Yes, my eyes are bloodshot, but no, I am not stoned. I did get invited to a kegger though, haha! Overall, my first day on campus was nice. A little solitary, but nonetheless NICE! My roomate moves in tomorrow, so I spent about two hours alone in my room unpacking all my shit. Correction: Almost two hours alone. For 20 minutes the locksmith came in to fix my lock. You see, for the first hour or so, I couldn’t even get INTO my room because the lock was jacked up. Finally, when my parents left, it just opened!?! But the locksmith did make it much smoother to lock and unlock. As for the family, it wasn’t an emotional moment. For me anyways. My sister’s the only one who got teary-eyed. My mom gave me a hug. My dad shook my hand and told me “good luck.” If and when I have kids, I hope I’m more of a father than he was. But I’m going to worry about that…because I’m at college…in CHICAGO! So far, at least, I am thoroughly glad in my decision to attend Loyola. Simpson Hall, my dorm, is a pretty sweet one. Home is now a “big-ass” room, or so the desk person tells me, complete with Ethernet (not wireless, but better than dial up!) I share a bathroom with four other guys. Not too bad, but I was expecting to share it with only two. What sucks, though, is there’s no room in the bathroom to put all our necessities. I plan on buying some kind of under-the-sink shelving if I can...maybe get the other guys to chip in too. For the meanwhile, I have to haul my stuff from dorm to bathroom, a long eight or so feet! It’s so weird. I don’t feel any different. I don’t necessarily feel like I’m in Chicago. I guess that’s what’s nice about campus. You choose to or choose not to be a part of the larger city. Am I’m going to stay sheltered on campus? Hell no! I love this new experience. Tonight I was in the dining hall (by the way, dinner costs a whopping $7.25!) and I heard the kitchen staff speaking Spanish or Italian or something definitely NOT English! Speaking of dinner, it was rather solitary. There’s a cafeteria in my dorm, but around 6:15 it was pretty much deserted. Yeah, there were a few people, but no one I could sit with and strike up a conversation, which I was hoping to do. Nonetheless, it didn’t bother me sitting alone eating my pizza and salad. In fact, I felt quite content. After dinner, however, I had to find something to do. I was going to wander over to the library and maybe go online, maybe see if some other new kids were there, but before I could get there I bumped into Sara. That was another pleasant surprise. At first I just passed her and smiled, thinking that she looked familiar. Two seconds later I turned around and said “Hey, weren’t you at orientation with me? Don’t you live in Pennsylvania? “ In fact, it was her! I hate to be this clingy, insecure kid, but I hung out with her for the rest of the night and had a great time. I can definitely see myself being friends with her. She’s into a lot of alternative music and tonight invited me over to listen to some band called Rosie Kailey, or something along those lines. She’s just one of those people that I’d never meet back in Muskegon. I don’t know why, but I just couldn’t bring myself to take the initiative and try to meet other people. It’s like I need them to approach me first, to let me know that I’m an acceptable human being? I don’t know, but it’s something I’m hoping to get over fast. See, I can, at times, start up a conversation (like I did tonight with Sara), but I have to be in the right position. Tomorrow, in addition to running a whole bunch of errands, I’m probably going to go on a walking tour of Roger Park (the neighborhood that Loyola’s in). Hopefully that’ll put me in position to meet more people. Anyways…back to Sara. We walked around the neighborhood a bit and talked before heading over to see the movie Mallrats at Damen Hall. Very funny movie, by the way - and a LOT better than Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back. The scene with the topless psychic who had a third nipple was hilarious! Although, I still can’t believe a catholic college would be showing freshmen a film with tits…but hey, I’m not complaining! As for other people that I’ve met so far, the list is slim. I’ve briefly met Michael from Texas. He’s going into pre-med. I also saw Dan (at least I believe that’s his name, if I remember correctly from orientation), but he was with his family and I had just got my room opened, so we didn’t talk long. Also from orientation, I bumped into Ty (as in Tyson, not Tyler). From my impressions, he was former class clown back in high school. And tonight he’s planning on going to the “beer social” to meet people. He’s a nice guy, but he shakes hands for-ev-er. Just in case anyone’s interested to find the details of the “kegger,” here they are. As we were walking out of the auditorium after Malrats, some random guy (upperclassmen I take it?) started telling Sara and I (as well as those following us) that there was a party at N. Lakeshore, and not to worry because they had “four kegs.” First of all, I don’t go to parties. Second of all, if I were to check it out, I wouldn’t do it on my first night here! Yeah, I’m not trying to make any more of a fool than I already am, especially before the year even starts! Well, I think that’s it for now. I’m gonna try sleeping in my new bed.

I forgot to mention that I also met Jen, a sophomore from none other than GRAND RAPIDS! She went to Grand Rapids Catholic, and said she met a few other people from the Holland area. Well, I'm off to start my day! I gotta figure out why my damn alarm clock isn't going off!

Do you want to play with fire?


:: 2004 25 August :: 9.11 am
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: yellowcard "way away"

Two hours and counting
I'm happy to announce that I am PACKED! Not only that, but everything fits in the back of the van...WITH ROOM TO SPARE! Hopefully I'll get some sleep on the ride there. I was up most of the night, even though I finished packing around midnight. (Oh shoot...I still gotta pack my bathroom stuff. Don't want to forget that!). Last night I think I was just worried/anxious/nervous/questioning/confused/scared. I just kept lying there in bed. I don't even know what I was thinking about, but it felt kinda like the night before school starts (more dramatic though). Today, however, I woke up reassured. I just keep telling myself: maybe I'll meet my future best friend today (not that anyone could replace any of my old friends). Speaking of friends, I got an unnexpected e-mail when I signed on this morning:

"hey~

Sry to hear that your going, you've done a lot for me, I might not have always said it but you have been one of the best freiends I have ever had. Sorry that we haven't really talked much this year, its just I kinda wanted to stray away from the things that were going on, it wasn't you, it was just some of the people I was hanging out with weren't really helping out things. Thank you so much for all that you have done for me, and thanks for always being there. Good luck, I'll call you sometime to see how your doing, remember I'll always be there for you, just call me if you need help with anything.

Thank you"


Wow. I guess that helps put things in perspective. It's almost weird that you don't know what you think you know...or that you don't know what's really going on with your friends...or that people show you a different side from the side you're used to knowing. In any case, I was happily surprised.

You know, sitting here I can't help thinking it's not too late. Ultimately, today is about making a choice, making a choice that all of my friends are making themselves. Mine just seems more abrupt because I'm moving out of state. I think that this is the right decision though. If I didn't make a choice, I would just rot away in muskegon. Just like the night before school, though, I really hope that this will be a great year ahead of me. I want to learn (and actually retain knowledge). I want to join clubs. I want to make friends. I want to explore. I want to grow. Now I just gotta sit here and wait until 11:00. My future awaits....

Do you want to play with fire?


:: 2004 24 August :: 10.08 pm
:: Mood: solemnly procrastinating
:: Music: b182 "down"

rushing at the end
Ohh, mann. I don't know where the day went. I woke up around noon, my mom went to her appoint, I deposited money into my checking account and got a haircut. Then, I did some last minute shopping at target and big lots, went to dinner with my mom, and picked up our rental van. Next thing I know, it's already 9:00pm and I have NOTHING packed (with the exception of my computer, prepackaged comforter, and books and CDs. I just spent the last hour ironing and folding clothes, so at least I have most of my clothes packed. I just gotta get a few items out of my closet. I guess I could have my parents mail me stuff in the upcoming weeks, but I want to try to bring as much as I can on one trip. Today feels so weird...I told katie it was solemn when she stopped by. I saw erin sprague at target and even she wasn't her same, old peppy self. It's hot and muggy in here, my mom is getting on my nerves, I'm tired, but I have to go pack. Onto my future...

1 burn | Do you want to play with fire?


:: 2004 24 August :: 3.00 am

7/29/02 - 2:30 am - Crying

Overdose on these tears today
because tomorrow you can't cry
weep your heart out on my shoulder
and it will be alright
I know that you are confused right now
so go ahead and cry
feel free to relase the pain
because tomorrow is another fight.

4/04/03 - 3:21 am - Beautiful Stranger

Oh, beautiful one
who makes me cry
because I cannot hold you.
I stare at you
you look at me
I turn away embarrased.
I am lonely
you look the same
but I am too shy to change that.
oh beautiful stranger
I am just glad
that I got a glimpse of heaven.

5/8/03 - 2:23 am

I remember a time
when I believed in true love
and all that it entailed.
I remember a time
when I believed in virtues
and upheld them in my life.
I remember a time
when I looked down upon people's vices
and shuddered at my own.
I remember a time
when everything changed...
There were no virtues or vices,
True love didn't exist.
Everything blurred together
into one muddled heap of reality.
I remember a time
when the false-hope delusions stopped.

Do you want to play with fire?


:: 2004 24 August :: 2.54 am

7-9-02 - 4:00 am - Road to Discovery

I'm on a journey
to discover who I am
conflicting results
make me mad:
not who I wanna be
not who I thought I was
I like and tell you something else -
just because...
Because I'm afraid of what you'll think of me
I'm afraid you won't understand
I'm afraid I don't know what I want
or even who I am.

3/31/03 - 1:08 am - The Morning After

The morning after
and I am wasted
left with nothing
but memories of
feeling happy
for a while
drained because
it will be no more
and now i need
to recooperate

3/12/03 - 3:00am

It is devestating to have the knowledge
to know that you are ignorant.
there are many things
I do not know,
there are many things
I wish to learn.
But not being good at any
one thing
What course should my life take?
Where will I go if I have no purpose?
What will I do if I'm not the visionary
I wish to be?
Will I be ordinary
or will I break new ground?
Oh fate! hasten toward me
so that I may know
where I will go.

Do you want to play with fire?


:: 2004 24 August :: 2.45 am

8/25/02 - 1:59am - Layers

I only have so many layers to shed
before I am reduced to nothing.
A fresh one's peeled
and I'm left hurting.
A long goodnight
and now I"m crying.
A broken mind,
and I'm implying
I might not last the night.

7-28-02 - 4:30 am - In My Room

I've spent endless nights
starring at these walls
nights spent talking to myself
with no reply
pent up in my room
my own little place in the world
I imagine I was somewhere else
existing as the better variation of myself
I scream through my pillow
a scream ladden with anguish and pain
feelings of being on the edge
when I haven't left the ground
trying to fly away from here
I remember I have no wings
but maybe I can build some
so that I can find a better place

7-20-02 - Stand-still Life

I am breathing
though my life has ceased.
week to week
has increased.
day by day
is still the same.
I sit and wait
for it to change.
hour into hours
is just as fair.
I stare at something
that isn't there.
minutes and months
just to kill
my life is at a
stand-still.

Do you want to play with fire?


:: 2004 24 August :: 2.39 am

Untitled - Undated

I'm sick of it - sick of it all
What you do to me, how you treat me.
Upon recent events, I have now
come to realize this: death is
In our grasp. Some fear it,
Others embrace it.
I only flirt with the idea of it
But what if flirting shall become more?
What if I lust over death?
What then will become of me?


Going Crazy

Would you take me back
If I lingered on the edge of insanity
And you didn't know what
To do with me?

Would you be my support
If my mind fell bad,
Saying the things
Which make you mad?

What if it all falls down
And I'm not who I used to be?
Will you be there
To comfort me?

11/00 - First Poem

No, it is not fair to me
Our friendships gone
of that I see.

All this pain and hurt within,
Are hidden by a second skin.

I wear a front,
You cannot tell.
All the devestation
And destruction swell.

Everynight I remember
The fun we had.
And knowing you still have it,
Makes me sad.

From time to time I sob and plea,
That God, somehow, will change our destiny.

Right now I try to pray and hope
That you will comfort me,
To help me cope.

Now go do what you must do.
If you are a friend, invite me too.

This I"m sure is the only way,
to mend my scars and make me okay.

Do you want to play with fire?


:: 2004 24 August :: 2.32 am

Don't Get Me Down

Don't get me down,
No, not now
When I am so high,
So free, so high.
When my spirit is above the clouds,
And my heart belongs to you.
Don't get me down,
Please, don't get me down.

9/21/01 - Fragile

A piece of glass,
Painted balck
So you cannot see inside

A powerful hand,
Given the glass
So that he may decide

For if he chooses
To let it live
On the hand it may ride

Or if he chooses otherwise
He throws it down
To watch it die


Late Night Thoughts

Sometimes I stay up late and
I think about things.
I think about the world,
And all the people in it.
I think about myself,
And all the faults I find within.
I think about you,
And wonder why you care.

Do you want to play with fire?


:: 2004 24 August :: 2.27 am

02/02 - Nothing is Real These Days

Superficiality
Is this what has become of me?

In a time when reality could not be any more clear
My vision is blurred,
My path is obscurred,
And I have lost the things I once held dear.

I struggle and I scream for something that is real,
But still it seems so fake,
A path I do not want to take,
Nothing is as real.

You treat me the same, and yet, it does not feel
As if, at one time or another,
It may have been real.

Superficiality,
Is this what has become of me?

02/02 - Self Restraint

Holding back, keeping away
From everything I want to do.
Clinging on, standing by
Those oh-so-holy few.
Shattered impluses, heightened dreams
All for self-restraint.
Holiness and purity,
With a very small complaint.

9/17/ 01 - My Resolution For Us

My resolution is to put it behind me.
I did blame you once,
But now I know
It wasn't your fault,
Or mine.
I don't know who's to blame.
But now we can go on to how we were before.

Do you want to play with fire?


:: 2004 24 August :: 2.20 am

9/21/03 - 8:30pm

Broken picture frames
and misplaced things
on the floor
I see the war
shut the windows
lock the doors
don't let the neighbors
hear these roars
this is the battleground
of our war
where words exchanged
hit the core
these are the family bonds
that you tear
when you say these things
and do not care
I can see the masks that you were
but you can't see
the faces that you mare
little battles turn into fights
but I can see
this isn't right.

5/30/01 - 2:27am - The Shallowness Prevails

Lying in my bed at this late hour
heavy breathing, I need to shower
listening to music without hearing a word
everything shines, it's absurd
What is realy in this fake place?
With sorrow and jow, I am two-faced

Painting these sins over with white,
pretending perfection in the society of light
desperation grows strong as the truth grows week
thus I must ask, is shallowness what I seek?

11/4/01 - Tears for You

This tear is for you,
the one I lost,
although I never ahd you.
This tear is for what
I could have had,
although I never tried.
This tear is for
what you are about,
and what I want to be also.
This tear is my tear to you goodbye.

Do you want to play with fire?

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