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and this is what I call life...

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jus4fun06

:: 2006 5 October :: 12.55am
:: Mood: fat

i am out of control.

i cant stop eating.


i just eat
and eat
and eat
and eat
more
and more
and more
and more

i have a desire to be filled
to be satisfied

i am
spiraling
out of
control

i need to S.T.O.P

fat.
everywhere.
i dont like it.
i hate it.
me.

i am out of control
look at my room.
it is a mess.
when it is a mess,
then i have
no control.
must clean.
tomorrow.

i will be thin.
i will be pure.
i will be glass.

i am not ok

Do you want to play with fire?


jus4fun06

:: 2006 28 September :: 3.26pm
:: Mood: irritated

-she paints her world with words-
we were supposta go on a ship trip. we were going because mandee had a friend who she wanted to visit there. i said i would go to see my friend. i told my friend about the trip and she seemed excited to see me. mandee was going to drive. today, mandee announced that shes not going on the ship trip. she said i could still go, but she wasnt. one minor detail hun, YOU WERE GOING TO DRIVE!!!

this is the SECOND time she let me down. i hope shes not always like this. what bothers me the most is that she made an obligation to do something and she let me down. she did not think about me or what other people may be doing. she did not think that because i dont want to go... danielle can find her own way there. or danielle can disappoint her friend and not go. it makes me look bad!

its like yesterday. mandee was supposta coem with us to the mall to get her ear pierced. we had planned this all week. i wanted to go at 330 but we waited til mandee was done work @530. we waited for her. she then has the nerve to say she doesnt want to go. i waited for her. i planned it out for her. and she backs out. i told her, she did not need to get anythign pierced but to at least go there and hang out with us. she said she didnt want to spend that money for nothing. she let me down. i do not like that feature in people. for some reason it pisses me off. if you say you are going to be there, i expect you to be there. mrrrrr

Do you want to play with fire?


jus4fun06

:: 2006 28 September :: 3.09pm

I have a paper to write. I am trying to avoid doing it. I have so much time, but yet so little time. I have the 1500 word paper which is due tomorrow. I have the English paper which is also due tomorrow. I should study from psych. I should also study Cultural Anthropology. I should swim or at least do some sort of physical activity. merg.
I decided against swimming. My parents are going to be mad. This weekend when I go home Ill try and avoid telling them that i decided against it. I could work. I could get a job. I want to get a job. I wish the stupid work study would have came through. fuckers. I am feeling disgusted with myself lately and I believe I will continue to do that for a while. I just need to be alone...

Do you want to play with fire?


jus4fun06

:: 2006 27 September :: 1.19pm

i feel like i am spiraling out of control here. i eat and eat and eat and eat and eat... i cant stop. i feel the layers adding and adding and adding. freshman 15? try freshman 50! i will resist. i will not let it be here. i must gain control. i must control. supress surpress. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Do you want to play with fire?


joslyn_julia

:: 2006 26 September :: 9.01am

well here we are. school again. the so-called happy place.
no, things are pretty good. i have a few crazy teachers this semester but it really isnt that bad. except for the damn cold that i have recently acquired.

my parents got a new puppy. His name is riley and he is adorable. but i think i should go get ready for class, so i will see you.... wait, no.... well maybe i will run into one of you this weekend when i am at home.

Do you want to play with fire?


jus4fun06

:: 2006 24 September :: 3.32am
:: Mood: need to express

i am tired, but i cant sleep. so i feel like i have alot to say. alot in my mind that needs to be written down. be printed before it is lost... forgotten.

college here is alot of fun. i like it alot. i like the enviroment. i like the people. i like my friends. i like so much. i dont want to leave. im afraid i will have to when the bill comes. i am spending so much fuckin money here. i am going to be in so mch debt if i dont find some way to pay for this. i hate thinking about money. when ever my rents call, it usually switches to that and it makes me unhappy. i get grumpy and wish to stop talking to them. i know what they have to say. i know what i have to do. no sense in making me angry/sad/aggrivatd to think about it.

i like my friends here alot. im glad i met them. mandee is cool. its weird how i met her. but shes been with me since the first day. and im glad i have her. she can be so crazy sometimes. although... she likes to be crazier than me and force me to stay up later... try and make me spend money.. make me always be doing something. sometimes i dont want to do anything, but ill get to that later.

Theres zach. he was in my ol group. i talked to him the second day and hes been with me since. i like him alot. like really alot. like really really. he makes me afraid though. im so afraid im messing it up and im not all i was to begin with. he calls me such an honest person, but i feel like i let him down. he describes me as "someone whos not afraid to be herself" but i am. i am myself, but at times i stop and i look back and i wish i didnt act the way i did. i hope i am and can continue to be all that he sees me to be. he so... perfect... in my eyes. like hes cute, adorable, funny, smart, deep, emotional but not too emotional, crazy, relaxed... hes pretty much how i would describe my ideal guy. and what scares me is to lose it all. the notion of not being with zach scares me. im so afraid that this amazing... thing will end. thats one word that i can sum up all of this relationship though... AMAZING. i really dont want this to end.

and the thing is... i have barely known these people a month, but it feels like so much longer. we have spent so many hours together and i think that accounts for it. its weird to think about it. although, i wouldnt of rather spent these past few weeks with anyone else.

even though i like this change and i have so many supportive friends here, i have one drawback. since ive been here, i have suffured many anxiety attacks. i hate them. they come and i feel like im going to die and i really dont want to. im so afraid that i am. that i am slowly dying on the inside but i choose to ignore all the signs and symptoms. the panic attacks come in class, at lunch, during movies, when im trying to fall asleep, in the olive garden... they are extreamly inconvenient. i wonder if theres anyway to make them go away. i dont tell anyone about them though. only heather cause i know she would understand due to the fact that she suffers from them as well. they make me so nervous and scared. i want them to just go away!!!

also another thing. my friends here want to always hang out, always do something, always move... and sometimes i just dont want to do that. i just want to lay there and stare at nothing and think... i just want to go to bed before 12... i dont want to spend unnecessary money... i want to study for a test... i dont want to eat and eat and eat... i justwant to be alone... whenever i want to withdraw they think there is something wrong with me. theres not. i just dont want to be with people. i dont wanna be social. i dont wanna have to care about their wants and needs. i dont want to listen to them talk and talk and indisisively discuss what to do next and just repeat, im bored. lets do something... over and over again. i want to stop putting on the happy face. i want to stop being social. i just want to withdraw in myself.. away from everyone else. is this weird???

and another thing. they sit here and they bash this girl ashley. over and over again. i can understand that she is annoying and that she does say things she shouldnt and acts ways she shouldnt and interpert things wrong... but thats who she is. when they put her down and stuff.. i say something. cause thats who she is.. she doesnt unerstand... she doesnt see things the way we see things... she doesnt read people the way we do... and she takes things that we normally wouldnt seriously. i guess she reminds me of me in many ways and thats why i stick up for her. i know her motives... i can understand why... i know she is lonely and blind of things we see so clearly... i look at things from her perspective and i understand. it frustrates me that the others wont do the same. i want to tell zach all this cause i know he would understand. or atleast listen. i really dont know what to do about it. it feels so wrong to sit there and talk about her like that. makes me feel so uncomfortable.

today we went to the mall. it was ok, but they kept leaving me. like i would be looking at something and when i turn around they would be gone. and not just gone in the sense that theyre in the next row... but gone as in they are waiting outside the store or moved on to the other side of the store. i would ask them to wait or to see something with me and they would ignore it. i felt like they were oblivious to me. and i guess that is a very selfish thing to say but i dont think i was intirely selfish. there is a difference to dealing with a selfish person and completely ignoring the fact that this individual is a complete person. and that frustrated me and made me sad. and since they sit there and talk about ashley so easily... i cant help but wonder... do they sit there and talk about me as well? meh.

some days... i can feel so sad. like i dont want to be around people and that i want to be alone. i cant help but think things like i am selfish and i hold everyone back and that i need to retreat from everyone. zach always senses something wrong in me.. biut i just smile and say noting is wrong, but almost everything is wrong. and this is a first. me not willing to share whats going on in my mind. i want to, but im so hesitant. i kinda discribed it to him as... i didnt want to invest so much to have it all be lost. and i wanna believe that.. but i dont think that statement really sums it up. i am cautious.. yes. hesitant. yes. maybe its because they all leave me so quick. i can tell you... i have never liked someone like this. it is different. i dont know how. it is so strong. and i know that to keep this relationship strong... i need to smile and look confident and happy... not down-trodded and sad. that zach will be so much more attracted to me if i am happier and laughing and smiling. so i guess even though im ready to break.. i should smile. keep it all inside.

with zach... i feel so much. he tells me about maria and i cry. and when i cry, i wipe my tears on his face to tell him that i can feel his pain. he says he is broken and that hes not sure if i want to fix him cause theres alot to fix. but i want to fix him. the thing is... i always fall for the broken-hearted boys. thats not a good thing. cause then they rush into a rebound relationship. i really hope that is not the case with us. i hope so much. i also feel like we are rushing so much. i try to stop, but i cant. i really believe we should. that it would do more harm than good, but i cant. i know that it makes him happy and thats what i want to do. make him happy. and once we start.. i dont want to stop. but i need to be strong. i need to say no. i pray god will give me the strength. things can only end disasterous if we dont. and i dont want to ruin such a good thing. please..

that and so much more is going on in my mind, but thats all that wants to come out today. i know i can share it here because it can be read, but not by the world. if the world read it.. then i would be poked and proded and asked.. awwe danielle... are you ok??? i read your entry and all that... i dont like that. *grumble. but yes.so i can at least get it off my chest... tomorrow.... i hope to sleep late... finish paper then go to kash's house. then... sometime... zach will come back. i can not wait!!! cause i miss him alot. and i hope i can make a week with out crossing the line... please... help me. cause i dont want to. please. out.

Do you want to play with fire?


fatman

:: 2006 16 September :: 12.20pm


Scott --

[noun]:

A perma-orgasm



'How will you be defined in the sexual dictionary?' at QuizUniverse.com

2 burns | Do you want to play with fire?


fatman

:: 2006 10 September :: 11.57pm

When a guy misses you
When u break a girls heart,
she still feels it when
u run into each other 3 years later

When a girl is quiet,
millions of things are running through her
mind.

When a girl is not arguing,
she is thinking deeply.


When a girl looks at you with eyes full of
questions,
she is wondering how long you will be
around.

When a girl answers, "I'm fine, " after a
few seconds,
she is not at all fine.

When a girl stares at you,
she is wondering why you are so
wonderful.

When a girl lays her head on your chest,
she is wishing for you to be hers forever.

When a girl says that she can't live
without you,
she has made up her mind that you are
her future.

When a girl says, "I miss you, "
no one in this world can miss you more
than that

When a girl is mean to you after a breakup
she wants you back, but she's
scared she'll get hurt and knows
you're gone forever
(Even if I am not mean to you doesn't mean i don't miss you ...and Even if you don't see my sadness... its there)



Guy Facts:

When a guy calls you,
he wants to be with you

When a guy is quiet,
He's listening to you...

When a guy is not arguing,
He realizes he's wrong

When a guy says, "I'm fine, " after a few
minutes,
he means it

When a guy stares at you,
he wishes you would care about him and
wonders if you do

When you're laying your head on a guy's
chest,
he has the world

When a guy calls you everyday,
he is in love

When a (good) guy tells you he loves you,
he means it

When a guy says he can't live without you,
he's with you till your done

When a guy says, "I miss you, "
he misses you more than you could have
ever missed him or anything else

repost this in 10 minutes and your true
love will
call you

post this as

IF YOUR A GUY "WHEN A GUY MISSES YOU"

AND

IF YOUR A GIRL POST IT AS"WHEN YOU BREAK A GIRL'S HEART"

2 burns | Do you want to play with fire?


fatman

:: 2006 8 September :: 4.18pm

[ NOW ]
Current mood: Ouchies
Current music: Leader of the Band - Dan Fogleberg.
Current taste: Camel Light
Current hair: Ponytail
Current clothes: shorts.
Current annoyance: Shoulder
Current smell: sweaty me
Current thing I should be doing: bathing
Current windows open: kitchen
Current desktop picture: Lotus Blossom
Current favorite band: Lotzorz
Current book: Elric: Stealer of Souls
Current CD in stereo: Josh Groben - Closer
Current crush: Wouldn't you like to know
Current favorite celeb: Child Alessa from Silent Hill
ARE YOU:
1. A Cuddler? hellz yea
2. A morning person? fuck no
3. Are you a perfectionist?: Sometimes
4. An only child?: no
5. Catholic?: I know a lot about it
6. Single?: yuppers
7. Currently suffering from a broken heart? maybe
8. Okay styling other people's hair? maybe
9. Left handed?: Right
10. Addicted to MySpace? nope
11. Shy around the opposite gender? not so much

DO YOU:
12. Bite your nails?: yupyup
13. Get paranoid at times? yup
14. Currently regret something that you have said? lately, no
15. Curse frequently when you get mad? sometimes
16. Enjoy country music? some
17. Enjoy jazz music? sometimes
18. Enjoy smoothies?: only tasty ones
19. Enjoy talking on the phone? not really
20. Have a lot to learn? yup
21. Have a pet?: Kitty and 2 birdies
22. Have a tendency to fall for the "wrong" person?: some would say yes, like their husbands
23. Have all your grandparents? no
24. Have at least one sibling?: yep
25. Have been told that you are smart?: wise is more often the word
27. Have Caller I.D. on your phone?: only on the pocketwatch.

HAVE YOU:
8. Changed a diaper?: yupzorz
29. Changed a lot over the past year?: yes
31. Had surgery?: a few, like 7
32. Killed another person?: no
3. Had your haircut within the last week?: week:no, month:no, year:no
34. Had the cops been called on you? not on ME

LAST PERSON WHO:
1. Slept in your bed that wasn't you?: not tellin
2. Saw you cry? Kat
3. Went to the movies with you? Buck
4. You went to the mall with?: Probably pat or kendall
5. You went to dinner with?: does the vous count?
6. You talked on the phone? Pat
7. Broke your heart? ...
8. Made you laugh? Dan

WOULD YOU RATHER?
1. Pierce your nose or tongue?: tongue
2. Be serious or be funny? sarcastic
3. Drink whole or skim milk? ...milk, just milk?
4. Die in a fire or drown?: fire
5. Spend time with your parents or enemies? parents, definatly

ARE YOU..
1. Simple or complicated?: sometimes
2. Gay?: not really
3. Hardcore sports fan? Only if by sports, you mean Nicholas Cage movies...

DO YOU PREFER. .
1. Flowers or candy?: Flowers!
2. Gray or black?: Grey
3. Color or Black: color
4. Lust or love?: love
5. Sunrise or sunset? sunset if I'm alone, sunrise if I'm not
6. M&Ms or Skittles? M&Ms!
7. Staying up late or waking up early? up late.

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY !!
1. Do you like anyone?: yeah...
2. Do they know it?: I think so

DO YOU PREFER...
1. Sun or moon?: Moon.
2. Winter or Fall?: fall
3. Left or right?: wtf?
4. 10 acquaintances or having two best friends? Bestest friends
5. Sun or rain?: rain
6. Vanilla ice cream or chocolate ice cream?: Vanilla with strawberries
7. Vodka or Jack?: Jack Daniels, please!

UNIQUE!
1. Nervous Habits: tap my feet, fiddle with my hands, play with my hair
2. Are you double jointed?: me=fat
3. Can you roll your tongue?: why do that when you can light a lighter instead?
4. Can you raise one eyebrow? not really
5. Do you make your bed daily? make...bed...wtf?
6. Which shoe goes on first?: the one I grab first
7. Ever thrown up on someone?: nope, I missed steve
8. On the average, how much money do you carry on you?: somewhere between moths and 20 bucks
9. What jewelry do you wear?: Beads, Tribal ring

FOOD:
1. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? twirlipoo!
2. Have you ever eaten Spam?: yup
3. Favorite ice cream? cookie dough
4. How many kinds cereal are in your cabinet? 2 or 3
5. What's your favorite beverage?: Jack Daniels
6. Do you cook?: yup

IN THE LAST MONTH, HAVE YOU? (YES OR NO)
1. Had a b/f or g/f?: nope
2. Bought something you didn't need?: what, you mean like the tin foil platypus?
4. Sang in front of people? Kareoke!!!
5. Been kissed: not on the lips
6. Been hugged: lotzorz
7. Felt stupid: yup
8. Missed someone: yes
10. Got high: no
11. Danced Crazy: DDR MAXX...2!!!
12. Gotten your hair cut? hell no
13. Cried: no
14. Lied: maybe
15. laughed with all the grace of the three penised leprechaun all covered in strawberry love pudding against warnings from the vatican? ...three penised leprechan...strawberry love pudding...vatican...*fatsplode*

Do you want to play with fire?


fatman

:: 2006 7 September :: 1.24am

TEN EMOTIONS.
1. are you missing someone right now?: yup
2. are you happy: meh
3. are you talking to anyone right now: Nope
4. are you bored: yupyup
5. are you german: only a little, like 30%
6. are you irish: I think so
7. are you french: no
8. are you Italian: doubt it
9. are your parents still married: nope
10. are you in love with someone right now: not really

TEN FACTS.
1. hometown: Muskegon
2. hair color: Blonde
4. hair style: sexy
5. eye color: they change
6. shoe size: big
7. mood: le sigh
8. orientation: straigh, with metro tendancies according to me compadres
9. available?: only if you don't count needy friends
10. lefty/righty: Righty.

TEN THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE.
1. have you ever been in love: yup
2. do you believe in love: yuppers
3. why did your last relationship fail: She was moving
4. have you ever been heart broken: I dunno
5. have you ever broken someone's heart?: I hope not
6. have you ever fallen for your best friend: No
7. have you ever liked someone but never told them: yup
8. are you afraid of commitment: not really
9. have you ever kissed someone you liked: Yup
10. have you ever had a secret admirer: Yes, and I still don't know who

TEN THINGS:
1. love or lust: love
2. hard liquor or beer: liqour, occasionally
3. night or day: night
4. one night stands or relationships: Dunno
5. television or internet: Teh Intarweb
6. pepsi or coke: pepsi straight, coke mixed
7. wild night out or romantic night in: meh
8. colored pictures or black and white pictures: depends on the picture
9. phone or in person: In person, definatly
10. aim or phone: phone

TEN HAVE Y0U EVERS.
1. been caught sneaking out?: Nope
2. skinny dipped?: nope
3. done something you regret?: a few things
4. bungee jumped?: nuh-uh
5. been on a house boat?: Nope
6. finished an entire jaw breaker?: nope
7. wanted someone so badly it hurt?: yup
8. been caught by your parents with a hickey?: nope. Mom thought it was, but it was just razorburn
9. danced in the rain?: yup
10. had a hang over?: nope

Do you want to play with fire?


jus4fun06

:: 2006 4 August :: 2.50pm

i just wanna cry. this is all so frustrating. im confused and im lost and i dont know what to do. i just dont understand and no one is helping me and i dont know why. they keep saying im making the wrong decisions... im doing the wrong thing. im all wrong wrong wrong!!! well what the fuck is right>.. sdj kjdsf;'lsdjhfs ajh. i really dont know how to do this. FFFFFFUUUUUUCCCKKKKK!!!!

Do you want to play with fire?


jus4fun06

:: 2006 31 July :: 5.00pm
:: Mood: frustrated

[[l0ves an excuse t0 get hurt]]
adam... where do i begin? lets just save it all for another entry... am i the only one who finds it hilarious that a guy would have a girlfriend for not even 12 hours and he cheats on her... funny... right? nick says that makes me special... special enough that he chose me to cheat on his girlfriend with? wtf? iono... i dont understand it... care to help me?

Do you want to play with fire?


joslyn_julia

:: 2006 29 July :: 11.49am
:: Music: Snow Patrol- Chasing Cars

I smell a little disdain in your mind... but why so much towards me?
i just had to come on to thank gunny for putting the color codes up since i am lazy and like to have things in a place that i don't have to spend an hour to change my site.

aside from that, i wish that it was the end of next month already b/c i would really like to get back to camp carthage. i miss my friends, but am concerned about the roommate situation for the coming year. this will either be very good or incredibly aweful. only time will tell.
gah i need food, before my insides deside to eat them selves.

Do you want to play with fire?


jus4fun06

:: 2006 19 July :: 12.15am

DANIBANANNI: but im kinda creeped out that someone in reston virginia keeps looking at my myspace
DANIBANANNI: four different ip addresses have looked at my site, 34,32,29,and 13 times in the last month
DANIBANANNI: im kinda freaked out about that
TalkshowOnMute45: ip addresses change
DANIBANANNI: but still... who is that person obsessing over me???
DANIBANANNI: wouldnt you be scared?
TalkshowOnMute45: see, i hate it when girls act like people are obsessed over them
TalkshowOnMute45: you sound like kelly
TalkshowOnMute45: its probably just random people
DANIBANANNI: oh.
TalkshowOnMute45: and who cares
DANIBANANNI: that kinda hurts my feelings when you compare me to kelly.
DANIBANANNI: but i guess youre right
TalkshowOnMute45: annd i hate it when girls are overly sensitive to things that have no correlation whatsoever
DANIBANANNI: oh
DANIBANANNI: im sorry

im sorry but that really hurt my feelings and made me lost for words to say to you.

Do you want to play with fire?


jus4fun06

:: 2006 22 June :: 7.44pm
:: Mood: exhausted

So I had college oreintation today. It was quite overwhelming. I came home ready to sleep. Between placement testing and being thrown into awkward situations with entire strangers has really exhaust me. There were definatly some very quite guys who I would be more than willing to have their babies. Lol!! Im thinking that my "first year class" (no we can't be called freshman here) has the most straight guys in the entire population there. hmm... maybe i do have hope. too tired... later~

Do you want to play with fire?

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