joslyn_julia
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2005 18 March :: 4.16pm
everything is so well understood but i keep getting confused
fuck, i am tired.
stephen (steven?) is really nice, he amuses me. silly freshman.
real tired. i guess that is all i have to say
Do you want to play with fire?
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blondie17
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2005 18 March :: 12.02pm
did i mention that we got pulled over twice last night? i had to drive his car baack to mine. cause he has a suspended license. he didnt pay a ticket, so to make the night worse.
life sucks.
i have also noticed that i havent been eaating very much. my apetite has shrunk or something. i just find myself to never be hungry. when i think i am i only end up eating a quarter of what i intended anyways. it is pretty sad.
god last night sucked so much. i sat at the coffee house with him and his sister (who is pretty fucking cool) and her friends where there. one of them happened to be one of his ex girlfriends. who i find out has lost a lot of weight, and is hott, and now he wants to get baack with her. they talked on my cell phone last night. and flirted. God! i cant take this anymore. i am so pissed and upset. i feel like everything that i put any effort towards is just screwed over.
Do you want to play with fire?
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blondie17
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2005 18 March :: 11.34am
there i go getting screwed again
my luck also ended last night.
how is it that something that i felt was so right, so perfect,happened to be totally different for him. something i thought was amazing and special just happend to be something that just "friends" do. we kissed and when it happened i got a chill down my back and i thought he felt the same way because he kissed me back. i was estatic. he was totally oblivious to how i felt. you know i was thinking im so fucking selfish. this guy is going through so much right now, and all i can think about is how he doesen't want me more than a friend. im such a bitch. i realize that crying yesterday, sobbing, on the way home, is all my fault anyways. i knew what was going on. but hearing him want to get with other girls just kills me. i just want to slap him and tell him to wake the fuck up and look right infront of his fucking nose. i dont know how easy it will be to continue just being friends. i need to be there. i have to. he has no one else. but i just wish i could be more to him. i thought i was.
you know what, i realized....i want to move really bad. not just out of my house, but out of michigan. i need to get away from everything and everyone. i cant stand seeing the people who once screwed me over and i cant stand anymore broken fucking hearts. i am going to do whatever i can, so at the beginning of summer or somewhere close to the beginning, i will hopefully be somewhere far away. away from everyone and everything just sounds so perfect right now.
Do you want to play with fire?
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joslyn_julia
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2005 17 March :: 6.17pm
:: Mood: anxious
here is my infinate question:
WHAT IF.....
2 burns |
Do you want to play with fire?
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joslyn_julia
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2005 17 March :: 5.27pm
i feel so much better.
things are calm, today f*ing rawked
and yeah, i just really can't wait until we don't have school.
Do you want to play with fire?
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blondie17
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2005 17 March :: 8.49am
oh wow.
it happened
now that worry is setting in
stress get off of me!
we kissed.
im scared
im happy
AHHHHHHHHHHH!
WOOOOHUUUU!!!!!!!!
Do you want to play with fire?
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joslyn_julia
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2005 17 March :: 8.17am
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: The Eagles- Take it easy
Soo sorry.
thanks to who ever posted, but now i am more confused than ever. i should learn to put my foot in my mouth and not speak without thinking things through. i may have lost something that would have been great, but i may have saved myself from having to deal with a whole lot. idk anymore.
i will be here unsure for another 2 months. i'm sorry about my rage.
i would take it all back, just to be your friend, and only your friend.
1 burn |
Do you want to play with fire?
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joslyn_julia
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2005 16 March :: 5.00pm
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: some mirror song from broadway
so, i started to work out to calm down
and then i got a head ache and wanted to puke
now i want to puke and sleep,
i feel so flippin wore out
Do you want to play with fire?
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joslyn_julia
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2005 16 March :: 4.01pm
in all honesty, i am sick of this bull shit.
i am done. there is no tomorrow with you,
i want nothing to do with you, i don't want to even talk to you unless you have something worthwhile to say
i say things out of anger, but if it is always going to me like this
you don't deserve me.
you could have had the best of me, emotionally
i am caring and giving and supportive
but you are all fucking assholes who are unworthy of my fucking time
i'll be 18 next month, i can do whatever the fuck i want
and when i leave in 2 months you better know i will be so fucking glad to go.
Do you want to play with fire?
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joslyn_julia
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2005 16 March :: 3.54pm
for my sake i would like it if everyone who reads my journal would leave me a llist of my pro's and con's.
you can post anon. it doesn't matter, because i want to know what you think.
1 burn |
Do you want to play with fire?
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blondie17
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2005 16 March :: 11.56am
:: Music: the used
my stupid poem
Head over Heals
Understanding the nothing that is there
wishing that something was more than whats intentions are trying to make it.
Screaming through an invisible sound proof wall
wanting that nothing to be something
to catch me when i fall
Yet warned again then falling fast, faster than just nothing
this is something
reading wrong whats been prescribed...overdosing, to find that
hidden cry
Nothing is what is there while somethings what I crave
standing alone yet again someone else will get what i want
ill begin to fade
always finding that middle ground, im a friend, only what you want
isn't what ive found
Overbearing signs that scream deaaad END! In wich i only yield.
then being alone wishing for that nothing to be something
i know is real.
falling over the mountain for you
head over heals.
Do you want to play with fire?
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joslyn_julia
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2005 15 March :: 10.15pm
:: Music: Seether- Gasoline
i made chocolate chunk cookies and all of my friends get one, but mainly i made them for chad so he will maybe behave for once. lol, doubtful but worth a shot. i don't think i will see him tomorrow and it may be soo good not to, because i still don't want to deal with any of it.
Do you want to play with fire?
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joslyn_julia
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2005 15 March :: 6.36pm
In response
i am looking for happiness, and someone to care for maybe someone to care about me
i could have been the best anyone could ever have. not like i am going anywhere or something but i seriously, might just quit iwth it. i odn't even feel like going to prom, and i wish i could take back my dress and just sleep. it could have been so much fun but why should i waste my time. it is only going to be one more dance that i don't have a date for, and one more crappy HS memory.
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joslyn_julia
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2005 15 March :: 3.31pm
well, that was a nice trip down memory lane.
i just went back and read a bunch of my past entries, and guess what i am just as fucked up now as i was then, if not more so.
except now i know that i won't get that guy who loves me that i am always dreaming about, just a friend that i am supposed to settle on talking too, not fooling around with. i get nothin.
no dice. i need something now, i have to find it. i am going to get messed up again, all of my old habits have slowly been resurfacing.
fuck
Do you want to play with fire?
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joslyn_julia
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2005 15 March :: 2.54pm
:: Mood: empty
:: Music: Incubus- Here in my room
God is empty, so am i
if i am beautiful, i don't see it
i feel empty. god is empty.
fate is out to get me, not really but maybe
i will ruin myself in the end
there is no sleep for the wicked, that's what they keep saying
i sleep everynight, but i am bad.
bad wicked empty and feeling alone.
this is just one of those days, i can't feel the happiness
i hear the words. i have nothing to say
i can't push you, the motivation is here but you are blind
i won't find love
i'm too messed up. life is too queer.
i feel like it's all against me, have i turned my back it?
no, maybe. i can't be sure with my head in the clouds
but i am back. i can't have what i want, because i will never deserve it
i only deserve the tears, that's all i have ever been good for.
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