When the sun goes down, she comes around...
so due to my recent severe exhaustion, i decide to go to bed early. obviously that doesnt work. so i decide to give myself the luxury of sleeping in, something that is pretty rare. I set my alarm for 11:03 when I crawl into bed at 4-fucking-thirty AM. But no, my body decides to play these evil tricks on me like HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH, YOU'RE WAKING UP AT 8AM today! AND You're NOT going to fall back asleep! No matter how hard you try! Fuck You!

ah, I love days like this. me against me days.

You look like...a perfect fit...
The universe is upside down. Everything is crazy. But I'm still happy.

Yeah buddy, I think you're super! Even if you kick my ass.

alright, that analogy didnt come out quite like i meant it. and after talking to jason, i'm getting more and more certain that what i need is time to cool off and vent in here so i dont say anything irrational...although at this point it seems to matter less. perspectives. its all about perspectives.

His dad was oh-so-mad, should have killed that little fucker before he even had...
There are certain paths that people take in life...
I know some people who claim to take the righteous path, God's 4-lane expressway to heaven.
I like to call the path that I have chosen for my life to be "the path of least resistance". I don't think anyone has the right to critisize that choice, even if they are taking the righteous way, after all, I'm not critisizing their way of life either.

However, when those two paths start crossing each other, or running parallel...when those people in totally different mindsets start acting similarly, I can't see the paths to blame. I see a hypocrite. For critisizing the way I act and then doing the same.
For some reason, our paths keep turning in towards the same road of life. And I can say that I haven't been to church lately.

I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad...the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had...
Sometimes people really drive me nuts. And there's certain situations where you just know that it's not your place to say anything at all.

I almost feel like saying anything to either one of them would be hypocritical. But the more I look at it, I realize it's not. For christ's sake, it's common courtesy, get a room. To yourselves. That means without me in it. And I don't want to have to leave. Or feel like I'm supposed to.

I have so many rants today, I could really go off for days. Someone finally called me back today. But of course, I get a call to listen, never to speak. Maybe I'm not having a major life crisis, but I still feel like I have some things I'd like to say.. again I am not given that luxury, it would be too much to have a friend who listens to me. I am the listener. So what if what I had to say doesnt matter to you? So what if my life isn't as shockingly dramatic as yours? Common courtesy. A conversation involves two people. Talking AND listening. And if I called you first, chances are I wanted to do some talking. And I know darn well you're not going to call me back like you said. Something WILL come up.

Signed an apartment lease yesterday. It felt good to do something that concrete. Making some actual moves towards a future. Although who knows what that future may be. It looks like it will probably be one of lonliness. I can't make friends, keep friends. I'm living alone.

I can't help but still feel that pull from back home, the people who like to toy with my brain. I realized yesterday that things will always change when it is too late for it to matter. It's for the best, I know, but it still hurts that I have to deal with it. I thought it was all in the past. I have already let it go.

As for another...I still need to know your motivations. Sometimes you seem like two totally different people. That's not a complaint, just a confusion. Where do you want to take it? Where do you want it to go?

I'm numb, I can't think anymore. Nothing is wrong but everything is shit.

i got new pants, do dodo do do... i like pants. the next best thing to new shoes. other than boots. mmmm....boots...

She says that love is for fools who fall behind...
i cant do it i cant do it i cant do it i cant do it.........

please please please just let me go. i'm not worth it...i'm not worth it

Can we forget everything that makes sense?
I don't understand anything
Can we go to tomorrow
Thinking, thinking this way
Will we live in sorrow
Or will I forever pray
Trees will never be forgotten anyway
Tomorrow looks the same to me
Tomorrow’s in my way
And it happened way too fast
Hello, goodbye, you're in the past
And can we forget
Everything that makes sense
And one day we'll find
Everything turned out just right
Last night I watched the stars
They never look the same
It kind of reminds me of me
And the meaning in my name
I will one day be forgotten anyway
Tomorrow kills me
Tomorrow's in my way
And it happened
Way too fast
Hello, goodbye, you're in the past
And can we forget
Everything that makes sense
And one day we'll find
Everything turned out just right
Tell me why I’m getting tired of everything
And all the words that would mean nothing
This is my understanding of everything
Everything that means nothing

The joy is not the same without the pain...
arghh....i don't know what to say...i feel like i should say something...

i have given up on logic in my life. but so far i am liking the results.


elizabeth and i had a long chat about the situations i'm in, and what the best plan of action would be.

i think it helped, even though she probably just told me what I wanted to believe.


i keep writing single sentences and then walking away from the computer....i don't think it helps my goldfished train of thought much....

I don't know about you...I may not be the man you want me to...
1. Full name: Stefanie Anne Wilde
2. Birthday: August 17th, 1984
3. Location: Kalamazoo
4. Where else have u lived: Cedar Springs, Mi, and Pickerington, Ohio
5. School/mascot/colors: Broncos. Brown and Gold
6. Zodiac sign: Leo
7. Shoe size: about a 9
8. Height: *cough* 5'4 with good shoes
10. Pets: a dog and a cat at home
11. Siblings: 2 sisters one brother
12. Eye color: greyish blue
13. Hair color: i am currently a redhead.
14. Hair length: almost hitting my shoulders...I can get it into a ponytail! yay!
16. What color? I believe I already answered that^
17. Grade: umm...I am a college sophomore...
18. Are u good in school?: sometimes
19. hobbies: I dont know what you would call a hobby of mine anymore
20. Nicknames: Stef, Cally, Count Dykeula (rawr)
21. What languages do you speak?: English. Y espanol un my poco.
22. Do you play sports?: sadly, no longer.
23. Where were you born?: Grand Rapids
24. Are you a night or a morning person?: would you consider 3 am to be the night, or the morning? i dont sleep
25. Are you ticklish?: like you wouldnt believe.
26. Do you believe in God?: i don't NOT believe...
27. Do you have any other screen names?: Not too many that I use other than JediBumblebee
28. What are they?: umm...
29. Do you have braces?: I did for quite some time.
30. Do you have glasses/ contacts?: totally. i have majorly bad vision.

:::Getting personal:::
31. What do you want to be when you grow up?: I am grown up. but when I get out of college, I think maybe a market researcher. or a social psychologist.
32. What was the worst day of your life?: I could never pick just one. But I had a major series of lows throughout late middle school. and a couple bad days since I've been at school.
33. What is your most embarrassing story?: it involves teddy bears.
34. What has been the best day of your life?: Opening night of one of the plays.
35. What comes first in your life?: my own wishes and desires. no, seriously.
36. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/crush?: Always.
37. What are you most scared of?: People hiding in the shower.
38. If you had an extra set of eyes were would you put them?: I would plant them like mini hidden cameras.
39. What do you usually think about before you go to bed?: damn, I have to get up in a few hours.
40. What do you regret the most?: um...wasted time.
41. If you could do anything without consequences, what would you do? Rob a bank, steal a car, and perform cold-blooded murder.

::::Favorites::::
42. Movie: the new guy (even though jason thinks it sucks)
43. Song: paper thin walls....modest mouse
44. Band/group/artist: ben kweller! modest mouse! dashboard confessional... the cranberries...
45. Store: CD/DVD on alpine...woo!
46. Relative: i love my lacy :)
47. Sport: hockey or soccer
48. Vacation spot: North Carolina.
49. Ice cream flavor: moosetracks
50. Fruit: strawberries
51. Candy: reeses
52. Car: mm...I want a caddy.
53. Class: this semester its intro to sociological theory.
54. Holiday: probably April Fools day or Christmas.
55. Day of the week: Tuesday
56. Color: green (not purple)
57. Magazine: maxim.
58. Name for a girl: Sera Alizabeth
59. Name for a boy: Donavin Joseph or Beckrin Michael.
60. Sports team: Do not have one.
61. Month: May or June
62. Man athlete: ?
63. Female athlete: ?
64. Actress: umm...Cameron Diaz
65. Actor: Ben Affleck
66. Tv show: I dont really watch tv
67. Web site: WOOHU.COM!!!!
68. Animal: le tigre
69. E-mail buddy: no one emails me anymore :(
70. Joke: Where do you find a turtle with no legs??

Wherever you left it.
71. Saying: You laugh because I'm different...I laugh because you're all the same...
72. Word: haha linoleum!
73. Brand of shoes: well... I like my Vans.. but I can't be brand-specific
74.Radio station: WIDR
75. Room in your house: ha...I prefer the foyer... a 12x12 "house" doesnt have a whole lot to offer.
76. Concert you have been to: Modest Mouse
77. Cd: i could never pick one. but i've sure got a lot of copies of Ben Kweller's "Sha-Sha"
78. President: Clinton brought necessary reality to the Whitehouse and the presidency.
79. Salad: I have a psychological fear of salad.
80. Meat: meat is gross.
81. Pizza topping: cheese?
82. State: Kentucky
83. City: ...
84. Lake: Michigan
85. Ocean: Atlantic.
86. Place to be: the hallway.
87. Smell: boys. yum.
88. Sound: music.
89. Taste: Oh! Gaaaaaah hahahahaa! gummie peach hearts. mmmmm
90. Feeling: maybe gummie peach hearts is more of a feeling than a taste....HAHAHAHAHA
91. College: mwah.
92. Number: 26
93. Book: I dont read.
94. Vacation spot: didnt i already answer that?
95. Grandma: I can't pick a favorite Grandma! That's so wrong!!!
96. Grandpa: Like I said!!
97. Cereal: I love all cereal....they finally fixed my golden grahams in the caf.

:::::In the past 24 hours have you..::::
152. Had a serious talk?: yeah.
153. Hugged someone?: I hug frequently
154. Fought with a friend?: not really.
155. Cried?: I don’t cry
156. Laughed?: I’m sure
157. Made someone laugh?: Yes
158. Bought something?: does food count?
159. Cut your hair?: nope. Thought about picking up the scissors though
160. Felt stupid?: all the time
161. Talked to someone you love?: love, what?
162. Missed someone?: yeah.

:::Have you ever:::
163. Done drugs?: maybe
164. Eaten an entire box of oreos?: about three quarters of one.
165. Been dumped?: Yes. But only once.
166. Had someone be unfaithful to you?: I don’t really know.
167. Watched punky brewster?: yeah-huh
168. Hiked a mountain?: no. how bout a hill!!!
169. Stayed home on saturday night, just because?: Well of course.
171. Seen the white house?: No.
172. Seen the eiffel tower?: again no.
174. Drank alcohol?: yeah
175. Smoked marijuana?: maybe.
176. Played monopoly?: all the time
178. Seen titanic?: yep.
179. Kissed someone?: um, yeah
180. French kissed someone?: um, maybe yeah.
182. Tried a weight loss program?: yeah huh
183. Jumped on a trampoline?: Yay!
184. Visited another country?: Does canada count?
185. Colored in a coloring book(and had fun)?: Of course!
186. Had a bubble bath?: ah, that is what I miss from home.
187. Been on a plane?: Not that I was old enough to remember
188. Been on a boat?: Yes
189. Been on a train?: No?
190. Been in a car accident?: yeah, not a bad one
191. Ridden an elephant?: no…
192. Made a web page?: yes
193. Played with barbies?: Yes.
194. Stayed up all night?: I am a college student?
195. Shoved stuff under your bed to make your room look clean?: well, here it wouldn’t work so well.
196. Broken a bone?: my toe. But that doesn’t really count.
197. Called a psychic or sex hotline?: hhahha…in the 7th grade my best friend and I would dial 1-800-(insert any random dirty word we could think of here) and get porn lines.
198. Watched jerry springer?: Yes.
199. Gotten in trouble for talking in class?: I had a constant rotation of seats in Mr Schoen’s geography class.
200. Been afraid of the dark?: not really. More what is hiding in the shadows.
201. Been in the hospital(not visiting)?: I’ve had a lot of blood work, a major bone scan and an x-ray or two, those were all done at a hospital
202. Had stitches?: yeah, I had surgery on my lip once.
203. Dumped someone and regretted it?: yeah I suppose?
204. Went out with more than one person at a time?: not formally, no
205. Lied?: No! Never.
206. Been arrested?: being picked up by the cops is different than being arrested
207. Fallen asleep in class?: I slept through the greater portion of econ 201 last semester…as well as several classes through MS and HS
208. Used food for something other than to eat?: the food here is not for eating. Nate and I made a sweet volcano out of potatoes, french fries, ketchup, and diet coke.
209. Met a celebrity?: Ben Kweller! Woo yeah!
212. Hated yourself?: hasn’t everyone?
213. Been brokenhearted?: eh
214. Broken someones heart?: I don’t know, it’s their heart.
215. Wanted to kill someone?: all the time
216. Fell off a chair?: too many times
218. Been in a fist fight?: yep…not a real big one though
219. Been in a cat fight?: totally

::::Do You::::
220. Like to give hugs?: yes
221. Like to walk in the rain?: yes
222. Sleep with or without clothes on?: I love pajamas
223. Prefer black or blue pens?: I can’t write with blue pens. It stresses me out.
224. Dress up on halloween?: yes, this year I think I had 4 costumes
225. Have a job?: yes
226. Like to travel?: depends on where and with whom
227. Like someone? I like everyone (almost)
228. Sleep on your side, tummy or back?: all over. I usually wake up on my back though
230. Want to marry?: eventually
231. Have a goldfish?: No, everytime I get one they die..
232. Ever have the falling dream?: I used to have a “rolling down the stairs so fast that I careen out of control” dream….but no real falling
233. Have stuffed animals?: uhhhuh, the only one I have up at school is the one that mike gave me that he won out of the claw machine though
234. Go on vacation?: uhmm…sometimes

:::Other:::
235. Do you belive in the horoscopes: I read them and act like I believe them…
236. Do you like your handwriting: hahahhhahhaha….no way buddy
237. If you could be anybody, who would you be and why: I am not sure.
238. What superhero would you be: I’m not really up on my superheros
239. Do you have any piercings: My ears and cartilage at present
240. Any tattoos: Nope
241. If so where: no.
242. If not, where and what do you want: I would contemplate a star on my hip.
243. Are you picky: Very.
244. What makes you cry: nothing.
245. What makes you mad: there are several things
246. What do you think of eminem: I think of Dave down the hall. And the picture in jason’s room.
247. Who do you admire: uhmm…everyone.
248. Do you like cartoons: some of them
249. Do you believe in the devil: I dunno
250. What is the one place you have to visit before you die: I want to go to Spain.
251. What did you do today: Woke up, took a shower, ate breakfast, now I’m here.
252. Where do you work: Menards
253. Do you even have a job you lazy bum: no I already answered that you uh, dumbass.
254. Are your 'rents lame: Please, don’t ever say ‘rents ever again.
255. Do you own a miniskirt: yes…most are at home though. I prefer long skirts.
257. What is the farthest your have traveled: Florida?
258. Who is a diva: YOUR MOM.
259. What kind of shampoo do you use: usually L’Oreal
260. What about conditioner: same
261. Do you use big words to sound smart: no, I tend to try to dumb myself down
262. When you get mad, do you swear a lot: Yes.
264. Do you have a magic 8 ball: at home
265. Name something that comes in threes: Triplets.
266. Ever worn black nail polish: I used to think I was a punk. And for a little bit, I pretended to go gothic.
268. How many sheets are on your bed: fitted sheet, regular sheet, microfleece blanket, comforter, blanket, and my blankie. I like to keep warm
269. Whats under your bed: a desk and a baby couch.
270. Do you have your own tv and vcr: yes
271. Do you believe in fate: Sure
272. Do you see dead people: Only on the third Saturday after the first Monday in every other month.
273.Are you a good speller: I think so,
274. What is your lucky charm: I don’t really have one. I had a peacock rock and a quarter….
276. Do you like little kids: I love em….
277. Are you talented: No, not really
278. If so, how: Well…
279. Ever hugged a tree: Probably.
280. Do you watch the weather channel while getting ready in your hotel room on vacation: eh?
282. Ever seen a ghost: Not that I can recall. I’ve seen some freaky shit though.
283. How about an alien: No.
284. Do you beleive in either of them: I don’t know.

:::What do you think about:::
285. Abortion: pro-choice
286. Bill Clinton: good speaker.
287. Smoking: tsk tsk
288. Eating disorders: well jeez, I think anorexia is FANTASTIC! (what kind of a question is that?)
289. Rape: well c’mon now
290. Jerry Springer: amusing and sad, sad, sad.
291. Suicide: ahh!
292. South park: never really watched it
293. Summer: I miss it
294. Tattoos: don’t have too many, that looks freaky.
295. Piercing: I like em….most of em
297. Drinking: mmm yummy
298. Guys: hahhahahhahahhaha
299. Girls: just as laughable

:::What or who do you think of when you hear this name:::
300. Jennifer: me
301. Leah: olsen…I remember her…
302. Megan: never comes out of her room
304. Christina: aguilera
305. Angela: my bf in third grade
306. Courtney: girl in my comp class
307. Jeff: **shudder**
308. Mike: my daddy and mike down the hall
309. Nikki: kal’s sis
312. Derek: wiser
313. Lisa: krieter
314. Kristi: from work….
315. Matt: blondie and the squirrel
316. Holly: struman
317. Jackie: down the hall.
318. Cait: eh?
319. Caroline: Carroll at work
320. Suzie: Great, Great Aunt Thelma’s cat. AHHHHHH
321. Sebb: what?
322. Patrick: jess’s friend (secret lover)
323. Erin: eh.?

:::Your friends:::
333. Friends: I’m not going to list.
334. Best friend: elizabeth is def tops lately.
335. Spend most time with: first fox rocks my socks
336. Best house: my friends don’t have houses, they have rooms. Jason’s is good for movie (porno) nights.
337. Funniest: All my friends smell funny, does that count?
338. Smartest: most are smart.
339. Hottest: hahahahah
340. Strongest: I will say mike, although he doesn’t use it to help me tie up jeremy….
341. Most athletic: ….
342. Knows you the best: elizabeth, nate, jason sometimes in the prediction aspect
333. Most outgoing: maybe eliz sometimes.
344. Most shy: none of my friends seem to be especially shy…maybe andy (gunnie)?
345. Always negative: nick gets on his kicks and I hate it….nate can be the same way when he gets into moods
346. Which one let the dogs out: hahah…
347. Most trustworthy: I havent the slightest
348. Most fun to be with: that’s why they are friends
349. Biggest flirt: hehe…me. But eliz has a lot of the similar qualities
350. Best dressed: nick, andy g. have mad crazy whack style
351. Best eyes: jason
352. Most depressed: Gunnie.
353. One to gossip with: I don’t really gossip…maybe eliz
354. Sweetest: all
355. Who has the best room: umm…like I said with house
356. Who follows you: Depends who’s walking in front.
357. Who do you follow: ^
358. Who do you pretend to like but cant stand: No one, I hate when people do that.
359. Do you make friends easily: eh, sometimes. I make enemies easier.
360. Are you intimidated by any of your friends: nope
361. If u were stranded on a desert island then who, out of your friends, would u want to be there with you: that could get way too complex
362. Who do u think would help u the most if u were in trouble: elizabeth
363. Who do u think would risk their life to save yours: I’m going to say mike because he tends to give his all to help out a female. Which is great, but I don’t know that I recommend it…
364. Who is the most popular: we are all nerds.
365. Who is the most unpopular: I don’t know.
366.Who do u want to go to college with: gah, these are written for high school kids
367. Who do u wish could be part of your family: I wouldn’t want any of them to be, they really wouldn’t be friends then
368. Who is the biggest junk food junkie: I don’t know
370. Who do u think has the nicest siblings: Eliz and Robbyo are both my separate friends, and they are siblings, and audrey is awesome…brucie is…well, he doesn’t like me but that’s the best I’m gonna do.
371. Who do u think has the nicest mom: I love eliz’s mom, dani’s mom is awesome (crazy) too.
372. Who do u think has the nicest dad: I’m scared of dads
373. Who do you have the most inside jokes with: elizabeth. Mike and I have a lot too (that’s qweet random!)

I'm freezing...cold....I don't wanna be alone, is that out of the question?
god damn it...
i slept the day away again..

anyhow as far as life updates I dont know that I can give any. the deal with nick seems to be in the dark, I dont think I could handle being with him, and I need him to be 22, not 12.. right now my need for a relationship stems from emotional support. I don't think he can do that for me, not now, especially not when I'm 60 miles away.

I would also like to remind myself in my journal about how Elizabeth is often the coolest friend I have, (even if she isnt coming up tonite...) because of her blunt opinions, brutal honesty. I need someone like that to keep me in check.



oh yes, there's this too...hmm...

What's your sexual appeal?
brought to you by Quizilla

You've got to let me in, or let me out...
Scrambled eggs are just very confused chickens...

::::::::::::::::::::


I wish that things were easy to understand, I want to know how things are going to play out and I hate waiting.

Waiting is just wasting time here.


I also hate when people call me and then hang up.


grr........

You were no ordinary drain on her defenses...
last night was one hell of a trip.

one of you has to give, sooner or later...

The finest day that I ever had was when I learned to cry on command...
I'll start this off
Without any words
I got so high that
I scratched 'til I bled

Love myself
Better than you
I know it's wrong
So what should I do?

The finest day
That I ever had
Was when I learned
To cry on command

Love myself
Better than you
I know it's wrong
So what should I do?

I'm on a plain
I can't complain
I'm on a plain

My mother died
Every night
It's safe to say
Don't quote me on that

Love myself
Better than you
I know it's wrong
So what should I do?

The black sheep got
Blackmailed again
Forgot to put
On the zip code

Love myself
Better than you
I know it's wrong
So what should I do?

I'm on a plain
I can't complain
I'm on a plain

Somewhere I have heard this before
In a dream my memory has stored
As defense I'm neutered and spayed
What the hell am I trying to say?

It is now time
To make it unclear
To write off lines
That don't make a sense

Love myself
Better than you
I know it's wrong
So what should I do?

One more special
Message to go
And then I'm done
And I can go home