Today seems like a good day...to burn a bridge or two...
mad sick today.....i think subway gave me food poisoning. i was super-super sick and almost threw up in the middle of my speech at college today. stomach cramps and the works. not very fun. plus i skipped part of friday so now i am behind. :(

you know how when you are on your way better from being sick you're always super-hungry? that is me right now! i think i'm dying. i dont want to eat but my body says i have to.

i filled out all my college stuff today. big fun. all i have left is my residence hall forms, and i think i can finish that tommorrow. so i will really become a REAL college student. yippie!

but now is bedtime. my tummy is making weird noises.

I stop and I stare too much...Afraid that I care too much...I hardly dare to touch...for fear that this spell may be broken...
I want to write but don't know what to say...

I feel like i hurt...lots...my tummy and my shins again...ugh... I really should go back and have them look into surgery for me...but i really don't like the idea and dont really know that it would solve the problem.

i have to work 8 hours or so at menards tomorrow...so if anyone needs any screws or lumber or anything, come see me...it's likely to be lonely and super slow...i hate this weather with a passion...

i hate that phrase. what is passion?

When you are born, you're afraid of the darkness....Then you're afraid of the light....But I'm not afraid when I dance with a shadow...
Gawd, I'm bouncing off the walls. This is crazy. My OCD has been so so so bad today. It's been getting to me this last week really bad...eevn though it's college spring break i've been under a whole lot of pressure...i have big papers due, musical soon, confrontations with people, physics test, conflicts at work, scholarship stuff...ack! so my "trich" is really getting crazy, and the rest of the stuff is starting to show up too... so if i've been a little nutty to everyone, i'm sorry! :( haven't really been myself.
i'm really bouncy bouncy. i'm loading caffeine on top of OCD....FUN! i want some medicine. or no-doz. either one will do right now. i really want to relax. but if i can't, i might as well have fun with it, eh? alright...i'm gonna go soak myself in the bathtub and try to shake this....at least for tonite so i can sleep for the first time this week. at least this week is almost over.

My mind wanders where it will...and when it settles right on you....I forget what I should say...I forget what I should do....
WHAT AM I DOING WRONG??


I don't really know what I'm doing at all.



Would anyone believe me if I said that I used to be a good writer? Like, quite good. But I've had wicked writer's block for over a year. Now I just suck. I wish I had some empty inspiration. I really want to write something pretty. Not pretty stupid.

Hiya Hugo...Hiya stupid...What ya wanna go get pinned for?...Lost your marbles? Are you nutty?
I REALLY REALLY REALLY hate retrospect. I think life would be so much easier if you ccould never ever look back. I know, everyone will say, "If you couldn't look back, you'd make the same mistakes over and over and over again..." but then how would you know? You'd only know it was a mistake, not that you'd ever done it before, and you might not even remember what you did so you wouldn't know what the mistake was so what would it matter?

Sometimes I feel like I have no willpower. I wish that I had no feeling. I think it would be so much easier to just be empty. I might be headed on that path though....I'm starting to feel a little hollow. My problems aren't solved yet, and I don't really know how.

I dont think I've been myself lately. Unsure if thats good or bad. Or really, what to do about it. Or if I really care at all. People change, right? I don't really even know what I'm talking about.

Do you ever just NOT feel comfortable in your own skin? Crazy. I don't want to be anyone else, just not myself. I'll write some more in a little bit I think....I need some nourishment but fear if I leave this screen open, I'll never see it again.

Cuz the lady is a vamp, she's a vixen not a tramp...She's a dadadadada da da...Come on fellow raise yur bets cos you ain't seen nothing yet...She's the top of the top she's the best...
Weird day. Dont know what to say about it. But very strange. Feelings all tumbly inside me. Not that it would make an outward difference.

Do you want to come to a party?...maybe we'd have some fun....
Yay! It's party day.
My sister is having a birthday party with about 20 or so 13 and 14 year olds taking over my house...so i'll be escaping... Betty and I shall throw a party. Maybe a weak one, but a party nonetheless..yippie! We be a bunch 'o crazy kids! I'm so glad that my parents have given up on caring what i do anymore...

She said it stopped being fun...Just like last time but a little worse....
i can't talk deep; i'm too shallow.

And the whole, world, loves it when you sing the blues...
you know...i really hate my job somedays. like really really hate it. i totally get the shaft, and honestly, i've put up with it for two years or more. we've got this new girl who was automatically promoted to my status...and has decided to take advantage of that and start pushing me around and telling me what to do, all because she's a few years older than me and has a college degree. but not a REAL college degree. she has a degree in BEEF AND CATTLE MANAGEMENT. COWS. I've being pushed around by someone who has gone to school to raise cows. and when i complain about what's going on, i'm just a petty little kid on a power trip.

gotta love the chick rock
If it weren't for your maturity none of this would have happened
If you weren't so wise beyond your years I would've been able to control myself
If it weren't for my attention you wouldn't have been successful and
If it weren't for me you would never have amounted to very much

Ooh this could be messy
But you don't seem to mind
Ooh don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime

We'll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this

You're essentially an employee and I like you having to depend on me
You're kind of my protégé and one day you'll say you learned all you know from me
I know you depend on me like a young thing would to a guardian
I know you sexualize me like a young thing would and I think I like it

Ooh this could get messy
But you don't seem to mind
Ooh don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime

We'll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this

what part of our history's reinvented and under rug swept?
what part of your memory is selective and tends to forget?
what with this distance it seems so obvious?

Just make sure you don't tell on me especially to members of your family
We best keep this to ourselves and not tell any members of our inner posse
I wish I could tell the world cuz you're such a pretty thing when you're done up properly
I might want to marry you one day if you watch that weight and keep your firm body

Ooh this could be messy and
Ooh I don't seem to mind
Ooh don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime

We'll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this

Ooh this could be messy and
Ooh I don't seem to mind
Ooh don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime

We'll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this

I, I got a new life....you would hardly recognize me, I'm so glad...
WoW! To anyone and everyone who went to swirl...Did you have as much fun as I did? :)
I've always liked the big V-day, even when I don't have a boyfriend....everybody is really happy and mushy and its sorta cute. Valentines are great, even when they're from buddies, or daddies... Flowers are fun too. :) I may be a little kids, but all the lovey-doveyness gives me the greatest warm fuzzy feeling inside. Especially when it happens to me too! So I'm sortof bouncing around in my happy haze, mosta my buddies are going to be in FLA with the band, so I probably won't get too many responses to my journalling.

But, I thought swirl was fun...even though our dinner plans went to hell, even though I can't dance, even though I bruised myself during the cha-cha slide, even though I kicked my shoe across the floor and nearly injured a few people, even though my corsage was crushed and I lost my flower at some unknown point. I generally had a great time. And I hope everyone else had a happy V-day too, whether you were there, or not! :)

I've been hanging 'round you for days....But when I lean in, you just turn your head away....(alright, it's stuck in my head!!)
Alrighty....the swirl update. Due to a bit of luck, and I think also due to a chatty mommy, I've got a swirl date... It's the one that I wanted to go with and was too chicken to ask. I'm all flustered because it ends up that HE asked ME yesterday and said that HE'D been wanting to ask ME for a while!! Argh! How silly do I feel? :)

But as you can see...
Expect the unexpected, because often, good things work themselves out in the end.

Stressin' YO!
arrgh too many things going on in my life! i have a scholarship competetion tommorrow, i have had to work every day this week except wednesday, when i had a huge test in my world politics night class...which sucked and was followed the next morning with my first business exam, and then today my Cossin scholarship interview as well as filming for academic moments, which meant i went to school even though i didnt have classes. i have a big speech due on monday and cedar pride week, and swirl... ack...that whole ordeal. lets not even GO there...and new songs in choir stress me out because i feel like i have to work extra hard to keep up with the rest of that class... i haven't done my physics homework yet and i dont have any clean socks because i haven't had the time to do laundry. but HEY, its not a big deal that i dont have shoes, tickets, or even a date to swirl yet, that can wait til, oh, monday? plus i have to do a massive updating to the lazer skate website because i scanned a bunch of pics that need to be coded into the new format of the pages before i upload...all of which i plan on keeping a detailed time sheet which I WILL turn in because i am sick of working so much for free. also ignoring the fact that i've been roughly working 14 hours each week at menards, plus AT LEAST 3 parties a week at lazer skate... plus a couple good flyers and a mailing or two, and my slowly neglected databases and agendas. which is about 15 hours, NOT COUNTING the 12 hour minimum all night skate on the 15th, which i will probably be suckered into working the WHOLE DAMN NIGHT. because everyone knows i have no LIFE.

Still I've gotta find someone to abuse...So won't you run spread the news.. Help say the word...And jump the fuck back and act like you heard...
weirdness! oddness! I want to sing! I want to fling out my arms and sing out the news!

you're afraid he'll hear the way your heart is beating......
ten minutes ago
i saw you
i looked up when you came through the door
my head started reeling
you gave me the feeling
the room had no ceiling or floor

thats such a pretty song. i am a bit tired today. but play practice has been so fun. it is fun to try to steal all the scenes. it's been a great time, everyone's actually getting along a lot better than most everyone thought we would. i'm getting pretty pumped, actually!