::
2007 28 November :: 9.50am
:: Music: Eve 6 - Open Road Song
with every turn comes a new frame of mind/if I could frame my mind/where would it hang?
I'm starting to think I treat my life like a newly minted car. Here's why:
Often, I'd rather leave it in the garage instead of taking it out for a spin.
I always to protect what I have instead of enjoying it.
I become obsessed with the slightest blemish and spend too much effort trying to buff it out instead of looking at the big picture.
While I don't mind showing people around, I'm careful about who I let in.
I'd not that I can't go on the offensive if I have no other choice, but usually I'd rather stay off to the side to avoid the risk.
I'm so concerned with running things at the most optimal level, never realizing that, in time, things will fall apart no matter I do.
Whenever I strip everything away and realize what I'm behind the wheel of, I see what a gift I have. But I have to realize that you don't buy a Beamer to sit in the slow lane. I may come out the other side with a few more blemishes, but it's a small price to pay to avoid being stuck in first gear for the rest of my life.
TMFA = To Many Fucking Acronyms...
Lol, the Jessa and Andy show? That's definitely a "wtf". Well, hello Mr. J. I see you with those shady eyes. Wanting me to fill your belly with delicious digital flavor. I've come to say absolutely...sure. Why the fuck not. I think the last time I was on this site, well, I WEREN'T doing so fucking good. Or maybe it was just because I was still a teenager. It seems so long ago. High school. Now that I look back on it. It was a lot of fun. I miss a lot of things and a lot of people. And just as I thought, things between the latter have fallen apart, I realize some people still use this site! Place: "wtf" (/emotabonics).
Err, where do I start. I'm employed at steelcase cleaning office buildings. I would have a better job but I took the summer off and blew a bunch of cash that I shouldn't have. I'm a pfc in the army (ok national guard) as an engineer. Which means I go once a month and build walls on a shitty installation. I have a wonderful and amazingly cute girlfriend named Jess. (Not the one with the show) And some minor heart problems due to stress. Jokes on me. It's not that bad of a life. And I'm hoping to improve some things. But, it's mine and you can't have it. So fuck you. Utility flask. Martha Stewart. Mofo. To be honest besides the whole six mons. of getting my ass kicked by drill sergeants my life has kinda settled down. And so has my demeanor. After reading this little comments I've posted in my more angsty days. I can see the differences and reflect and (reverie <------FUCK! I Misspellled thaat werd!) in the fact that I can see myself growing. Funny shit. So...bleh. And all that shit I used to say.
Time for bed you no-moving-parts, mechanically literate, server in Andy's aparment, mothafuckerpussarex.
-Dustin
sometimes i just wonder what would happen if i just dropped out of school. i hate it so much it makes me so frustrated. there really is nothing i enjoy about it. nothing i get out of it. i've learned a few things ..... the only class i really liked and i didn't even like it that much i just found it relatively interesting was medical terminology.
it is stupid. fuck. i should just drop out and i'm not getting anywhere anyway. fuck fuck fuck. i wish i could just move to florida with my parents.
except i bought a new camera. i know i know why why why but i can't stand not havin a camera. and this one is really cool i hope it's really as awesome as i think it is.
it has a million settings and stuff.
now if only my man would come home...where is he? work.......
stupid work and stuff. stupid stupid. what an awful day.
i thought wer were gonna see a movie today but ... doubt it.
They are surprisingly good singers and with a little effort they could have made this a good video. Creepy and fucked up, but still good. I really liked the "Jesus is a Cunt" t-shirt.
I find myself sitting here writing this hoping that at some point tonight I will have an internet connection to steal from one of our neighbors so I can share this all with you.
This is the Marriage Eve. Tomorrow I will be married. As much as some people talk about how scary marriage is, I have not felt any of that. Yet. Right now takes me back. I am sitting in our apartment all by myself. You know, the bride and groom are not supposed to see one another, it is bad luck. It takes me back to all those years I spent at home, alone by myself on a Friday night. My parents would be up at the lake and so would my sister and I would have the whole house to myself. That is just the kind of dork that I am that I spent many nights, at home by myself when other people my age were out partying, meeting new people, or just generally indulging in whatever kind of behavior our generation uses to escape. Knowing this fact it is pretty amazing that I found anyone to marry me at all.
I mulled over my options for tonight. On the way home I thought about stopping at B-Dubs, sitting at the bar drinking soda in pure obscurity while watching playoff baseball. I thought about going to see a movie all by myself (the only other time I did that was when I was utterly depressed and had a teenage girl tell me how horrible her life was because she had to change positions for softball). I thought about coming home, calling Keith and seeing if he wanted to stay with me for a few hours. But after thinking all those options through in my head I decided that me here by myself was the best course of action. Why? Well this is what I came up with.
When I would spend all that time alone I would do nothing most of the time. However, there were times when a creative force would just take hold of me and I would be compelled to write something, pick up a guitar and play until my fingers hurt, or just merely wax philosophically until I had so many good ideas in a row that I could not write them down fast enough. I thought tonight had that kind of potential. Besides this, what you are reading now, I think nothing else is going to happen.
For me, those nights of philosophical thought seemed to happen sitting in my room. While it was nice when my parents were gone and I could do anything I want, but did nothing, it was always better when I could be locked away in my room late at night. The nights I liked to be the most creative were the nights that were supposed to mean something. I would stay up really late on Christmas Eve in those years. Locked away in my room, watching TV, all those Christmas commercials on, everything decked out in green and red. I would lie under my blankets in my sweats, the heater turned on and the sweet smell of hot metal because it had run for too long. I would wonder about this Christmas, or what the year had been like and how next year could be better (or I would just swear off commercialism as the downfall of American civil society and go out the next day and buy stuff). It was a mixture of optimism and hope that got me going, for a long time that was all I had to cling to. That is what tonight feels like.
I have all the optimism and hope in the world tonight. It feels like Christmas Eve, but 10.000x bigger. I am getting the best present in the whole wide world. God has sent me the world’s biggest Tootsie Pop. For two years I have slowly been trying to get to the delicious center and tomorrow is the day it finally happens. Tomorrow I get a wife, and that is the best present a man could ever get.
Tonight roman and i went out to east beltline- got coffee at beaners and then went into pet supplies plus and saw these bunnies and the woman let me hold one and then let roman hold the other and they were these dwarf bunnies and we want one really bad. i know that's bad- our apt is going to be all gross with pets but not really but we want one becaue they were so adorable and the woman said that they can be litter box trained and stuff and that they are good pets and you can let them out and hop around and stuff.
so yeah i duno. we might get a bunny i think.
and then we looked at halloween costumes . but we need to find something fun to do on halloween before we go and buy the costumes becaues they are expensive.
but if we do go somewhere we want to look all cute and costumey.
annnd then we went to the IMAX and saw transformers. i had never been there before so it was pretty neat. it was making me a little nauseous though because it is so big and stuff.
and other than that, i want to quit school because seriously i am doing really horrible and i studied hard and thought i did quite well on that last test and i did awful. i'm so pissed. at myself, at the class, at davenport, at the test. they are horrible tests. they are hard and confusing and stupid.
ugh
but seriously i don't want to be a fricken failure. i want to have a career. i dont want to just be a little housewife with kids. i mean, seriously- i dont care if it sounds pathetic to some people but that is my number one thing i look forward to - i look foward to having a family and raising our kids and being the perfect mother and wife. that is number one on my list and always will be but i reallly feel like i won't feel like i accomplished as much as i could have. i'll feel like i failed or like i didn't reach my potential. like... i have to have a CAREER too. at some point. you know? my mom regrets it so much and i don't want to have that same regret.
I hate school so much though. and i honestly really really don't have any idea what i would be good at.
but i'm shadowing this guy's that my dad knows daughter. ( i know i wrote that all wrong i dont care right now) and she is a nurse so i guess i'll find out then if i could handle it or not. which i know i probably can't. ughghghghgh hwhatever.
and anyway i like midnite sun and cruise and getting tan and sexy now if only i could get myself to start fricken working out . seriously. i need to get serious about that. i really really do. i just feel like a moron in front of all those muscley guys. eww and i don't want to run on the tredmills and fall on my face like on a tv show. i'd be so embarassed. and it would hurt. i can't run on those treadmills. i'm not coordinated enough to do that and listen to my earphones and sing MY hUMPS in my head and watch the tvs with no sound and worry about what people are thinking of me and check my heart rate all at the same time.
HOW DO YOU PEOPLE DO IT. HOW DO YOU RUN ON TREADMILLS.
and that m y friend is the question of the day. how DO you people run on treadmills.
So I'm watching Dirty Sexy Money right now. There was a reference to “The Italian Banker,” so I decided to look this up and to see what it entailed. In my not so successful searches I ended up on Wikipedia.
Okay, so I know I haven't updated in ?????? 9 months?
Sorry about that.
Life gets busy.
First of all I would never recommend Davenport University to anyway. Perhaps more details to follow in another 9 months.
I have a puppy. Should I say we have a puppy. And right now she is sick. Apparently she has a virus that is highly contagious and is deadly if not treated. We caught it early, so hopefully she is going to be okay. She seems fine right now, we just have to make sure she keeps eating and drinking.
I was watching the parade on Saturday. It brought back to me memories of being in a band. I don't know why. It just struck me that one of the coolest things I had ever done was play in a parade. The opportunities that God gives you are truly amazing.
Oh yeah, and for those of you who haven't realized yet, I'm getting married on Saturday. Peace.
i'm quite sure one of the many reasons i am not doing well in this stupid one night a week, three hour class is that there are computers in here. this a fricken computer lab. not a classroom. dude. seriously. it's 6 at night-there are plenty of other classrooms but no they stick us in a classroom with computers with access to facebook and myspace and woohu and email. ughghghhh and then the boredom hits and i'm online.
i've never done so bad in school. i think it's a sign. i shouldn't be a nurse. i doubt i can handle it. i'm compassionate but i'm too compasionate i cry whenever someone else gets tears in their eyes. i'd be walking around crying 24/7 and my waterproof makeup wouldn't hold up and also would clog my pores.
fuck you davenport .....i have such mixed feelings towards you- you gave me so much money and a good oppurtunity but no choices.
i think maybe we should break up. how do you feel about that davenport? i think maybe you are no good for me and i am getting no where being with you.
is anyone good at statistics? i'm not.
i really should just leave this class. i think i may. there's no point in me being here. i leave with pointless notes that i never ever look at. they mean nothing to me.
damnit.
stupid college. What else could i do with my life? seriously i dont think i would be good at anything. i'll be a good mom and that's really pretty much it.
i duno. gotta check homework i'm sure i'll be back
::
2007 9 October :: 12.34pm
:: Mood: nostalgic
:: Music: Radiohead - Let Down
So they are doing construction on campus, which is a major pain in the arse because it's right along the path I walk every day. Anyway, I was on my way to the Science Bldg. and I passed a construction worker sitting in the shade, relaxing and enjoying his lunch. I was immediately brought back to the summer of '01 working at Arrow Door, sitting outside with Chris, Fras, and Co. I remember jumping in line with everyone at the food cart outside, and the day Stashia and Christa brought us lunch. I hated that job, but sitting outside in the shade, cooling off from the stagnating heat in and outside the building, all the while savoring every last moment of freedom before returning to the floor, that's a fond memory.
No, that’s not enough. More, more. It’s important that you help me reinforce the stereotype of the sex-obsessed gay man who fucks compulsively and indiscriminately, thereby living an empty and hollow existence in which he is unable to love.
Any orifice will do. Oh, you have genital warts? That’s okay, I do too. And AIDS and every other STD imaginable, which are, of course, punishment for my immoral lifestyle.
You, over there. Yeah, you. You’ll do.
Are you straight? Yes? Shit, that’s great. The fact that you’re having sex with me permits me to brand you as a homosexual, a ‘closet case’ as it were. And everybody knows that the scientifically observed fact of sexuality being fluid and permitting a plethora of activity outside the bounds of standard heterosexuality is bullshit, so come out of the closet already, you fucking faggot.
Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate your cock. As you ram it down my throat, it’s apparent to me that it’s not the act itself that turns me on, so much as the high I get from symbolically possessing aspects of a masculinity that I have denied in myself. For this we can surely blame my father, who never taught me to play baseball.
So now that you’re having sex with me and I’ve brought you down to my level, I can feel, if only for a moment, like being gay isn’t all that bad. As if it isn’t a behavior that I know deep in my soul to be unnatural and against the will of God.
That’s it, come in my mouth. Mmmm.
Okay, next! How about you? Oh, you’re gay? Whatever.
Hey, maybe we can devise some semblance of a mutual relationship, and pretend that we are in love? Perhaps this will provide a brief respite for the crushing knowledge that we are in fact uber-narcissistic man-children, forever slaves to a thumb-sucking mommy complex, and destined to die in loneliness and despair because we can never love anyone as much as we love ourselves?
Anyway, fuck me in the ass.
What—you’re putting on a condom? Jesus, you gotta be kidding me. Do you really think I respect my body and myself enough to want to protect myself from an STD that--heavens forefend--I don’t already possess?
Please. I would consider it an honor to receive your diseased meat and/or the toxic seed contained within. It would only hasten my departure from a world in which I attempt to normalize behaviors that are quite obviously unnatural, exhibiting a denial bordering on psychosis in which I do not see that men were given a penis and women a vagina for a reason, and that homosexual behavior violates the very fabric of human existence and the universe.
Harder, please. Also, keep calling me your cock-hungry fuck puppet. Your continued thrusting and hurling of insults only turns me on more. Oh, it may seem that we’re only role-playing, and the slaps you apply so generously to my face and ass are a fetishistic device used to enhance the sexual relations we are currently enjoying.
But we both know that your hatred is real, and what may seem like an innocent game is actually a serious expression of the hatred you feel for yourself, and my acceptance of this hatred hinges upon my sublimated desire to be punished for the sinful lifestyle that I have chosen, yes chosen, for myself.
Yeah, pump your load into my ass.
Isn’t it depressing to think of all that is wasted in the act we have just completed? Instead of taking part in the beautiful creation of life, we have instead resigned ourselves to a state of suspended adolescence in which we espouse the futile and vile notion that the gay lifestyle is somehow “normal” and “acceptable.”
Your precious seed of life has become little more than excrement, to be eventually shat out of my bowels and cast into the sewer, the sewer where our kind most assuredly belongs.
So today i was in a really horrible mood. really life isn't that bad. i am just really really stressed and overwhelmed. i have too much stuff going on.
what it comes down to is that i am horrible at making decisions. and yeah
fuck this shit . i need a mother fucking vacation i swear to god if i wouldn't lose my scholarship i would leave this stupid fucking country in an instant. fuck the sholarship, i'm going to lose it anyway because there is no god damn way i'm passing that fucking class. who the fuck am i kidding whydidn't i just enroll in chic or some shit so i could actually have some income by now. seriously how the hell do people even fucking do it. theres no fucking way . i'd say i shoudl move back in with my parents but fuck it they are moving to florida anyway so too god damn late for me.
okay so red flannel is like scary and loud and ugly
and i dont know if i can go to one ever again. it had good parts and i liked the band competition but i couldn't wait to leave. i know, bad right but i duno
