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2006 4 December :: 5.54pm
It's cold as hell outside. Just got back from tromping in the snow and building hopping to avoid it. Last biology lab! It was pretty exciting. We had a group quiz, and no one but me knew how to do it.
Next week is exam week, and then I return on the fifteenth!
My mother sent me flowers today in honor of my birthday. It was pretty neat.
Michelle
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2006 3 December :: 10.14pm
:: Mood: high
Happy Birthday to me in less than two hours. Nineteen. Nothing too special, just another year fulfilled. I think I'm getting to that age where birthdays become less and less special, and that's sad.
Sorry, kids, no rantings or substantial writing tonight. I haven't got the brain power for it now. It's hard enough typing as it is.
Drive Safe.
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2006 1 December :: 11.23am
Class is cancelled. Lots of snow. Oh, goodness is there a lot of snow.
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2006 30 November :: 10.41pm
Jackie's hair is pretty and my curling iron is too large for her.
That is unfortunate.
I pushed the button good.
I'm very proud of myself.
Where are my fucking smokes? Seriously.
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2006 30 November :: 6.20pm
I am SO fucking pissed.
Okay, nice little speech class, teacher doesn't teach us anything, gives us a study guide, I study the study guide, I take the exam.
I did better than the class average of 31/100.
I got a 41/100.
Now, the best grade I can get in that class is an 86%. Great.
And I hate that girl in U-Band, too.
Fucking bitch. The director moved her because I asked her to.
And she says, "Why did Sarah move me? Is it because you don't want to sit by me?"
My reply was, " I'm not going to lie, I don't like sitting by you."
"Well," as she glared at me like I was the most horrible person on earth, "I didn't want to sit by you either. You know, most of the things I said to you WERE true."
Yeah, I guess getting your head out of you're ass is pretty hard when it's as big as yours, bitch.
Whatever.
Now I remember why it was a good thing I didn't go into music. It's so I don't have to deal with bitches like that for the next five years.
[Edit] Test may not be as bad as initially thought. After talking to Jessie, I realized that, since the test was out of 50 multiple choice questions, I couldn't have gotten an odd score, it would have to be even. Therefore, I may actually have an 82. Have to discuss this with the teacher, but I believe I am right. Everything else I'm pissed about, though.
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2006 30 November :: 10.15am
On the verge of the big final speech. I guess I wasn't thinking when I choose my topic (pro-choice) because I realized this morning that most of the people in my class are quite conservative. And, i'm pretty sure I picked it because I found out that another girl is doing pro-life, and I couldn't really sit by and let her do that without putting my two cents worth in, and so here I am, all dressed up and ready to talk about abortion.
I know what some of you are thinking: Baby hater! Murderer! Fetus Killer!
Except, that's the exact reason WHY I'm doing this speech (that, and my teacher allows it). Being Pro-Choice, is NOT being Anti-Life or Pro-Abortion, it just means that I recognize the societal need for abortion in some instances. It doesn't mean that I think every woman should have an abortion.
Well, I think I got that out of my system. I guess I just needed to rant and defend myself a little before I went out there and whatnot.
And the ironic part, is that I'm not even graded on the topic, or the content, but on my delivery and organization.
In other news, the dorm was very loud last night, as I believe there were lesbian fights and perhaps a little wrestling going on. At least, that's what it sounded like at three o'clock this morning.
Michelle
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2006 29 November :: 9.42am
I was late for my computer class today. I woke up about six minutes after it started [why is this starting to be the trend for me? I don't like waking up and shouting 'fuck!' and running out the door].
So i get into class [a huge lecture hall] and I start my way down the aisle and choose the fourth row back [i normall sit in the first row]. The prof notices me, and stops lecturing and says, "you can come and sit down in the front."
I explain, "I had a rough morning."
"It's understandable, my oatmeal was hot this morning. It was rough."
And he continues his lecture.
After class the girl who sits next to me tells me that the professor waited [in a class of 120] five minutes to start class becuase I wasn't there.
I don't think he even knows my name.
College is strange.
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2006 28 November :: 12.49pm
Jenny:
I miss you! We NEED to get together over Christmas break!
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2006 27 November :: 9.59pm
So I slipped and fell this morning while dressing in the dark. Bruise on shoulder, a constant reminder. Sweatshirt smells like it's been locked up all its life. Exam tomorrow. What do I know of Snarl words and Allness? Index cards transformed into flash cards with a few marks that make up words of a transient language. Silence, Social Clocks, Haptics. These words mean something to someone, but not me, not yet. In a few hours sleep will knowingly approach, and the day at an end, and what have a I got? Weary eyes, tuition bills, and words. Words that I will forget after the impending exam, because these words mean something to someone, but not to me, not yet, and not for very long.
Michelle
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2006 26 November :: 8.26pm
Driving home brought so many thoughts into my head. I have an immense fear of those around me dying. That's probably my biggest fear. Some nights I lie in bed and think about things as if someone was dead. What would I do? What would I feel? It always makes me start crying in the end, and I feel like I've committed some sin, as if thinking about that persons death is equated with me wanting them dead. How would I feel if I thought about them dying tonight, and then they did die tomorrow. Then all I'm left with is guilt, and all I have done is lie in bed before sleep overcomes me.
I've been lucky. No one close to me has died. I know it will happen soon enough. I don't wish for it, but the truth is, no matter how much I or anyone else wants to deny it, is that we all secede to death. It's our final end, an end we have little control over. I thought I had control over it once. It had control over me.
My grandparents are old and frail. They act with dignity, but they are slowly realizing death will come soon. They are planning the rest of their life for their death.
Do I plan my life for death? Do any of us? Do we wake up in the morning, watching the sunrise, or falling out of bed, or dreading another monotonous normal day and think of death? Should we? Would that circumvent the reason, whatever that reason may be, why we are living?
If we thought of death everyday, could we enjoy life? Are we meant to enjoy life?
Are we suppose to be "grieveing the sun" on it's final journy to the horizon? Or are we suppose to ignore the inevitable, find some shallow work to busy ourselves with, and only recognize the end when it comes knocking at the door to your [trailer, suburban two story, houseboat, yacht, mansion, cardboard box] home?
I am reminded of death when I look at my grandparents, the leafless trees, the brown grass, and deer splattered along the roadway.
Perhaps we are never meant to come to terms with death, only await it's inevitability. Freedom from our imperfect bodies may be our biggest birthday present. I once thought it was.
Michelle
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