Faith Isn't Faith Until It's All You're Holding On To.

:: 2014 17 February :: 9.27am
:: Mood: pensive

I'm twenty-six and probably buying a house in a few months.

:: 2013 15 September :: 8.47pm
:: Music: Man on Fire-Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros

PhDing and teaching. It involves lots of reading. And grading. Eventually, there will be writing. This year marks my 4th academic publication, and 2014 will hold conference presentations 7-9 at major conferences.

I really hope there will be some semblance of a good job at the end of all of this.

1 Say what?? | Say what??

:: 2013 31 July :: 3.18pm

We move to Indiana in five days. I start my PhD in two and a half weeks.

1 Say what?? | Say what??

:: 2013 21 May :: 11.55pm

Wow. Woohu makes me sicker than FB does. What a shocker. Whaaa Whaa. Keep crying like its sooooooo fucking bad.

4 Say what??<3 | Say what??

:: 2013 18 February :: 2.42am

Sometimes I just start shit with people for no reason. You know, because it's fun.

4 Say what??<3 | Say what??

:: 2013 12 February :: 11.50pm

Funny how some of yall put on such a pretty front over on that there facebook, then come on here and just bitch bitch bitch. If you dont like something about your life, CHANGE IT.

2 Say what??<3 | Say what??

:: 2012 14 September :: 6.49pm
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: Fun: Walking the Dog

I survived getting sick from my students/colleagues until the end of week three. I'll take it.

I'm getting back in the groove. Things seem more like a clusterfuck, but they seem easier.

I'm taking Old English this semester, for no other reason than it's a degree requirement for a linguistics credit. I'd rather take French. With that being said, apparently two hellish years of French have really beefed up my language skills, and it's going quite easily. Perhaps I'll be one of those people who knows like five (useful) languages eventually.

Thesis. Blech. I don't want to talk about it.

Teaching is going well. I get their first drafts of their first paper by Monday at midnight. We're having fun in class, and they're all really good kids. I expect at least a quarter of them will fail the first draft, but the good thing for them about English is that we offer revisions. Lots and lots of revisions.

Other things are going well, but clouding the periphery--union stuff, graduate literary journal, other groups, non-profit work, academic senate/the eboard for that, too, and now I'm enrolled in a teaching academy through the university (only about 15 people university-wide were selected in total).

PhD applications in a few months.

I guess I should go parse some Old English or grade some papers. What else is there to do while being sick on a Friday night?

:: 2012 17 August :: 8.48am
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Fun: Carry On

School starts again in about a week. I'm able to get in my office on Monday (hopefully). I just had a student email me about the syllabus for class. I don't have it done. Prep week doesn't even start until next week, and I don't even officially get paid for my work until the week after that.

Lots of things going on. I'm the president of the Graduate Student Union this year. I'm on staff of our creative writing publication. I'm teaching, taking classes, writing my thesis, and on the board of a non-profit. I'm also probably doing a innovative teaching academy program, and applying to PhD programs. Of course, all of these things are unpaid, and when it's all said and done, I make less than minimum wage. Oh, the joys of higher education.

1 Say what?? | Say what??

:: 2012 14 August :: 2.01am

Hello woohu, how are you?

4 Say what??<3 | Say what??

jes	:: 2012 13 March :: 7.12pm I hate feeling like you've supported people though out their life and circumstances but when you face your own, they have no thoughts other than about themselves. Say what??

jes

:: 2012 6 March :: 9.29pm
:: Mood: crushed

My heart is aching for you!
"Daddy please don't look so sad,momma please don't cry.
Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies.
please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind.
Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind.
You see I'm a special child, I am needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love.
I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night.
Look for the brightest star and know that's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows.
Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose.
When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug,
Don't be sad mommy, that's just me giving your heart a hug.
So daddy don't looks so sad and momma please don't cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies!"

jes	:: 2012 26 February :: 9.29am :: Mood: annoyed So insensitive. Feels like salt is being shoved into my wounds. Say what??

jes	:: 2012 24 February :: 8.56am ughhhhhh shut up! Say what??

jes

:: 2012 23 February :: 5.06pm

It was confirmed today that we lost our baby. Today is a very sad and heart breaking day for Ryan and I. We heal/deal in entirely different ways, which is hard to make sure we're both feeling like we're "coping" and supporting one another, but we're getting through it as best as we know how.

I feel very alone, even though I know I'm not. I don't want to be around people, but yet, I hate feeling alone. I just for myself, to think about and deal with everything, need some worship music, ryan and landon, and time alone.

I really wish people would stop saying, "It's for the best", THE best would have been for me to have my baby, and just because they might not of been healthy doesn't mean I wanted him/her any less, because I STILL want my baby. I know people don't know what to say, and are only trying to help, but it just makes me feel worse. Vacation and leaving the country couldn't have come at any better of a time.

jes

:: 2012 22 February :: 10.58pm

Tomorrow we find out if God decided to answer our prayers, or if it's time to start healing and move on. I'm so back and forth on how I feel. Because I just don't know what's happened. So one minute I'm sad, and pissed off at the world. Then the next, I'm hopeful, praying, even moments where all feels "normal" again, and then they quickly pass. I just feel like this is all still a bad dream, that I just can't wake up from, it feels never ending! I just don't know how this could have happened, why did this happen, how am I EVER suppose to be ok with this? How will I ever make peace with the Lord giving and taking away?? How can I face other people??