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Faith Isn't Faith Until It's All You're Holding On To.

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swimfan14

:: 2005 13 October :: 7.03pm

It's not up to me anymore. If you really want me in your life then you'll find a way to put me there.

Yesterday at lunch everyone said that they can picture me living in Laguna Beach and they can picture me being one of the girls on the show. Then today everyone at lunch said they can imagine me being on sweet sixteen and having my birthday party like that. I sometimes can picture those things too lol. Megan was like "your just an MTV'er" lol.

Anyways I'm in a better mood now. Today I stepped on this boys(im leaving his name out of this little thing) foot while we were walking in the halls and then online he goes:

Ashley-feelings I used to have aren't there and for the first time in so long I really don't care. says:
Umm it was kind of boring. I thought I would get in trouble for my skirt being too short but I didn't lol.

Ashley-feelings I used to have aren't there and for the first time in so long I really don't care. says:
How was yours?

anonymous boy:
well this girl in a skirt stepped on my foot

Ashley-feelings I used to have aren't there and for the first time in so long I really don't care. says:
aww why would she do that ;)

anonymous boy says:
i guess she thinks she isn't a bitch or something

anonymous boy:
lol

anonymous boy:
j/p

Ashley-feelings I used to have aren't there and for the first time in so long I really don't care. says:
lol i'm not a bitch!!

anonymous boy:
j/p your not a bitch your a hottie

Ashley-feelings I used to have aren't there and for the first time in so long I really don't care. says:
lol thanks....


He's so sweet.

<3 ashley




1 Say what?? | Say what??


wierdo

:: 2005 13 October :: 9.37am
:: Music: Def Lepard-when love and hate collide

Well lets see........i haven't been on here in a while.

My weekend was pretty fun. I went to the football game friday night, and then i think....i went home. Saturday i took Becky and Jessie out to dinner for their homecoming dance, so that was pretty......interesting. Then saturday night i was hangin out with a few friends and i stayed the night there. That was a lot of fun too. I got to spend some time with a certain someone. I kinda liked her before hand, but after saturday night it turned into a lot. Hopefully me and her can spend more time together and make something happen. I think we would both be happy with it. I'm hoping that she feels the same way though. Anyways, umm sunday i went home and just sat there and didn't really do anything. I went golfing, and then i went to tyler's house later on that night. But other than that, i work every day and try to make plans to do something when i get done every night.

I finally talked to my mom the other night. It was the first time i talked to her since my birthday back in April. But then again it kinda made me sad. I was hoping to hear some really good reason to why she hasn't called in so long, but her reason was she is too busy. Good to know she is too busy for her two kids. She can't stop for 15 minutes out of her busy days to call her kids that live 2,000 miles away? When her son just graduated from high school, and her daughter just had a baby and got her own apartment. So it was good to talk to her, but just sad to hear her say...."i've just been really busy."

So yeah, but anyways i should probably go now. Somebody give me something to do today and leave me a comment so i can read it. lol

Kevin

1 Say what?? | Say what??


brokenmentality

:: 2005 13 October :: 6.51am

just what i want to wake up to.

every day just keeps getting better and better.

Say what??


jayzulla

:: 2005 12 October :: 11.13pm

FLAME WAR!

1 Say what?? | Say what??


brokenmentality

:: 2005 12 October :: 10.02pm

i'll just set aside how pissed i am for the time being. its not going to do anything any good... and if i open up and say what i REALLY feel.. i'll have to hear how it hurt someones feeling... so yeah, i'll just pretend everythings fine and im ok, because im a fucking doormat.

before i get into homecoming.. i gotta vent. deal with it.

i understand that im short and blonde and tend to smile alot. does that mean that im perfect?! if i flip out on somebody... its like "oh damn, erikas pisssed" WHAT am i not allowed to show some irrational emotion? just because i hide how i feel in school to avoid added drama... doesnt mean i dont HAVE unneccesary drama. if i were to be totally honest with myself and most the people i surround myself with... i wouldnt have many friends. im not judgemental.. i just cant put up with peoples shit very easily. Grow the fuck up. we're seniors for gods sake. im counting the days before i get the hell away from all these people. we grew up together, we'll see eachother at reunions, pretend we were friends "back in the day" and move on with our lives. and i may or may not marry somebody from around here. im certainly not gonna plan on it. im 17 years old. why would i want to be tied down to love and commitment? am i happy with my relationship? yeah, because its a healthy relationship. we dont center our lives around eachother. thats a bit pathetic dont cha think? i seriously wish i could just go up to most every happy person in the hall and slap them and be like what the fuck is wrong with you! the world sucks! *laughs.... god im glad i can find humor when im so PISSED.

first times..... yeah.. unforgettable right.
just like i'll never forget the first time you put a recreation before me, or the first time you hung up on me, or the first time you just left me... because its not like i've never been abanded before right, or the first time you called me a bitch, or the first time i'll go to bed upset with you, or the fact that YOUR first time is with someone else. that ones my favorite. i hate that about you. HATE it. to bad you'll never have to experience that. physically feeling your heart break every time you think about, and at the same time wanting to vomit. maybe thats love, maybe thats what we're waiting for and this is just a preview.

*ahem* Love is never fully being happy, but settling for a great person with just less than what you expected. oh yeah, and throw in the... "its not fair" part and maybe the "drive eachother crazy" part.

i honestly am scared to death that i'll never fall in love with anyone. im to anal about love, im to picky... i know exactly what i want. but it doesnt exist. and that doesnt say anything bad about my relationships or future relationships... it just tells me that its time i take my head out of the clouds and think realistickly.

i dont know. im so irrational sometimes. i dont know why he puts up with my bullshit. tonight hurt... but so did yesterday. it never gets easier. it makes me wish we were in love so at least in my lowest moment i could tell myself "but its ok, because he loves me" and it kills me that i cant... but its not just that. its me too. im not ready for that. like i said... who knows if i'll ever be ready. ive encountered first hand love due to my mom and her divorce. i would rather go to hell then relive the events we suffered through. i honestly think chris was satan. but he didnt start out that way. man he fooled us. i dont want that to happen to me. and i guess im just scared to death that im gonna open myself up, become totally vulnerable to pain... and be fooled.







ok.... i took a break from the last paragraph and went to talk to my mom. she always makes me feel better. but now im just depressed.


im so fucking selfish. and i know that. and i can admit that....

maybe i'll get to homecoming a different day. i'd like to be happy when i update about such a great night.

this is one of those nights where a tiny part of you hopes you never wake up, even though im not suicidal.... eternal sleep just sounds so good sometimes.

4 Say what??<3 | Say what??


anachronism

:: 2005 12 October :: 10.41pm

I don't want you to go anymore.
And that didn't help.

I'm freaking out.
I don't know what can make me not.

It's as if I feel like it's impossible for nothing bad to happen.

I hate this.


swimfan14

:: 2005 12 October :: 8.59pm

Okay, so weird things keep happening to me and it's not just a coincidence anymore.

I will try to tell all of them if I can remember everything.

Oh and these aren't in any special order either.

I already told this story a while ago during the summer but I'll refresh everyones memory.

1) I was in Detriot and I had a dream that Mischa Barton was on the cover of Cosmo Girl. I woke up and I told my cousins friend about it and she said it would be really scary if she was on the cover of the magazine so that day we went to the store and we checked and she wasn't on the cover of it. I went home like a week later and when I walked in my room there sitting on my bed were all my magazines that I get and on the cover of Cosmo Girl was Mischa Barton and she looked exactly like she did in my dream and the reason why she wasn't on the cover in the stores is because that was that months issue and I get them a month early. So I thought that, that was really freaky considering how I'm obsessed with her. So of all people, it was her. I just don't know.

2) A few weeks ago I was at Sam Ballews and I stayed the night at her house because we had pictures the next day and we wanted to get ready together and then before I left I got into a fight with my mom because my phone charger just went missing out of my room and I wrote about this in woohu too. So before I left Sam and I checked my room everywhere and we took everything out of my bag because we were folding stuff to wear for the next day and putting it in there. I am 100% sure it wasn't in there because everything was taken out of it and Sam can confirm this too. So we get to Sam's and she wanted to use my hair krimper thing so I had to take it out of my bag and my phone charger was not in there..so then in the morning I opened my bag and there on top of all my clothes was my phone charger. I have no idea how that happened and Sam was even freaked out.
3) I had a dream a few weeks ago that my best friends parents were going to get divorced and then she called me a week later crying telling me that they were. (Chloe)
4)I went tanning a while ago with Kourtney and Lisa and Lisas car was broke and my tanning lotion was in her glove box so I asked if I could use my sisters because she has the same exact one and my sister said I could so then in the morning when Lisa picked me up she had her car back so now I had my tanning lotion in her glove box and my sisters in my purse and then after school we went to go tanning and I got mine out because I didn't want to use my sisters since I had my own back and then when we got to the tanning place I couldn't find my sisters and I searched Lisa's car everywhere and Kourtney and Lisa couldn't find it and I swear to god I had them both because I remember trying to figure out which one was mine and then when I got home I went into my room it was sitting on my bed..I was like omg.
5) The other day Lisa and I were at Target and we got into her car to leave and then an alarm went off right next to us and then another one right after, and then another one. I don't know what the point of that was or why it happened but I just thought it was weird.
6) The other day at school Lisa goes "omg I just..." and right before she said anything more I was like "got really dizzy" and she started freaking out because thats what she was going to say. So we both got dizzy at the same time. Odd!
7)Oh and yesterday I was talking to Erika Bauer, DeAnna, and Katie about how I never have subs in school and then today I had three of them. Weird!!
8) I had a dream about police officers and it had something to do with Lisa and then she got a ticket for speeding and then also she said shes been seeing a million more cops that normal and the other day we were on the freeway and she was going 85 and then someone passed us and it was dark by the way and were like "wtf why are they going so fast" and it was a cop and he didn't even give her a ticket for speeding..but that was just weird too.


and I know theres a few more things but I just cant think of them right now so I'll add them when I do.


EDIT

okay so more weird things I thought of.

Before I went to the Red Flannel Pageant with Elyse and Em we were talking about who we thought would win I said Sam, Brittany, and Lauren on my first guess. Elyse was suprised when she found out that my guess was true.

Then a while ago I went and seen Flightplan and before we left the person I went with asked me what I thought happened to the girl and I told them exactly what I thought and it turns out thats exactly what happened but I dont want to say it because it will give it away if you haven't seen the movie. Also I don't really remember how many people on the plane there was but I think it was 400 something and only two people on the whole entrire plane knew what happened to the girl and I guessed the two people.

Weird. Then the other day in the car with Lisa she goes "you know what song I really like" and instantly I said "photograph-nickelback"
and that was the song she was going to say. I don't know how these things happen anymore.............

yay mishy im sooo excited for my pictures and whatever your doing with those songs....

6 Say what??<3 | Say what??


jayzulla

:: 2005 12 October :: 7.31am

Brenton: "Oh shit, i just shot an american. Sorry America."
Me: "Nah, thats a Brit."
Brenton: "Where did that piece of shit go."

man, medal of honor is such a good quote producer. well, maybe if you're under mind altering substances.

yay, 2 days off. to bad todays going to be pissed away by sleeping and having to take a fucking exam.

Say what??


swimfan14

:: 2005 11 October :: 9.31pm

Aww..that seriously meant so much to me.

After what I did, and he still forgives me. How cute. Seriously!

Ahh I'm so happy.

End of Story.

4 Say what??<3 | Say what??


swimfan14

:: 2005 11 October :: 5.06pm
:: Mood: Happy

Maybe it's time you looked at yourself & stopped blaming your life on everyone else.

<3 ashley

Say what??


brokenmentality

:: 2005 11 October :: 4.42pm

noo, god im just so fucking mad...... its just a multiple entry type of rage i guess....

what the hell is your problem?

Say what??


brokenmentality

:: 2005 11 October :: 4.39pm

im done with this.

i had a rotten day, and the one thing i was looking forward to taking comfort in cancelled on me.

i could very easily take comfort in something else.

1 Say what?? | Say what??


swimfan14

:: 2005 10 October :: 5.40pm

Here is a picture of just us girls before homecoming. I'll post more later.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

24 Say what??<3 | Say what??


swimfan14

:: 2005 10 October :: 3.23pm

I definately will do it this time.

Only a week though.

2 Say what??<3 | Say what??


jayzulla

:: 2005 10 October :: 7.29am

2 crazy, insane things have happened.

1. we got a kitten (casper)

2. my hair got cut. its now just below my ears. it feels weird...

3 Say what??<3 | Say what??

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