Faith Isn't Faith Until It's All You're Holding On To.

Faith Isn't Faith Until It's All You're Holding On To.

:: 2006 8 February :: 10.44am

Touche to things that make ya go "hmm"
It's funny...it really makes me ponder...

How someone could be such a low-life to weasel their way inbetween our relationship after they hint the slightest disturbance. You were supposed to be my friend.

And to think all the time on New Year's you were just pretending to be my friend. I knew I should have stayed suspicious of your phone call. You know the first major clue? The fact that you had sex with some random guy for and hour and a half after only just meeting him 45 minutes before. Touche to things that make ya go hmm.

It's ok. Because I know what you are to him. He's told me about everything. And even though we may be going through a rough spot in our relationship, I know who he loves. I know who he has feelings for.

12 Say what??<3 | Say what??

swimfan14

:: 2006 7 February :: 10.44pm
:: Mood: TIRED

The Play
Mishy's comment:

Re:, 02-07-06 10:21pm
You did too, I'm very proud of you.

You're on your way.
Remember me when you're famous, and remember the knives stabbing your back if your turn it to the audience hahah :)

Mishy would always tell me that to prevent me from turning my back to the audience and it would always work, so thank you.

I'm sad the play is over just because it was fun while it lasted but i'm also glad it's over because I really am exhausted with the practices and everything. I'm tired. We all did it, it's over and done with. It was awesome tonight. The talent in our class is great. I think everyone did a good job.

I was a lot more scared tonight than last night. I knew a lot of people there so it made me nervous. I seen a lot of people who I haven't seen in a long time so that made me really happy.

There's nothing like that.

I just wanted to let you know that i'm really dissapointed in you.

I have to go to bed. I'm falling asleep here.

4 Say what??<3 | Say what??

swimfan14

:: 2006 6 February :: 9.30pm

The play was awesome. Good job to everyone. We all did wonderful!

I was so scared before my monologue. I kept going over my lines in my head and I would completely forget them. I thought I was going to throw up and I really didn't enjoy how close the audience was. H wanted it to be "personal" and it definitely was personal enough for me when people were not even a foot away from my face. I'm also proud of myself and I never missed a single line. I know I need to talk slower though but I just get so nervous I talk really fast.

Tomorrow is the last night of the play. Thank god. I'm so tired of practicing and staying up late to memorize my lines. I'm happy that it will be over and it was an expierence i'll never forget.

3 Say what??<3 | Say what??

anachronism

:: 2006 6 February :: 9.18pm

THE PLAY.
What an awesome night.

The show went great. I am so proud of everyone. You guys are all amazing, seriously. For the amount of time we had to do this and all the stress we all went through.. I just can't believe we pulled it together. But, we did and I am so happy.

Yeah, I messed up a line. I was completely beating myself up over it. But, ya know what? For having a two page monolgoue and only messing up one line, I should be thankful. And when a few other people sort've messed up like I did, I didn't care and it didn't stick out in my mind. It was just normal and ok, so that helped me a lot. Some people said they noticed, but I picked it up so fast that it didn't matter. Others completely didn't notice, so whatever.

After the show a lady came up to me and told me that my scene made her cry and it was one of her favorites. That made me so happy.

Thanks for all the other compliments as well. Whoever showed up to support me/us: thanks. [Thank you Matt and Jake for coming. It's good to see some old friends]

One more night. I hope I don't mess up that line again, haha.

Oh, and H apologized and said that he was very proud of me. So, that helped.

I am good now. And not to sound full of myself in any way, but I am proud of myself, because from the start I didn't think I could do this. I didn't think I could memorize more than a line. I didn't think I could get up in front of all those people being only a few feet away.

But, I did.

3 Say what??<3 | Say what??

fishyrere

:: 2006 5 February :: 8.31pm

Woohu
coming to this site... it brings up painful memories. theres no reason for them they just are. like this journal is the part of my past that hurts so bad to think about but i don't want to let go. everything about this place is dark and lonely and sad. i mean even the name of my site "have you ever said good bye to a hero?" is depressing. yet time after time i come back reliving everything i've worked so hard to forget: my stupid emo freshman self. there are some memories i just don't want to remember but this site makes me relive them. there are some feelings i've worked so hard to surpress but this site makes me feel them strongly. there are some people who it hurts to remember both physically and emotionally but at this site they come rushing back into my life as if they never left. and i'm back to being emo and stupid and freshman. this site makes me revert. and i don't know if i like that. but i don't know if i'm ready to let go. espcially the people. especially that one person.

~Re~

1 Say what?? | Say what??

swimfan14

:: 2006 5 February :: 5.51pm
:: Mood: Tired/Exhausted
:: Music: Jimmy Eat World-Futures

Spring Hill was definitely amazing.

I don't really know how to explain it. I guess I basically just have a new outlook on everything.

I'm so tired and I feel like my arms are going to fall off. We were supposed to only have 16 girls in our cabin but somehow we ended up with 22 girls so a lot of us had to share beds. My cabin consisited of Brittany, Lisa, Me, Emily S, Dani, Megan, Annalise, Brittani, Lindsey, Janie, Sam, Kendra, Amber, Trisha, Pam, Ari, Erica, and then a few other people but I don't know all their names. It was so much fun in our cabin. I don't think any of us really slept much. Emily and I laughed all night so we kept a lot of people up.

We all went tubing a lot. I mean a lot, a lot. We went last night at midnight and we had 6 girls plus Austin and Bruce and we only had three tubes for all 8 of us. We all had to pile on and I was always on top of everyone because I was the lightest and I thought I was going to fall off and die. Lisa and I both fell off once but I didn't die though. It was a scary thing.

We won broomball again. Exciting? I know.

Ummm i'm trying to think of more stories....oh yeah..last night it was like almost 1am and I was taking a shower and then I came out of the bathroom and Austin, Cory, and Tyler were all standing there and they chased me and everyone got into a snowball fight.

The speaker was amazing. I could relate to almost everything he was saying. He made me laugh and cry basically all at the same time. The whole expierence changed me. I never really thought that going to something for one weekend could do that but, it does.

The band was awesome. Everyone knows why.

I can't really think of anything else right now but it was really awesome and if you didn't go this year then you should go next year. It's worth it, trust me.

I'll post Spring Hill pictures later.

I love you all.

4 Say what??<3 | Say what??

anachronism

:: 2006 5 February :: 6.05pm
:: Music: Cliff Ritchey

Arbitrary!
Something that struck me as interesting was when my group leader from Spring Hill came up to me and told me she was impressed with how well I knew myself. She said that it was awesome, because most girls have no idea and can't answer those kind of questions that fast. And I am going in the right direction. It made me realize how much I really do think and how much I pick myself apart. I was asked what the three things I would change about myself were. I said unmotivation, being too dependent on other people, and how I am always mad about something/can't relax. Another question was what my biggest fear was and I said making the wrong choices. We were also asked what truth was. When you think about that, it's actually extremely hard to answer. I think there's only one kind of truth and those are solid facts. But, the truth we live by isn't always true, because solid truth is lost. People choose their own truths (even though logic is ruled out). Everything is turned into something else. I don't know, it's hard to explain. We talked about other things as well, but I won't bother boring you any longer.

I know none of this matters to you. She just made me see something in myself. I know exactly who I am and that's comforting, because no one else does and I didn't think I knew either.

anachronism

:: 2006 5 February :: 3.40pm
:: Music: Cliff Ritchey

Get dressed.
Spring Hill was awesome. I actually had a lot of fun. I'm glad I went now, because I wasn't excited about it for a long time.

The band, Cliff Ritchey, was amazing. I don't really care for Christian music, but they were really good. And the lead singer (Cliff) is honestly the cutest man I have ever seen in my life. I'm pretty much in love with him, haha. I think I liked him so much, because he looked a lot like young Bob Dylan and his voice even resembled him somewhat. And the guitarist was the hottest Asian I have ever laid eyes on.

Wow. I am such a girl, lol.

Anyway, I'm happy I decided to go. I think I'll go again, but I'd rather go in the summer if I do. I'm not exactly a winter person.

Well, tomorrow night is the first night of our play. Wish us luck.

Time to shower, eat, and sleep.

Edit>> Oh my God. I was just reading Cliff's journal from his website and he talks about Bob Dylan all of the time. Man, I am good. I wish he wasn't married now though, because he's the closest I could ever get to a young Bob Dylan. Hahaha. Awe man...that's pure dissapointment right there.

12 Say what??<3 | Say what??

brokenmentality

:: 2006 5 February :: 11.15am

the rampage game on friday was awesome. my boyfriend is simply the COOLEST ever! *giggles.

after school keegan picked me up and brought me to bobbys because he had to be to van andle by 5... and it was so nice being able to hang out with bobby and talk to him for so long. even though we dont see eachother often.. he's like my big brother. i know he'd be protective of me and he so happy for me and keegan. the best thing about bobby.. is that he's just such a good guy. most guys flirt with girls regardless of who they're dating.. even if it IS their best friend. bobby isnt like that. everything is so comfortable and we talk about me and keegan and its just wonderful!

but anyways.. we got to the game at about 6:30 and before the game started at 7 keegans crew had already been on the field 3 different times! throwing stuff out into the crowd, flippin, doing a little free style... i was THATS MY BOYFRIEND! i mean seriously.. this is HUGE! and theres only 5 of them.. so its not like there's a bunch of people and you have to figure out which one he is. i was so excited i was like a little girl!

they're the rampage's promo team... so they helped with all the activities during time outs and everytime rampage made a touchdown they'd run out on the field with a big rampage flag and do flips and stuff then run off.

then they did their routine in between the 3rd and 4th quarter.. which was awesome because i finally got to see what they've been working on all this time at practices!

the coolest thing i think.. was when the game was over. they brought all these tables out onto the field and the players, rage dancers, and 61syx signed autographs for this 20 minute session. me and bobby just stood back and watched them. how amazing. a year ago they had JUST got together. since then they've improved SO much, they've been doing shows and NOW their signing autographs for little kids and adults.

i just cant get over how incredible huge this is. i had so much fun.. esp because i was with bobby. i just wanted to tell everyone around me everytime they came off the field.. THATS MY BOYFRIEND! I KNOW HIM! lol.

and the BEST thing about the night was that I was the one who got to go home with him. I'M the one who gets to tell him how incredibly proud i am of him and all his accomplishments. I'M the one thinks the world of him and cant possibly see myself without him.

i really think we're one of those power couples. we've got it all. and that is SO great.

Say what??

brokenmentality

:: 2006 2 February :: 9.00pm

i got my swirl dress. its perfect. a little tight (VERY corset-ish) but hell i dont care. it looks really good and its sooo pretty. i figure its my senior year, so as long as i look good and have fun i dont care the price. im so excited for swirl now. we're sticking with the theme.. my dress is yellow and perfect, and keegans going royal blue. and we're going just the two of us which will be nice. i love my girlfriends, but im really looking forward to sharing a special night with my best friend.

yearbook: good lord. what the fuck ever, thats all i have to say. im looking forward to taryn transfering into the class, finally we can have some one who can actually write and who'll get her work done. someone RESPONSIBLE. but i shouldnt get into that topic... i've ranted enough in the past few days.

ani difranco is really becomming spiritually reviving for me. her lyrics speak to me on so many levels.

keegans at his last practice before the rampage tomorrow. im SO excited! ahh!!! AND not only do i get to see them perform and be all cool and be like THATS MY BOYFRIEND to the 8,000 people around me (i love bragging about you!) but i'll be with bobby. i've missed him so much. im going over to bobbys tomorrow around 4:30 so we can hang out before the game. i think thats so cool.. that i can hang out with keegans friends with out him... its because they're my friends too and we LOVE eachother!!! me and his friends that is... laughs*

RAMPAGE!!!! i cant wait.... grrrr. im wearing keegans 61syx shirt and a rampage hat tomorrow to the game... so i can be like.. yeah im with the crew.. giggles* awwww im cute.

im tired.. but im waiting for the office to be on. i love that show.

alright... well that was a pointless entry.

1 Say what?? | Say what??

anachronism

:: 2006 1 February :: 3.12pm

ADVANCED DRAMA PLAY
Feb. 6-7th (That's NEXT Monday and Tuesday, bitches)
$5
Starts at S E V E N ! PM.

Be there or be killed with a square.

[Pass this on, everyone]

1 Say what?? | Say what??

anachronism

:: 2006 31 January :: 5.40pm
:: Music: Damien Rice

I hate MySpace. It sucks.
And so does Xanga.

I don't want to get into why, because if I start this entry could end up being entirely too long.

I love Woohu, because Woohu doesn't suck.

That's all.

Edit>> I can't wait for Swirl now. It's just the girls, and as much as I like having a date, it's usually more fun just hanging out with a buncha crazy girls. And oh my God, the dress I am borrowing is gorgeous. I tried it on and now I am really happy. I love it. It's the first dress I've actually felt pretty in. Like, ever. Oh, I am so excited! :)

11 Say what??<3 | Say what??

swimfan14

:: 2006 31 January :: 5.20pm

I can't stand Ms. Eilola anymore. Yesterday she wouldn't let me take a test because of an un-excused absense which I previously stated and I sort of understand her reaons but, then again I don't. Anyways, that's not my point. My point is that today I asked her if I could make up a differen't test that I also missed while I was out of school with mono and she told me no because it was too late. She can't just tell me I can't take a test. My grade was an A and now it's a C all because of that test I missed. I'm going to talk to Mr. A about it tomorrow I guess. She's dumb, I'm pissed, that's all there is to it.

I don't really have anything of importance to say. I can't believe H actually asked me if I was pregnant. Too bad i'm NOT.

I'm going to the game tonight with Emily, Logan, and Trisha. I have to drive because we all decided we don't want to die with Logan since he almost killed us the other day. He's a bad driver, not as bad as Dani though. You gotta love her.

Say what??

swimfan14

:: 2006 30 January :: 8.16pm

The worst part about being lied to is knowing I wasn't worth the truth. Oh well, whatever.

I've ate so much food today. I went out to lunch with Dani and we went to Arbys. Then when I came home I ate tons of chocolate chip bananna bread. After that I ate popcorn chicken. After that I ate shrimp and french fries from Red Lobster (I went there this weekend). Then after that my dad brought me fettichini alfredo *sp*, key lime shrimp, and oreo cheesecake. So I ate all that too. Haha I eat all the time. Stacy does too haha. I don't understand why i'm not fat. Seriously. I'm not complaining though, I just don't understand.

Ms. Eilola is really getting on my nerves. We have a student teacher so Ms. Eilola isn't even in our classroom and today she was standing outside the classroom like a little spy and she was looking into the little window on the door because when I came out she goes "Ashley, do you value your i-Pod?" and i'm like "yeah I guess" and she goes "well are you allowed to listen to it in school?" and i'm like "yeah, I am" and she got all pissed because I was being a bitch right back and she's like "no your not...next time I see you with that out i'm going to take it away" I was just like "okay haha w/e". So after that I walk away and then Josh comes out and I heard her say "Josh, do you value your cell phone?" I was like c'mon seriously shut up. She just finds ways to make everyones lives miserable, like mine isn't miserable enough!?!?! When she asked me if I valued my i-Pod I should have told her no because I can just buy a new one. That would really piss her off. So then I was pissed about that and our student teacher told me to come in during seminar to make up a test we had on Friday. So I come in and when I get there she tells me i'm not allowed to take it because Ms. Eilola said so. She's like "Ms. Eilola said you're not allowed to take it because you have an unexcused absense for Friday" That's so dumb. So because I wasn't in that class on Friday I get a zero for my test. Um ok. I wasn't really aware things work that way.

It really starts to hurt when I pretend that it doesn't. I try hiding it but I can't pretend it doesn't matter anymore. It does. Everyone can see all the things I don't want them to see. It happens. It's obvious. End of story.

6 Say what??<3 | Say what??

swimfan14

:: 2006 30 January :: 6.04pm

You make me sick. I can never trust you again. Everything I thought was real, turned out to be all a lie.

It doesn't matter what you do, it's what you did thats hurting you. All I needed was the truth, now i'm gone.

Seriously, for all of us, grow up.

2 Say what??<3 | Say what??