No one could see me. I fell into yesterday.

:: 2004 23 July :: 1.26am
:: Mood: okay
:: Music: Rain -Yoko Kanno

Waaaalk.. In the raaaiiin..
Sorry, everyone who has me on their friends list, for all the entries I've made in that little of time! x_X!

I really, really, really want to go somewhere tomorrow.. But I don't want Mom to be lonely. She said I could go, though.. <3

Okay. That's about it for now. Sorry, again! Bye-bye.
-Ash

:: 2004 22 July :: 8.26pm

HASH(0x8ab6d74)
Your soul is OPEN-MINDED. Although you do have
strong opinions and make decisions, you never
make them without thinking first of not only
everything that is, but those that may not be
as well. People trust that you'll willingly
hear them out and understand when they tell you
something, and you are well-liked for it. You
are often the mediator in disputes and your
desire to do what is right overcomes all else.
You are an understanding and admirable soul.

What Is Your Soul's Trait?
brought to you by Quizilla

Yeah...so life...is interesting as usual....alot of things have yet to be discussed with anyone except myself...and are all in my journal..so bear with me.

Ive been driving myself insane all day....burnt myself several times..and almost got myself killed...yeah...let me search this cloud for its silver lining really quickly....found it.....camping trip saturday!!!!!!!!!!!! yay.....too bad kayleen cant come and nicko dosent really want to....oh well their loss...this will be awsome!

Your Heart is Red

What Color is Your Heart?
brought to you by Quizilla

amazingly enough...mine was black the last time i took that quiz.

pink
PINK
woah! You punk dude! In the celebrity world you're
known for you're outrageous moves and
hillarious stunts - you're music is not that
bad either! You don't care about what others
think of you as long as you stay true to
yourself, nothing else matters! I predict that
you'll have many more years of fame to come and
will enjoy most of it - just try and not have
as many divorces!! Good Luck!

What type of celebrity star would you be???? (for all genders)
brought to you by Quizilla

mwahhahahahahah!

2 worthless words | help me

:: 2004 22 July :: 11.10am
:: Mood: peaceful
:: Music: Brahms Intermezzo in A; Op. 118, No. 2

HASH(0x89400a0)
Your soul is OPEN-MINDED. Although you do have
strong opinions and make decisions, you never
make them without thinking first of not only
everything that is, but those that may not be
as well. People trust that you'll willingly
hear them out and understand when they tell you
something, and you are well-liked for it. You
are often the mediator in disputes and your
desire to do what is right overcomes all else.
You are an understanding and admirable soul.

What Is Your Soul's Trait?
brought to you by Quizilla

6 worthless words | help me

:: 2004 22 July :: 5.29am

I haven't slept all night. And I can't sleep all day, or else I won't sleep tonight. It's a lovely cycle that just keeps going.
I'm supposed to meet my ex boyfriend at the library tomorrow. He just called me out of the blue and told me to meet him there, because he has something to tell me. Pfft.

1 worthless word | help me

:: 2004 21 July :: 9.05pm
:: Music: moon baby

Damnit.
So...today was pretty uneventful...hung with mrs.thomas and kimmerly...came home...was lazyy...then emptied 5 wheel barrals of dirt out of the back yard...came inside watch the weekenders and then made dinner....i was experimenting with spices..and now my dad is all pissed off and says my spaggettie sucks....yeah...well my mom and i liked it but hey...its not like it matters.....

So imreaching for something to hold on to.The lack of a stablility in my life is slowly tearing me apart...someone save me.

Or am i origami ,
folded up and just pretend....
i agree with jessika it is a good song.

Myparents have found a new sport..degrading me as much as possible...its so much fun!!!

Im going to keep smiling though...

:: 2004 21 July :: 4.12am

NO MAKEUP BRRRR
I took some new (dark) pictures of my bangs. Well, what you can see of them.Keep in mind, they're not fully styled, and my hair is in a ponytail. =P
Read more..

14 worthless words | help me

:: 2004 21 July :: 3.20am
:: Mood: content
:: Music: She Will Be Loved -Maroon 5

Thus begins the next chapter of my life..
So, after tomorrow, my life shall be different.. Though not very different.

I'm not terribly torn up, nor am I about to break down crying and asking God 'WHY?!'

I'm actually kind of hyper. I feel like going somewhere.. Coffee! That's what I crave. I feel like going to Books A Million with Skye and Laura and everyone.

Ohh, I hope everyone gets to come on Friday or Saturday.. Whichever it is.

I think it's supposed to be.. Skye, Laura, me, Livy, Robert, Julio, and Drew.. I really, -really- hope everyone gets to go. I can't wait to see Liv... even though it's not been very long since she's gone off to college. I miss her already. My Shigure! <3

Most of the time I update Xanga alot, but lately it's been Woohu. I -did- pay my two dollars, after all..

Oh man. I'm kind of nervous about babysitting my cousins tomorrow. I really, really hope they aren't going to drive me crazy and torture me! ;-;.. I know Mom said Leia doesn't listen to Shauna, and she's a little tyrant [Shauna is my cousin, and Leia's her baby girl.] Mom said Leia always copies Leaton.. Please let Leaton be a good little kid! ;-;

Well, he loved me last time I was down there.. I hope he remembers me..

I like this song. -Hums.-

Anyway, that's about it. Skye's pestering me about watching some flash thing.. Looks scary.. Bye-bye!
-Ash

1 worthless word | help me

:: 2004 21 July :: 1.32am

Well, Emily came over last night, and we went to the mall and out to eat and whatnot. Then today we went to Kings Island. Wahoooo.
I cut my bangs. They're not short, really. The shortest point is near the bottom of my ear, and it's cut diagonally with the longest point ending at my jawline. It looks cool if I say so myself. I'll try and take pictures of it soon.

:: 2004 21 July :: 12.02am

Mwahhahahahahahaha.
Ok so i spent the night at roxys last night,we watch secil B Demented and look at her spectrum books...and we were look at this one picture, of a robot. She saw a robot with a cupcake..and i saw it standing next to a belly up fish in a bowl.....then we read the title..."Mr. Bubbles birthday" so we were both depressed and laughing...and roxan is saying " i though it was a happy picture.."...it cracked me up.

So we get up at 1 got to my house at 3 then to the mall ..then to bobs and then i walk home by myself.I get home..argue with parents and then find out i have bunko. I go ...and win! Oh yeah!!!!! I won an Embosser , Music themed rub ons and Quilling paper....yes so im happy..i had 5 bunkos...yeah.

Im amazingly tired today. Then i noticed how some people have been acting latley and things just started clicking in my head...yeah...ive realized somethings.

I have to get up at 8 so i can be to east by 9 and work on our proposel to get telescope time ,on kitt peak ,tomarrow. Kim and i are working with mrs. Thomas..so its been fun.Kimmer still has a thing for Zack...poor misled girl...and yeah...

It bryans 17th B-day today!!!!!Happy B-day bryan!!!

So overall life has been good..im amazed...i miss people from camp though...alot....it was awsome this year..i was amazed.

And all that jazz.

:: 2004 20 July :: 7.12pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: "Black Cadillacs" - Modest Mouse

cleanup from a pseudo-vacation

Disorder Rating
Paranoid: High
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Low
Antisocial: Moderate
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: Moderate
Dependent: Low
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate

-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

Well, as I've stated in the not too far past, my problems have shifted from schyzotypal to paranoid. How lucky.

Moving on. We took my trumpet in to get serviced today. What a great thing, considering the main tuning slide has been oxidized for.... about 4 years. I've needed this... It will help for symphonic band. Also, I've realized I prefer my piano over my instructor's, which is interesting in that she's got a great grand piano, while I have an old upright. Usually the grand wins, but right now I like mine more. I don't know why. Maybe her's is out of tune... it sounded so.
I'm realizing that I'm craving a relationship more than I used to. I think I'm finally getting over my inhibitions to get close to people (by the way, I saw Schylar at Blockbuster last night. She's got two lip piercings now.). And now, I want a relationship... or a really close friend.... which I have many, but most of them are away for the moment.
And I think I should go to one of the BMX races. I haven't been out to the tracks in... forever, so I think it would be a good outing.

4 worthless words | help me

:: 2004 19 July :: 11.36pm
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: "Maybe" -Nerd

Mm.
Wednesday. The funeral is Wednesday at 2 pm. And I'm not going.

I'm staying at my cousin Shauna's house and babysitting her kids and a couple of other kids.

The coffin.. Mom said it was pink.. And my grandmother is wearing a pink dress.. She said she looks like she's asleep. I almost started crying when she was talking about it.

And that's about it.
-Ash

:: 2004 18 July :: 11.17pm
:: Mood: disillusioned
:: Music: The Rasmus

another cruel realization
The people I hang out with have lots of problems. I have a lot of problems. We tend to make good friends, until we get mad about our problems, which seems to be happening with many people right now.

On a brighter side to that was camp. We had a drama session, in which we had improv games, seguing into a story theater about a girl who was raped in childhood who is reading a book (school assignment) about a girl who was raped (slightly redundant premise). Well, after the reading, one of my good friends was absolutely bawling. I was aware that something had gone on with her, in that she's often violent toward any forward males. Well, she was raped by her cousin in her childhood. So, we spent the next half hour or so talking about problems, she about dealing with her life, then me saying that it sucks to know about problems of your friends, simply because you want to share yours as well, but fear that sharing will only make their life harder, which ends up making your burden heavier. It's unfair to keep all the problems inside, it's unfair to only listen and not explain. Then Melinda and I cried together, just because the majority of our lives have been spent putting up these fucking intricate facades to keep the public unaware. Then, Cary shared about caring for her little sister who is autistic, a rather touching story, which explains her a bit more. However, I will still not go out with that girl (not that any of you know/care to know about her). Then Melinda and I did a bit more of tag team encouraging everyone in camp to just be real for the rest of the week. I can't say that it was completely effective, though I noticed some change in people. Really, what I'm looking for in life is not complete harmony, just the acceptance. I know that not everyone is in agreeance on issues, but I'd like to know that they accept that things happen. Somewhat of a nonchalant standpoint to not put any more care in than that, but it's all I'm really asking for, while I don't ask at all. Anyway, this camp has opened a good awareness to me of some of my beliefs/ beliefs of the young church. I'm quite happy with the camp, and it's extremely hard to explain the experience. It was fucking awesome, but not the easiest thing to share without first-person location and such....

So, we're a bunch of dropouts in many different aspects. It's good that we cling to each other, 'cause each one carries something different. A body is not complete without every part. The spirit is only filled by communion.

3 worthless words | help me

:: 2004 18 July :: 11.07pm

She passed away this morning.

:: 2004 18 July :: 8.52pm
:: Mood: sleepy

Tainted love
You are Colombia (Little Nell)
You are Colombia. You rock in that special way only
the squeaky can.

Which Rocky Horror character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
...but i dont squeak.......

So ive been functioning off of 3 hours of sleep....yeah...we went for Aurbys at 3am and didnt get back to parkdale till 4:45...sun was comming up and yeah.Oh and also earlier that night we drove out to power and back in an old transit bus from colorado.

Today had spurs and sadels it was fun.

So the camping trip ....ok...well 2 out of the 5 people i invited arnt comming 1 due to family trip , other due to stuff. So yeah....gwen and jessika are going or plan to...and ashley might not go....bah...it all kinna died...

Once i ran to you,
now i run from you.

2 worthless words | help me

:: 2004 18 July :: 4.20pm
:: Mood: enlightened
:: Music: Romeo + Juliet soundtrack

so I've been gone a while...
Well, for my birthday I went to Perkins (comfort food). I got $80 combined from my grandmothers. Today, since I'm back, I went shopping and bought Romeo + Juliet soundtrack, Dead Letters - The Rasmus, Good News for People Who Love Bad News - Modest Mouse, and Steppenwolf Greatest Hits. Other gifts: boxers, a T-shirt, a new garbage can (the old one broke), a new trumpet case, a new CD book, Chicago soundtrack, Blue Man Group CD, The Beautiful Letdown - Switchfoot, complete set of car keys, and that Twister dance moves game (apparently my family thinks this is a good alternative to DDR, a thought which I'm taking lightly... I assume I'll use the thing at some point).
Camp was amazingly good this year. I will probably give a description later, but I don't want to be on the computer much longer. It's nice to be back, but I'm missing a lot of people from camp already.

7 worthless words | help me

:: 2004 18 July :: 12.44am
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: "Confessions Pt. 2" - Usher

Cut My Star
This has been one of the best days I've had in a while.
First of all, I made $70 off the garage sale. I put $20 back for that DSA shirt though.
So my mom took me out to dinner to O'Charleys, and then we went to Best Buy.
I got the new Usher CD (love it <_<) and the Cure's Greatest Hits. Wahooo.
Then we went to Barnes and Noble, where I got two books and we got some STARBUCKS. <3333
Finally, we went to see Mean Girls at the Dollar Theatre. It was even better the second time I saw it. Hope you all had as good a night as I did.

3 worthless words | help me

:: 2004 17 July :: 9.50pm

A.. "Hospital"
At the hospital.. Everyone is like one, big family.

Listening to each other.
Comforting each other.
Talking to each other.

.. Even gossiping.

There was a kid.. He was 18. He was in a car crash. He fell asleep at the wheel. His friend grabbed the steering wheel when he fell asleep, but the guy had his foot on the gas. It flipped a few times. The friend had his seat belt on.. Few cuts, few bruises.. Left the hospital the same day. The kid at the wheel.. He severed his brain stem or something.. The doctors declared him braindead. His mother had decided to donate his organs. She was writing his obituary when the doctors un-declared him braindead.. Because there was one little drop of blood circulating.. They had to sedate her.. She was freaking out.. Mom said a few nights ago.. There were anywhere from 30-60 people there for that kid.. His friends.. They told them to come say their good-bye's..

When they donate their organs.. They have someone there.. Holding their hand.. And talking to them, softly.. Even though they're braindead..

God, it scares me.

Everyone was there for each other. Even the people who didn't know each other.

... But...

I didn't really feel depressed because of my Grandma. She still doesn't know who anyone is, I don't think. Ergh. Why can't I feel depressed about it? The thing that depressed me the most was leaving my Mom there. I miss her. And I missed Nibbles. When I got home today, she was hoarse from whining and howling all night. She sounded kind of like a squeaky toy. I hugged her, and cried. I guess that was my emotions coming out. From missing the dog. And my Mom. I went into my room and fell on the floor crying.. Maybe I was crying for my grandma as well, somewhere in there..

Please pray for my family, and my grandma especially.
--
Bye.
-Ash

:: 2004 17 July :: 9.39pm

Lyrics I Heard On The Radio.. Mean Something.
Seether - 'Broken'

I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph; I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

�Cause I�m broken when I�m open
And I don�t feel like I am strong enough
�Cause I�m broken when I�m lonesome
And I don�t feel light when you�re gone away

The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There�s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

�Cause I�m broken when I�m open
And I don�t feel like I am strong enough
�Cause I�m broken when I�m lonesome
And I don�t feel right when you�re gone away

�Cause I�m broken when I�m open
And I don�t feel like I am strong enough
�Cause I�m broken when I�m lonesome
And I don�t feel light when you�re gone away

Britney Spears - "Everytime"

Come notice me
And take my hand
So why are we
Strangers when
Our love is strong
Why carry on without me?

And everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, it's haunting me
I guess I need you baby

I make believe
That you are here
It's the only way
I see clear
What have I done
You seem to move on easy

And everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you baby

I may have made it rain
Please forgive me
My weakness caused you pain
And this song is my sorry

Ohhhh

At night I pray
That soon your face
Will fade away

And everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you baby

After all...
After all...

There are, maybe, two songs of Britney's that I really like.

And in case anyone couldn't decipher my last entry.. She's still alive. On dialysis. For her kidneys. She's doing.. okay.. I guess..

.. Next post.. In five.. four.. three.. two..

:: 2004 17 July :: 9.29pm

I said I didn't want to see her.

And it still hasn't hit me.

:: 2004 17 July :: 8.48pm

Friday -
/-/Got home
/-/Went to Texarkana.

Saturday- .
/-/Got home.

I don't want to stay with a friend this week.

I'll stay home.

Alone.

:: 2004 17 July :: 5.02pm

Wahooooo I finally got my Peppermint Creeps shirt. It's so beautiful. Hot pink and black <3333

I'm going to conduct the first ever shirt-human marriage. You're all invited.

4 worthless words | help me

:: 2004 15 July :: 6.38pm

Well the garage sale is officially over. For today. Urg.
I haven't eaten anything all day.
And I am contemplating shirts. Which one?
Read more..

I think I like Shirt B better. Arg.

5 worthless words | help me

:: 2004 15 July :: 5.33pm
:: Mood: enthralled
:: Music: I wanna rock and roll all night and party everyday

Camp
Camp was awsome...kids were awsome...everything was awsome....life is awsome....and i think i died last night because yeah.Ok first day,sunday, we go up to the gaurd and spent the day there then took a bus to the camp...next day free time and activities and water fights..plus campfire plus our cabin got latrine dutybah....the second day was the same except we got first in cleanest cabin=no latrine duty...then wednesday had a helocopter come and these cool people and also a motivational speaker,then an auction...THEN the dance....which started at 7....and the first game we played was Drop the broom then we had a bunch of slow songs and yeah...but the high light of the entire thing was that the guy ive had a crush on for 2 years asked me to slow dance and then we dance together for the rest of the night!!!!!!!!!!!!AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!To top it all off there was this really pretty blond whop also liked him but he completly blew her off and yay!Oh and yeah so he isnt one of those like super hot guys hes a cutie and yeah and im very giddy and the like so.....omg but i was completly caught off gaurd...i mean we were flirting and the like but i didnt think he liked me like he said he did....lots of talking went on...and yeah and....oooomg...yes i am a freak so sue me.

Oh and i got 2 awards 1. You make a difference award and 2. Reliability award.