What the problem is?
Things I want to get off my chest. See below. Ive pulled my pockets inside out and I feel weird. I feel relief, but why? I didnt get what I wanted to get out of the conversation. In lieu of an answer Ive been set upon by gesticulate poses and indifference. Where does it leave me?
Ill tell you where it leaves me. It leaves me here. Contemplating the shit stain of a life I lead. It leads me here, to expose my wounds for further lashings. I leads to the state I was in but no more than a few days ago.
Unable to sleep any worthy duration of time and completely unfocused on tasks at hand. Chiefly among which is driving. I shouldnt be left in a car alone at night. It leads to bad moments 'upstairs'.
I can only imagine what someone else might gleam from reading this psychotic babble that i type with my fingers without even looking. I spew forth these words and know that it helps. But it can also hurt! Hurt someone i want to not hurt.
I told myself after last time i wouldnt go near situations like this. I tripped up a few years ago, got handed some good fortune by not being reciprocated. Here I am though, ready for more trouble. Ready to be socked in the face. I dont really know if this makes me resilient or just stupid.
FUCK! Oh no, not about this situation. I sneezed...all over the keyboard. I hate that. Just like I hate this troublesome situation I continue to find myself in.
Im circling the drain knowing that Im unable to even bother trying to just jump ship and go down the drain faster than the flow would like.
Ill continue later, but why I dont know Ill just spew forth more of this nonsense off the cuff raw brain ...junk?
Sprawled in the cushioned whirl of pillows and sheets, I wonder if I'll ever get far enough away from this city, and it's poisonous orange glow, to see the starry sky again.
But the constant contrast of silhouettes against the ever illuminated night is more than charming...
I go from an awkward time with this lesbian ordeal where she actually told me she felt confused for awhile into another wonderful thought moment,'
Fuck me. I hate my brain.
If she isnt going to give into having a real relationship and title it properly Im going to get increasingly irate over time. Why do I want a title? Why do you think? I want her. Im insecure and I like titles. I enjoy that tiny amount of ownership it offers me. That comforts me.
If she meets someone else while doing this "Im happy, lets just keep it how it is." She WILL more than likely lose me as a friend and as someone who lo..likes her.
Im on the verge of trying to turn my life around...AGAIN. I cant put my love life on hold for her while she figures herself out with this lesbian bullshit and college guys. I need someone(now) and Id like that someone to be her, but if she wont give me what I need then I will be unable to keep up a strong face.
If she reads this then I hope she understands. Small victories mean miles of happiness.
::
2011 11 September :: 9.12pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Scott Butler (i need to get a hold of him....)
Fuckin' Fall!
it's getting to be that time of year. we're not quite there yet, but getting steadily closer. it's cooling off. the kiddies are back in school. hell, the trees were starting to turn colors when i went up north last weekend.
it's coming, people. and there's not a damn thing you can do to stop it.
every year, when it gets to be about this time, i get... weird. well... even weirder than normal. but i like it, okay? this is probably my favorite time of year, and a large part of that is because it makes me feel this way. i'm not entirely convinced i'm alone in this, either. i mean, i seem to recall posting this spring about how i'd seen all these people breaking up because the weather was turning nice, and it was time to go out and play the field for the summer. and now that things are winding down, everyone's looking to snatch up somebody (or has already... they've had all bleeding summer) to hunker down with and spend the winter months together. i could be imagining all of this, and probably am, but it seems like an interesting theory, just in the nature of humans.
as fixated as i am on this possible phenomenon (if it is in fact more than in my head), i'm not sure that it applies to me. i'm in a constant state of oscillation between looking for someone to hunker down with, and looking for nothing but my own satisfaction (which would invariably be complicated by involving another person). this inability to settle on one option or the other primarily causes me to want to beat my head against a brick wall. which, in all actuality, would probably be about as productive as the running in circles i usually wind up doing.
but fall makes it different. it's more intense. the smells. the sounds. the way the air feels. it all means that it's time for introspection and reflection. soaking up nature, and all of the bounties of harvest time. quiet time alone to think about shit. lots of shit. to think about. i get nostalgic. i have ridiculous romanticized fantasies for the future. but they're all hypotheticals. because i like the subtle ache of watching everyone else be happy together. i was never a part of their happiness. even if i pretended awhile. but theirs isn't what makes me happy. i'm happy alone in my head. it's where i spent the first 7 years of my life. and all the bullshit of this world that i've encountered since has succeeded in doing nothing but confuse and depress me. why can't i go back and just think on things, and feel the ache, and have people leave me alone.
but the rest of the world won't let me do that. i guess that's why they say i get weird this time of year. because, to them, it is weird. sucks to be them. i like it this way. it's the way my brain was designed to be. if that's not good enough for you, then go suck a bag of dicks. because that's as good as it's ever going to be.
internet memes and why i don't understand them
apparently we have a rapist?
i'll take the rapist for $200, Alex.
you should hide yo:
a. Kids
b. Wife
c. Husband
d. All of the above
maybe someday the world will make more sense to me. in the meantime, i'm just doing my best to enjoy the ride and not fuck shit up too badly. which i seem prone to doing at times.
i may be an idiot, but at least i'm not from the projects?
