Most days it feels like its the same ole' crappy song on repeat.
Doesn't matter how hard I try to repatch, cope, or ignore the issues, they don't go away, for good.
She doesn't see the hurt she causes.
I am starting to think she is incapable of feeling anything.
Which would be making excuses for her, and that is the last thing I want to do.
But with her, I never get to do what I want.
Lets face it, she makes me feel quilty, and I cave.
I can tell her how it is, be a royal bitch to her, and she still makes me feel guilty.
Why?
Why does she always turn it back on me?
Will she ever stop?
I'd cut ties with her, but would that really do any good, for anyone?
I don't care about hurting her, or myself.
It's the rest of my family I am worried about.
I can't stop asking myself what we did to deserve this.
Growing up the way we did.
Not everything was bad, but not everything was good thats for sure.
Each one of us had to witness different things, and as time went on, they got worse.
She drank more.
And more.
The fighting was worse between her and Jim, than it ever was with my dad.
At least, thats the way it seems to me.
Even though I was 11 when my parents split, a lot of the memories of them being together is a blur.
Not because they are bad, or I am trying to repress them, it's because I do not remember.
I vaguely remember when my parents were happy.
When I was at the age where I would be able to remember, it was probably just a show anyway.
There are bad moments that I do remember, but I feel like they are a dream.
I wish they were a dream.
I wish the drinking would stop, the drugs, the promiscuity.
All of it. I wish she would realize what she has before she loses it, again.
I know that I shouldn't care as much as I do, because I moved out.
I left and moved on with my life.
I want her to be a normal mom.
I want her to actually care.
Not ignore her kids because she just doesn't want to talk to anyone.
It's pathetic.
21st birfday is 12 days away. Thinking Mongolian Barbeque for dinner at 7 and then Taphouse. Who knows after that. I am inviting you all. Let me know if you would like to come.
Don't ever visit ZOMBIELAND. This is what you turn into...
Portraits.
I love taking pictures of people. Not because of the photos I get or what I capture, but because of how the models react when they see themselves. Hearing things about how they've never seen themselves that way or how they feel attractive. How it's the first time they've actually liked how they looked in photos. Or how they never thought they could model, but now they do, etc. I love it. I love making people feel good about themselves and have something they want to show off and feel proud about. People often ask me why I like taking photos of people so much and why I don't really take photos of other things often. Well buildings, trees, and animals, as great as they are, don't react quite the same way. Taking a photo of them won't make them happy or feel good, they'll just be. I like helping people realize their beauty and in the process feel good about themselves.
Plans.
These last few weeks I've felt rather apprehensive. This year of my life has been so amazing and honestly the best year of my life. I'm not sure why exactly, nothing outstanding has happened. It's just.. I don't know. I've felt stronger and more in control and actually happy. Maybe it was leaving Australia and, really, going there in the first place. I gained a lot of independence leaving here and then there. I think it's also being single. I had a little drama here and there and definitely a few distractions and hardcore crushes, but no one really wants to put any effort into a rolling stone, which in the end really only paid off. I think most of it is seeing that I can actually be happy. I struggled with that a lot when I was young, because I was naive and well, young. And even when I experienced happiness it was always due to a relationship or for only instances. Depending on being sought after to be happy. I finally learned how to do that on my own and though one day I'd love to be in a relationship again, and I obviously will be, it's nice to know there's more to life and I can actually see that. It's important to learn how to be happy with yourself. I'm not sure how I did it, maybe because I had no choice, but I gained so much more confidence and learned who I was and what I truly cared about. I've never really felt comfortable in my own skin, probably due to those around me, but I can finally look in the mirror and like what I see. I can finally appreciate my body and say even though in some peoples eyes I'm not a "real woman" and I don't have some huge chest I actually love my body. I never thought I'd get to a point where I could say I liked my chest and I actually do. I even am to the point where I wouldn't want a big chest even if I had the choice. That may seem odd and it may also seem odd that I am even talking about this, but for a girl, from a girls point of view, that's a huge thing and somewhere I never thought I'd get. I don't think I'm the prettiest girl on the planet and I still see those around me who would put me to shame, but I've come to realize if everyone was "perfect" that just wouldn't be exciting or real and I'm a fan of reality I suppose.
So, back to the reason I'm feeling apprehensive! It's like as soon as things were right and I truly settled into something good it's time for me to go. It's like I don't want to say goodbye to this. I finally love and understand my family, I have actual, real friends that aren't like the people who are still stuck in High School, Grand Rapids seems to be really opening up and there's so much to do around here finally, and my Photography is really bringing in a lot of money and I've learned A LOT within the past month even. So it's like I am walking away from things I've worked hard to build or things that fell into place, but at the same time I know it's time for me to move onto something else. Something more gratifying, life changing, and growing. I've talked to a lot of people who have served and I've heard the same thing from all of them. They say it's really hard, you'll want to go home, you'll struggle a lot, but in the end it's one of the most amazing experiences ever and they are glad they persevered. I can't say I am exactly ready for it or prepared, and more than likely I'm going to be knocked on my ass, but I am ready to stick it through and stay along for the ride. If I settled into my life now I can't imagine how I would feel looking back wondering what different experiences I could have had. I don't want what most people want and I can't imagine living like those around me. So, in my eyes, I have no choice. And having no choice has never seemed so right.
Once I've served I'd like to get into an overseas program. I suppose I am a bit open to anything right now though. I think I'll get some opportunities once I am in CA and more options will be thrown at me so when people ask me what my plan is... well, it doesn't exist. How can I make a plan when I haven't lived the next year of my life yet? How can I know what I want or what I'll learn about? As far as I'm concerned college, careers, families, relationships, and plans can find some other poor sap to latch onto it. My plan is to live and find out on the way.
Worked today. This guy came in who is 86 I believe he said and he was telling me stories about WW2. It was, interesting. He had said that his plane got shot down and they were on a life raft for almost 72 hours before someone found them. But, then he had to leave. I will have to wait til next month to hear more.
Anyways, after work Sammy and I went to Halloween USA, then we went to the mall. After the mall we visited my dad. Then we went to Applebees where we met up with Dan and Jake. Pretty fun night.
Now, I am off to watch Airplane. The, "don't call me Shirley" edition.
Tonight was, without a doubt, one of the best nights ever. Clutch was AMAZING. I was able to get some pretty sweet pictures. I will get to posting those after I sleep.
Well its been forever since I updated this, mostly because am mainly on facebook all the time. Well I finally moved into my house, got alot fixed up already. Just waiting for the governement to send me my money so I can get my floors done. I will be so happy when there done. But I love having the house, defintely was a good investment. I got a interview on tuesday for buttorworth hospital, which is awesome. I've been trying for years to get in there, so that would be awsome if I got that. Anyone know how to sell stuff on craigs list. I have a brand new water softner and my inspector guy told me to put it on there and I would prly get a decent amount. Well school is going good, hopefully graduating next winter with my LPN. Then one more year for my RN, but I might take a year off in between. We will see how sick I am of school at that point. Other then that its just been the normal partying, working, and hanging out.
