Farmville stuff
SammyxScene (10:41:54 PM): courtany is a fucking 29
SammyxScene (10:41:55 PM): what a bitch
goarmychick49319 (10:41:58 PM): haha
SammyxScene (10:42:05 PM): im going to shit on her porch
goarmychick49319 (10:42:17 PM): I have the same porch...
SammyxScene (10:42:22 PM): oh
SammyxScene (10:42:23 PM): shit
1. Organize before they rise!
2. They feel no fear, why should you?
3. Use your head: cut off theirs.
4. Blades don’t need reloading.
5. Ideal protection = tight clothes, short hair.
6. Get up the staircase, then destroy it.
7. Get out of the car, get onto the bike.
8. Keep moving, keep low, keep quiet, keep alert!
9. No place is safe, only safer.
10. The zombie may be gone, but the threat lives on.
To start off a lovely afternoon at Sally's, I ended up with a staple in my finger. You can see right where the staple stopped. I had to slowly take it out as my eyes started watering. Later on in the day, I had to argue with a customer about returning hair accessories and how why we aren't able to bring them back. Did you know you can argue over that for 5 minutes? Really, it should have been less than a minute with no arguing.
You're radicle;radical.
I don't believe in God, Heaven, Hell, angels, or even a higher power. I don't believe in soul mates, love at first sight, or "all you need is love." Nor do I believe "everything happens for a reason" or faith. But I do believe in timing. I think everything comes down to timing. And sometimes time is the most stubborn, slow, selfish thing. I don't have the best timing or even good timing really. My timing...fucking sucks and I'm trying to be patient, but I can clearly say patience has never been one of my strong suits. I've become restless and though I don't believe in things happening for a reason it seems as though nothing's working out due to no faults of my own. I'm not doing anything differently, I'll admit I'm not being active, but I've never really had to chase something so hard or been shut down so quickly. I'm not sure if it's because the universe just knows it's not right and though my heart feels torn everything else knows I'll make it through it and it's all shallow anyway. I know it may seem odd to say things like that since I previously stated I don't believe in much of anything, but I do believe in energies. I think not acknowledging the world and the way it somehow works together is silly. The nature of animals, human nature, nature itself.. we're all connected in this beautifully harmonious way and ignoring that would be far too ignorant.
I don't think everything is just a coincidence. I think it's all very intricate and everyone and everything observes and adapts in the most breath taking ways.
When you talk about a tumbleweed most people see it as something only found in old western movies or in deserts and if seen it's still thought of as simply weeds intertwined blowing across the land. Nothing too exciting. But when you really think about it's not just weeds blowing in the wind at all. It has broken free to live it's own life. It's doing a job, it's in charge of it's own existence, it's spreading itself everywhere it goes. It's traveling and in a sense doing what it's meant to do and then dying. I'm not trying to reach here or seem all deep, but I think of humans as tumble weeds in a way. From afar people are just interesting or something new. And once you get closer you start to learn and you see their purpose and learn their goals. They're not just traveling from place to place to gain new ground. They have a duty and a purpose and once they do what they need to do they die. But then to say we're all tumbleweeds isn't quite correct. I think some of us never become aerial. Some of us are primary's or lateral's. You implant, you absorb, and anchor yourself somewhere where you can get what you need. All the while never really seeing anything more than what's around you. You don't bother to travel great distances, you don't choose to interact with those around you, you pretty much keep to yourself and do what's best for you. You grow, you collect, you become stronger, but as far as changing into something else it just doesn't happen.
I also like to think of human sex much like insect sexual cannibalism. I know that may seem laughable and the female role is often reversed when it comes to humans, but I think comparing the two isn't so high of a leap. We lure them in, we take what we want, and in the end one of us dies. I know, I know.. a bit of a hyperbole, but taking it as a loose comparison you may be able to make a connection.
I could go on and on, but I suppose my main point is that we, the earth, are more in sync than we think. We're not so different from the miniscule or colossal things around us whether we're talking about how gears turn to make a machine operate, how a building is built to stand and hold, how animals prey and are predators, how plants grow and die.. comparing us isn't odd at all.
We're more alike than we think and than we'll ever know.
There is reason. On this earth, all around us. We're all constantly colliding in ways we sometimes don't even notice.
::
2009 18 September :: 6.38am
:: Music: Manchester
I wanted to say I'm sorry, though the words I said don't lack truth. But truth isn't always permission to say whatever you feel. We all need a censor and for some reason mine wasn't sensing a damn thing. I like to think I'm in control and I keep myself in check. I didn't. I failed. I spoke when it wasn't my job to speak. I judged when it wasn't my place to judge. I became engrossed when there were no reasons (other than shallow ones) to do so. And, for that, I am sorry.
I don't expect any sort of forgiveness, acceptance, or even acknowledgment nor do I want that. I just feel at this point in my life there are things I have to let go of and anger that has to shed and if I'm going to do that it's time to move on entirely and get my thoughts somewhere other than just my mind. Even if every one else feels the same before or after my words, it may be selfish, but it helps me.
I don't hate you. I never could. Whether we're ever friends or even like each other, or have to simply tolerate each other, I won't do any of that with spite.
We just exist together and sometimes our existence will collide and all I'd really want is some sort of comfort when that happens rather arrogance or hate.
I'm rambling. Basically, a lot of what I did was out of line and though there's still anger inside of me it's time to let go so I am.
I hope you can too. If not, that's also ok. I'm not asking for anything.
Also, congratulations. I'm truly happy for you. I knew you wanted this really bad and ask anyone; throughout this entire 'ending our friendship' thing I always said I really wished you'd get in, because you really wanted to.
Some facebook get to know me crap. Now you know.
Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. Plus, the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you. (To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people, then click publish.)
1. I love war history. I love learning about war. I love reading books about war. I love watching movies about war. We are talking WW1, WW2, Vietnam, Civil War. Any war. I love learning military strategies, what happened, how it happened.
2. I DO NOT like Cool Ranch Doritos. Sick.
3. Until 2nd grade, I lived in Ludington. Moved to Belmont and lived there until 6th grade. Finished school in Cedar Springs.
4. I have never been the one to do my hair and make up when I was younger, now, I work at Sally Beauty Supply.
5. I have blue eyes with a brown streak in my left eye.
6. My favorite time of the year is fall.
7. I collect elephants. I have over 50.
8. My favorite band when I was younger was N*SYNC.
9. I am going to be 21 years old next month and I still sleep with a stuffed animal. A stuffed elephant named OEO.
10. I would love to finish cosmetology school or go to school for war history.
11. I used to play the bass clarinet in middle and high school.
12. I hate those nextel phones with the walkie-talkie feature that you can silence and no one has figured this out yet.
13. My dream car is a Shelby GT 500.
14. I love music. Music is my life.
15. If I could bring back any body from the dead to have a conversation with, it would be Jimi Hendrix and Jim Morrison.
16. I told myself I would never play Farmville. Guess who's playing?
17. I have a huge celebrity crush on Neil Fallon from Clutch. I love his beard.
18. The above brings me to 18. I am also a fan of Neil Fallon's beard on myspace.
19. I own Mein Kampf and have read some of it.
20. The only book I live by is the Zombie Survival Guide.
21. I have eaten breakfast with Free Beer and Hot Wings.
22. I have 10 piercings. 9 altogether in my ears and one in my nose.
23. I have one tattoo. It's a letter B.
24. When I sit in the back seat of a car, I have to sit behind the passenger. If I don't, I tend to freak out.
Growing up or being an adult has always been an odd concept to me. I often wonder what exactly says you've grown up. What is the point you become an adult? Sometimes I've thought maybe age, but I don't think that's it. I've met plenty of twenty-thirty year olds who still don't "act their age." But then, what exactly does acting your age mean? I'm not quite sure. Are the experiences what determine if you're an adult? I know in some ways I've felt more grown up, but in others I still feel like a child. And I can't help but wonder when I'll feel like an adult. Does it just happen without even realizing it and then one day you're like, wow.. I'm really grown up. Is it having your own house? Or even simpler paying your own bills? Getting married? Having a child? Finding a career? Getting a degree? But then when I think of Red Flannel Day and how I'll be "visiting where I grew up" and "where I used to go to school" it starts to connect for me. When you can say you're going back to something, in the past, I think you're on your way to the rest of your life. Past High School and those relationships and those ideals. It's something new. So I think in a lot of ways I am growing up or an adult, but do I feel any clearer about my life? No. Do I act all mature and proper? No. Am I in a long term committed relationship? No. Do I have any real assets of value? No. But I suppose the actual question is if I care. And right now I just don't. I'm happy not to be in High School anymore, or in Cedar, or living with my parents, but I'm happier knowing feeling like a child, sometimes, isn't over yet. I don't want to lose that and I fear if I settle into anything I may. And maybe that's ok, maybe there's more to life than excitement and newness, but for now all I want is new. And change. And to keep growing, but not in such large leaps that I've forgotten what it's like to be where and who I am now. I've got a lot of work to do and I think in this next year I'm going to do more growing than I can even fathom. When I left for Australia I wasn't exactly prepared to grow in the ways I did. I let go of a lot of anger. I started to love and value my family. I learned who my true friends are, but most importantly my passions for life became so clear and evident that those around me felt like I changed who I was over night and on such an extreme level. Maybe it's not apparent to most, but my heart grew and what I cared about changed, and my emotions started to curl and attach themselves so strongly to what I was learning to love. I cried, A LOT, that year. Maybe it was out of frustration, maybe it was out of missing, maybe it was because I felt alone in a house full of people, but I really think it was due to shedding my skin and forming a new layer that no one else could feel. It's hard to describe, but when faced with something so great and out of your grasp, the overwhelming feeling of having no control almost frees and cages you at the same time. I don't really know what I'm saying or what the point of this is, it's just to say I'm moving on from a lot, I've learned a lot, I've had the best Summer I've ever had in my life, and I think that's the way to end one part of my life and lead onto the next. Because though this Summer has been amazing and pretty close to drama free, in the last few weeks-months I've gone through a lot, alone, and my ego's been bruised so much to the point where I've wondered how I'm not crying myself to sleep some nights. I've had a lot of time to reflect and wonder and I won't get into it, but in one aspect of my life I feel so prepared and ready and giving and all that's left to do is wait. So, I wait and I wonder and I'm not sure how much longer til I feel myself break in a way.
I'm leaving soon and as it gets closer that anxious, scared feeling starts to create knots in my stomach. Every time I leave I get the same feeling of independence. Like a moment to say "this is it" and before I know it I'm on new ground. This time it's not as interesting as a new country with new accents, words, and foods I've never heard of, but it's going to be something equally or greater to learn from.
In a lot of ways I'm ready to say goodbye to this part of my life and in other ways I've never felt so hesitant, either way though I think it's needed and whether I'm ready or not, here I go.
