:: 2011 13 January :: 10.01 pm

you'll never realize it but you are killing me

Open your eyes

:: 2011 12 January :: 1.04 pm

If I could wish any wish, it would be that my "friends" appreciated me more. I put that in quotes because there are people that I have deemed to be my friends and over the past few years it becomes more and more evident that maybe what I feel and how I see in the 'friendly' relationship isn't the same both ways.

I try to do anything and I am blown off. Idk, maybe we are just on totally different wavelengths or something. I am just sick of this dull ache that I feel because maybe I care more, or I just keep lying to myself that there was ever any relationship there what-so-ever.

I know this is my safe place, and I want to hash this all out in words, but Idk if I have it in me right now. Mike is def. right though... too much heart. I feel bad for the grinch, I was shut off like him too once... and then your heart grows and re-opens and you get hurt all over again, and that pain is even worse. idk anymore. none of it fits together or makes sense, except that is the explanation for the worst.

Open your eyes

:: 2011 11 January :: 12.06 pm

hello world... what movie do i want to watch today?

Thanks Liz for introducing me to Avatar. I am really wanting to watch it on my big tv now... guess I'll need to order it on Netflix.

clean, launder, eat. not necessarily in that order. this this the agenda for today.

1 find grace | Open your eyes

:: 2011 7 January :: 10.21 pm

so apparently I'm a worthless piece of shit and my husband deserves better. So glad that I try to be friends with his friend and get this in return.

I wonder why it is that I pretty well hate everybody and don't like meeting new people or making new friends.

Damn arrogant virgos. up until last month he did less than all that I am being accused of.
brushin' my shoulders off, never marry a country boy (unless you want to be susie homemaker with no life for yourself). keep that on record if your single. Once you do anything for a guy they will never want to do it for themselves again. remember that too.

Open your eyes

:: 2011 5 January :: 11.21 am

gotta love classes that are truly a waste of time.
ah well, at least it is a fitness refresher... as long as it doesn't continue to make me fall apart we should be good.

day 1 strained shins
day 1 1/2-2 sore knee

no class tomorrow through next monday, so hopefully no more damage.

Open your eyes

:: 2011 3 January :: 2.32 pm

mike just gave me mail that i got from a teacher... it made my day worse, if that is possible.

please don't mind me crawling in a hole to die now. i def feel ashamed and disgusted that my teacher should have failed me because of how far behind i got but she still passed me.
i guess it was nice, but honestly now i feel like a worthless sack(again). not that he cares about any of the correlation to why my grades were soooooo horrible. it kills me, it really does.

thanks for waking me up to give me mail and making me feel like total shit. i will be spending the rest of the day in bed crying now. thanks.

Open your eyes

:: 2011 2 January :: 2.23 am

So, I don't really believe in New Years Resolutions considering the change from year to year is really just another day, just like any other over commercialized day. This year however, I have resolved that I will run at least 5k, (I am supposed to run like a half marathon... but we'll see how the 5k goes first.) I am enacting operation marshmallow and untoasted marshmallow to fulfill my goals for the next few months.
My head unfortunately is not all together and I feel lacking but I am the only one who can make my goals happen. So, the plan is as follows:
1. I would like to lose at least 25lbs by my birthday and be back in the 160 range by next Thanksgiving/ Christmas. I think a year to lose about 50lbs is totally kosher.
2. Train to start running, this is part of step 1 but with my shin splints, I think it may take a few months to get to the point of really running. So, pool running, eliptical, pilates... you get the idea.
3. Get a job. This has little priority to me with the exception of the extra money. I have it hanging over my head that since I don't work (but do go to school) that I don't contribute, and this could drivel out to a big complaint about my living space, ect BUT I will not go there right now. Point is me + job= $$$ which will be nice because then I can have money to buy diamonds and pearls and all that glittery greatness that I want to design.
4. Don't hold your breath, but I intend to really quit smoking. I know I have tried and it goes well for a few days and then I get sooooo pissed that I say fuck it all, but with any blessing from God I will actually quit, which will be helpful with steps 1 & 2.

I s'pose that's about it. That is all I have really figured out, I also am happy to say that Mike got a dollar and 50 cent raise, which I hear is really good in this economy, and for the first year in quite a few Dad was extremely busy with Christmas. (This helped to make the job less of a matter to me because I made extra cash to pay some bills that were behind- score!)

Oh and technically operation marshmallow, ect are not resolutions because I have been attempting to do them and haven't.

Open your eyes

:: 2010 16 December :: 8.42 am

for the love of all effing goodness why the fuck do you keep sleeping through your alarms!

Open your eyes

:: 2010 3 December :: 3.53 pm

so,
there is this local bar that mike and i love to go to... they have the best variety of tea mixes (30+ flavors of long islands) and pretty awesome (and super sized portions of) food.
Obviously we will be eating there... but I am annoyed that now when I try to be social and ask my younger friends to go out they assume that it is for food. I asked them out to have a drink... NOT FOOD! so why is it that they want to tell me they don't want to eat there? That is totally irrelevant.
Stupid 21/ 22 yr olds. ugh.

Don't tell me i am antisocial-- I try to be social and you always reject my offers, so bite me. you are all ridiculous!

Open your eyes

:: 2010 18 November :: 12.36 pm

soo... life has been life
up until about 2:30 yesterday it totally sucked... but then I found out I didn't have class for the next 2 days (like today and tomorrow) and my life got better.

As usual mike and I are a toss up. I get sick of him being inconsiderate, and him constantly swearing (you don't realize how stupid swearing is until you hear it being used as every other word when someone is talking). I am sure he is sick of me "being a bitch" but I have always been a bitch so what are you to do? All I want is to be able to pay the bills and do my homework and get them both where they need to go on time. I mean is that too much to ask?

So thankfully I don't ave school again for like a week and a half, which totally rocks. I do have a bunch of stuff to get finished for classes still but nothing new to add to them, which is wonderful!
Leaving for MI sometime in the next few days, and doing lots of work at Dad's store but I enjoy actually getting to have the time to design and finish everything.

Sooo, if you are in MI and read this... I have the same number I have always had, If you want to hang out just call.
PS. I would love to visit east town and maybe drink, have some coffee or hookah... so if you want to do that you should definitely call.

Open your eyes

:: 2010 26 October :: 9.32 am

of course it is my fault. it's always my fault.

if that's how you feel, i hope you enjoy the feeling of loneliness you will be feeling until I am able to split for good. I'm done.

Open your eyes

:: 2010 8 October :: 7.14 pm
:: Mood: despondent
:: Music: Metric- Help, I'm Alive

Open your eyes

:: 2010 7 October :: 2.39 pm

I'm on music obsession kick.
I think I have gotten almost 150 new songs... with another 100 or so to go.
Things are so much better when I am home alone. I think before I start the next batch of music though I am going to clean more in case anyone comes over this weekend. I know, not likely- but i am crazy about having a spotless apt when people visit now, so i better do it or I'll be pissed if they do.

And bonus, all new music to listen to while I clean.

Open your eyes

:: 2010 6 October :: 2.44 am

i ought to be working on homework and I seem to be addicted to updating my facebook status tonight... So in an effort not to update it again, I am on here to bitch about my lack of motivation and constant distraction from my husband sleeping next to me... and rolling onto me, ect.

i hate writing intensive classes!

2 find grace | Open your eyes

:: 2010 3 September :: 7.40 am

i don't want life handed to me on a platter, but i sure do wish things would go smoothly for once.

Open your eyes