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2005 31 July :: 1.05 am
so i have decided that i am scared shitless of flying, and so i will not see mike before at least thanksgiving, mainly because i am afraid of having to fly for my first time all alone. eeks. and i really miss him :(
3 find grace |
Open your eyes |
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2005 29 July :: 9.26 pm
i hope you all like me with short hair, because i am cutting it off tomorrow. bwahaha
Open your eyes |
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2005 29 July :: 1.59 pm
so i am thinking of liz phair, and mike and ask him if he makes love cause he's in it. he says idk, i've never been in love.
the boy calls my too often but not enough. i'm worried that i'm going to be in love. mom says that it is going to be really hard to detach from him because we've had sex. why is this happening now? it's the question on both of our minds and we seem to ask it too often lately. hmm. anyways. i keep running this in circles.
Open your eyes |
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2005 29 July :: 9.08 am
i can't properly take back what i said.... what i said in my lament is very true, but we are becoming closer. he wasn't drunk, he called and said the offer still stands, but it cannot be next week b/c he is sleeping on someones couch. I might go stay with him in Seattle instead, that way we can see each other before i start school. he was planning on waiting until like november to have me stay with him, but that could only happen if i stayed with him at thanksgiving instead of coming home. i don't know why i am so afraid to love him. he couldn't sleep so he calls me, and we talk for half an hour even tho he had to be on a flight at 4.30am. and he didn't call until far after midnight. i know we have each other but i can't have this happen right now, i want to wake up to him every morning and all i can do is wait silently until christmas, or some vacation every year, and just sit this out for four years. the whole menegerie seems impossible, but i already found a ring i want him to have and i pack down the cases each day looking for a wedding set. i want to get married. it seems too early to me, but you know the only real problem that we have is that we are too far apart. he still tries to call everyday, and the idea that i will give him a massage, even if he is too tired to do anything but lay on the bed makes him so happy. i wish i could record every conversation that we have ever had and put in a box to listen to over and over, because he says too many things that i love, or makes noises that i enjoy far too much because i know that i make him happy. i have disarmed him, and he has disarmed me. it all seems so impossible. *sigh*
oh yeah, he is taking me to a shooting range, and teaching me how to shoot people hunting weapons. yay. LOLercoaster.
Open your eyes |
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2005 28 July :: 11.51 pm
this is my lament...
i thought that i could be everything for you, and i got let down once again.
i am not going to bring you happiness, because i was not put here to be your toy.
happiness fades, so does joy, and even if you call i know that you are just like every other boy... and i was wrong.
maybe someday, you can look back and see your mistakes, and i won't shed a tear, i won't add some light to the situation, because my candle has burnt to the end, and i still lay here alone... with no word from you, and no hope to be in your arms.
Open your eyes |
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2005 27 July :: 12.03 am
i don't understand what the hell i ever did to crystal but she needs to leave me alone. i never have done a damn thing to her. i hate her, i want her to get the fuck out of my life. i never did anything to her, and she has the audasity to call and wake me up and start swearing at me when she's probably all drugged up. just go the fuck away. don't swear at me unless you have a good reason and don't make me get up just to sit here and cry because idk what the fuck is going on.
4 find grace |
Open your eyes |
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2005 26 July :: 10.04 am
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MIKE IS GETTING ME A PLANE TICKET TO FLY OUT AND SEE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YAY!!! and he told kerry that i am the perfect girl *eeek! i get giggley inside when i think about that moment!*
so, that is about all of it, but i thought you guys would be interested. I think it is very possible that in four years i will be getting married maybe not to him but then again, maybe to him....
oh, and how do you kids feel about a pool party?
3 find grace |
Open your eyes |
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2005 25 July :: 2.49 pm
:: Music: Lou Reed- Romeo had Juliette
Caught between the twisted stars the plotted lines the faulty map
that brought Columbus to New York
Betwixt between the East and West he calls on her wearing a leather vest
the earth squeals and shudders to a halt
A diamond crucifix in his ear is used to help ward off the Fear
that he has left his soul in someone's rented car
Inside his pants he hides a mop to clean the mess that he has dropped
into the life of lithesome Juliette Bell
And Romeo wanted Juliette and Juliette wanted Romeo
And Romeo wanted Juliette and Juliette wanted Romeo
Romeo Rodriguez squares his shoulders and curses Jesus
runs a comb through his black pony-tail
He's thinking of his lonely room
the sink that by his bed gives off a stink
Then smells her perfume in his eyes and her voice was like a bell
Outside the street were steaming the crack dealers were dreaming
of an Uzi someone had just scored
I betcha I could hit that light with my one good arm behind my back
says little Joey Diaz
Brother give me another tote those downtown hoods are no damn good
those Italians need a lesson to be taught
This cop who died in Harlem you think they'd get the warnin'
I was dancing when his brains run out on the street
And Romeo had Juliette and Juliette had her Romeo
And Romeo had Juliette and Juliette had her Romeo
I'll take Manhattan in a garbage bag with Latin written on it that says
"It's hard to give a shit these days"
Manhattan's sinking like a rock, into the filthy Hudson what a shock
they wrote a book about it, they said it was like ancient Rome
The perfume burned his eyes, holding tightly to her thighs
and something flickered for a minute and then it vanished and was gone
Open your eyes |
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2005 24 July :: 11.54 pm
ROFLcopter
the Cutting Edge
(56% dark, 43% spontaneous, 33% vulgar) |
your humor style:
CLEAN | SPONTANEOUS | DARK
Your humor's mostly innocent and off-the-cuff, but somehow there's something slightly menacing about you. Part of your humor is making people a little uncomfortable, even if the things you say aren't in and of themselves confrontational. You probably have a very dry delivery, or are seriously over-the-top. Your type is the most likely to appreciate a good insult and/or broken bone and/or very very fat person dancing.
PEOPLE LIKE YOU: David Letterman - John Belushi |
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My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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You scored higher than 84% on dark |
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You scored higher than 26% on spontaneous |
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You scored higher than 42% on vulgar |
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1 find grace |
Open your eyes |
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2005 23 July :: 1.05 am
You Are 26 Years Old |
26
Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.
13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.
20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.
30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!
40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.
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5 find grace |
Open your eyes |
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2005 22 July :: 12.43 am
so i have been replaced by my old pre-graduation self. i am depressed for no fucking reason. i want to injure myself just to feel pain somewhere other than my heart. i called and woke mike up, which made me feel even shittier, but i found out that he will be home for both christmas and thanksgiving, not that it really makes a difference.
i officially have no fucking life now because all i am allowed to do is work and sit at home, waiting for college to start. i can only go downtown to work out and then i can only stay downtown once a week to hang out with my "friends".
mike says welcome to his world, but at least he gets paid decent money for being alone, i barely make the bills, and it just makes me want to smoke even more, but today was my last pack, so there goes the comfort in that. make it all go away... i need to be in a fucking strait jacket, because all i want to do is pull out the knife in my purse and stab my leg. god dammit.
oh, but on the good side, i got my student loan and i am going to see bowling for soup- my first non-parent forced concert. so yay, i guess...
Open your eyes |
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2005 21 July :: 12.27 am
finished the book
loved it
and i got teary eyed, but no complete tears.
whoot whoot
3 find grace |
Open your eyes |
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2005 20 July :: 11.17 am
half way through the book. sooo excited. I want to finish and talk to lizzy about it and then if i have time, read something by chuck palanuik.
1 find grace |
Open your eyes |
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2005 19 July :: 6.33 pm
:: Music: Rilo Kiley- Bad news
i am having a hard time coping right now. i don't want to live at home, and i miss mike, but i can't call him because i don't want to be clingy and i need to know if he is the one that i really want, but i don't know how to just go out and fool around even though i have plenty of guys around me all the time now.
i love how it always turns out the way lizzy said it would, sex was so great for me, but it complicated it all so much. i just hope she is right about him loving me... i am just scared because we never see each other and everything is so damn uncertain. And i have this damn migrane that is not helping at all. grrrr.
1 find grace |
Open your eyes |
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2005 18 July :: 10.33 pm
i'm back in the game, sorry to mike but i can't wait for you to call and i won't see you until december. i have to see if i really want you anyways. that's my instruction from kerry, experiment, and if you still think of mikey, well then, that's what you want. but at least i know what else is out there...
3 find grace |
Open your eyes |
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