:: 2006 5 October :: 12.55 am
:: Mood: fat

i am out of control.

i cant stop eating.


i just eat
and eat
and eat
and eat
more
and more
and more
and more

i have a desire to be filled
to be satisfied

i am
spiraling
out of
control

i need to S.T.O.P

fat.
everywhere.
i dont like it.
i hate it.
me.

i am out of control
look at my room.
it is a mess.
when it is a mess,
then i have
no control.
must clean.
tomorrow.

i will be thin.
i will be pure.
i will be glass.

i am not ok

sweet words

:: 2006 28 September :: 3.26 pm
:: Mood: irritated

-she paints her world with words-
we were supposta go on a ship trip. we were going because mandee had a friend who she wanted to visit there. i said i would go to see my friend. i told my friend about the trip and she seemed excited to see me. mandee was going to drive. today, mandee announced that shes not going on the ship trip. she said i could still go, but she wasnt. one minor detail hun, YOU WERE GOING TO DRIVE!!!

this is the SECOND time she let me down. i hope shes not always like this. what bothers me the most is that she made an obligation to do something and she let me down. she did not think about me or what other people may be doing. she did not think that because i dont want to go... danielle can find her own way there. or danielle can disappoint her friend and not go. it makes me look bad!

its like yesterday. mandee was supposta coem with us to the mall to get her ear pierced. we had planned this all week. i wanted to go at 330 but we waited til mandee was done work @530. we waited for her. she then has the nerve to say she doesnt want to go. i waited for her. i planned it out for her. and she backs out. i told her, she did not need to get anythign pierced but to at least go there and hang out with us. she said she didnt want to spend that money for nothing. she let me down. i do not like that feature in people. for some reason it pisses me off. if you say you are going to be there, i expect you to be there. mrrrrr

sweet words

:: 2006 28 September :: 3.09 pm

I have a paper to write. I am trying to avoid doing it. I have so much time, but yet so little time. I have the 1500 word paper which is due tomorrow. I have the English paper which is also due tomorrow. I should study from psych. I should also study Cultural Anthropology. I should swim or at least do some sort of physical activity. merg.
I decided against swimming. My parents are going to be mad. This weekend when I go home Ill try and avoid telling them that i decided against it. I could work. I could get a job. I want to get a job. I wish the stupid work study would have came through. fuckers. I am feeling disgusted with myself lately and I believe I will continue to do that for a while. I just need to be alone...

sweet words

:: 2006 27 September :: 1.19 pm

i feel like i am spiraling out of control here. i eat and eat and eat and eat and eat... i cant stop. i feel the layers adding and adding and adding. freshman 15? try freshman 50! i will resist. i will not let it be here. i must gain control. i must control. supress surpress. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

sweet words