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2006 24 September :: 3.32 am
:: Mood: need to express
i am tired, but i cant sleep. so i feel like i have alot to say. alot in my mind that needs to be written down. be printed before it is lost... forgotten.
college here is alot of fun. i like it alot. i like the enviroment. i like the people. i like my friends. i like so much. i dont want to leave. im afraid i will have to when the bill comes. i am spending so much fuckin money here. i am going to be in so mch debt if i dont find some way to pay for this. i hate thinking about money. when ever my rents call, it usually switches to that and it makes me unhappy. i get grumpy and wish to stop talking to them. i know what they have to say. i know what i have to do. no sense in making me angry/sad/aggrivatd to think about it.
i like my friends here alot. im glad i met them. mandee is cool. its weird how i met her. but shes been with me since the first day. and im glad i have her. she can be so crazy sometimes. although... she likes to be crazier than me and force me to stay up later... try and make me spend money.. make me always be doing something. sometimes i dont want to do anything, but ill get to that later.
Theres zach. he was in my ol group. i talked to him the second day and hes been with me since. i like him alot. like really alot. like really really. he makes me afraid though. im so afraid im messing it up and im not all i was to begin with. he calls me such an honest person, but i feel like i let him down. he describes me as "someone whos not afraid to be herself" but i am. i am myself, but at times i stop and i look back and i wish i didnt act the way i did. i hope i am and can continue to be all that he sees me to be. he so... perfect... in my eyes. like hes cute, adorable, funny, smart, deep, emotional but not too emotional, crazy, relaxed... hes pretty much how i would describe my ideal guy. and what scares me is to lose it all. the notion of not being with zach scares me. im so afraid that this amazing... thing will end. thats one word that i can sum up all of this relationship though... AMAZING. i really dont want this to end.
and the thing is... i have barely known these people a month, but it feels like so much longer. we have spent so many hours together and i think that accounts for it. its weird to think about it. although, i wouldnt of rather spent these past few weeks with anyone else.
even though i like this change and i have so many supportive friends here, i have one drawback. since ive been here, i have suffured many anxiety attacks. i hate them. they come and i feel like im going to die and i really dont want to. im so afraid that i am. that i am slowly dying on the inside but i choose to ignore all the signs and symptoms. the panic attacks come in class, at lunch, during movies, when im trying to fall asleep, in the olive garden... they are extreamly inconvenient. i wonder if theres anyway to make them go away. i dont tell anyone about them though. only heather cause i know she would understand due to the fact that she suffers from them as well. they make me so nervous and scared. i want them to just go away!!!
also another thing. my friends here want to always hang out, always do something, always move... and sometimes i just dont want to do that. i just want to lay there and stare at nothing and think... i just want to go to bed before 12... i dont want to spend unnecessary money... i want to study for a test... i dont want to eat and eat and eat... i justwant to be alone... whenever i want to withdraw they think there is something wrong with me. theres not. i just dont want to be with people. i dont wanna be social. i dont wanna have to care about their wants and needs. i dont want to listen to them talk and talk and indisisively discuss what to do next and just repeat, im bored. lets do something... over and over again. i want to stop putting on the happy face. i want to stop being social. i just want to withdraw in myself.. away from everyone else. is this weird???
and another thing. they sit here and they bash this girl ashley. over and over again. i can understand that she is annoying and that she does say things she shouldnt and acts ways she shouldnt and interpert things wrong... but thats who she is. when they put her down and stuff.. i say something. cause thats who she is.. she doesnt unerstand... she doesnt see things the way we see things... she doesnt read people the way we do... and she takes things that we normally wouldnt seriously. i guess she reminds me of me in many ways and thats why i stick up for her. i know her motives... i can understand why... i know she is lonely and blind of things we see so clearly... i look at things from her perspective and i understand. it frustrates me that the others wont do the same. i want to tell zach all this cause i know he would understand. or atleast listen. i really dont know what to do about it. it feels so wrong to sit there and talk about her like that. makes me feel so uncomfortable.
today we went to the mall. it was ok, but they kept leaving me. like i would be looking at something and when i turn around they would be gone. and not just gone in the sense that theyre in the next row... but gone as in they are waiting outside the store or moved on to the other side of the store. i would ask them to wait or to see something with me and they would ignore it. i felt like they were oblivious to me. and i guess that is a very selfish thing to say but i dont think i was intirely selfish. there is a difference to dealing with a selfish person and completely ignoring the fact that this individual is a complete person. and that frustrated me and made me sad. and since they sit there and talk about ashley so easily... i cant help but wonder... do they sit there and talk about me as well? meh.
some days... i can feel so sad. like i dont want to be around people and that i want to be alone. i cant help but think things like i am selfish and i hold everyone back and that i need to retreat from everyone. zach always senses something wrong in me.. biut i just smile and say noting is wrong, but almost everything is wrong. and this is a first. me not willing to share whats going on in my mind. i want to, but im so hesitant. i kinda discribed it to him as... i didnt want to invest so much to have it all be lost. and i wanna believe that.. but i dont think that statement really sums it up. i am cautious.. yes. hesitant. yes. maybe its because they all leave me so quick. i can tell you... i have never liked someone like this. it is different. i dont know how. it is so strong. and i know that to keep this relationship strong... i need to smile and look confident and happy... not down-trodded and sad. that zach will be so much more attracted to me if i am happier and laughing and smiling. so i guess even though im ready to break.. i should smile. keep it all inside.
with zach... i feel so much. he tells me about maria and i cry. and when i cry, i wipe my tears on his face to tell him that i can feel his pain. he says he is broken and that hes not sure if i want to fix him cause theres alot to fix. but i want to fix him. the thing is... i always fall for the broken-hearted boys. thats not a good thing. cause then they rush into a rebound relationship. i really hope that is not the case with us. i hope so much. i also feel like we are rushing so much. i try to stop, but i cant. i really believe we should. that it would do more harm than good, but i cant. i know that it makes him happy and thats what i want to do. make him happy. and once we start.. i dont want to stop. but i need to be strong. i need to say no. i pray god will give me the strength. things can only end disasterous if we dont. and i dont want to ruin such a good thing. please..
that and so much more is going on in my mind, but thats all that wants to come out today. i know i can share it here because it can be read, but not by the world. if the world read it.. then i would be poked and proded and asked.. awwe danielle... are you ok??? i read your entry and all that... i dont like that. *grumble. but yes.so i can at least get it off my chest... tomorrow.... i hope to sleep late... finish paper then go to kash's house. then... sometime... zach will come back. i can not wait!!! cause i miss him alot. and i hope i can make a week with out crossing the line... please... help me. cause i dont want to. please. out.
sweet words |