:: 2006 12 May :: 1.21 pm
:: Mood: sorta optimistic

This morning, I woke up with the best feeling in the world. I don’t know why, but I just felt so good about everything. I had expected it to be cloudy and yucky, but instead it was light and the sun was shining in the sky. The first thing I thought of was this statement: Today is a good day. I don’t know why but I just felt so good about today.
I don’t think today will be as good as I want it will be. Work tonight is going to suck majorly. Tyler isn’t working. Nick isn’t working. Adam isn’t working. Brent isn’t working. And due to the fact that Brent isn’t working, and I have to stay ‘til close, I don’t know who will actually stay ‘til close. I pray that it isn’t Carrie. She sucks at life. She currently doesn’t have me on her good list. I had a minor incident with her. She’s the bitch that didn’t listen to me. But anyways, I hope it’s Shawn. He’s cooler when it comes to staying late. Chris Wallen is staying late too. He annoys me so much with his high opinions on how to do everything in life his way or no way at all. The funny thing is, he thinks he is actually good with ladies. Now that’s a laugh.

Adam is also weird. Possibly, we might hang out today. That is before I have work. First he needs to talk to Kelly. She’s all more important than. Blah! Today at lunch… I looked up at Adam and he looked over at me. It was a weird, awkward moment. Hmmm. Then when he went to dump his tray, he walked behind my chair and grabbed my churro and just took a bite out of it. *shock! I expected him to just walk behind my chair and kick it while Misty thought he was just going to tap my shoulder. Hmmm. Also interesting. Iono. I just have a loooong, boring night ahead of me. Merg.

sweet words

:: 2006 11 May :: 9.37 pm
:: Mood: merg

My advise for today
Dear Jus4fun,
You could be rather impatient today in a relationship-oriented conversation, for it seems as if the other person takes forever to say even the simplest thing. Perhaps part of the problem is that you are quite comfortable when it comes to feelings, although sometimes you do choose to remain silent. However, once you decide to reveal yourself, you can dive right in. Paradoxically, you can speed things up by backing off and allowing others the time to put their feelings into words.

---------------------

so today i skipped school. me. one who has not missed a day of school since 6th grade, not even for being sick, skipped school. lets see, what did i do. i woke up byt adam calling me at 6am. took david to school, went to shawns house. typed up his paper. went to kellies, surfed online. went to mc-d's kellie ate, i didnt. i saw a jimmy that looked like brett kains. so i tried to txt him, tellign him i skipped. he didnt respond. merg. went to the mall. didnt buy anything. went to millersville. i slept there and got a shower. in addition, i came to a new understanding... im ready to move on and past nick now. hes old news. he doesnt even care. anyways. kellie had insisted on taking two cars up there so i wasted alot of gas because she wanted to get fucked by chris. afterwards she had to just plain tell me EVERYTHING that happened. i mean, im happy for her and everything, but i was having problems while she was fucking this guy and having such "great connections". then she promised to take em twin kiss after dinner. rob called and started an arguement with her which made her depressed and "sick" feeling. therefore, she didnt want to go to twin kiss. i was kinda angry about that. i had to listen to her tell me the inside and outside and back of chris then hear her bitch abotu rob only to be fully rejected. fuck her.

also by the end of the night, i came to the conclusion: why not back off you a little. im moving too fast for you and i know it. ill just ruin the perfectness by pushing ahead too far. i decided that. kellie didnt care. merg. so i went to twin kiss, alone, and got myself a raspberry milkshake. sooo gewd. the calories though. i got a small one because of that. plus to save money. then i went to the theater to hand in some dates to shawn and get my work times. not to mention a certain someone was working... did i know that? of course not. lol! when i was there i found out that brent wasnt working, tyler wasnt working, adam wasnt working. fuck that night. and i have to stay 'til close!!! double fuck. i left movietown discouraged. i cursed myself for thinking so high, like he could like me. me of all people. im so dumb. i need to stop. i need to get away. i need to say fuck it. i need to not care. i want to be able to stuff those feelings away. pretend i ever had them. make them not exist. i guess im not strong enough. how are people who are like that, able to do that? how can an anerexic ignore her stomach's call? how can a person who got hurt so bad by the opposite sex just bag it all and never let anyone touch them again? how is it possible? i wish i was strong like that.
anyways. i have all this work i have to do for school. all of it involves the computer. all of which i am currently not doing. i tried three times to do it, but everytime i get onto the computer, it starts to thunder. not cool. so i was on the phone, talking to drew. the phoen somehow cut out then. i left it go. it rang soon after. i picked it, thinking it was drew. nope. adam. he wanted to talk. how sweet. i think. he was getting back from nyc. he wants to hang out this w/e so i can give him his lessons. dear lord. what am i getting myself into. i think i may hang out with him tomorrow though cause i need to not waste gas due to the fact i wasted it all today.

oh this weather sucks. its all rainey and crappy. yesterday was good. oh and i got online last night and saw the message brett left me: he if you want a ride, i need to know where you live. so get back to me on that" i was so pissed. i got it too late!!! so yeah.

sweet words

:: 2006 10 May :: 9.07 pm

i had a txt convo with you:
me: "Wanna hang out today?" 4:19pm
you: "Im landscaping at the theater dont know when i will be done" 4:48pm
me: "ok someother day?" 4:53pm
you: "Maybe when i have off" 5:28pm

i didnt really expect you to answer me. i thought something else that would just go... unanswered. i really need to distance myself. im gonna destory something that shouldnt be touched.

sweet words

:: 2006 9 May :: 9.36 pm

i went and played basketball today. well at least i attempted. it didnt work out too well. soccer, i can do. track, i can do. football, i can make a very good attmept. basketball, well, is just not my thing. shawn is nice. he probably likes me. last year, he threw me against a wall asking me out. it was so cute. i think thats the best way i got asked out. i didnt accept though. i had about five other offers that day. hes really cute and adorable and funny. hes got a few too many zits for me. underneith that he is gorgeous. i just dont think he would make good boyfriend material. i mean, hes sweet. today for instance, he helped me across the tiny creek. he does such sweet, innocent things that most guys should do. i dont think hes ever had a real girlfriend if you think about it. plus i dont think now is the right time. i mean, i want a boyfriend, but i dont think i should have one now with summer and college coming up.

adam still crosses my mind. i talked on the phone with him. we talked about random things. he is a very lusty boy though. i mentioned something about helping him improve his kissing skills, but im having second thoughts about that now. i dont know if i want to get myself into another... fwb situation. they are so hard to leave.

to top the night off, i waited to see if b.k. would txt me. he txt me last night: "what is the schedule like for the week? i am back for the summer" & "Cool i will be free late wednesday or thursday. sound good?" i told him i was free all week and i said ok to the sound good part. he has a motorcycle. what more must i say? i just cant figure out if he wants a friendship or more.

so the final story is:
-:0:- i think i may teach adam a few things, but cut it off at the end of summer
-:0:- i will keep shawn around as the sweet one, one who gives me hope in guys
-:0:- continue to attempt to diminish the crush i have on you
-:0:- try and figure out what the hell b.k. wants with me
-:0:- continue the whole thing i have with nicholas

damn. does this make me a whore? (no sex is involved) i just like having guys... lust after me?

sweet words