rina
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2008 15 March :: 11.05pm
:: Mood: indescribable
i've just finished reading the perks of being a wallflower. and i don't know how i feel about it, or myself, or if i should feel anything at all, or if i should write down all the ways i related to it, how much i found myself between the lines, or if i should be at least glad that i have felt infinite.
there was one paragraph where i almost had to just stop. just stop reading and look away or maybe just close my eyes for a few minutes to push down whatever feeling was swelling in my chest. it hit me in a desperate way and i was so connected to what he was saying that it scared me, just a little.
maybe it will mean something to you, maybe it will mean nothing. i only know that it meant something to me.
"I saw other people there. Old men sitting alone. Young girls with blue eye shadow and awkward jaws. Little kids who looked tired. Fathers in nice coats who looked even more tired. Kids working behind the counters of the food places who looked like they hadn't had the will to live for hours. The machines kept opening and closing. The people kept giving money and getting their change. And it all felt very unsettling to me."
sweet words
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rina
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2008 20 February :: 11.34pm
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: metal fingers - electric president
songs your mother never sang you
i am an empire of sand
and stone,
smoke standing as a lesson in breathing and
all will fall before the day has begun
cities of word and streets of song but
any peculiarity leaves itself at the doorframe,
glancing in with voyeuristic
heartbeats
melodies pulsing through your blood-
lines, high notes hitting your brainstrings
and it tingles all the way
all the way
down
hands filled with ash,
made of fire
desert storm sweeping away desire,
fraying fragments, barely holding on
and the aftermath always leaves
the calmest chaos in its wake.
sweet words
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rina
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2008 10 February :: 3.36am
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: the ballad of broken birdie records - mum
there is a number of small things
listening to mum and letting the time traveler's wife take me far, far away. it's refreshing to be swept up in words, and my heart feels light when i think about it.
i am starting to feel like my life here has been infused with the twilight zone. everyone is being so, so nice to me lately, and three different boys go out of their way to say hello to me. a girl from down the hall grins when she sees me, and gives a small enthusiastic wave, asking how i am, and if my hand feels any better. (another story -- welding is fraught with peril, and i am left with second-degree burns on my right hand).
today i spent the day reading and cleaning and doing work and it's-- nice. my life feels organized; like i'm in charge of it. it's a new sensation, and somehow i feel as if the world is slowly unfurling for me, gently displaying new paths, and opportunities.
sweet words
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rina
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2008 22 January :: 8.43pm
:: Mood: busy
:: Music: the words - psapp
do you remember all the seconds you are away?
second semester is going far better than first. but i find myself harboring a large and unbridled disdain for people who were nearly friends. i'm quick to judge and bristle at anything that comes out of their mouths and seeing them just makes me sick, sick, sick.
i feel harsh and unlike the old me, but i feel like i deserve to be angry with them. maybe i do. maybe i don't. but i just can't take them anymore.
in other news, contemporary literature is my new love. we're doing fitzgerald and hemingway and emma kunz, and there is a way about these words that transports me to a familiar, foreign place where i can touch the edges of impossibility. i thoroughly enjoy it.
sweet words
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