It's been awhile and it seems I have missed much commotion on the woohu. One semester left, but a whole load of bills that is making it impossible to register/ put down a deposit/ ect.
I pretty much am just here in Kenowhere.
I wish that things would perk up in MI so I could go home and work at the jewelry store...
so I go out for a friends birthday, meet up with a bunch of people from work at our hangout pub. As the night wraps up, a girl from work (who I would kill for to get with) invites me to the after party for some more drinks and drink compliments.
Long story short, as we are all going to pass out this girl (now thoroughly intoxicated i.e. deal breaker) wakes my ass up and asks me to go outside to have a cigarette with her (I still don't smoke and I wasn't cigarette drunk either). I go with her outside of this dorm that requires a keycard for entry at the University of Maryland when she of course notices that she forgot a lighter. She head back upstairs to find it and leaves me outside with no shoes. Its raining. She doesn't come back.
So there I am, in a place infested with police patrolling for drunk college kids who just graduated, with no shoes, in the rain, with no fucking clue where I am.
lucky for me she gave me her iPhone before heading back upstairs, which I used to navigate my way out. Doesn't mean I didn't have to walk around campus in socks while it was raining looking for the parking lot I parked my car in.
So now I have a new iPhone and a pack of menthols (If I DID smoke, I would not smoke menthols).
Ok so, I went to hang out with her because I think she's cute. I didn't try and make a move or anything, but I did put myself in the situation.
life is making me not happy.
and yes, i have friends that are getting just as much crap life and more than me, but i feel like I am at the breaking point.
Maybe I've never been that strong... or maybe it just isn't worth it anymore.
::
2011 8 February :: 10.58am
:: Music: Presidents of the USA- lump
I am starting to think in a year from now I might not have any option but divorce.
I won't go into right now, because I have too much to do, but I sincerely am starting to just not give a damn about him.
Maybe I should have had the song as Elton John The Bitch is Back.
Also, I am seriously thinking about only writing my statuses as lines from songs from here on out. I feel like my emotions are starting to refreeze. Lord save us If I am returning to be the bitch I was in HS.
i have zero motivation for life. my plants are all dying because there is no sun, my husband has no problem acting like i am being neurotic because he isn't returning my calls and I really could care less about school right now.
I am so sick of having to just drop money that isn't here and buy totally random shit for class that I will never use again.
I ought to get a job, but right now I am feeling so down on myself that it is pretty much impossible to "sell" myself to even get an f-ing job. I feel like my whole life I have just slipped between the cracks because I was never worth noticing and what the hell can i even do to change it? It all seems pretty lame if you ask me. I need motivation... something. give me one damn thing to look forward to please. I can't even turn up the music and rock out because I can't get new music. everything is just dumbed down, built up crap anymore. ugh.
wish i could go by some damn motivation... or something of the like.
::
2011 15 January :: 10.14am
:: Music: The Hamster Dance
Wow, I have seriously tried to give my hair volume for like half an hour and the only difference is the way my hair is laying... no height at all.
Interestingly enough I forgot some of the wacky music I have. Thank God for sounds to jam with.
In other news, I am in Green Bay this weekend. I forgot how much I love staying in Hotels. Going to hang out with my old roomie today, maybe tour Lambeau field... Adventures ahead!
this weekend will be the 6th weekend in a row Ive gone out all night and come home on the first train in the morning. Im not entirely sure how I feel about that.
I had a dream last night that I went to a bar with my friend Benedict. I paid 2000 yen at the door, got my wristband and two tickets, and entered. When I got in, a fat lady with a poorly shaped bob haircut and thick horn-rimmed glasses stops me and asks me for proof that I had paid. I show her my wristband but she says, `that proves nothing`. I pull out one of the two tickets I had and I get the same response, followed by the other only to yet again hear how useless it is. She starts chuckling and I say, `what do I have to do to prove to you that I paid?`. She grins and replies `Tim should have given you what you need.`
`Then Ill go find time`
`Tim wont give it to you now, Im sure`
She is laughing hysterically and Im getting incredibly frustrated at this point. I start cursing in Japanese, to which she responds with laughter.
`Its no use really` she says and continues laughing, her belly jiggling rythmycally.
Its then that I pull out a Colt .357, cock it, aim at her face, and pull the trigger. I hear nothing but see a flash of white, at which point I wake up in a cold sweat.
what does this mean?
For a reality update, Im still alive. Thats nice yeah?
If I could wish any wish, it would be that my "friends" appreciated me more. I put that in quotes because there are people that I have deemed to be my friends and over the past few years it becomes more and more evident that maybe what I feel and how I see in the 'friendly' relationship isn't the same both ways.
I try to do anything and I am blown off. Idk, maybe we are just on totally different wavelengths or something. I am just sick of this dull ache that I feel because maybe I care more, or I just keep lying to myself that there was ever any relationship there what-so-ever.
I know this is my safe place, and I want to hash this all out in words, but Idk if I have it in me right now. Mike is def. right though... too much heart. I feel bad for the grinch, I was shut off like him too once... and then your heart grows and re-opens and you get hurt all over again, and that pain is even worse. idk anymore. none of it fits together or makes sense, except that is the explanation for the worst.