:: 2004 8 April :: 1.39 pm
:: Mood: cant stop crying

Hi again
talked again... and I actually felt better about this talk... till the end. Sometimes he sounds so much like he knows that if we got back together we'd be happy and sometimes he sounds like he absolutely refuses to go back and is just pittying me by even talking to me.

He did say though that if he doesnt work he wants to come up and see me dance. The honestly means so much to me. Even if hes not coming as my bf it means a lot that he wants to come and see something that I have put so much of my time into.

Then he said something at the end that I dont know how I feel about it. He said that he needs to live the rest of the week and he'll tell me Monday-ish what hes come up with about us. Part of me thinks thank goodness finally I'll know one way or another. But then there is a part of me that thinks, lets just wait till after he comes up here. I do kinda think that we should see each other again and see how we've changed. There has deffinately been some changes over this break up... and I dont mean physically. I dunno, I think that I hate waiting, but I think it would be smart to wait until after this whole dance weekend thing.

I dont know. I dont know what will change either way, if its a yes lets date or a no lets not. I dont know what has changed from "youre the only one that makes me happy and I'll always love you" to this. I dont know, and part of me thinks thats just life and I'll never know. I dont know... there are so many thoughts and feeling in my head. The ones that say go back and the ones that say dont. The ones that say give up the ones that say dont... I dunno which ones are going to make my head explode first....

gimmie a ring

:: 2004 7 April :: 4.56 pm
:: Mood: happy

Journal is fixed
JustADreamer... smartest girl in the world... thank you!

gimmie a ring

:: 2004 7 April :: 1.15 pm
:: Mood: DAH!

I HATE FREAKING LIFE RIGHT NOW!
Just when I decide to be all sorts of mellow and as care free as possible more problems come up.

So a friend of mine asks me to "be his girl." I dunno. I didnt know how to say no and not hurt him. Over time we've become really good friends, and thats all we can be. I dunno thats just how I see things. Then theres this whole John thing, which I'm trying not to stress about.... dah everything sucks

I'm done, from now on I'm just done with everything...

1 message | gimmie a ring

:: 2004 7 April :: 10.03 am
:: Mood: Oh the confusion

saeroindgr
Yeah, thats about all I've got. I've made the decision to stop stressing, LOL, like that can ever really happen. But I'm going to try my best to be an easy going care-free Mica.

Ok so I said TRY....

gimmie a ring

:: 2004 6 April :: 7.09 pm
:: Mood: stressed

Lots journals lately... like 2 or 3 a day
Ok, so I'm at work and I was bored so I typed my name into google and got some stuff back. Read Johns old journal ... flat out cried at work... good thing no one is here. Anyway this is what it said:

I love you Mica. I cant wait until tommarrow when you get down here , b/c then everything is in harmont when Im with you , baby I love you.

Yeah so it shouldda said harmony, but I got the point all the same. I guess I was having a bad day and he wrote about it.

Damn I wish I had ANY PLACE to go where things would just be nice... lansing or no lansing, John or no John... I need to freaking escape.

I long for weekends like I used to have. Where things could suck and I'd go to Lansing and things would be ok. I want that back, no matter if its with John or not, I just want that back. I hope I can get it back... how do I get that back???

Then as if that werent enough I read this

I'm not gonna just lay down and give up and let Mica go. I care about her way to much to just give up on this girl i love , she means more to me then life itself i would give mine just to hear her tell me she would take me back , i refuse to just say oh well Mica isnt gonna take me back b/c i want her back and im gonna make sure she knows that before she turns me down b/c she is my world and my life , im gonna keep fighting b/c Mica is the best cause in the world to fight for , i dont care what anyone else thinks i love this girl , and i want her to know that i care and that i still love her. Mica I'm gonna do everything to get you back.


Then there is poetic John

I wrote Mica in the sky,
but the wind blew it away.
I wrote Mica in the sand,
but the waves washed it away.
I wrote Mica in my heart,
and forever it will stay

then

Don't Quit
When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road your trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile , but you have to sigh,
When worrying presses you a bit,
Rest if you must-- but dont you quit.

Life is crazy with its twists and turns,
As everyonwe of us sometimes learns,
And many failure turns about
When he might have won if he had stuck it out ;
Dont give up , though the pace seems slow-
You might succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victors cup.
And he leaned to late, when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out-
the silver tint of the clouds of doubt.
And you can never tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you are hardest hit-
Its when things seem the worst that you mustn't quit.

Kinda inspiring... but I dont know... I just dont know what to do or what to think about anything anymore...

gimmie a ring