:: 2004 6 April :: 12.06 am
:: Mood: I cant stop crying

Dreaming


My heart is black and empty
My eyes feel that way too
My life is no longer complete
It’s missing my time with you

Things are so confusing
I don’t know what to feel
The only thing I know for sure
Is that my feelings for you are real.

But now I am here waiting
My heart and my life are in your hands
I want you to do what you think is right
Even if it means we are just friends

It feels like a dream
I hope I wake up…
Its cold and I’m alone
I want to wake up…
It hurts so much
but I cant wake up…

gimmie a ring

:: 2004 5 April :: 12.00 pm
:: Mood: crushed

lets try something new... lets cry... wait thats not new!
Talked to John about a half hour ago (still crying and trying to sort it all out)

So, I thought I'd be getting some closure today. But actually got far from it. I just dont understand it. Basically I've gotten that he has a gf, or someone he's seeing :'( but hes not really happy. And that he misses me and that he hopes that he ends up back in gr. So, either he is totally feeding me shit so that he can not feel bad about me and he can live his happy life with his new girl. Or, he really does miss me and stuff and then thats where the confusion is. I really wish I knew which one it was. Becuase I hate being in this weird not knowing stage.

It sucks so much to hurt. But I think its worse if you keep holding out hope that things will find there way back to how it was. So, as of a few days ago I was ready to end all this hurt by just saying bye. Then the IM of not being happy came around. Then the little talk here, and now I'm back where I started. And it hurts so much more than before.

If I wouldnt have listened to everyone and tried to ignore my feelings things might have been different... I dont know. But they might have. Maybe we could have worked it all out before this whole gf thing happened... I dont know. There are so many maybes and thats prolly why it hurts so much.

Sorry, woohu.com-ers this is prolly one of the journals that I've opened up the most in, but I dont know what else to do. There has been so much going on in my head that I just havent said, and now if I say it or not it wont matter. All the dreams that I keep having, all the memories I have, none of them matter anymore.

I guess I did with my feelings what I did with possessions and boxed them all up and took them out when no one was looking. And that lead people to believe that I was fine. John thought I was fine, Mal thought I was fine, Dp thought I was fine... everyone thinks that I'm fine. And now I have to be. So I guess I will box things up tighter, not look at them when I'm alone, and try even harder than ever to move on.

I dont want to cry anymore, and I dont want to feel like this anymore. I just want to know what I should do. If hes with her then thats great and I hope they're happy. But I really hope he tells me whats going on soon... I dont like being like this...

gimmie a ring

:: 2004 4 April :: 3.37 pm
:: Mood: thinky

break time
I'm writing a paper today that I prolly shouldda started weeks ago and its due tomorrow... but it's break time.

So here are my thoughts....
I am very confused. I write my big e-mail, hard as hell to do, cried lots, and then I get an IM from him. He said he's been busy and things. That was Friday. So, from what he wrote me it sounds as though he isnt exactly happy camper either. So, I would like to talk to him about things, but it hasnt happened. I'd at least like some e-mail/IMin, but I dont know if it will ever happen... :'(

I guess I'm getting tired of, people telling me that I "can do better." And that "if he wanted to get back then he'd be showing a little effort. " It just gets disappointing.

*sigh* what to do? I dont like the amounts of drinking that gets done now (and I'm pretty sure that a lot of it has to do with the break up) and I dont like the crying (my eyes are seriously like perminantly dry). *sigh*

Better get back to writing my paper. Damn its getting hard to think... to many thoughts. I thought that if I at least got this one out on my journal I could concentrate on my paper. But there is WAY more to be written, I just dont want to put it in my journal. Not everyone needs to know them...

gimmie a ring

:: 2004 3 April :: 2.08 pm
:: Mood: icky icky icky putangey ha

Monty Python "Search for the Holy Grail" GO SEE IT!
So last night I went to a friends house and had fun, lol I fell asleep. But then when I came home I was wide awake. Soooo, pretty much I had my own little pitty party and it wasnt that much fun. Also, almost took a road trip... that wouldnt have been good, considering how poor I am right now

$9... Mica Loper has $9... thats it.

Wish me luck with that... goin to some concerts tonight. LOL

gimmie a ring

:: 2004 2 April :: 11.43 am
:: Mood: sad

just a simple sad... thats all I can say
So I just sent the worst e-mail in my entire life. And now I dont know what to do. I guess it never hit me until now just how crazy everything is.

I've been sad and crying for weeks now, but I never felt this bad. I very much so held out hope that we'd get back together. I tried to tell myself, and others that it was for the best... but I still never believed it. And now I have to. right?

I hope that things get better from here... I hope that eventually things feel better. I dont want to feel like this anymore...

gimmie a ring