:: 2004 2 April :: 8.47 am
:: Mood: gloomy

hi
HAPPY ANNIVE..... oh wait no.

Thats the big thought in my head today... gotta say, not a good one.

Today sucks, thats all there is to it.

"Which of the bold faced lies will we use?
I hope that you're happy, you really deserve it,
this will be the best for us both in the end.

But your taste still lingers on my lips like I just placed them upon yours
and I starve for you.
But this new diet's liquid
and dulling to the senses.
And it's crude but it will do.

Which of the standard lines will we use?
I've been meaning to call you. I've just been so busy.
We'll catch up soon.
Let's make it a point to."

Dashboard Confessional "Standard Line"
Thanks Mal

gimmie a ring

:: 2004 1 April :: 11.34 am
:: Mood: vacillating

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I dont know what to do. I know what I want to do but I dont know what I should do. How can he sound so fine when I'm so not? Then I read a journal and maybe it has nothing to do with me at all but then he sounds like me. I dont know. Then there's the whole Mal thing. How would she act, what would she feel? I dont know, she doesnt tend to talk about it. And as of right now there is no need to because nothing is happening. And I dont know if it will. How can I want to be with someone who so blatantly doesnt want to be with me? Why do I keep holding on? Its stupid and I'm stupid for it.

I had a dream last night... it was basically our first date. He came over (this time to the dorms) and he had flowers and he was wearing shorts and the "Punk" aka dunk shirt. And his silly hat... the red one that I used to hate so much. Anyway, he picked me up and we started driving, things were awkward... deffinately awkward. Somehow he found his way to the dam. I dont know how he did, but he did. Then we got out of the car, he opened my door and everything, and walked across the street and into the woods till we saw our bench. He sat down and I sat next to him. And we just sat for awhile, talked about things. Then we turned to face each other and just put our foreheads together... just like the first date. And I cried and he cried and then I woke up cuz I cried... I wish things could be as easy as my dream. But I dont think it ever will...

Ummm I dance April 16th and 17th. I hope everyone comes to see me. Zeland high school again. I dont know what time but I hope you all can come.

Going to Intersection on Saturday. Bands with Mal. Maybe Skeletones too. I dont know about this. I just am not into bands as she is. I cant really see me sitting around for lotsa hours listening to music... I need other things to do. Like dance, or play a game... lol.

Avoiding the stalker killer on Friday. So I might be goin to a friends house for a movie night. Hes a nice guy to save me from the killer. I think we're doing a Finding Nemo kinda night cuz he has his daughter. But we'll see, either way I'm not being killed or raped.

School is almost over. I dont want to go home. Things are so non-fun at home. Before this whole Northern job came up I was seriously thinking about going to Cedar Point to work, just for the excitement and the non-home fun. But obviously Northern is a better job. So I think I will stick with that.

I dont know what else to write. I have so much shit going on, so many feelings, I have a twitchy eye I could write a novel on, sleep issues... I dunno there is so much to write... but I will save it for another day. Thank you...

gimmie a ring

:: 2004 31 March :: 7.25 pm
:: Mood: woo hoo

Good news
I got a job today! At northern physical therapy. Between 25-40 hours a week, making an undetermined amount of money. But I dont care because I have a job doing something that I want to do. Working at a place that will help me in so many ways! I'm really excited. Really really excited.

I also have some filler plans for this weekend that should be fun. And then concert with mal on saturday. So hopefully this weekend doesnt suck. we'll see...

1 message | gimmie a ring

:: 2004 31 March :: 12.34 am
:: Mood: Shit

Damn it all to Hell!
Tonight was a damn bad night. Things are just so spinning away from me. I came to the actualization that John doesnt give a shit about me anymore, which is sad, very sad. Seriously in my head all he had to do was come here, re-ask me out, and I wouldda said yes in a heart beat. I miss him so much. But since our little chat on Sunday I've had to just deal with that he likes who he is now and that he doesnt want to put forth the effort to be with me. I guess I was dillusional to think that he actually cared... nothing can be said to make me feel otherwise... and it sucks.... sucks a lot to finally realize that a boy that you absolutely love doesnt love you back...

:'(

Then today I also realized whats happeneing in my life. I dont know, just disappointing. Lotsa non-good stuff. July is a long ass time. I need a job. People are confuseing as all hell.... and the list goes on

I deffinately need to just crawl up somewhere and just sleep for a long time... till everything works itself out. Cuz right now I am just overall not having fun. Ok, thats all my bitching for tonight. I'll talk to all of you later...

gimmie a ring

:: 2004 29 March :: 11.24 pm
:: Mood: ho hum

Milk, does the body good.
So, I have chosen to keep the events of Friday night top secret. I think thats just for the best. I still dont know all of it... I know that somehow I misplaced $10. Thats the info I will disclose.

Life is living. Gotta say, I'm much boreder then I ever used to be. But eventually that will all pan out right? right? I'm supposed to be going to the beach tomorrow. I'm really really excited about it. Ya know, beaches are fun. And when its with like the best guy friend inthe world its better. I think it will be good just to be out with air and water and pretty things. Might bring me out of this psycho ass funk I've been in lately. Lets hope.

Also I need to go to Meijers. If you need to go to Meijers call me... I want to come with you. Thanks...

Time to watch home videos of Dan and Kirk from last weekend... thats all bye

gimmie a ring