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2003 6 November :: 4.25 pm
:: Mood: cynical
Good Mood Gone
Mood seems appropriate. All good things must come to an end. But I wish the ending would have been later in life. I just dont know. Again back to the you trust people and then shit happens.
What would you do if someone you knew and was freinds with was talking about you? Maybe not a whole convo but just something in passing. Now typically I'd just shrug it off... blah blah blah. But I dont know its just different. Maybe its the mood that just mad it crappy, or maybe it was the person. I dont know. I tell people so much that I absolutly hate it when I am choosen for topic of convo. And then why say it when I am within ear shot... thats the stupid part.
So oh well. I guess here I am again, people arent what they seem. Maybe thats why I dont get close to people and dont open up. Becuase if this shit happens when I am not opening up then I dont want to open up. So all you people that say "Mica you need to talk about things and get them out" screw you because if you tell people things then you are open and vulnerable. And it sucks already and I'm not open.
Here I am... doomed to roam alone.
gimmie a ring |
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2003 6 November :: 11.28 am
:: Mood: creative
Its that time again
First off I would like to share with everyone that so far this week (and its Thursday so thats pretty dang good) I have gone to EVERY SINGLE class!
But now that that is out of the way I thought I would update my journal. I will start by saying that things are going pretty well for me. This week has been less stressful than the others, which I think is due in large part to the lack of John stress. Though the week started out bad (for Lord knows what reason) it has ended quite well. I think that this is how weeks should be.
this weekend I will be heading out to Lansing... fun times. And there will be fun John times and fun puppy times. So WOO HOO FUN! Ok I'm outta here. Update more later.
gimmie a ring |
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2003 3 November :: 10.06 am
:: Mood: cold
This seemed Fitting
I was on the internet today and read this. It says more than I could ever say:
Somewhere inbetween acting and acting like I thought I should,
I lost myself.
Pinned down under friends' interpretations,
And parents' empty hopes,
I lost myself.
The inner core that at one time was "me"
Became hidden under borrowed traits and,
I lost myself.
I caught their personalities like a disease,
Too quick to act, it spread and
I lost myself.
I blame them half-heartedly knowing very well,
They might have accepted who I was,
If only I had too.
Its by a guy named Matt T. So go find him, he seems like a cool guy.
1 message |
gimmie a ring |
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2003 3 November :: 3.40 am
:: Mood: crushed
Life has hit bottom... at least I hope this is the bottom
There is nothing to say but I am confused about so many things in my life. I hate what my life has become and I dont know what I am going to do about it. No one can help me. The people that I thought could and the people I opened up to I just seem to be hurting. And I dont want to hurt anyone else.... I'm sorry to everyone, sorry about everything..... I'm sorry
gimmie a ring |
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2003 30 October :: 2.24 am
Oh the places we will go.
The subject has nothing to do with anything, just has been in my head lately. I like to think that one day life will show the reason to me.
So the confusion continues. John and I had ANOTHER freaking fight.... twice. I am getting so tired of having the same fights over and over and over again. At the end of each fight we come to the same conclusion "Something, or someone has to change." And then we figure out what it is that has to change and we say that it needs to change. Then we say I love you and hang up. Then the next day, week, month we fight again. Same problem same solution. And I guess now I am just getting REALLY sick of the fighting. It is so hard! It is so freaking hard!
But I dont know what to do (surprise) I have so much time into my relationship with John that I kinda think that we can work through it and things will be ok. But I'm starting to wonder if I have been saying that all along. And that would mean that for 6 months I've just been hoping things would work out... and here I am still not as happy as I know I can be.
I know that I dont require money to be happy. I absolutely know that. But is it wrong to want to be treated like I am a princess? Not like gifts and gold. But I mean like maybe there could be dates again. Maybe there could be that bit of "Hey I need to impress her." We never spent money on dates. Thats not our style, we both dont have any. But there are so many things that we used to do for free that now have stopped. The big highlight of the day has turned into laundry at my parents house. And then I just feel like Cinderella pre-ball.
I guess what I'm saying is that John Mayer is full of shit. Comfortable is nice but after awhile its nice to be shown that you are still appreciated. And that is just one of the million of problems that I have in my head. I think its the easiest to be fixed. Other problems require mental change... its harder.
I dont want to give up on it. But its just so hard to stay when there is nothing but fights. Its hard to stay when you feel like you are so unappreciated, so unimportant. And there are friends, hell friends of friends, that seem to notice me more than my own freaking boyfriend. Once again, only one problem of our many fights.
Getting sick of the fights, I really really am. But I still feel like we can work things out. I should set a time limit in my head, not let him know when it is and we'll see if things can be fixed, or even a little bit fixed, by then. Maybe I will. I dont like the unhappiness I have. It doesnt end with John, its carrying over into so many things. And I dont like the person I am becoming. I feel like the only time I am half bearible to be around is when I'm sleeping and even then its just ok for other people. Still hell for me, because I've been having crazy dreams for a few weeks now. So while its pleasent for others its hell-ish for me. There is no comfort anymore. Even my Tuesday dance class didnt do anything. I just didnt want to be there. And I'm usually not a person who doesnt want to go to dance. Let alone if it is my favorite dance day of the whole week. But oh well. Life goes on. And all you damn optimists out there, there are people worse off than me.... itd sure be nice to see someone once, then maybe the words would mean something to me.... oh well
gimmie a ring |
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