:: 2003 27 October :: 9.27 pm
:: Mood: effete

Movies
Why is it that life can't be like the movies? And why is it that my life seems to be so far from movie-star perfection? And shut the hell up all you people who are trying to be optimistic and say "other people have it worse than you." Thats usually what I'd say to someone, but today I am just not in the freaking mood for any damn optimism.
So with that said, I don't see why life is so hell-ish. Is it wrong to believe that things could work out once in awhile? Things go good for like a week and then the shit hits the fan. And I don't want anymore damn shit.
I don't understand how people can tell me I'm such a great person and deseve so much and then I get none of it. I don't even get a glimps of what people say I deserve. So My conclusion is that they are all ass-licking liars and are too chicken shit to tell me that I am just a pathetic, dillusional girl, who is not only un-derserving, but un-capible of good things.
I thought that I had things figured out with John and now they are different. I thought I had things figured out with Buck and now things are different. I've made up my damn mind and everyone was happy so why the hell now, 2 weeks later, is everyone getting all pissy and making me feel like I've made the wrong decisions. Hell John should be damn happy with my decision and should be trying to show me that I made the right one and show me that he never wants to go through all that again. He should be trying his damnedness to impress me and try and keep me (even though I've decided to stay with him). And that lasted for a whole weekend when I kept him wondering. Buck shouldn't go and get more blatant and ballsy with his words when I've told him flat out that we are friends and I am staying with John. Youd think that he'd be slowly trying to woo me,ya know show me what I'm missing ... nope.
So why the hell cant I have the movie star romance? Either way? Buck or John? Yeah Ok so trying to get it from Buck would be pointless. But John... I'm not saying that everything needs to be all expensive but it would sure be nice to have someone act as though they really care about me.
Even a friend. Not romantically but it would be nice to have someone act as though they really cared... Mal shut up you dont count. The type of friendship I get from Mal is different than what I want. I dont know why but it is. I just feel like there is some sort of hole in me that I cant quite seem to fill. Like I dont like a part of my life and that I have a part of me that just isnt right. It could be Mal. It could be John. It could be Buck. Maybe its just college and eveyrone goes thorugh it. It could be me. Hell its prolly is me. Because something isn't right and I cant blame anyone for my problems but my own damn self. I hate it all and I want it to change... wish I knew how.

gimmie a ring

:: 2003 27 October :: 5.38 pm
:: Mood: confused

HATE IT
I freaking hate my life about now. If anyone is willing to trade I will. Things in life just get to be too much and then when you try not to be the bitch about things you end up just letting it build up. And when you finally let you you have to accept that you may lose a friend. And I dont want to do that. I dont want anyone else to leave my life. But I think that I may have done that. I dont know. I just hate things how they are now. I will update more later. I have to work now. Stay tooned theres a whole movie star compairison to come later.

gimmie a ring

:: 2003 23 October :: 12.15 pm

Good day today. Things are nice, sun is shining. I love John. Things are good again. More restrictions "taking steps back" but overall its nice to have him back with me. I missed him.

gimmie a ring

:: 2003 20 October :: 5.39 pm
:: Mood: sugary

Eatin pumpkins
Well there is a lot goin on right now that I will vent about when I get home from Dance today. I only have 15 minutes until I have to hike over to work. So be prepared for some craziness. Ok that is all.

1 message | gimmie a ring

:: 2003 17 October :: 10.12 am
:: Mood: chipper

morning eve
Well I am freakishly happy today and I owe it to my new journal buddy. It really makes me happy that someone reads this besides my immediate group of friends... and its fun that it irritates Mal... hahaha SUCKER!
So everyone, read on, leave me comments, cuz this is fun!

gimmie a ring