:: 2003 31 August :: 12.24 am

tired
I am just updating to say that all is well... I hope. I am just returning from a few days of John being here and tomorrow morning I am off to Lansing to see him. I am really excited to go. I love em so much! And really I think that this has been the closest I've ever been to him... this weekend. Like everything just feels close. All is well. And even squirley John and squirley Mica are enjoying each others company. ... really they are... on my desk.... they are in love... just like me and john!

gimmie a ring

:: 2003 27 August :: 11.51 am
:: Mood: scared

John
I'm so scared that John is going to leave me. Ever since the whole thing happened I keep thinking that one day I will get a phone call with him ending things. which I couldnt blame him from doing. I mean everyone knows that I would deserve it. I dont want to lose him. I love him so much. It is so scary to think about life without him. But I think that one day I will find out what its like. I'm sorry John!

1 message | gimmie a ring

:: 2003 25 August :: 11.19 pm
:: Mood: depressed

:-(
So I guess I spoke too soon. Things have happened and it turns out that John had every reason in the world to worry. He was right and I was wrong. But what I dont understand is that I dont think I did anything to have this whole thing happen. This is what happened. I drank, fell asleep, and BAM guy on same couch as me. Eventually the couches lead him to kiss me and I pulled away and so starts the freaking out. I cant help but think of John. I just hate what I'm putting him through. And he is being so nice that he is only thinking about me and that I am ok. And he should be thinking of him. Even though I pulled away and didnt want the kiss I should still be in trouble. I dont see how he can still want me. All his worse fears came true. And I was wrong... very very wrong...

gimmie a ring

:: 2003 21 August :: 2.15 pm
:: Mood: :-(

Hate it
Well John thinks I'm cheating on him and thinks I'm going to leave him. Mom thinks that I have all the time in the world and that now that I have moved out I am just going to screw up my life totally. All in all it sucks. Not to mention that i have all this transitions crap that I dont know how to juggle. All this madatory stuff that I dont know if I want to go to. I have Mom and Dad who need to come hook up my computer but I cant. Then they want to come Saturday but I want to see John but they are all psycho. And more than all that John is all sad about things. I dont know how he can think that I cheat on him he asked me like 3 times if he had anything to be sad about and I told him no. But I dont think he believes me. I hate having the same fight and I refuse to keep having it. Everytime I'm not around to get a phone call I feel like I'm gonna go nuts because he gets all weird about it and I cant help it. Yeah we've been having problems with the phone and computers and I get no cell service... its moving... shit happens. I dont know what else to say... time to lay in bed more. This sucks!

gimmie a ring

:: 2003 13 August :: 11.00 pm
:: Mood: WONDERFUL

good stuff
John, after a period of about a week and a half, is finally happy. And like good happy too. As we all know my parents left me the house for the week and I had a section of "the gang" here. He didnt freak out and he wasnt mopy he was really nice and he made me feel good that I was hanging out and that he was ok with it. It is so so so very wonderful. Honestly, I cant think of a better feeling then this right here. I love him so much and it means so much that he is trusting me and loving me and just being really nice.
Ok I gotta go now. Since I am home alone we all know there are killers everywhere... except bed... thats safe.

gimmie a ring