upchuck
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2005 23 January :: 1.24am
So I finally did it. At 6:00am this morning I called Kim. Yeah, I know, it may seem kind of wierd, but that's probably the only time that I could say what I had to say to her that she would actually listen and not blow me off. I told her about how even though I am so pissed at her right now that when I tell someone I love them I mean it. I may be pissed at her, but I still care. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I didn't need to do that for our relationship, but I needed to do it for me. But then she had to go and screw it up. She left me a note at work saying that "what you talked about works both ways." WTF? What is that supposed to mean? I don't know, and I'm not about to ask. It was hard enough swallowing my pride to call her this morning. The whole situation just pisses me off, but you all know that and it's time that I just stop and get over it.
On another note, it was hard to hear that. After spending time with them, and not knowing him personally it's hard. I know his brother and his sister pretty well. You just have to ask yourself what has to drive someone to kill themselves. So, to echo the sentiments I heard on another journal, Rest In Peace Adam. May God watch over you and your family and give them peace and wisdom.
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gimmie a ring
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upchuck
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2005 19 January :: 4.56pm
Idiots, that's all I've got to say. Why is my journal time on central standard, I don't know.
Stupid people on mlive talkin' about what happened in DC. This one chick was like "she should find a good American boy." How racist. I'm sorry but until America starts to realize that we all have a stake in this country and stop demean other people, we will go nowhere.
gimmie a ring
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Upchuck
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2005 18 January :: 6.37pm
This is a Charlie news update:
I know who the man is that is threatening to blow up a bomb near the White House. I'm sure most of you that are reading this know him to, or at least his relations. I am not at liberty to say who it is yet. Follow this journal throughout the night for further updates.
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gimmie a ring
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upchuck
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2005 18 January :: 1.59pm
I feel old now. There are people on Woohu who didn't exist in the 1980's. That is scary. How long will it be before some of us long time users can be considered "old" timers.
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gimmie a ring
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upchuck
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2005 18 January :: 1.49pm
So, I've gotten back to being myself. I'm not all pissed off all the time anymore, although I have been slightly depressed lately, because of some pretty depressing news.
Talked with Brianna last night. It was good, what I needed. I did come realize that I have many more close Christian friends than I had realized, and that made things feel better.
Relationship wise, I am searching. The problem is that between Shari and Kim I really wasn't seeking a relationship. Sure, I was lonely and perhaps I would have liked to have had someone, but it wasn't something I was actively seeking. Well, at least not until Connie came along and changed all that. But now, I don't need anymore time to get over this. Yes, it was shorter, I am still mad, but the depth isn't there because there isn't anything I need to wrestle with in my own conscience. Which I guess is a good thing. I'm just afraid that by searching, I am going to end up with the wrong girl. That my wants and needs will supercede God's will for me. It's a difficult conundrum.
Ashley was right all along when she said that I needed to turn my focus back to God. It's just at that point I was being stubborn. I didn't want to. I don't know how I felt, perhaps almost injured by Him. But not anymore.
Things get clearer everyday. I see that things aren't going to work out for me in some respects. I'm already preparing my options because I don't think that this is going to last much longer. It's taking a toll on me, plus I'm still only 20, will be 21 in June. I haven't seen enough to be tied down. Plus there are things that I want to do, that maintaining the these things won't let me do when the time comes.
So there is a quick update. time to hop the bus downtown so I can go home.
gimmie a ring
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