upchuck
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2004 28 November :: 11.15pm
:: Mood: crying
:: Music: "Tuesday's Gone" Lynyrd Skynyrd
ugh
So, I guess it all did matter, except for the fact that she loved me. Oh how I wished that that were enough. But it wasn't. It wasn't enough for her. Five months, let's pull the handle, flush, there it goes. I hate it. I hate it so much. I hate that her life turns on a dime like that. I hate that she's classified me in her life like she's somehow superior that she can do that. I hate it. I hugged her and I started crying like I'm crying now. It wasn't enough for her. It's never going to be enough for her.
gimmie a ring
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upchuck
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2004 16 November :: 4.54pm
:: Mood: horny
:: Music: "Hasta Nagila" (I hope I spelled that right)
Does the rules of the Computer Lab not state "NO CELLPHONES"?
Stupid people.
I reviewed my entries from this time last year, go ahead, look at them. Do the survey. Please!!!!! I am naked!!!!!! No, not really. Not that you'd look anyway.
Look, I'm coming up on that time last year when I fell for her hard. I'm glad I did. I'm glad we have what we have now. Despite the fact that I am turning my head. Despite the fact that I have seen her a whole total sum of 3 hours in the last three weeks. Despite my all encompassing desire to know her. Despite my efforts and my best laid plans (no pun intended). I still love her. The thought of that, for some reason makes me want to cry, it also won't let me type right. Are we better people for this? I'm not sure sometimes, but let's hope so.
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gimmie a ring
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upchuck
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2004 16 November :: 3.06pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: none
none
Have you ever noticed that the word "none" is a combination of "no" and "one" without the extra "o"?
Believer to Believer, one has to wonder sometimes if this are just little tricks being played on us. That when we think things are as they should be, they really are not. When one thinks there is a purpose for a person in your life, and you embrace that, you making a grave mistake. Or maybe God's spectacular plan is just being played with by ignorant and stubborn human beings who are so selfish that they cannot possible comprehend the damage they are doing. Not only in their relationship with Him, but in their relationships with others.
gimmie a ring
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upchuck
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2004 26 October :: 7.05pm
:: Mood: indescribable
:: Music: "Sweet Home Alabama" Lynyrd Skynyrd
I'm coming home. I'm just really sick of this place again.
gimmie a ring
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upchuck
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2004 20 October :: 1.46pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: "I Need You"- Jars of Clay
Whatever
This weekend was great. This week has been gong pretty good so far.
Saturday, we both worked and then I came home and slept. Kim came and picked me up and we went over to her firend Christine's house for her b-day party. We followed that up by going bowling. The six of us had a pretty good night. I was the last one to bowl first and I told everyone that I probably wasn't going to be very good, but I got a strike in the first frame. Then in the third game I laid down on the floor and rolled the ball down the alley very slowly before Kim's pins were even out of the way. The machine reset mine and got out of the way just before the ball hit them and I got another strike. It really is absolutely hilarious what entertains me right now. Or rather what I think would be entertaining to you.
I'm in a rambling mood. I took two midterms yesterday so my mind is going faster right now than I can actually write. I wrote, actually hand wrote 8.5 pages yesterday for the two exams combined. I hope I do okay. What am I talking about? Of course I will.
Promise cannot go unfulfilled. I am ready for life. I am ready for whatever is out there. I believe that I am a dynamic individual equipped with the tools to be successful in a dynamic world. But successful at what is the question. I may still go into the ED program, but it doesn't offer much promise.
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Sidebar- I think the establishment as education as a profession is the wrong way to go. I think schools should hire actual professionals in the field to teach subjects. This would give the students connections, improve schools, and alliviate the job market.
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The route through graduate school does not quite seem to be what I want to do. I don't want to write a disertation. I don't want to jump through hoops for stodgy old people who were made to jump through the same hoops. Academia is not sexy enough for me. I don't know if there is a job out there for me in politics. I think that is where I would like my future to be. Maybe get a position in state government, or in a Reps office. Case work would be like what I most want to do. I'm just not sure what direction my life is going in. Everytime I ask for direction from someone they push me in a certian way that kind of sounds like what I want, but not completely. One day divine inspiriation will come to me and it will all be clear, unfortunately that day will be the day I die.
We talked for quite a bit Sunday night. For the first time I actually felt sorry for what I had done in the past. If you are out there, this is the first time I have ever been sorry for what we had. I may have regreted it and been extremely bitter about it, but I was never sorry. Now I am because I gave away something that was so precious, something that I wish I could give to her. And that is exactly why I don't want it from her, because I don't want to take what could belong to someone else.
gimmie a ring
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