Upchuck
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2004 31 August :: 12.24pm
I know that if I keep telling myself that I can make it I can. It's been 36 hours. In that 36 hours ~4 hours have been dedicated to sleep, 8.5 hours to work, 2 to actual class time. It gets better. The next time I get to sleep is 20 hours from now. That would be another 2 hour period. But then, blissfully then, ~24 hours from now I will have time to sleep for eight hours. Eight wonderful hours.
I can do this.
gimmie a ring
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Upchuck
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2004 20 August :: 4.07pm
:: Mood: scared
Now it's about conquering the fear
I guess I could always tell myself that I can be the man that I want to be if I could only conquer my fear. Times like this make it seem like an impossibility. Things are changing and I am absolutely terrified. Why do I have to be like this? Why did this have to be my curse? Other people fly from job to job to different thing to different thing in life and have absolutely no anxiety about it. Why can't I? Why do I have to worry that I won't be able to do my new job as well? Why am I afraid of going back to school? That's an easy one. This summer has been so wonderful, well, it's been okay with it's ups and downs. But I don't want it to end. I'm scared for what our relationship will become now.
I'm also scared for you. With what has happened in the past few days. I know it hurts and I wish I could make that pain go away for you. Because I'm scared that this will put you back to the way you were. That you will go back to that place and you'll never be the same again.
And now, when I have these tears streaming down my face is when I need you the most, to reassure me that everything will be fine. To reincorporate me back into normal life again. But that's not going to happen. I have no idea when we'll see each other again. I need you now. But it's not something I'm going to bother you about.
Fear won't go away. And I don't know what to do.
gimmie a ring
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Upchuck
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2004 18 August :: 10.26am
:: Mood: dorky
:: Music: "Calling Yesterday" Nixons
Growing up
I'm not sure if any of you realize this, but the tenor and tone of your journals has all changed. Well, at least those of you on my friends list. No longer is it about the depressing rigors of high school, but the pain and hope of life. There are so many things I want to say to each of you. But I find it hard because some of you are going places and doing things that I haven't yet. A few of you understand the responsiblity I feel for many of you. Almost a guide, but also a friend. Life goes on to all of you. Many of you are taking big steps, some small, but all individual. Now, more than anytime since I graduated high school do I feel like the things that once were are falling apart and everyone is going their separate ways. Of course, now you will all begin the true significance of Woohu. Beyond being a place to gather and share things form high school, it is now our line of communication back to those people who were once entrenched in our lives.
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gimmie a ring
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cshawks2003
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2004 11 August :: 10.03pm
:: Mood: bitchy
:: Music: I Just Wanna Fucking Dance - JSTO
Why?
I have yet to understand why people treat me like shit. For some reason some people...who will remain anonymous...have suddenly started to bitch about how my life is so great blah blah...jsut because I have my school paid for with scholarships....well guess what hun....I EARNED IT. And if anyone thinks my life is anywhere near perfect think again...anyone who reads this has NO FUCKING CLUE what I have to go through right now. No I don't want sympathy either...but guess what? I have major problems right now in my life...and when people give me those comments in my journal...anonymously...yeah....it pisses me off. Who in the hell has the right to say that stuff about me...yeah so what if I am gay...I never said I was...but if I was what does that have to do with anyone and who gave YOU the right to tell everyone. Oh well thats ok...for all of you that I still consider friends...and who still treat me with respect...thank you...and to my new friends...who I have a lot of now...thank you for all of the great times. I can not wait to have more. I am really moving along in my life and whoever doesn't wanna take the time to accept me for who I am can take a flying leap cuz I don't care. Ok I've got what I need to say out.
Laters guys :)
Allen
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gimmie a ring
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Upchuck
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2004 11 August :: 2.41am
:: Mood: bouncy
:: Music: "In the Light" - DC Talk
Tonight
Well today was a pretty good day. Kim and I went to GVSU to buy books. I never saw a purpose in it, but since her mother was freakin' because they sent us a discount card, Kim went to get hers, so I figured I'd get some of mine. The three non-text book books for my Michigan History class pretty much tell what the class is about. First we go looking at Lake Superior Copper mines, then to Henry Ford and the second industrial revolution, then to the urban riots in Detroit and Flint in the 60's and 70's. To say, I am throughly disgusted that so many people love to ignore our side of the state. I'm not sure why, they just do. My Latin American Politics class will feature much of the same reading that she gave us for our politics in Developing Countries course. I will be very sick of Skidmore and Smith by the end of the semester. I got some Spanish books too. Not that I really understand what they say.
Then we went to work where Kim asked for her job back. I'm not quite sure how I fell about that. Then we went to lunch and back to my house. We spent a little tome wrasslin' around. Then she started laughing uncontrollably, and wanted to sleep. So we laid down on the floor and fell asleep together. It was so nice. It's so nice to know that someone you care about feels safe enough with you to sleep. While she was sleeping she started dreaming and she tends to have violent dreams, like she's running from something or fighting something. When I felt her heart rate go up I just told her the she was asafe and didn't have to worry and she immeadiately calmed down. It was nice. Then I had to wake her up.
That's where my night really went bad. She had to get up so she could go over to Jeanne's to go with her to Bible study. Well, Jeanne was suppossed to go to church with us Sunday, but she never showed up at work so I could take her. So Kim leaves and I've got like 1.5 hours before I have to be to work. I show up at work like ten minutes before my shift starts, right in the middle of when the Bible study is suppossed to be going on, and they are there. Kim and Jeanne and Matt. I was so mad. Jeanne said she didn't know where the pastor's house was, but she'd been there before. Plus she was in talking to Denise when I went back and she told Denise that she didn't feel like going to Bible study. I've just had enough. I understand there are cetain things that she can't control, but it still doesn't change the fact that sometimes I want to put her into a headlock and run her face first into a wall!!! And I'm not even a violent person. I've had it with her and the runors she spreads and the selfishness and what she has been doing to Kim lately. I gave up on her, but I can't get Kim to. So I think I'm going to go talk to her when she gets out of work tomorrow. I don't know how it's going to go, but I guarantee you that in two or three days, she will want me to be her friend again, or our enitre conversation will be whittled down to one little insignificant point about something stupid. hear we come brick wall.
Of course I was feeling all of theis during the first part of my shift. Robin did a lot to cheer me up. I stayed with her and helped her finish paperwork. So many new people at work. Now would be the perfect time to get a new job.
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gimmie a ring
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