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2003 6 December :: 9.14pm
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: "Choose Life" - Big Tent Revival
Crushed.
I guess I am crushed. Crushed by the weight of it. Do you know what I am talking about? Do any of you understand the longing? It's so unhealthy, and I know shouldn't be fixating on it. You all can see it too. You all can see how I do this. It does take some time for this to develop. I guess it's been about a year. It's been a year since I let myself be crushed. Is it time again? Is it time for me to venture out there, see if there is a chance, then get rejected and come back here for another year. Of course there may be nothing there. It may just be cordiality. I show respect, and get it in return. That may be all that it is. Somebody thought that it was true though. And I keep living in the fantasy. I guess, I do this more than I would like to admit, but it doesn't go beyond me very much. The first time it did, I didn't have a choice. And that still lingers with me to this day. That's why I went to see that soccer game this fall, because I still feel it. I'm just setting myself up for disappointment. The only time anyhting ever worked out, if you can call it working out, this obsession wasn't there. It either wasn't there or it was completely different. What am I to do? Fret, fret, fret. By not exposing myself I only make it worse. I only make this feeling inside me grow until I just want to cry out my desires. I want the tears of frustration come for letting my heart do this to me. But exposing it makes it just as dangerous. So equally dangerous, but at least I should be able to move on. I should, if it really is a fantasy, just develop a hatred for the situation, and let it drift from my mind. I guess that is my problem. I can't think those thoughts about that person right away, and the hatred builds, unconfessed, and I distance myself. Which ends up hurting them. It is better if it stays within.
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2003 6 December :: 9.08pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: "Lonely Road of Faith" Kid Rock
One of Many
For my whole life I have been one of many. In high school I was one of whatever number were in my class. I was one of three tubas, one of three class representatives. I was one of X number of kids in band. Now I am one of 450 history majors at my school. One of 20,000 students. I guess all I really am is one of a larger and larger sub set. It's really depressing to think about it that way.
But through all that I was always one of one. I guess that is what I miss right now in my life. I am not one of anything. I was one of softball assistant. I was one of someone that loved. I was one of someone who was loved. That was nice. I think that may be the only way to get that back. To get back my uniqueness.
You learn so much over so much time, but in history, people have common reactions. Each of us is part of what is happening right now, but we are part of a larger trend. In the future, we will only be one of someone in a trend, none of it really matters unless none of us exist, then there are no trends.
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2003 1 December :: 7.46pm
Well on the way down here, I was at DeVos Center in my last post, now I am in Allendale at Kirkof, I was thinking about history. Specifically I was thinking about woohu history. I think someone needs to write the history of Woohu. Of course my little idea centers around me writing, but hey, I'm me. It could be simple, or it could be complicated. One chapter I thought we, or I, should include is "The Day that Woohu was Silenced" In reference to it being blocked by CS schools. Or perhaps another incident, "The day Andy decided to see if Teachers are really Dumb- The Dolbee Affair" Besides that, If we can show that your offshoots, specifically WoohuLyrics, Bzoink, and your new EmotionDump.com, grew tremendously right away, it may generate interest in other Hypodermic Media productions.
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2003 1 December :: 6.17pm
:: Mood: tada
:: Music: "Live and Let Die"- Paul McCartney
Supple
Supple everything. Supple is like gizmo. O Shintz. Beautiful.
Well, I got my paper written, it's utter crap. I'm so afraid for my tutorial with my professor because he is going to rip me to pieces. I can't believe that I was actually able to put together five pages of BS with notes and everything. I remember at the beginning of the semester I couldn't barely BS three pages. At least I learned a new skill.
I guess I've fallen into the college student doldrums. This semester has not had anything terribly stimulating that makes me want to stand up and SHOUT! C'MON NOW! SHOUT! I digress. Not like last year when I had my liberal arts class and philosophy. I guess I could try to connect it all, but that would be too hard. Next semester does not seem to hold too much promise either. At least after next semester I'll be one class away from being done with my minor.
It sucks that our football team has to play in Texas. I guess Mark and some guys were thinking of going on a road trip if they make it past that. It would be nice to go to another national championship game as a fan, and actually get to see the game and not have to sit in nose bleed seats, sprint down the bleachers with a sousaphone on, only to have to sprint back up them, and see the opposing team tie the stinking game. Does that still bother me? Yeah, a little.
So I got to train at work yesterday. Some whiny 29 year old single mom. Why do we always get the winners? First thing she says to me, go slow because I was in a car accident and I have a slight concussion. I think she thinks I hate her. Of course, everyone at work knows that I am a complete jackass most of the time. Right Connie (well except to the girls I like ;) )?
I've decided to take my weeks' vacation, yes, that's right after 22 months of working in that place I finally get paid vacation, the week after Easter. Mostly because that is also right before the week of exams for winter semester. That, and I don't want to take it during the summer because I probably won't be working there anymore and I don't want to have worked there for 2+ years and not gotten any benefits, save raises, at all.
Am I complaining about work too much? Oh well. Hey and Jones. Hey Jones. Haigh and Jones. The English Reformation(s). Great, paper sucks.
Props out to Liz for making our presentation much better. That was awesome, considering I typed the damn thing up in like 45 minutes last night when I was dead tired and mad because she hadn't gotten online yet. I figure we'll get full credit because Judy is such a good grader ;).
I've got a Pilgirm lesson plan coming up in my Diversity class. Yeah, our "brother" Melvin is doing the PowerPoint. Tammie doesn't think we should trust him to do it, especially since Natalie is going to be involved. I trust them. Natalie did some good work on the Recess presentation, they just can't see it because they're too busy being bitchy. Say that three times fast: Busy Being Bitchy!
Everytime I think I am getting lonely again, I just have to remember to stay strong. Perhaps it's a general trend that I think that girls are more friendly too me when those feelings of loneliness come back. It's like they have to flirt with the guy that they know they don't want, but just want to toture him because he's lonely. Of course if I wasn't such a pansy, then I would take control, flirt back and see if there was some real interest there. But we all know why I can't do that.
I fell like my History class has caused me to view the world like the Giver. That was a great book. It's one of those that I am really glad that they made us read in school. It's a great transition story, even if it is kind of out of this world and science fiction. Actually, now that I think about it, The Giver was anti-communist propaganda. The society that the boy lived in was completely socialist. There were women who were breeders, and others who were assigned children. Sounds like something Hillary Clinton would enjoy since it does take a village to raise a village idiot. No, but then people were assigned careers by the government. Their sexual desires were supressed by the government. Everyone was absolutely uniform. But then the boy steals the little baby, and as he travels farther away, things become more like it is in America. Clear, crisp, snowy, with a mother at home. The American ideal, an idyllic picture.
"Sunshine was he
In the winter day;
And in the midsummer
Coolness and shade."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
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2003 14 November :: 10.11am
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