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2005 3 November :: 3.37pm
Also I was thinking that today would be a very good day just to sit on your trunk and drink a beer.
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2005 3 November :: 2.42pm
So, Part Deux I guess. Not really a continuation. Sort of a middle ground, unrealted to that of the first, although it has the same inspiration, and perhaps the same heartbeat in terms of rapidity of thinking and writing.
Today is an absolutely beautiful day. As I was driving (I do a lot of thinking while I'm driving) I was considering different things about my life and how good things are now compared to how bad they were and I still felt that little tinge of depression lingering. But then after my adrenaline experience, I feel much better, much more alive. I feel like today is such a beautiful day. Such a rarity in life. A 70 degree day at the beginning of November. I can smell fall, much more than i could before. And the sunshine was intense, not intense as in sunburn intense, but as in warm enveloping intense.
So with that in mind, my exam completed and me feeling pretty damned good about it, I strolled. Granted the walk is not long. A few minutes at most a regular pace. But I may have stretched it into 5 or 7 minutes, maybe even ten. If that's one thing that Mica has noticed about me is that my pace changes according to my mood and not always in the same ways each time. While I was strolling I had some of the most curious thoughts. Race for one thing. Such as "If February is Black History Month, does that mean that March-January are White History Months?" That sprang up from a thought I had about perhaps celebrating my whiteness. African-Americans celebrate their ancestry in the way of Kwanza, and they celebrate their physical skills at things like basketball and thuggery (not an insult, but what is gangsta rap really?). Why shouldn't I be able to celebrate my heritage and attributes as a white person? I want Christmas back in the schools. Or I want my quiet demeanor and intellect celebrated. I would prefer it. I know it all sounds extremely racist, and on the surface it is. It's not about me having personally held beliefs in these things, but damnit I want the system to be fair. Something on Scarborough Country last night (now in general I like the guy, but I think he's been high jacked by his producers into putting crap like the missing persons stories on, I'd much rather hear his political analysis since he is a former Congressman) piqued my interest. Something about the ACLU sueing over a group of Catholic students praying at a high school. That doesn't suprise me, although the American Civil LIBERTIES Union should be standing up for the rights protected in the Constitution, not trying to tear them away. What got me was that Joe said that if it were a group of Muslim students offerring up a prayer that the ACLU would be there to protect them and that no one would sue over that. The more I thought about, the truer that thought became. It also occurred to me last night that since when did people of color become the "minority in the world." Most definitely in the United States, each separate group, African-Americans, Hispanics, Arab-Americans, Chinese-Americans, and Japanese-Americans, are all a minority to Caucasians in this country. However, are people of color really a minority? In the world they certainly are not. Only in the west? Not so much anymore. Come to think of it, France is having a problem with it's immigrant community right now as a matter of fact (check it out, civil uprising in a western country, doesn't happen often).
But I have to get back to the lovely story of walking in the warm embrace of the sunlight. Then I noticed that people were looking differently at me. Not the way they usually look at me. Like I had bright blue paint all over me. But I didn't. I am wearing khakis today. Not a traditional move for me, since I am more of a jeans guy (you could say that, I think this is the first time I've worn anything but jeans to class ever). Was it that people were looking at me differently just because of the pants I was wearing? I mean I could understand it if these were people I knew and that were used to me dressing in certain ways, but they weren't. Maybe I just had a different attitude about myself, being dressed a little better, today and I have a big ego and thought that more people were looking at me. Either that or I was kidnapped last night, woke up before they had completely recreated my living environment, that's why the power was off so everything didn't have to be detailed because it would be dimly lit. Then Everyone I've encountered so far today is just an alien stand-in testing me for my reactions to certain stimuli. And they are all looking at me because they are observing me. I also have other evidence that I won't mention here to support this. It is however, extremely unlikely.
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2005 3 November :: 2.13pm
A lot of things on my mind and I'm not sure I'm going to cover them all because I may forget. So this may be a little disjointed as I figure out in my head exactly what I want to talk about.
What's got me like this? Nothing like a little adrenaline baby. So, I haven't gone to my social science research methods class since our last exam. Mostly out of arrogance, but also out of the fact that I just don't like it and I have better things to do with my time. So I went today because today was the second exam. Yeah, not so good to skip ALL the classes between two exams, but I did. So yesterday I started studying for it. Mind you now, I haven't been to class for almost four weeks, so I have had no exposure to this material. There was one point in time that I actually did feel bad about not going and read a little in the book (more out of curiosity than real concern). So, no class and little reading is not the combination that you want to have when going into an exam. So last night I ended up falling asleep sometime after eleven. I did get some studying done, but not a whole lot (although I did start reading the book that I have to have done for my Modern China class next week). Let's face it, I'm a procrastinator. I will do everything but what I'm suppossed to do until right before I have to do it. Flash ahead. 6:30am this morning. Mom wakes me up. We have no power, power completely out. So I lay there until she leaves and then Mister Bright Idea me figures it out. Last night I started to write my notes for the exam on my computer. Mind you now, my laptop has an extremely low battery life because the battery is four years old and has been recharged too many times. So that was completely out of the question. Usually if I can't use my laptop I end up getting online with it, putting my stuff on BB and then reaccessing with my home computer. But since we had no power, couldn't do that either. So here comes the bright idea part: I decided to go to work. Okay, doesn't seem like a viable option for most of you, but it was for me. I went to work where I was able to plug in my laptop, listen to music (stereo in the dining room), and be in relative peace because the store was not yet open and everyone works in the back room until then. So yes, smart me goes to work and studies for almost two hours. Then I figure, "Hey, I'm in town and I'm going to the bank, maybe I should stop by Mica's house and wake her up." Well that plan utterly failed as soon as I turned onto 17 Mile and I saw her going the option direction in her car (honey why you do that to me?). So then blah, blah, blah. Fast forward to me getting ready to leave my house. The power came back on while I was gone so I did have access to my printer now. This is especially important because I have no exporting capabilities on my laptop except printing and uploading to another computer directly or the internet. So I go to print my stuff right when I have to leave (procrastinator), but then I remember that my printer is either out of ink or the cartridge is dried up because I don't use it enough. So I have to be quick like a bunny. The plan was to leave an hour before i had to be there so I had about 15 minutes or so to study before the class started. So I couldn't print my notes. I wasn't going to bring my laptop with me because it would have just been impractical. This is followed by panic because traditionally my laptop does not like to connect to the internet easily. It always needs a little coaxing and takes awhile to connect. Well, I figure, I've got enough time. It's the middle of the day, traffic won't be so bad, I can make it there in 35 minutes. No problem. Of course, I did have problems connecting, eventually got it transfered to the other computer and printed. So I embark for school. I get behind this guy on White Creek that must have seen a 3 for the 5 on the 50mph sign. It's really annoying because when you are going south there is only one spot to pass, and it's very short. Get on the highway. there is a sign at Post that usually says something about construction ahead, or something like that. Instead, today it says "Speed Limit 45mph, Trucks 20mph." I'm thinking "Great, traffic is goign to suck." Well I drive and nothing is getting bad, until I get just past West River. It seems they closed the left lane right before the ramp I need to get off of. So everyone is trying to get into the right lane. At this point, I'm sitting stopped on the expressway, 3/4 of a mile from my off ramp (aka freedom) with twenty mintues to get to my class. So I'm thinking, "Great, going to be late to the exam for the class I haven't been to in four weeks." Well, I find a parking spot (not any easy thing to do, maybe another entry), and truck it across campus. I get to the building I'm going to, and I had grabbed a dollar out of my wallet while I was walking. I needed water because I was already cottonmouthed before I basically power walked across campus, now I was even worse. It must have been a sight. I was holding my typed notes in one hand and my dollar in the other, trudging in a hooded sweatshirt and khaki's across campus on a 70 degree November day. I get to the hall and the stinking vending machines won't take my dollar. Oh well, can't waste time on these things, already five minutes late for the exam. So I walk in and get the exam, everyone is already taking the test so I don't have to worry about those weird "where have you been" questions from my classmates. So I take it and sit down. Honestly I think the professor was downright suprised to see me. I went tright ot work on it. No use in letting that momentum from chugging it float off into nowhere by getting settled in. I went right to work. Before I knew it, I had answered the entire first page with no problem. Frankly I think that that was a bigger suprise to her than me showing up. Because the seat I got was right there in front of her and she could very well have watched my progress if she had wanted to. So that leaves me here, some thirty minutes past when I started this and I am still tense, although not banging things out quite as quickly as I was when I first started. Okay, everything else I wanted to say needs to be broken off into a separate entry because this one it just plain too long.
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2005 28 October :: 6.07pm
Following a discussion I had at work the other day about old Nickelodeon shows, I went back to do some research. I think they really need to go back and dig out the reel-to-reel of some of the old episodes. There is an entire under culture movement on the internet that is screaming for either: 1. A release of old Nickelodeon shows, or 2. That Nick scrap it's current shows and go back to the old ones.
Personally, I don't care. My favorites were the Tomorrow People and Welcome Freshman.
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2005 20 October :: 10.19pm
For some reason, every Thursday night I feel in an expansize mood. I feel re-energized, like I am at peace with the universe. I'm not sure what it is. It could be several things. It could be my class. Modern China is such a mystery to me. I have no point of reference for it, so everything that I learn is new. Or perhaps it is the effect of learning about another culture. That could be what is causing this. Not because I know so much about Latin America, but because it is so western, it doesn't seem like another culture. It could just be the night. Coming home with everything all dark and lights in my eyes. I don't see the night as much as I used to. The night is just so romantic. It's the time in between. You know that the sun is going to rise again, but you don't know what to. A new day with new possibilities. If you're like me, in the light, you're very skeptical that tomorrow will change the world, but night is like a dark tunnel that has a certain exit, but not a certain destination. Because every Thursday, I listen to WAY FM (I listen to it most of the time anyway), and when I get to the curves right before the Fruitridge exit, I just get that overwhelming feeling. I just feel God's presence in my life and the over arching completeness of His love.
That brings me to another note that I have been want to touch on. It may not seem, especially for the last little bit, that I recognize the impact that God has on my life. It is true, that many times I don't. I've been so worn down lately, so angry at nothing, and yet at everything. So it is not easy to see the impact that He has on my life. That is my fault and I should endeavour to do better. But it's not about that even. Because I recognize, every single day that if it wasn't for Him, I wouldn't be hear. If it wasn't for His blessings, I wouldn't be the person I am.
I also got another response from Kim today. Things are getting very strange inside my head now. And I wouldn't be posting this if I thought you were going to not understand my words. For me, it's almost a pity now. I pity Kim so much. It's not that I am just that arrogant to think that I could have given her everything, or done anything about what is happening with her family, but I could have been there to at least see her through it. No, actually, a lot of it is arrogance. Because I felt the same way about Shari. Things haven't turned out the greatest for her, but their not the worst either. So I guess I am just arrogant in thinking that they lost their shot at happiness when they lost me.
And that, friends, brings me to my very last part of this entier ramble tonight. I don't have to worry about that with Mica. I don't have to worry about being arrogant, I don't have to worry about being tired. Everytime I see her she puts a smile on my face, and not just because she's my girlfriend. If she was my friend she would probably do the same thing. She might possibly be the funniest, smileyist (is that a word), jovial girl that I have ever known. And I'm not just saying that to score extra points either. It's something that I don't even come close to deserving. My only hope, as we go further is that I can meet her expectations.
So everyone have a good night, because tomorrow will be a brand new day.
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