"Sometimes you have to lose it all, to discover what it's all about."

today was a rainy day...kinda glad...needed a day to just chill and rest.

last night i spent with gary, we walked around our neighborhood like 10 times just talking about anything and everything. he made me feel a lot better though, but think at the same time about things...

i love chris, i always will. but i know that this happened for a reason, i know that i'm becoming a stronger person, that i'm realizing what i wanna do with my life, and i need this time...and i know if we were meant to be, it'll happen. it was great while it lasted, and all i can do is be strong and look back on it and say, hey that was fun we had some good times and i learned a lot, about love, about life, about myself...and mostly about him. i'm still trying to be mad and i can say shit about him to make myself feel better...but it's not working, and i know it's no use to do that. cuz yeah he's not perfect, but no one is. i don't wanna cry anymore, i don't wanna sit here every night looking at his picture and have tears because i miss him...and yes i will always miss him, and i know that he's started to move on...and you know what, i'm strong enough to move on too. I will always love chris, always, he was my first love, he treated me WONDERFUL, and i was lucky to spend two years of my life in a relationship with him, and more being his friend. I do hope that we can still be friends, but i know it will take time and be hard for us...I just know I can't be his friend if he doesn't want it. I'm thinking about writing him a letter...just to tell him how i feel and everything...but maybe i should say it to his face...i dunno, we'll see. I haven't seen him since we broke up...good thing, i've been a mess. But i'm a lot stronger, and i know if i face him, i will keep it together be myself, and show him that i'm fine. I'm living every day to it's fullest, and i'm happy with who I am...

on a better note, gary and i talked and it was good, he got things out he wanted to talk about and we both we're glad we're talking again, i'm excited for him to be done with school so we can hang out a lot and have fun :-) lol we decided we're gonna live together after college in a house, with a dog, but not get married and just date whoever...but do nice things for eachother too. lol he was very encouraging while we were talking, and i know that next year in college i'm gonna have a lot of fun and be able to meet a lot of people, and just do my own thing.

I talked to chris on the phone the other day, told him i had his books and asked if he wanted them...he said eventually...meaning he doesn't want them now cuz he doesn't want to see me lol i'm not dumb. but...we had a good convo, just kinda chatted...it was nice to talk to him. i told him to call me friday when he was off, told him we could meet up for lunch or something...just talk maybe. but...who knows...

i hung out with daren again today, that kid cracks me up. we had fun, went to the mall and he bought some shirts, then just chilled at his house and talked...it's so nice having guy friends to hang out with...i missed em...no drama, just whatever...lol

well i'm tired and kinda cold so i'm off to bed...i pray it doesn't rain tomorrow...i wanna go out tomorrow night :-P

k

never thought i would feel like this...lost, alone, scared...like you never cared in the first place

Although we've come to the end of the road
Still I can't let go,
It's unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you

Here, here I am again
And I'm starin at these same four walls
Alone again
And now, all the colors blend
And I'm growing numb
And I've become this empty page
Hold on, its tragic
Stumbling through all this static
I just wanna talk to you
And my broken heart just has no use
And I guess promises are better left unsaid, yeah
Everytime you try to tell me
You say the words that I'm the only
But I'm the one who's crawling on the ground
When you say love makes the world go 'round

Oh, the things lovers do when it's over
Oh, the things lovers do when it's done
Find a cool bottle or a warm shoulder
Wake up older
And try to move on

~~~~~~~

SOMETIMES I HAVE TO TELL MYSELF TO KEEP ON BREATHING
MY HEART IS NOT BELIEVING YOU’RE GONE
I TRY HARD TO REMIND MYSELF TIME WILL DO THE HEALING
‘CAUSE RIGHT NOW I’M NOT FEELING ALL THAT STRONG

EVERYTHING’S A MEMORY
AND THEY’RE TAUNTING ME
JUST ONE SIMPLE THING
AND I’LL BREAK DOWN AND CRY

CHORUS:
WHY I WANNA SCREAM IT’S JUST NOT FAIR
PRAY TO GOD I DIDN’T CARE
I WANNA TURN BACK TIME
TURN BACK TIME AND HAVE YOU HERE WITH ME
I WANT TO FIND SOMEONE TO BLAME
BUT SOMETIMES LIFE GETS IN THE WAY
AND IT DOESN’T CARE HOW MUCH WE LOVE
‘CAUSE SOMETIMES LOVE IS JUST NOT ENOUGH

OH WE TOOK A CHANCE WE GAVE IT ALL WE HAD AND COULDN’T MAKE IT
IT DIDN’T WORK FOR ALL THE TIMES WE TRIED
NO MATTER HOW WE LOVED, IT SEEMED THE ODDS WERE STACKED AGAINST US
NOW WE HAVE TO LIVE OUR SEPARATE LIVES

WELL I’M NOT READY YET
TOO MUCH TO FORGET
OH IT STILL FEELS LIKE
A PART OF ME IS DYING

guess you can tell what i'm thinkin...just wish it would go away...

k

"Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up, these are the best days of our lives." ~the Ataris

well folks...summer '05 has begun and we've got it made :-)

these past couple weeks have been rough...i've been through a lot, but have come out as a stronger and a more experienced woman. going through the last days of a relationship i fought so hard to keep together, then finals, then the last day of my first year at college...leaving two of my bestfriends...no my sisters...to come home for the summer. but i've begun patching many friendships that i've missed the past few years and making a progress at becoming my own person, without anyone holding me back.

i had a best friend when i came to lakeview, someone who i hung out with every day and did everything with, even if it was just sitting outside hanging out, or watching movies with at night, or looking at the stars...but we did it together, and that made it ten times better. after starting high school we kind of went our own ways but still kept small talk and remembered the good times every once in a while together. I came back knowing that i would talk to him a little bit...come to find out, we're in the same boat. both just outta long relationships and figuring out what we wanna do with the rest of our lives...wanting to have a great summer...together. talking to him my second day back was awesome, we talked about going on road trips, to movies, and anything else we could do together. i have a friend who lives two houses down who i can talk to about anything, knows me really well, and likes to do things that i do...what more could i ask for this summer. well...besides chris...

i miss him a lot. a ton. every day, every second...right now. i called him and talked to him seeing how he was doing...didn't seem too excited but he's not good at showing emotions so maybe he was just holding it all in. who knows. i know that i am beginning to realize what i miss though. not the relationship we had the second semester in college...i miss us a year ago...staying the night at his house, talking for hours on the phone, spending every minute together on the weekends doing nothing...sitting or driving around. i told him for years that i didn't wanna be together b/c i didn't want to ruin our friendship...man i was right. i don't regret any of it, i'm so glad that i finally was able to be with him, it was the happiest moments of my life...but things change...like us. i know we are two different people now, and things just weren't working out...i just hope whatever happens is for the best and i will still have him in my life...even if it is just as friends for the rest of my life. i love him, i always will. and i want him to be happy.

it's so strange to be home...but it's great at the same time. my friends are so awesome, it's great to see kane and traci and gary and everyone...i love em all, and this summer is gonna be great with them. i hope that i can hang out with mike and chris and those guys...it'd be nice to do that again...prolly going to be weird but great after a while.

i miss mair. a lot. i talked to her twice on the phone today and just saw her on yesterday! but i told her this was our first official day of not seeing eachother the whole time. it's sad to think that i can't just walk in a door and talk to her about my whole day, or see her and have her do the same...it has to be over a phone...i don't like it. i mean i went from being with her every day...to maybe every other weekend. well she's coming down this weekend to stay with me and kane and gary and becky...so that should be fun. just a bunch of my good friends hanging out :-) i'm excited. i don't know what i'd do without my friends...any of them. i love you guys and thank you for everything you do for me.

well i have to get up and call my dad, i'm supposed to be getting the plates and stuff with him tomorrow for my car...god i can't wait to get my car! i am gonna go see kane while she babysits and hang out with gary...then on friday mair is coming down! yay!! can't wait to see her! and it's only been a day...man this summer is gonna be long...but awesome :-) well...i need a job, but i don't really want one :-P but i really hope i get one, cuz...i need the money! haha well i'm gonna get to bed...glad i updated...night

well today i kind of had a little breakdown...oops...but oh well...it happens!

i woke up this morning feeling alright but kind of tired, i walked a SHIT load today and rushed everywhere i had to go...i finally got home from my 2nd class at 3 or so and missed my mom who was already at work...so i left her a message then ate dinner with becky and mair and before i knew it i was off to class again! ahh!! it's like it never ends...i'm getting up and going to work tomorrow and then i have 2 classes then my weekend starts...my only weekend i'll have saturdays off from doing anything before i start working at the hospital...oh well tho...i think after i get my groove in and start getting used to everything it won't seem so overwhelming and exhausting, which is good to think about :-)

i went running tonight with becky for about a half an hour, it was nice but i need to do it more often...like every night that i can b/c i need to get into shape and i think it'll help clear my mind a lot! so yeah...that's my new years resolution...for now

but i don't have much to elaborate on now...my thoughts were inturrupted by becky and mair and I's conversation...english not workin well there but you know what i mean...well i'll write more tomorrow...g'night!

well i'm sitting here getting ready for bed and thinking of some things...

today wasn't very accomplishing...so i won't go into much detail of it...but it was still an okay day! hey! i learned how to crochet! it's very difficult i found but i'm excited my mom taught me...i found i don't really have to think about much but it's a challange but relaxing at the same time! at least i found something i'm good at as far as on my mother's side! lol :-D maybe i'll get good and make scarfs to sell...haha!

tomorrow will be one "official" year for me and chris...but feels and will be a celebration of so many more than that for us. we've made plans to have dinner/lunch...LINNER...as we called it lol at the olive garden and just spend some time together which will be nice :-) as always! though i think tomorrow might be different just knowing that i've made it this far in my life in a relationship with someone i love so dearly...it's an inner celebration of my own...he's someone i know that i can count on no matter what, and i know he loves me and i love him now so much more than i ever could've dreamed...yes it's mushy and whatever else you may call it...but it's happiness to me...and that's all i care about! :-)

i've been reading this book lately called "i am charlotte simmons"...it's a gift i recieved from chris' mother for christmas and i've had time to read so i decided to give it a shot, and i've throughly enjoyed it since i've started! it's about a girl that grew up in a small town and has kind of been sheltered b/c of her parents but a GENIUS! she gets accepted to a high status college called Dupont University, and discovers it's not as all what she had expected! well...i can definently relate on that one..but i don't think i was as sheltered as this girl was, but i know that there are people like her and other characters in the book that are real and actually go through these things...but i'll keep ya updated on interesting points in the story! :-)

one more day or so then it's back to state...i'm pretty excited but i know i'm going to miss home but i think this semester is going to be a lil bit different then the last and...i'm looking forward to it :-) my goals are to do really well in all my classes...i KNOW i'm capable of doing well and i want to make sure that i put my best foot forward and accomplish all that i'm able of doing, i plan on taking good care of my self and not stressing out and only worrying when it is absolutely neccessary! besides...stressing out is for people who don't have control over their lives...that's NOT me! i think volunteering at the hospital next semester is going to be a good experience as well...and i'm really excited to do that as well! one more step closer to my dream of working with people in the medical profession...and that's what i'm trying to do! :-D

ok i'm rambling on now but i'm gonna go to sleep after i read for a while b/c chris is calling me in the morning to wake me up and i think we're going to hang out maybe before we go eat but i dunno for sure...so i hope everyone has a great weekend and is safe!

kane take good care of my dogs!! :-D

lata

man...3 more days and i get to go back to living with heat in my life!! yay!! lol it's so cold in our house but i know my mom can't afford it so i don't worry about it...i'm kinda used to it by now!

i'm sittin here doing nothing...of course...but talking to christopher! i spent the night with him last night after we went and saw the movie "Closer"...it wasn't as good as i hoped and thought it would be! oh well...it was fun! he dropped me off at the moonraker today and my mom came and we had lunch...so that was cool! we had a nice time and even tho i'm sick of being home...i'm gonna miss her still! so now i'm sitting here freezing my butt off talkin to chris...i think after he goes i'm gonna go eat somethin or just go get in bed and read for the rest of the night...tomorrow i wanna work out but who knows how i'm gonna accomplish that one! lol i'll figure somethin out...man i can't wait till it's warm again!

i'm gonna buy a membership to IM East next semester so i can work out in between some of my classes and before some...it's close to a couple of my classes and not too far from my dorm so that'll work out cool...plus it's a lot nicer than IM circle so...it'll be nice! i really need to keep on that tho...i want to be in good shape by this summer!

well my mom's peeling an orange for me right now so i'm gonna go eat it! yay!

kail

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!

that's right it's a new year...woohu! i've been in Indiana for the past few days so it wasn't a very exciting holiday but good for me! i got to see a lot of my family which was cool! i missed them! my new year's was spent walking in the rain talking to my favorite person on the phone! so i'm not complaining...i got my new year's kiss through the phone and one when i got back! lol

seems like everyone has a new year's resolution...i dunno...last year wasn't that bad and i don't really want to change anything about myself...so what's my new year's resolution? well...pretty much this...
Be happy with myself, try to stay in good shape and take good care of myself, get good grades and figure out what i wanna do with my life! that's about it...i'm sure i'll be adding to the list...but the question is...which ones will make it through the whole year?! haha we'll see!

today i got up and called chris, he was in lansing with the twins so i just let him go and he called me when he got home, we went to pick up my BC and then we went to the mall so i could exchange the sweater that mairin got me for christmas b/c it was too small...they didn't have the size i needed so i got a sweater the same color just different style, so it was cool! i got a shirt and a couple tanktops and another pair of sweatpants at oldnavy! then we went to meijer and just walked around and stuff for a while which was cool! it was fun! hehe we've been havin a good time bein home and being able to see eachother so it's cool!

a BIG thing that happened today was that i recieved a phone call from my old friend Mike L. i had been meaning to call him and never got around to it...but he beat me to it...and i'm SO glad he did! it was akward at first but then it just seemed like we never had stopped talking for 3 years...we caught up on things, talked about learning from our mistakes and moving on, school and what we like and don't like...stuff like that! so yeah...it was a nice 45 min coversation that made my day...i missed talking to him...and it was very nice to do that again...

tonight i went with my cousin kyle and kaneface to see the movie shark tale! it was GREAT! haha i thought it was a good movie! i'm such a kid! :-P it was fun tho, i got to hang with my cool cuz and my awesome friend kane! yay!

well i tried calling my boy but he's just not pickin up his phone so i'm just gonna go get in bed in a lil while and go to sleep...so as they would say in the south...g'night ya'll! :-P

k-a-i to the l-e-y

wow it's been a while...since i've written in here, and since i've been to the tanner! lol i just got back and it was awesome! so relaxing! i even bought lotion...when i tan i feel better about myself so why the FUCK not! hehe

well things at state have been going great...at least at the end of every week :-P
i have been so busy studying and working my ASS off for my classes that i haven't had anytime for anything i feel like sometimes...but the last few days i've found time to fit in things...i'm getting more adjusted everyday and feel more at home every minute...it's taken a while but hey...look at how much my life has changed since i moved to MSU...i left home, my mom which has been my hope and my strength for 18 years...my dogs, my cat...ugh just everything i have been so used to...but they say that everyone has to move on sometime in life...and i did...and i'm so happy. i get homesick a lot...not as much as before but...i went home last weekend and i got back and this week has been hard, it just felt so nice to be home and everything....the ONLY crappy thing was...i didn't get to see kane...but hopefully she'll but up for a trip to see me in a couple weeks :-D (how bout it kane??) i miss her soooo much! we talked on the phone the other night and it's amazing how people that i didn't talk to when i left...i talk to a lot more now...and people i used to talk to every day...i don't talk to at all anymore. yeah i know that i live farther away and i'm busy with studying a lot...but oh well at least i'm not wasting my time here...i'm going to school to be something and be successful and happy in my life and that's all that matters!

so i'm stayin here this summer, i'm really excited, me and chris are finding an appartment to live in together, don't know who's gonna live with us yet...hopefully mairin :-D cuz i love having her around!! she cracks me the fuck up!! haha well i really need to go read now and i guess that's all i have for tonight! i have 2 classes tomorrow and then my momma is comin up!! yay!! :-D but mair is goin home but chris will prolly stay with me :-D so it's all good....but i'm outtie

lata dudes :-P

k

haha i'm so excited! today is friday and my week is over (almost...one more class :-P) and KANE IS COMING TO SEE ME!! her and my maja are driving up and gettin here about 2 so...yeah i got a chem lecture at 11:30 till 12:20 and then i'm gonna do my laundry and take a shower and stuff before they come up here...woohoo!

so yesterday was pretty good, i took my psy test...got a 76% on it...eh...i wish i could've done better but i was above the average and it's the first test so...oh well! but i got all done with classes then me and mairin went and ate dinner at holden with chris and then mairin went to her meeting and i hung out with chris! he helped me do some chem problems and then we did his laundry :-P how romantic! lol j/k! it was fun! so then we got done with his laundry and we walked to this garden by the library and sat on this bench and talked...ya know ;-) lol then he walked me home and ran back to his dorm...

so overall the week has got SOO much better already and i have a feeling it's gonna get even better! i get to see my mom and kane so i'm really excited! it should be fun, i haven't seen kane since i moved up here!!! that's like SO long! ah...but anyways...

so things seem to always be brighter after i'm not so stressed out...

chris and i have been doing GREAT lately...god...we're even talking about living together this summer depending on what our friends do...cuz i might just move in with him for the summer then me kane and maybe mair and her friend (depending on kane and mair's friend) might get an apartment...or house...i have to do some research this weekend on it but...it's exciting to think about...:-)

i love chris so much...and honestly...i would marry him...but you already knew that :-) i told him i've been thinking about it lately...getting married and what not...and he thought i had meant worrying about if it was going to happen or not and he said you shouldn't worry about it not happening...:-D ahh! i know i'm WAY too young...well not THAT young...to be thinking about it...but honestly...could any other guy love me as much as he does?....i don't think so....i know so! hehe well okay i'm gonna email my maja and then get around for chem after i eat something!

catch ya on the flip side!

k

so my day's been tiring...not bad...but busy. i was hoping to see SOMEONE today but of course that's not going to happen...oh well, what's new. i have a bad day...i don't get to see him...it happens, like always. so i'm sitting here almost in tears...i have no reason to really cry except i'm really stressed...

:deep breaths:

well i talked to my mom today and lauren, they are both coming up on friday which will be cool, i miss my mom like always and i REALLY miss kane, i haven't seen her in forever so it'll be great to catch up and hang with her...i'm excited

i have a psychology exam tomorrow at like 7:50 in the morning...woohu...i really hope i do okay on it...i've been studying like crazy for this test...prolly the reason i'm so stressed out...it's like i study and study so hard and i feel like i haven't learned anything...i don't know what to do...i love college but it's so overwhelming sometimes that i get so caught up in just studying...i don't feel like i'm doing anything else with my life...and the truth is...i'm not. i constantly study, i constantly read...and yet i don't ace my first two tests...how the hell does that work? i dunno...maybe i'm just too stressed and shouldn't think about it...not right now at least.

i've been thinking about marraige and family a lot lately...if i'll ever get married and what it will be like to have kids...and work hopefully doing something i love doing...god i hope that's better than everything i've been doing up to this point...and i think it will be.

i'm a mess right now though so i'm gonna leave it here...i'll write more later...

k

wow i haven't written in here in so long...kinda wish i have...but oh well here i am now!

so i'm in the process of my second week of college and it's goin alright...just really stressful! i really have so much reading to do and other things that i don't know where to even start!! it's really tough and i haven't been doing anything BUT study...i dunno...i just hope i get into some kind of constant agenda here soon with studying...exams are gonna be here before i know it and i wanna be ready. i really want to do good in college...i mean i'm working towards what i'm going to be doing for the rest of my life...and i want to get a start on the right foot...not the left..lol hehe

well besides so much reading to do it's been nice...my roomate is really cool and i love havin her around...but i really miss my friends back home. traci came up this past saturday and it was so nice to have her around...even tho we didn't go out and do much, i just like hanging out with her...i miss her a lot :-/ ...i've been getting pretty homesick this week...after my mom left on saturday i almost cried...just because i didn't want her to go...it's really hard not having her around...and it's really doing a number on me...who knew that i would miss her this much...well...i did.

chris and i have been seeing a good amount of eachother lately...on the weekends anyways...the weathers went home for labor day so i got to spend more time with him, yay!! it was nice...things seem to being going well but...i'm not stressing out about it at all...i have school to focus on more anyways. i won't explain the whole story with what happened but in a nut shell...the first week we got here on like friday i went out with meagan webb and came home with a letter from chris sayin that he wanted a break...so that was that...then he ignored me the next night...i was really stressed out...but i told myself that i would be strong and get over it...so i was happy with how things were and let it go. the night after that we hung out and...he rode me home from his house on our bikes then i kissed him...well he got back to his dorm and asked me to forgive him...wow was i in shock! but happy at the same time...ever since then we've been doing pretty good. wala!

well today i went for a run after studying all day...and i still have more to study...but i'm on the phone with chris then i gotta call my mom later so i'll write later...

night