a long search for something i don't want to find

a long search for something i don't want to find

:: 2004 30 January :: 4.34 pm

everything around me has gotten better. the long painful darkness that has haunted me for so long is finally lifting. yet why is it i feel worse about myself now than i ever did at any point during that darkness? everything is within my reach, right in front of me, but i feel like i've already lost it.

i'm not looking forward to sunday. i've decided not to wake up that day. i'm going to take enough sleeping pills to let me sleep throughout the entire 24 hours. i don't need to see what the day would have looked like.

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:: 2004 28 January :: 10.03 pm

ick, i want to finish this chem lab report tonight since i have a show tomorrow night, since my experiment failed i have no data to use!!

god i can't wait to get out at 10:30 tomorrow.

the decision's been made, now what happens as a result of that decision depends absolutely on you.

And you have no idea.

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:: 2004 26 January :: 8.11 pm

you may not know the reasons for what i did, you may even be mad at me for it, but you don't seem to realize how well it worked and how much it helped you
My sister is using my arthritis again in one of her homework assignments. From now on I�m forbidding it from ever being used as another essay topic. I�m sick of the fact that it�s been turned into a school project.

This weekend was great. Friday and Saturday nights were perfect and Seafood the Nemo fish is sitting upon all my other pillows. Ivory the elephant is probably Corey's chew toy by now. I�m actually surprised I had fun at the IB party Friday since almost everyone there was people I don�t normally socialize with. Still, it was a good night even if Megan did end up on the injury list.

As much fun as I had then, Sunday was probably my favorite day because I spent the whole day cuddled under the covers, either reading or sleeping, and playing on the computer and having an almost all-day conversation with dave. :-) my grandpa came for lunch Sunday too and it is always the time when family visits to rehash all their favorite Danielle�s-screwups jokes. Grandpa�s good about them though, he usually takes my side. Today was way to long. I need to sleep. I don�t want to do this mountain of work that�s due Friday.

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:: 2004 24 January :: 5.43 pm

i got less than an hour of sleep last night and danced for eight hours today, yet when i finally lay down for a nap when i get home to my warm soft bed, i'm wide awake and unable to fall asleep. watch, i'll end up passing out on the ferris wheel and getting stuck on it tonight. great, my own body hates me now too.

oh yea, and i quit eagle-ettes again today. an interesting thing happened this time though: last time dicillo put on a huge show in which she guilt-tripped me and actually cried to convince to come back. that was before new york, though, and she knew she would never get there without me or my mom. now that new york's over, this time her response was "okay, if that's what you want to do." fuck you too, lady, you have absolutely no comprehension what i have gone through for this squad for the last three years and this year especially and for you to turn around and just completely not care in any way if i'm there or not is a slap in the face.

dad is doing his best to make the worst out of it too. he says i'm being a quiter and that i made a commitment to being an officer and i would be walking out of that. i have done more than any of the other officers combined, i have literallly cried and bleed over this team, battles have been fought over it between my mom and i that almost tore my family apart. things are finally starting to be repaired now and i can't afford and am not willing to risk throwing that chance away by trying to continue to "tough it out." i came back onto this squad as a favor to hillary, favor to dicillo, and favor to the girls and their new york trip. i have followed through with those commitments. as for the whole-year general commitments of being an officer, it figures that after i have put everything i have into making this work, and finally decide to cut my losses and step away before i lose the very beginnings i have of reparation of everything i've wanted, dad makes me feel like shit for my decision. i'm made to feel like a failure yet again.

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:: 2004 23 January :: 6.46 pm

okay good, so things are going back to normal again. i was getting worried there for a while that things might actually be looking up.

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:: 2004 21 January :: 10.38 pm

everything has been going so smoothly, and now in a single night i think i just created a half a dozen oncoming problems for myself.

goddammit.

i'm the only person i know who, when shit doesn't naturally fall on her, goes out looking for it to dump it on herself.

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:: 2004 20 January :: 8.00 pm

back from florida and as much as i loved the trip, it also reaffirmed my deep hatred of the cold and the fact that i will always live in florida. synopsis of the trip:

Thursday
- got to the airport at 6:00 am, didn't board until almost 9 but we all had fun in the airport. i was endlessly amused by the screens they had on each of the seats that let you listen to music and play a trivia game with other passangers.
- got to new york and almost froze our asses off before we got to the hotel. richelle, hillary, and kiera and i ended up getting the biggest room OUT OF CHANCE and got shit for it and people complaining behind our backs about it the entire trip.
- The Producers, with Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick. when matthew stepped onto stage he had to wait a whole minute before saying his lines because the entire theater burst into enormous applause. that is fucking awesome that you could walk onto a stage and get that incredible of a standing ovation before you even say or do a thing. hilarious show, recommend it to everyone, worth every penny of the tickets.

Friday
- dance class at Broadway Dance Center. the jazz class was fun but the funk one sucked.
- TRL. if you missed the show, screw you. jake is hotter than chad michael murray. i got my ass kicked for saying that.
- Movin' Out show. a whole play - strictly dancing, no talking - based on songs by Billy Joel. the dancers were incredible, i cannot believe they could dance like that for three hours straight.

Saturday
- sightseeing. shopped briefly in china town and ate dinner there.
- statue of liberty. cool but i wish we could have gone up it. pictures with five weird chinese guys.
- bought a shirt that my dad hates from french connection UK (FCUK for short.) i can't wait to wear it to school tomorrow
- The Met. incredible, that's all i have to say. i could have died happy upon seeing the egyptian temple and the exhibitions of greek and roman art.
- Empire State Building. we went at night, so of course it would have been really romantic and i kept thinking of Sleepless in Seattle. i wish i hadn't been with thirty girls there.

Sunday
- Dancing with the Rockettes. tour of the music hall.
- Hairspray the musical. actually a really good show, and pretty funny.
- ate dinner at Mars 21-12 and embarrassed myself by throwing my head back while laughing and knocking the whole tray of drinks out of the waitress's hands.
- senior night out. my lips are sealed as to the events of this night. i danced on stage, neener neener neener

Monday
- tour of NBC. no celebrity sitings unless you count the cast of Average Joe. actually, they were pretty hot
- more shopping
- cathedral of St. Patrick. i'm getting married there. i don't care who to or if even to anyone at all.
- came home to 80 degree weather perfectly happy. woke up to find that a cold front had swept in during the night. screw you too, God.

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:: 2004 14 January :: 8.31 pm

done packing!!!

leave for new york in less than 10 hours!!! (damn, i better get some sleep soon)

been watching the weather channel all night, i'm really kind of scared about this cold.

the only things i'm REALLY excited about this trip for:
1) the Producers tomorrow night with Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick!,
2) TRL!!
3) senior night out club-hopping in New York City!!!
4) partying in the hotel rooms at night

i went to the mall today to find something slutty to wear to TRL and clubbing but nothing really jumped out at me, but luckily i own quite a few "fun" outfits so i'm just bringing along some favorites.

lona gave me a C, the miserable bastard. i had a 79.3 % in the class and he gave me a C which made my entire semester average a C. i hope you're mauled by crazy horny monkeys.

i'm bringing along the written journal i used in ohio and haven't since i got back. it's pretty much going to be a vacation journal used for meditation in alternate locations. it'll be interesting to see what comes out by the end this time.

you all are going to be in class while i'm on TRL and eating Ray's Pizza. i laugh gloatingly over all of you.

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:: 2004 13 January :: 7.49 pm

comment of the day: if in the middle of your visit, your doctor starts talking about his philosophy on death, he's either about to deliver some very bad news or he's just a complete idiot (*cough*dr.goodman*cough*)

i should be packing, but for some reason i can't bring myself to start. packing huge winter clothes is such a pain in the ass. it figures that the one weekend we go to new york they are going to have the coldest temperatures they've had in over a century. my luck strikes again.

eilan's house got raided by the cops last night, baaad situation all around. he kind of scared everyone last night, but i hope he's doing better today, although i can't even imagine how sick he was when he woke up today. <3

that hurt more than you know to do, whether you believe that or not, but it had to be done.

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:: 2004 12 January :: 8.19 pm

FIRSTS

First screen name: Aphroditem17
First piercing/tattoo: abnormal needle phobia
First credit card: atm card followed by visa
First enemy: Richelle and Kelli Campbell
First concert: Gloria Estefan
First musician you remember hearing in your house: no clue

LASTS

Last big car ride: this is bad if i can't remember, i need to take a road trip...badly
Last kiss: saturday night
Last library book: damn Rasputin books i just returned six weeks late
Last movie seen: Big Fish
Last food consumed: steak and yoohoo, yum
Last phone call: Hillary
Last CD played: the mix i made a couple of weeks ago
Last annoyance: my sister
Last soda drank: sprite
Last time scolded: by the time i write the last one i'll have been scolded again
Last website visited: email

SHORT ANSWER

I AM: the redheaded devil of your worst nightmares
I WANT: very little and i can't even seem to manage that
I HAVE: a lot in material terms, little in emotional and even less still in mental
I WISH: men weren't allowed to talk or think, only to respond to commands and stand there looking pretty
I HATE: empty promises and pointless words
I FEAR: becoming my mother
I HEAR: MTV that my sister's watching and it's like a piercing into my brain
I WONDER: if just one of the countless fantasies i always build and play again and again in my mind will ever come true
I LOVE: my friends
I ACHE: everywhere, cold and dancing sucks
I ALWAYS: have a headache and an oncoming heartache
I AM NOT: everything good you think of me
I DANCE: much better in clubs than on stage
I SING: only alone, the dog gives me evil looks when i sing with her in the room
I CRY: in a dark corner with a stuffed raccoon
I AM NOT ALWAYS: good at saying what i want to say
I WRITE: fiction and journals (not the ones i write here)
I WIN: absolutely nothing
I LOSE: seemingly everything, all the time
I CONFUSE: what a guy says and what he really feels
I NEED: to get out of this house
I SHOULD: run away, have my memory erased, and start all over

YES or NO

YOU KEEP A DIARY: at many random times throughout my life, i started another one a couple of weeks ago and already stopped it for the time being
YOU LIKE TO COOK: does kraft mac and cheese count?
YOU HAVE A SECRET YOU HAVEN'T SHARED WITH ANYONE: then why would i write it here?

DO YOU...?

HAVE A CRUSH: too many, considering i'm not exactly single and able to pursue
WANT TO GET MARRIED: haven't decided
GET MOTION SICKNESS: nope
THINK YOURE A HEALTH FREAK: dear god, have you seen me with food?
GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS: let's think about this one...
LIKE THUNDERSTORMS: gorgeous
CURRENT HAIR COLOR: red (with blonde streaks that ARE NOT highlights!)
BIRTHPLACE: Floridian til i die

FAVORITES

NUMBER: 63/29
COLOR: green
DAY: Saturday
MONTH: October
SEASON: Fall
DRINK: well, back when i could drink....

PREFERENCES

CUDDLE OR MAKE OUT: make out
CHOCOLATE MILK, OR HOT CHOCOLATE: chocolate milk
MILK, DARK OR WHITE CHOCOLATE: milk chocolate, the original is always the best
VANILLA OR CHOCOLATE: chocolate

IN THE LAST DAY, HAVE YOU...

CRIED? yes
HELPED SOMEONE? yes
BOUGHT SOMETHING? yes
GOTTEN SICK? no
GONE TO THE MOVIES? no
GONE OUT FOR DINNER? no
SAID 'i love you'?: actually, i don't remember if i did
WRITTEN A REAL LETTER: no
TALKED TO AN EX?: yes
MISSED AN EX?: yes, although not as much
WRITTEN IN A JOURNAL?: no, except here
HAD A SERIOUS TALK?: yes
MISSED SOMEONE?: too many people, missed too much
HUGGED SOMEONE?: yes
FOUGHT WITH A FRIEND?: does boyfriend count?

WOULD YOU EVER:

Eat a bug?: nope
Bungee jump?: nope
Kill someone?: god knows i've thought of it
Parachute from a plane?: not sure
Walk on hot coals?: i'm not braindead
Go out with someone for their looks?: not if there's nothing else that i like about them
Be a vegetarian?: couldn't do it, hate vegies
Wear plaid with stripes?: as i don't wear plaid or stripes...
IM a stranger?: sure
Sing Karaoke?: dear god no
Get drunk off your Ass?: if i have a death wish. come to think of it....
Shoplift?: done it
Run a red light?: mom's totaled car and my near-death experience can attribute to that
Star in a porn video?: a private one
Dye your hair blue?: nope
Be on Survivor?: can't stand other people, especially being on an island with them
Wear makeup in public?: yes
Not wear makeup in public?: do so almost everyday, i'm a horrible female
Cheat on a test?: done it, although not recently
Make someone cry?: last night, but it was his fault so he really had no reason to cry. he made himself cry
Date someone more than 10 years older than you?: oh this is hilarious. was this question written in for me?
Stay up all night?: of course

HAVE YOU EVER:
Wished upon a star?: yes, until i realized that it never came true
Found a lucky penny? didn't bring me much luck
Had a dream come true?: i don't have many happy dreams
Been in love?: unfortunately with the one person who hurt me the most
Broke someone's heart?: i'm sorry
Had sex with a stranger: no sex period
Been turned on by someone of the same sex: well....
Snorkled: many times
Lied to a good friend: not proud of it
Danced in the rain: love it
Had sex on an airplane: eww
Swam with dolphins: yep!
Donated something: yes
Stolen something: again, not proud
Achieved a goal: it seems less and less as i get older
Made a snowman: god i can't remember the last time i did
Loved yourself: don't feel like depressing myself tonight so i'll skip this one

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:: 2004 11 January :: 6.12 pm

i would say it's been a bad weekend if there weren't some good parts to it

friday: disappointed myself. got a call from laura as i was going to bed, she was on her way home! someone took her saturday night work trip and she didn't know when the next chance for her to come down would be so she jumped in the car and headed home.

saturday: practice. for a long time. everlasting. boring. got out at 4:30 and went right to steve's. the steak dinner he had promised me wednesday and thursday for this night had never been mentioned friday or today so i knew not to expect it when i got there. i should have mentioned it, pointed out that the very first thing he'd promised to do since we fought he had ended up lying about again, but just as i was building myself up to his mom called to tell him that his aunt had died. perfect. the last time she had called when i was with him was to remind him that it was the anniversary that his dad had died. i need to start turning his phone off. anyway, we went to see big fish at the same time laura and alberto were seeing love don't cost a thing. the movie was great, but the references to age differences - two on an 18-28 difference exactly - and even comments about premonitions of the man's aunt and dad dying kind of made it uncomfortable throughout the whole time. anyway we stopped at denny's on the way back and it's extremely disturbing to realize that in four months you've only been to a sit-down restaurant twice with your boyfriend and both times were at denny's. the homemade grilled steak i was supposed to get that night turned into a stale sandwich at denny's. we went back to steve's where laura and alberto were meeting us and we all went to mary's because she was having a "bonfire party." laura and alberto had to stop at mcdonalds and a gas station on the way and meet up with richelle so she could follow them to mary's, so when steve and i got there ourselves and no fire had yet been built, i sat there for twenty minutes freezing my ass off by myself while steve, mary, and colby hunted for firewood. laura and alberto had apparently had a fight on the way there because she was pissed when they pulled up so the three of us piled into richelle's car to bitch about guys and give laura advice while the Masters of the Flame tried to build a bonfire. Scare of the night, richelle almost going headfirst into the fire. Awkwardness of the night: Alejandro showing up with katie (his ex-gf and the one that richelle kind of broke up between, also the one alejandro was still hooking up with while dating richelle). Second scare of the night: richelle becoming so enraged at alejandro and the whole male species in general that she attacked steve who happened to be the closest male and almost stabbed his eye out with her key. Nevermind, that was the high point of the night.

sunday: this was my only day to sleep in in the last week and the next one as well. in two weeks i was given one morning to sleep and my mom got me up at 10. i went over to alex's at noon and woke him up. must be nice to sleep that long. he barely moved the whole time i was there because he was so hung over and yet found energy to wrestle me as i was leaving, almost making me late to practice. after practice i came home to this wonderful and blissful home environment of mine and am comtemplating doing some homework. maybe not.

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:: 2004 2 January :: 5.13 pm

it's been a long time since i've written here, and what surprises me is that i haven't had an urge to. when i left for ohio, i took the journal david had bought me for my birthday that i had yet to use. writing with pen and paper for only yourself to see is a lot different then typing on a computer screen for the world to see. i had a lot of stuff to work out when i got up there, and i spent many hours at night writing, but i still feel that i've resolved very little. it wasn't until i was on the plane home that i realized that i had spent the entire week saying goodbye to something i should have a long time ago. i hadn't been ready to let go then, but i am now.

it was a relaxing week with the family, even besides all the deep meditation i kept going into. seeing my little cousin tyler and having him sleep over with us was the highlight of the trip. god i love that kid, would do anything for him.

christmas was perfect. it snowed all night christmas eve so we woke to a white christmas morning. i got some wonderful presents, as well as some money that later went towards a prom dress i bought the other night. yes, i know it's early to be buying a prom dress but i saw, loved it, and know i won't be wearing anything else so why not pick it up now?

coming home to florida was bittersweet. every time we return from out of state i get that happy floating feeling of coming home and i'm reminded of how much i love florida. i will never live anywhere else. the bitter part was that once the vacation was over, so was the truce between my parents and i that always happens when we're visiting family. i was getting yelled at even before we got home.

my parents and i went to alex's house for dinner. my sister didn't go because she was sick and alex was a little late because he had to work. after dinner and presents, i stayed a little longer after my parents left then headed out at the same time as alex, who was going to a movie with his girlfriend (he won't let me meet her because he thinks i'd tell all of my horrible stories to embarrass him, not that i'm saying i wouldn't). he called me at 1 am after he and his girl got out of the movie to see what i was doing and if i wanted to meet up with them, but i had curfew and i know his girlfriend was pissed that he was calling another girl at one in the morning.

monday was running errands and while i was out stopped by applebee's. i saw danielle for the first time all break and spent a while catching up with her. alex called me after dinner and i ended up going to his house to play pool for a while.

saturday night i met up with laura at applebee's, then was joined by cara, danielle, and eilan. after hanging out for a while the three couples hit a warehouse party - steve and i, laura and alberto, and danielle and alejandro. the party turned out to be pretty lame so we picked up some beers and hung out at steve's until i had to go home.

new year's eve was great. dad took me to lunch, then i went and played pool with laura, then to the mall to pick up the dress. i cruised over to jill's house and gave her her christmas present and hung out with her until mike came to take her out. i headed over to applebee's as steve was getting off work, then got a call from laura saying that the get-together at danielle's was cancelled for the time being. everyone was going to go straight down-town until after midnight then maybe go back to danielle's afterwards. lucky laura was heading over to alberto's to eat a pig. i didn't really feel like going downtown with a bunch of drunks wandering around since i couldn't drink myself, so i told laura and danielle just to call me afterwards about meeting up somewhere to hang out. laura called me once at 3:30 to tell me that danielle had gone to a party in lake worth and shut her phone off, so laura ended up spending the whole night with alberto, i with steve, and danielle wherever she was.

got home new year's day about 11:30 and just hung out for a while. went to cityplace with the family to see Cheaper by the Dozen, then laura came over for a little while. i finally stayed in for a night after she left.

steve didn't call me again yesterday like he said he would. he apologized today, which surprised me because he never acknowledges it when he does stuff like that. i still haven't gotten a christmas present from him and i'm convinced at this point that he doesn't have one for me and he's probably trying to put me off long enough so that i forget about it. i'm sick of this, i need to finally talk to him about it. i'm actually starting to get used to believing only about less than half of the things he says he's going to do, and that isn't how it should be. i'm risking a hell of a lot being with him, and if he doesn't care enough to make it worth it, if he doesn't care about me enough to put some goddamn effort into this relationship, then i'm not going to continue to waste both our time.

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:: 2003 20 December :: 10.41 pm

So so tireddddddd

didn't sleep at all thursday night, spent five hours finishing chem lab and half an hour studying. took the chem test friday morning in such a delirious state that i was alternating between giddy and randomly crying. then veronica gave me a hershey bar so i went to breakfast with dave on the second wave of sugar high. i started to come off it after dropping him off and got lost looking for mr.zupo's tailoring shop. was completely crashed by the time i got to steve's, so that right after he woke up i passed out. came home after he went to work to make dinner for my sister and i while my parents went out to a play with alex's parents. curled up on the couch to watch finding nemo all by myself, then met steve after he got off work and went to a party in boca. i ended up leaving by 12:15 because i still hadn't slept since wednesday night i was afraid of not being able to get home without falling asleep at the wheel. steve said he would call me today to hang out before he had to go to work and we would do christmas shopping today, but did i really hear from him? oh yea, he called at 2. he has to be at work at 4, i live a half hour away, and he calls at 2. by that time i had already been shopping for a while and was still in the boynton mall so i didn't bother to answer the phone. he's probably pissed at me but i dare him to comment on it the next time we talk, i'll rip him apart.

on the plus side, i put a deposit down on the prom dress i've had my eye on for six months now so that they would put it away for me and no one else could get it until i get the rest of the money.

went out to dinner and a movie at city place with my family. Something's Gotta Give was a tiny bit longer than it had to be but it was better than i thought it would be. dinner was the best sirloin steak i'd ever had at The Original Steakhouse. got a call from alex yelling at me for going out of town when we were supposed to be having our pool tournament this weekend. wow is that going to be pathetic. two people who suck at pool having a pool tournament.

damn i'm tired

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:: 2003 14 December :: 10.43 pm

what to say about this weekend...

friday was interesting. calc mock was good and i scared powers into giving me some extra points. didn't do anything when i got home, just hung around and listened to more yelling. dad lectured me for 45 minutes. i honestly tried to concentrate on every word, but after twenty or twenty-five minutes i had concentrated so hard that i burned out and the rest of the time was torture.

saturday was nice, very relaxing. i burned a new CD and i'm very excited about it. yes, in case you haven't realized by now, I am pathetic. had to go down to the parade pretty early to set up dad's truck but it wasn't too bad since it wasn't cold out. it was perfect. the parade was long and extremely tiring, but it was my last ever parade and i had a good time, other than the fact that kyle spent half the night hitting on me and the other half hitting on alisha (although i think alisha was being the more flirty one, it's just not right to walk up to a guy and turn around and ask him to unzip your dress, of course he's going to be pretty friendly then). my parents let me go out to eat with laura and the girls afterward and we ended up at ellie's diner after spending a half hour trying to get lauren to her car before realizing she had lost it. Yes, that's right. she lost her car. she parked it somewhere in delray beach and has no idea where. michelle had to drive her home last night. i wonder if she's found it yet. anyway, after a fight between michelle and hillary, at which point michelle and lauren left ellie's, hillary, richelle, laura, danielle harder, and i stayed for another hour and a half, then felt bad for taking up the waitress's table and went out and sat in hillary's car for another half an hour. most of the conversation was bitching about guys, laura and i especially. hillary drove me back to her house, bitching about michelle the entire time, and my dad and dixie picked me up from there (i hadn't taken my car to the parade).

this morning woke up to the lovely sight of hussein in custody and looking like shit, then richelle came over to work on tok and we had way too much fun with it. an intervention was needed to cut off our sugar supply. i have bite marks all over from her.

i'm exhausted but still have more work to do. i'm dreading tomorrow, but looking forward finishing my last real day of school before break. i need this break. alex tells me that six people from our work have quit or will by the end of the month, and i just found a message on my machine from henrik, my old manager. i think he wants me to work at least for the christmas holiday, if not longer, since he has virtually no help except alex and missy. i need the money, i'll call him tomorrow.

peace to all and much love to those who feel they have none.

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