a long search for something i don't want to find

a long search for something i don't want to find

:: 2004 15 November :: 10.58 pm

I had an epiphany today.

I don't want to be a veterinarian.

I love animals, I truly do and everyone who knows me knows that. However being a veterinarian my only contact with each animal would only be for a brief few minutes to examine and diagnose them and occasionally operate on them - none are very pleasant circumstances to enjoy the company of animals. Not only that, but it's a career entirely based within science, and I hate science. I'm not even good at science. So why am I pursuing a career that not only will I have to go through eight years of intensive science to get to but also deals with science every single day? Why not find a career that plays on my academic strengths?

I decided when I was six years old that I would be a veterinarian, ever since I found out what it was. Ever since then I've just accepted the given fact that that was what I was going to do. I've been in the mindset of pursuing a vet career before I was even old enough to know what other careers were, much less consider them. I've been so used to this fact that I never even stopped to wonder if I would ENJOY being a veterinarian. I don't think I would, I think I would go insane after only a few years.

So I looked for a major based on my strengths, then looked for a career based on that major that interested me. Guess what I found? My new career path is not only in a different direction, it's in a whole other galaxy. It's an academic path that I can do and be successful at, it's a career that's very exciting, and, from what I hear, a turnon?

Ha ha, not going to tell you.

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:: 2004 11 November :: 12.56 am

I've been thinking a lot lately, particularly tonight, and this is never a good thing. About time too, it's been too long since the last time I depressed myself, a whole two months.

I just wrote a lot about what's been on my mind, tonight and most nights, but I deleted it. I started this journal as a memory-keeper and as an outlet. Now I think it's become a crutch. Being a truly open person, or even just truly open with one special person, is being able to bare yourself without holding anything back. Although I have become more open than I once was, I am not as open as I would like to think. I have bared myself and I was about to do it again tonight, but I've been hiding behind a computer screen. I lay everything out on here which releases me from having to do it directly. I don't know why, whether I'm afraid of their reaction or I don't think I'll be able to say what I want to say right unless I have the time to put it together like I do here, but they're just excuses. Everything I have to say tonight should definitely be said, should definitely be shared because it's who I am, but not here. It's become too easy to say it all here and pretend that that's sharing and bonding, even if it's just with the people who read it (which, to the best of my knowledge, is only five people, and one of them I wouldn't exactly call a friend. Even using this as a crutch I've still resisted telling people about it.) Only about half - if that - of everything I've ever posted here I would actually be able to say to someone if I was face-to-face with them, or even just on the phone. I'm debating removing AIM, it's just another crutch so that no one has to actually make a phone call, because god knows the implications and the effort required in calling someone. Today Nina IMed me asking to go clubbing tonight, last night David actually signed on JUST to ask me to go eat with him, as if that was easier that simply dialing my number. Since when have conversations become so complicated in meaning? I'm starting to despise my computer simply because I miss hearing real voices. I'm not accusing, I'm guilty of it. People are so quick to check online and send an IM that they severly underestimate the comfort and even closeness at hearing each other's voices. The urge to release all these ideas and questions and things that I've been wondering about tonight is extremely strong, and I might still be able to, but again it won't be here. The next time I lay myself bare there's going to be someone else on the other side to see, my own support stand. No, I don't know who, I don't suppose it matters. Then again I suppose it requires someone showing the least bit of interest in knowing in the first place.

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:: 2004 9 November :: 5.46 pm

I give up. I've fallen behind in almost all of my classes and I don't know if I have time to completely catch up. I tried being there for my sister and obviously failed miserably. I can't handle being a support stand for my parents when I have no one supporting me, and I can't handle them always asking me how to fix things instead of figuring it out themselves like parents are supposed to. I'm tired of turning away from every wonderful amazing guy that wants to be with me just to fruitlessly pursue the one guy who has no interest whatsoever in doing so. I'm done hoping for some kind of miracle love that will change everything, I've run out of hope.

I give up.

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:: 2004 8 November :: 1.27 pm

They Baker-acted her. I can't believe they did it. The school found a note she had written about commiting suicide and they Baker-acted her. She's in a hospital right now, my parents are a wreak, we don't know how long she's going to be there. My parents can only see her weekdays from 6:00-6:45 and I can't see her at all. She can't get phone calls either so I won't be able to see her or talk to her until she gets out of there, and god knows when that will be. I don't know what to do, I want to come home but my mom won't let me and there's no point since I'm not allowed in. Richelle and Laura don't know anything about this, no one up here does and I'm so lost with no one to be here for me.

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:: 2004 6 November :: 5.22 pm

I'm home!

I hadn't realized how long it had been since I'd been home, I really missed it. The bus ride down yesterday was crowded but alright. I ran into Briana Pestano on it, that was cool. Richelle called me while I was on the bus to tell me that she just passed me in her car, and although I know it was a last minute trip thing, it would have been nice if she had mentioned that she was thinking about it and actually made plans ahead of time so I wasn't stuck on the bus.

I stopped by the housing office before I had to be at the bus - they approved my petition so thank god I'm released from spring housing. I going to start moving in a little each weekend before christmas break so I don't have to spend half of my break up there doing it. I'm so excited about moving in though.

Spent last night bonding with parents, which was nice. I got to ride the motorcycle and of course loved it. I had forgotten how great it felt to ride. Had a late night talk with Darcy last night too, it sucked. I can't believe how bad she's gotten without anyone finding out. I'm not here so I can't see the signs and she won't tell me anything like that anymore because when she told me about cutting six months ago I told my parents. She's in counseling now, thank god, and she likes her psychiatrist. I was just so happy to hear that I had had no part in her problems that were driving her to these things, she made a point of telling me that and it was a great relief.

The one day I had to go to the beach, the day I had been looking forward to for months and dreamed about last night was of course taken away from me today. I knew it was cold but I went anyway, determined to lay out, but not a half hour after I got there it started to rain. I hate god.

Oh well, I got to play pool instead. Glenn joined me and although he beat me two out three games (although I wasn't THAT far behind) it was still a good time.

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:: 2004 4 November :: 5.35 pm

It's been a crazy week. Tuesday night Richelle and Daniela picked me up to visit the craft store and restock on supplies. Lelis was sick so we dropped Daniela off at his place to take care of him and Richelle and I went to get ice cream (of course). We came back to my dorm to make keychains and jewelry until about 10:30.

Wednesday the three of us had our first selling day, which was fun. We're going to consignment shops on Friday to sell some and we have a confirmed order for a sorority house, which makes us a fucking lot of money. Making so many things is going to be a pain in the ass but this much money is so sweet. Wednesday night was the lingerie frat party. Nina's boyfriend is in Pi Lamda Phi and we got to be on the VIP list. It was just Nina and Hillary and I but that was great because I hadn't spent any real time with either of them since forever (plus our outfits were HOT). Nina's boyfriend is a real sweetheart, and funny, definitely gets approval. This was the first time I had seen Nina heavy drinking and she is the most lightweight person I've ever met. After three or four shots she couldn't walk straight or even stand straight for a real period of time. The night was a ton of fun although Nina wasn't feeling very later in the night and ended up having to be put to bed by midnight.

Tonight is the gala, which I'm very excited about because it's free, the food is free, and it's a great opportunity to wear one of my prom dresses. Those heels are going to suck though.

Bad news today. I thought she was done with it, that was six months ago and she only cut herself a couple of times. I thought she was doing so much better now, she seemed so much happier when I talked to her. Apparently she's been fooling all of us. Her friend at school saw cuts today and told her coach. Darcy was called in and confronted, it was an ugly scene. They're putting her into counseling now and even though I resisted her doing it six months ago I know she needs it now. I'm scared thinking about it and it just makes me even more glad that I'm coming home tomorrow.

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:: 2004 1 November :: 10.54 pm

We got the house, the beautiful four-bedroom one. Anyone looking for a place to live?

I have to try and get out of my spring housing agreement, and I feel low about it but I'm going to have to use my arthritis to do it. I hate the thought of that, I never use it to get anything, most people don't even know I have it.

Daniela and Richelle and I are starting a business. We all need money for our overseas trips so we're starting an arts and crafts venture. We went to the craft store the other night and bought a ton of beads and leather strips and hemp string. Our specialty is key chains, we've made almost twenty so far and they look great. We're taking them to sell on Wednesday. Next week we're going to the sororities and asking them if they would like to purchase custom made bead key chains with their Greek symbols on them for their girls. We all know girls in sororities already so I guaranttee we can get at least one sorority house, which would put about $150 dollars into each of our pockets. I don't care how much money we make, it's just fun.

Laura and Alberto have broken up. Actually I'm not sure if that status has changed. Laura told Alberto Saturday morning that they were going to be on a break until he got his life on track. She thought he was going to come up here to try and fix things with her but instead he went to Miami that night with Alejandro and Lelis' friends (not their own) and ran up a $550 bill at a club there. She felt pretty stupid and very shitty. She broke up with him completely right then. Richelle and I spent the night there again Saturday night but she didn't tell us about breaking up with him until Sunday morning. The three of us tried our best to comfort her while she vented and cried, but she's an extremely strong person and it didn't take her long to get back up. She left for work and after working on some more key chains we baked her a beautiful cake (of course) and bought a couple pints of Ben & Jerry's ice cream for her. We surprised her with them when she got home from work and she was happy. A second later she went into the bathroom and a second after that Alberto showed up at the door. It was a little awkward with us standing around the cake about to cut it when Laura's name was on the cake and he realized we baked it because of their break-up. While Laura was still in the bathroom he went into her bedroom with roses to wait for her. I have never seen a guy so terrified. I was in the hallway when she came out and saw her walk into her room and turn around and walk right back out and back into the bathroom and shut the door. Alberto followed her in and the rest of us ran out of the apartment. Daniela went over to Lelis' house to spend the night and Richelle and I went for ice cream. There was this creepy guy sitting outside the store staring directly at us and making no attempt to hide it. He was out there for twenty minutes waiting for us, doing absolutely nothing except staring. When he went to the bathroom we ran out and he came outside looking for us. He even followed us but we got to Richelle's car and tore out of the parking lot before he got too close. He was fucking scary.

Update: just got a phone call, apparently Alberto's drive up here worked, they're tentatively together again. She's going to give him a chance until she goes to Brazil. If he hasn't done anything by the time she gets back she's done with him for good. She's been waiting around for him so long, she can't wait forever. For now I'm happy that they're working it out. They're going to get married, watch and see....

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:: 2004 28 October :: 7.55 pm

I'M GOING TO GREECE!!!!!!

You know when someone asks you if you could go to one place in the entire world where would it be? My answer has always been Greece, I've been dying to go there for years and years. I love greek mythology and the whole greek culture. I was such a loser in middle school, reading anything I could get my hands on about Greece. Now I'm going!

It's a study abroad program, only eight days (spring break) so I won't be missing too much around here. I've been reading all about the trip and we're going to do so much! We're starting in Athens, then going to Delphi (I want Delphi!), Mycenea (amazing!), the Oracle of Apollo (this is the best yet, it's the very centre of the ancient greek world!), then to Corinth, Olympia, Nemea, and back to Athens. I have to go back someday because you need at least three weeks to see everything, but I'm so excited about everything we're going to doing just in eight days.

As excited as I am, it's saddening to think that I'll be seeing all these incredible things and I won't have anyone there to share them with me. I can take all the pictures I want but I won't have someone there feeling that awe that I will to be standing at a column more than 2500 years old or getting excited with me as we drive along to the next site. Maybe next trip.

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:: 2004 28 October :: 1.16 am

Ugh, not a good day. I didn't do so hot on my chem test, but thankfully our lowest grade is dropped at the end of the summer. My beautiful house that I was so excited about is getting pulled away by the jackass realtor. We've found out a lot of shit about him though, so we're trying to contact the sellers directly to tell them what's been going on, so there's still hope.

Chem lab today, which always puts a daunt on the day.

Harassed by a psycho chick with too much time on her hands and not enough to do. Got into yet another fight with Steve. I don't like the person he's making me into by fighting him all the time.

Darcy IMed me to ask a question about a project she was working on only a minute after I finished with Steve and I snapped at her. I apologized of course but I still feel bad.

I could use a friendly face right now. Hell I would even settle for a friendly voice. Just not looking to happen tonight I guess.

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:: 2004 25 October :: 10.46 pm

Weekends like this one are what college life - and life in general - was always meant to be about.

Laura went home thursday night and Daniela and Lelis were tired by Friday evening so Richelle and I went to the movies by ourselves. We saw the Grudge, which to date was the scariest movie I have ever seen. I had my hands covering my eyes (although peeking through my fingers) so much I think I only got to see about five total minutes of the whole movie. Afterwards we were so freaked out that we needed something lighthearted, so of course it was a perfect excuse for ice cream. Thus another late night visit to Ben and Jerry's. My roommate was spending the night out that night and niether of us wanted to sleep alone so after picking up richelle's stuff we went back to my dorm for a sleepover. Saturday she left early to do laundry and some homework before we had to leave. I however, didn't roll out of bed until 1, went down to lunch at 2 and ran into nina, and stayed there talking to her until after 3, completely forgetting that Richelle was picking me up at four. I had about fifteen minutes to get my stuff together before she got there, but it was nice drive to Orlando.

Halloween Horror Nights was great, although the express passes were definitely the way to go. I didn't find out until afterwards that those passes were only 20 bucks on friday nights, the rest of the week they were 35. We had to wait in line for an hour and a half for everything but strangely that was probably the best part of the night. Ale and Alberto are excellent entertainment, I have never once seen either of them in a bad mood, they are so ridiculously happy all of the time.

At 2am we decided to drive back up to Gainesville instead of sleeping in cars. I made the mistake of going with Alejandro and Richelle and what was supposed to be an hour and a half drive turned into a three and a half hour journey. I didn't get to bed until 6 in the morning, great fun.

Sunday was Lake Wauberg, it's my new favorite place. Kayaking again, but this time I passed out on mine and nearly had a heart attack when my arm fell in the water and woke me up. Rock climbing was great too, I'm getting a little better with the height thing, but I'm determined to do it no matter what.

That night was yet another low point in my world of food. I had recently found out that there was a melting pot in Gainesville, actually only about a mile from campus. I suddenly remembered this when thinking about what to do and I convinced Richelle to go with me for dessert there. We ordered two fondue pots and platters. Hers was a small, meant to feed 1-2 people. Pathetically, I ordered the regular size. The waitor gave me an incredulous look, asking me if I knew that it was meant to feed four people. I couldn't look at him, I just stared straight ahead and said yes, that was fine. Richelle got her Smores fondue and dessert platter, I got my white chocolate amaretto and TWO platters completely full of pound cake. Every waitor who passed our table just stared at all the food as they passed, it was disgusting. But dear god is that chocolate good. White chocolate amaretto is the ultimate orgasmic dessert. I am quite satisfied now.

Math test tonight, easy. Chem test tomorrow, eh.

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:: 2004 21 October :: 9.45 pm

They loved the house! Both Alejandro and Alberto called Richelle and Laura as we were driving back to Laura's from the house and both of them described the house to the guys as "fucking gorgeous." I guess that's really good. They've agreed to the rent amount, we've worked out all the little tiny details, everything's set. They love the idea of having two dogs and Laura asked if her "old little fart dog" could move in too. Oh yeah, and they all really want a house cat. So now we're up to four roommates, three boyfriends coming and going through the house, three dogs, and a cat. Nah, this won't be crazy at all. The porch on this house is freaking huge and Daniela had the great idea of getting hammocks, so we'll be pretty much living on our porch with a couch and a few hammocks out there hanging from the cieling. This is going to be the most kick-ass house.

Had my bio test tonight....don't even care how I did at this point I'm just so damn relieved that it's over. I need to get back to the gym too, I've been stress eating like crazy for the last two weeks.

Oh how I can't wait for this weekend...

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:: 2004 21 October :: 2.02 am

It's happened, my sleep cycles have now completely reversed. I sleep during the day between and after classes and my peak study time - the time I can concentrate the most and am most productive - is from 8pm to 3am. My exams are done after next wednesday so hopefully I'll be able to start switching back after that.

I'm freaking out about this stupid bio lab test. I changed my test time from 3:00 to 7:20 tomorrow evening, but I still don't know what I was thinking when I didn't sign up for the Friday test (now of course it's full). I just don't know what to expect on this test and there is SO much damn material it's insane. I know I don't have to be studying all of this but I don't know what I should be focusing on so I'm wasting a ton of time and energy studying everything.

I'm so excited about this house. We're all going to see it bright and early tomorrow morning and I can't wait to see what they think. The more I've thought about this house the more I love it so I'll cry if they hate it. On top of that Mom says a woman from her office is selling the golden retriever puppies her dog is going to have an April, sweet! I wish she would housebreak it before I bought it though, I hate that part, not because of the mess but because I can't stand trying to discipline such a sweet little puppy, there's no way it would ever get trained. I should probably warn the girls that the house is going to turn into a zoo VERY quickly. Two dogs, a possible cat, a possible hamster and/or bunny, and occasionally two ferrets when Darcy visits. Mom doesn't want me getting a cat because she's allergic but I just see it as one more way to discourage frequent visiting. I love her and all but it's nice being on my own and I would love to experience that in my own house too.

Richelle and Andres finally broke up, and she told him everything. I really am surprised, I was sure that even if she broke up with him she wouldn't tell him about Alejandro. Apparently he went crazy, storming around ripping up every picture of her in his house and yelling at her to go home. I don't blame him, at all, but she's my best friend for a reason and even though I don't agree with what she did I'm going to be there for her when she's hurting and needs me.

She was awesome for me when I went through a painful breakup, calling me constantly and showing up at my door at 10 in the morning even though she had to work at 12 in boca - the opposite direction for a pretty good distance - with a huge back of hershey kisses. This was my chance to be there for her in the same way so I finally got my cake pan back from Laura and baked her our favorite cake. I knew she was choreographing with Laura tonight so I went over there with the cake and we all pigged out, talked, made idiots of ourselves for each other's amusement, and just had an awesome time doing practically nothing. I have not asked, nor do I think Laura has, whether she's going to start dating Alejandro officially now, and she didn't bring it up (although they did call each other tonight while we were there). I think they're pretty much considered a couple now, even if it's unofficially. He makes her happy so for now I'm okay with it but I'm really starting to worry about the fact that she will never know how to be single and how to be her own independent person. Oh well, nothing that needs solving tonight.

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