a long search for something i don't want to find

a long search for something i don't want to find

:: 2004 16 October :: 8.52 pm

I studied for hours on that bio test and still got a C. The worst part is that for most of the questions I missed I actually knew the right answer.

My mom and sister ended up coming up last night for family weekend. We missed all the big activities yesterday though. I had missed going to jacksonville with the gang because of them coming up, but I didn't mind staying in for once.

Today was a very long day. I got a new phone! Cingular is run by the devil and his spawn so finally today I got a new phone and phone plan with verizon. It's a camera phone, I'm very excited. We went to the family BBQ, we went to the mall, and I'm back here now. I'm supposed to go out to a movie later with the gang, but for some reason I have never felt lonlier than I do now. I feel so isolated, so incredibly alone. I don't know why this hit me so hard tonight but I can't shake it. I'm laying here listening to john mayer's new cd, with the candle oil burning and it's such a sweet smell, and all the lights turned off, and I have never felt a stronger wanting or needing to have someone laying here with me right now. A friend, a stranger, I don't care, this room just feels so empty tonight.

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:: 2004 14 October :: 1.41 am

I should definitely be studying...

I am the classic case of procrastination that psychology majors study.

I think I'm okay with Richelle and Laura now. We went for a late night dinner at midnight Monday night at Pita Pit and everything was fine. A little awkward for the first couple of minutes yes, but we got right back to acting like idiots to amuse ourselves very easily. We didn't talk about it, no one brought it up.

Last night we went rock climbing. I like so much, especially since we were the only ones there, it was so nice to be able to learn how to do it with no one standing around watching you. Lelis and I were the first to try climbing the walls, and at about the same time at the same point on the wall we both realized that we had a fear of heights. I wasn't as bad as him though, he actually broke out into a sweat and started giggling like a little girl, which of couse almost made me fall from laughing at him. I don't think it was the height, I think it's just the fact that caution and fear of anything risky is drilled into our heads when we're young so when you're ten feet or more up in the air holding onto little tiny piece of fake rock and your life is in the hands of someone who's never done it before (richelle was belaying me, daniela was belaying lelis), that fears tends to kick in. It was a lot of fun though and we're going again on Friday.

Today I was just in the worst mood. I had a chem lab today which I loathe, worrying about a bio test on friday, mad at everyone, frustrated to no end with my mom and her constant changing her mind about whether or not she's coming up this weekend. I finally snapped at Steve in the worst way and he didn't deserve what I said to him.

I need another vacation.

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:: 2004 11 October :: 3.44 pm

Just got a call from Alex, the frat he was pledging in dropped him last night and he just found out that his grandpa died last night. He'd been sick for a very long time and in the hospital, so Alex was glad that he was with Alex's grandma and their daughter now, but it's still painful to go through. I feel horrible because he called for comfort and I was crying as I was trying to comfort him so I don't think I did very well.

I'm so sorry honey, I love you and you know I'm here for you.

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:: 2004 11 October :: 2.31 pm

I can't take this anymore, I'm going insane!!!

I already couldn't sleep but this is just prolonging the problem. I can't concentrate in my classes because I'm always thinking about this shit, and all of my time is spent either talking about or listening to it.

I'm afraid to see or talk to Richelle because I'm afraid that I'll crack and do or say something to her that will ruin our friendship, but it's like she's trying to ruin it herself!

I tried to be there for Laura and listen to her rants and offer her what sympathy and comfort I could but I just can't do it anymore. I'm tired of hearing it, I'm tired of listening to the same things over and over for hours on end and I know I'll snap soon at her too to just leave me alone about it.

It's ironic that the two peole I was closest to are the ones that I'm dying to get away from. I need to get out of here, someone save me!

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:: 2004 9 October :: 12.13 pm

Most people have to go to huge parties and get drunk off their asses just to have a good time. Give me three or four of my friends and a cake and we're on the moon.

Laura picked me up last night and we spent an hour bitching about our moms (we both had had fights with them that day). We already had a cake baked for Cara for her birthday but we wanted to bake another one just for ourselves, so we actually drove to three different stores looking for cake mix. Finally at Publix we picked out a cake mix and frosting and after a minute I picked out a second cake mix and frosting because I knew I would probably want to make another cake next week or so (alright, really the next day).

Back at Laura's it took us half an hour to decorate the cake for Cara and Daniela and Lelis made me make another cake. I finished all the mixing but then we had to go to Cara's so I told Daniela to just put it in the oven for thirty minutes. However on the way to Cara's Daniela called Laura to tell her that they had used the second cake mix (mine) to combine with the first. Not only that, but she messed up making it. She stole my cake and then ruined it, I'm in shock. You just don't mess with people's food, and messing with cake calls for capital punishment. That's just not right.

Anyway we finally made it to Cara's and Andres was already there. She loved her cake and we finally got to eat it. It was soooo good, definitely one of my best *takes a bow*. We spent the rest of the nigt talking about stupid shit like parasites and weird animal impressions. We even spent half an hour singing. We weren't doing anything really exciting but I still had such a good time! I love my friends...

Because of how late we were up the night before we had to leave before 1 because we were all falling sleep. As we were walking out Laura whispered in my ear "we have to talk, get in the car." I almost burst out laughing, Laura always has to talk about something. We are now convinced that Andres is clinically schizophrenic. The last couple times we had seen him he had been so moody it was almost like he was depressed. Just the night before I thought he looked like someone in the middle of a depression contemplating suicide. But tonight he was so much fun! He was the old Andres that he used to be. The only horrible part was that he spent almost the entire night talking about Richelle. He told us about how he and her had spent the other night just singing really weird songs and getting real into it and it was just so much fun and hilarious. Laura and I both felt like shit because we knew that the night he was talking about that he had such a great memory of was Saturday night, the night that Richelle went out at 4am after seeing Andres to pick up Alejandro for a booty call. Just listening to him go on and on was so terrible to hear, if he only knew....Laura and I have nearly lost all respect for Richelle, her relationship could not possibly be as bad as she was making it out to be to us if Andres is telling stories of such great times they have together. She's home right now and I swear to god, if she does something with Alejandro while she's down there for the third weekend in a row, she has absolutely no respect for herself and as much as I love her it's going to be very difficult to be around her knowing what she's doing.

Today is my homework day (or so I'll claim for now). I'm selling my ticket to the game for a very good price because no one else i know has tickets and I would much rather be sitting in Beef O'Brady's eating chicken wings with Laura, Cara, and Andres watching the game on a TV then actually being there by myself.

Tomorrow is the kayaking trip. I'm nervous about the physical demand of an 8 mile trip, but I still think it's going to be a really great time. Taylor, the president of the club, had said that we were meeting at the Bee Biology Unit that morning and asked everyone to email him that night as to whether or not we needed a ride to Ceder Key from the meeting spot. I emailed him saying that both Laura and I needed a ride (she didn't want to drive if she didn't have to) and he emailed only me back asking if I needed a ride to the Bee Biology Unit as well and he could pick me up that morning from my dorm, as well as be my ride to Ceder Key. Laura was all offended that apparently she's going to be walking there but I thought it was pretty cute. I don't know, maybe he's just making an honestly friendly offer with no other intention behind it, but I guess I'll find out tomorrow. I have no idea what I'd do if it turned out otherwise.

Alright, time to get studying...or play solitaire.

I think I'm going to start wishing very soon that I hadn't taught Glenn about that invisible eye...

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:: 2004 8 October :: 1.15 pm

Baking cakes until 3 in the morning is just not normal.

Richelle and Laura applied to do study abroad in the spring in Brazil. They want me to go but there's nothing for my major there. I don't want to spend a whole semester without my two best friends!

I got to see Richelle and Andres together last night for the first time in a long time. Despite the fact that he was acting like he was having PMS, it was interesting to note that all that has happened has suddenly opened my eyes to how their relationship really is now. They've been together so long that I just see them always like I saw them for so long in the beginning, but last night I was noticing little things like the fact that they never kissed the whole time, that even though they sat next to each other on the couch there was no contact between them, etc. I realized that their relationship has been dying for months. Which begs the question, why is Richelle bothering to cheat on someone she doesn't even want to be with anymore? She's admitted to not loving Andres like she used to, so why bother with all the lies and all the pain that's going to be inflicted when the lies come out when it would make so much more sense just to break up with Andres and then go out with Alejandro. She says it's because she's so comfortable with Andres, which is no reason to stay with someone. I feel so bad for him, if I found out that my boyfriend that I loved was only staying with me because it was comfortable I would feel like such a loser, like such shit. Truthfully I don't think she should continue seeing either of them. She hasn't been single in three years, it's time to see if she can really be her own person when she doesn't have a guy there next to her. She needs to find out who she is independently of who she is or isn't with.

Laura confronted her last night about how it was a terrible idea for her to go home this weekend because we know she's going to see Alejandro. She was pissed and she's still going home today.

When will this high school crap ever end...

Happy Birthday Cara!

Dave is coming home this weekend, I feel terrible that I couldn't make it back to see him. :-( I'll see you in December!!!

I don't want to go feed the wasps....

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:: 2004 7 October :: 4.05 pm

Long walk down memory lane, but I'm glad you did it with me. Man, those were such good times.

Laura wants to have another "concerned discussion" with Richelle tonight about her going home this weekend.

I love the role of referee, I'm not so deeply involved that I'm torn apart by it and I'm seen as the good guy by both sides.

Ceder Key trip Sunday.

Concert next friday.

Halloween Horror night the weekend after.

I love October.

The weather is so gorgeous right now. I told Laura not to pick me up on the way to kayaking, I want to walk. I love this time of year!

It's nice that I have these big checks, but it would be even nicer if I cashed or deposited them.

This girl on my floor has a box outside her door that she keep filling up with candy, with a sign saying help yourself

She's had to refill it three times since this morning.

I'm almost full.

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:: 2004 6 October :: 1.59 pm

Dave has ordered me to update more, so here I am

hmm, as of the last update, Laura and I went to our first crew club meeting Thursday. We had to do a 200 yd and 5 minute treading water swim test. There were only three kayaks though and about ten people so we were the last ones on it. It's all good though because Taylor (the president) said we get first dibs next time. I like Taylor he's very nice. During the meeting Laura and I apparently signed up for some kayaking trip this Sunday, I didn't realize until later because I hadn't exactly been paying attention. He's so pretty....

Anyway, later that night Michelle and I went to our first pre-vet club meeting, and apparently it's a tradition for everyone to bring their dogs with them to this meeting. They were so cute! I spent more time and energy playing with two pugs than taking notes on how to get into vet school.

Friday afternoon Alberto, Alejandro and Niko drove up here so that Alberto could surprise Laura. Richelle and I knew about it beforehand so when Laura walked out of her apartment and found all of us waiting outside, she freaked that we knew about it and never said anything. She was so happy though, she never stopped smiling the entire night. Stupid happy couple. We went to a club for Latin night of course, where Laura practiced her salsa dancing with Alberto, Richelle and Alejandro danced inappropriately, and some strange guy taught me how to spanish dance until Lelis rescued me from him. We went back to Laura's and of course ordered food, two extra large pizzas and a 2-liter of Pepsi, how sick. I didn't get home until 5 so it really sucked getting up at 9:30.

Saturday I took the greyhound to Orlando. Three hours spent getting hit on by some redneck with horrible breath sitting behind me. Ewww. I told him I had a boyfriend, I told him I was 17, nothing worked. It was a very long ride.

I was disappointed that my dad couldn't make it to Orlando but BellSouth has been working like crazy since the hurricanes, twelve hour shifts and only one day off every two weeks. I still had fun with my mom and sister and my sister's friends though. We went to Hard Rock Cafe for dinner where the entire staff sang and danced to YMCA and pulled Darcy on stage to dance with them. A lasting memory, I assure you. Anyway, that night she and her friends went to horror nights, and after Mom and I finished shopping I tucked her into bed with a movie and drove down to UCF to see Alex. It was a very uneventful night but I love getting to see him and all his friends are hilarious. The next day I went with my sister and her friends to Islands of Adventure while my mom hung out with Alex's mom who was also there that weekend. Basically my role for being there was to keep Darcy's friend Jenn company while they all went on the rollercoasters, which I didn't mind. We went back to the hotel to go swimming for a bit, I got an airbrush tattoo, and then we headed to sweet tomatos for dinner! Mmmm, I love that place. I finally had to get back on the bus to come back but the bus was so crowded and the driver got lost once he got into Gainesville so I don't think I'm going to be riding the bus too often.

Apparently a lot happened during the weekend while I was gone, particularly between Richelle and Alejandro. Around 4:30 yesterday I got an angry phone call from Laura who ranted and raved for an hour and a half. She said she had told Richelle that they needed to talk the next night (tonight). However, considering how upset Laura was and how we didn't even know the whole truth about what was going on anyway, I finally got involved which I had resisted doing up to this point. I figured it was only right that I try talking to her first before she had to face Laura. I called her up and asked her if she wanted to hang out. She said yeah and she picked me up to go out to dinner. On the way there, however, Laura called me even more upset because she had just found out that Alberto and Alejandro were now fighting about it too, and now she wanted to talk to Richelle right away. I told her she would have to wait and we would come by after dinner. Richelle knew why Laura had called me so we jumped right into the conversation. I prepared her for everything Laura was going to hit her with and I warned her not to try to lie anymore, just be open about everything. Once I had warmed her up and reassured her that I was only expressing concern for a best friend but I was still here for her, we paid the bill and went over to Laura's. Richelle was scared walking up to her apartment, my purpose for being there was to intervene if it got out of hand and as Richelle said, offer comic relief to lighten the tension now and then. It's just not fair, Laura is way too good at confrontations, I stutter and say things wrong and end up not saying half of what I want to but she's not afraid to say anything. Nothing Laura said surprised Richelle because I had been very careful about walking her through everything Laura had problems with, but it was still more confrontational than I would have liked and I made them call it a night after about an hour. Richelle and I went back to her dorm and I again tried to talk to her about the fact that I wasn't of the same attitude Laura was, I was concerned but not angry or accusatory. She knew that and she talked more easily with me about it at her dorm and when we went out for ice cream later. She came back to my dorm for a while before finally heading home about 1. She and Laura are supposed to get together tonight to choreograph but Richelle says it's going to be very uncomfortable for a long time between them. I hope that's not true.

So besides all the drama (which thank god for once I'm not a part of) not a lot else has been going on. I had the weirdest dream last night though, and I think I'm going to try talking to Glenn, if he'll talk to me.

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:: 2004 24 September :: 1.45 am

Great, now I can't go back to my dining hall and the only other one is one the entire other side of campus.

One of the guys who works there struck up a conversation with me a week ago and by amazing coincidence not only went to Atlantic (not in IB and graduated two years ago) but also knew Ryan and Glenn, the only two people I knew from that year outside of IB. He hits on me as I'm trying to get my food and if I'm sitting alone he'll take a break and sit with me while I eat. I told him I have a boyfriend but it hasn't detered him. He works thursday through Sunday so I just have to avoid the area during the weekends

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:: 2004 23 September :: 2.58 pm

A woman called me last night at 10 from my favorite animal hospital in Gainesville to tell me that she had an open volunteer position available for me. Once I gained enough experience and proved my work ethic I would be hired too! Between classwork, this dreadful chem lab, this undergrad research and volunteering at the animal hospital I'm not going to have much of a life. Don't really care though, I like what I'm doing.

I was supposed to go home with Laura this morning to spend some time with Steve before the concert tomorrow night but because of this damn math test tonight I can't leave until tomorrow with Daniela, Lelis, and Richelle. The stupid math test is a joke anyway, it'll take me less than twenty minutes, what a waste. Oh well, I just got to keep reminding myself that tomorrow night I'm going to be partying and sleeping on Miami Beach. I'm so excited!

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:: 2004 19 September :: 10.00 pm

Single again

and i haven't left my room in days

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:: 2004 18 September :: 2.03 pm

Whats does your personality rate from 1-10? by morning_prayer
Your first full name
Your personality rates a 12
your best quality is youre talented
your worst quality is nothin'
this is because you are who you are
Quiz created with MemeGen!

How sweet, too bad I feel like such shit that something like this actually pisses me off

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:: 2004 16 September :: 10.39 am

I wonder if it ever is really possible to change who we are. Considering who we are as a person consists of mind, heart, and soul, are any one of those things really so dynamic that we can change them on a whim? If that were true, then there would be no such thing as who a person truly is because that person would only be what they wanted to at that moment.

I gave everything I wrote last night to Steve, no editing. Dave now knows the truth, and, if Steve can move past last night and we continue with the plan, soon my parents will too. But by finally confessing all, by finally opening up and being honest, and letting others make the decisions, have I really changed who I am as a person? Or am I still the same selfish, dishonest bitch I always was just acting like a good person once a while?

I think it's the second one. I don't think I can escape who I am at heart. I will always be what I am and I will always drive away those I love. I can act like a good person by doing this, by laying myself bare last night in the harshest truth, but it wasn't a good person that created the need to do that in the first place. I am who I am. And I hate it. I don't want to do it anymore, I don't want to be here anymore. I want to walk away tonight, every memory of the last ten years erased, and disappear without a second thought.

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:: 2004 13 September :: 11.51 pm

I put my extremely graphic and detailed Periodic Table of Sex up next to Murphy's Laws on Sex last night. Apparently Sara put in a work order to have our air conditioner fixed last night too. Walking down the hallway on my way back from class I saw our door was cracked the way it always is when someone's home, so I figured Sara was inside. I opened the door and two maintance guys were standing there reading my posters. It was a very awkward next few minutes. Right when I had walked into the room they had looked at them a second longer, probably to finish reading the one sentence or part they were on they just looked at me not knowing what to say for a few moments. I was just shocked to see them then I finally managed to ask if the air conditioner was fixed just to start the conversation. I'm sure they believe I'm the horniest girl alive when the only posters covering my side of room are sexual

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