a long search for something i don't want to find

a long search for something i don't want to find

:: 2004 15 July :: 8.49 pm

wow, everything except the sex skill level is incredibly insulting. i hope that isn't really accurate.

:: 2004 15 July :: 6.34 pm

Aw, I've been neglecting my beloved woohu. There's been a couple of problems this last week but for once they don't involve me!

We got back from vacation early Saturday evening and Steve and I went that night to see Dodgeball. Hands down that movie was fucking hilarious, a new favorite to both of us. We spent an hour at least after the movie requoting one liners from the movie at each other and laughing hysterically. We'll still pop a line or two every now and then and it's still just as funny.

Richelle came down for the weekend for her dad's birthday and I met up with her and her brother Sunday to see Anchorman. It was funny, but paled in comparison to Dodgeball. I shouldn't have seen them so close together. She left for Gainesville again that day at 5:30. She had taken the bus and told me it was $40 round trip which was amazing to me, you spend twice that in tolls and gas driving just one way if you took your car.

My sister and I are taking scuba diving classes, which started monday. I'm excited to do it but I wish we had done it so much sooner when I would have actually been able to make good use out of the certification.

Things have been deteriorating fast between my parents. When I was always getting into trouble, they tended to get along well because they were united against me. Now that I'm not, they're turning on each other again. Mom told Dad to move out, but she's said it before and I don't believe she really means for him to. I think that he's getting tired enough of this though, that he might actually do it soon. Not only that, but the very next day (Tuesday) my mom tried to back her brand new Volvo SUV out of the garage, but Darcy had left the trunk door open and the door was crumpled, and all of the glass shattered out. She now has a rental car and the volvo will cost a couple thousand to fix. Then today, my mom tried to put in her two week's notice at her office. (she got a new job with a medical company of doctors, very cool) but they got pissed and let her go today. She doesn't seem upset about it though, she said she welcomes the vacation. It's going to be hard that she's starting a whole new job about the same time I'm moving though.

Steve cooked me lunch today at his house, then packed it up and drove all the way to the YMCA to bring me a hot picnic lunch on my half hour lunch break. It was incredibly sweet of him, I can't wait to take him out for my own surprise for him on Saturday. We're also seeing Spiderman 2 again on Saturday, I'm not as excited about that, but he bought tickets to the upper premier level so I am looking forward to checking that out.

On Sunday the country club of his mom's new neighborhood is having a formal brunch and for some reason he's really set on wanting me to go. He says he wants to me to see his mom's new place, that it's very impressive, but I don't get what the big deal is about me going with him to this brunch.

I just got the mail and I'm actually tearing up right now. Jenn bought me a birthday present ages ago, before my birthday, but since I was out of school by then she never got a chance to give it to me. She finally just put it in the mail along with a card and a full page-length letter. The present was a very pretty picture frame with an awesome picture in it of the two of us from the Eagle-ette banquet. Lol, we look hot! The letter is positively the sweetest thing I've ever read. I can't believe that anyone could see me as the kind of person that she sees in me, especially when she's so amazing herself. I can't stand thinking of not being able to talk to her all the time or hang out with her, she needs to visit me every single weekend. Jenn I love you so much!! You have no idea how incredible you are!

Love to all! (Especially Jenn)

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:: 2004 9 July :: 4.13 pm

Ahhh, relaxing vacation. I spent the last week in the middle of nowhere, Virginia and we just got into Washington DC a couple of hours ago. Our timeshare here in Virginia is beautiful, and I loved having my favorite cousin and her son with us. We did so much in our week there: Krissa and I took some tennis lessons and Dad and I played a few games. The whole family played a ton of raquetball and I've been getting pretty good. On Monday night my sister and Krissa and I went to the gym because they were hosting competitive indoor volleyball and we decided to see what we could do. I hadn't played volleyball since I was in Gainesville for spring break and we all played at Ginny Springs, but before that I don't remember ever playing. We teamed up with a brother-brother-sister group so it was basically a family team. They were awesome people, soooo funny, and it just made the games even so much better than they already were. Amazingly enough, we actually did pretty well playing. Who knew we could pick it up so fast? There were no prizes or even ranking, it was just all for fun and we all went out for ice cream afterwards with our new friends. They played tennis with us the next day and on Wednesday night there was another volleyball competition and we all teamed up together again. We played even better than we did on Monday! I'm in love with volleyball now and Laura and I are looking for an intramural volleyball team at UF.

I have to go now because we're taking a night tour around DC and have to eat an early dinner. There's some things I want to write about here but I know I really shouldn't. Certain things need to be said face-to-face, and you can only put it off for so long. I'll see you when I get home.

Love you all!

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:: 2004 1 July :: 10.37 pm

Hey look, another low point!
In the last two weeks I've been careful not to make any mention of this girl, here or anywhere else, but to explain how I feel tonight I have to explain everything.

Rachel is 12, turning 13 in August. She loves Church more than anything, loves school second, and loves working at the YMCA third most in the world. We became friends very quickly because of our shared love for reading. When I made mention of some family problems I'd had over the years, she immediately related and even kept going. She started telling me more and more as the days went on, talking about her drug-using father who abused her, her twin brother, and her mother. Her mother however was no innocent here because she hits as well, although not nearly as frequently or brutally. I had suspected physical abuse because of a split lip she'd had and because she wore a sweater and long jeans every single day even though it was 98 degrees outside, but it was still a shock. Suddenly I was in a really bad position of either keeping my mouth shut and in this way helping the abuse to continue, or report it and betray the trust of a new friend. She had become extremely clingy to me at this point and she talked to me about new incidents every single day. She came this past week with a second split lip, and later on her arm I saw bruises of fingerprints on her arm. Frequently she would start to tell me something and then stop, either embarrassed or scared I would either tell someone or someone else in the room would overhear. I took this opportunity to suggest that maybe writing it down would be easier for her. That's what she started to do for everything she had to tell me, and every night I came home and made copies of what she had given me that day. I only made copies so that she could have back the originals and tear them up and throw them away herself, so that she believed she was destroying all the evidence. By this time I had already spoken to my boss Dave about it and now I had something solid to show him. To cut it short, he called Child Protective Services to report it, and they said that they would send someone soon to talk to Rachel. That was a little over a week ago.

Yesterday she was going through her backpack looking for the note she had written me. She pulled out one piece of folded paper and I asked if that was it. Her eyes got wide and she shook her head saying it wasn't for anyone to see, she was too scared. I had a feeling I knew what it was about because of another hint she had dropped a few days ago indicating sexual abuse. She finally found the other note for me, then left to go to the bathroom, leaving her backpack open in front of me. Knowing that what I was doing would probably be considered wrong by a lot of people, I went in and got that other note and quickly shoved it in my pocket. Her mom picked her up a few minutes later and when she was gone I read both notes. The one she had really written for me was talking about suicide. The other one I had grabbed asked a question. "If a girl is raped do you think she is still a virgin?" That was it for me. I stormed up to Dave this morning and handed him the copy of the note she wrote for me and the original other note itself. It hadn't been necessary to make a copy of it because she didn't know I had it. I told him that it was ridiculous that CPS still had not gone to investigate this and with these last two notes I didn't even know which one disturbed me more and something had to be done now. He read them and told me he was pissed at them too and called them right then. He got in their faces and told them about the new notes and they promised to dispatch a person within twenty-four hours. Because Dave and I didn't want her being interviewed with her parents there, we told them to come to the YMCA itself to talk to her where her parents wouldn't be anywhere even near. They never came and I thought nothing was going to come of it again until I got a call a couple of hours ago from Rachel. A woman from CPS - the same woman who talked to Rachel the last time there was a report - had just arrived at her house. She was scared shitless and completely heartbroken. She knew she wouldn't be allowed to go to the lockin tomorrow like I know she's been looking forward to for over a month and she knows she won't be allowed to return to the YMCA where she adores working. She was so upset that they were there and so scared about the consequences when they left. I felt like a complete pile of shit, I had no idea what to say to her. If they take her out of the house tonight, I'll know I did the right thing. But if they let her stay and again nothing comes from this except her getting beaten and losing what she loves, I'll know that I caused it to her and I can't bear that kind of guilt. I can't believe I did this to her. Should I tell her that it was me? She didn't suspect me at all but wanted to know desperately who it was that reported it. I wish she would call back like she said she would, I wish I knew what was happening right now and I wish more than anything that she gets out of that house tonight. I don't know what I'm going to do if something happens to her.

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:: 2004 27 June :: 8.02 pm

48 days until I leave for UF. That is unreal to me. I nave this countdown running in my head, and the closer I get to it I don't just get more and more excited, I also start to freak out a little bit more that I'm running out of time with Steve.

Richelle and Laura are gone and I miss them already. Because they were both leaving on Friday, we went out Thursday night. Laura was working so Richelle and Michelle and I went to see Stepford Wives first which I actually liked. The theater was completely empty except for us and we all got in for free because Geoff Radka works there, which was a nice surprise. I asked him about Ashlee, he says he doesn't talk to her, that she moved out two weeks ago and is living by herself in Miami. Combined with everything I had heard about her already over the years, I was sad to hear that. She was a great friend a long time ago. Anyway, after that we met up with Laura, Alberto and Steve at the pool hall. We all shot embarrassingly sad but it was still fun. Laura keeps telling us how excited she is that we'll be up there with her this fall so she actually has people to do things with. She's been dying for someone to play tennis with and I've actually been trying to get back into tennis for a while now, so we'll be playing a lot this fall. Laura left for Canada Friday morning and I already got an email from her yesterday telling me how happy she was to be competing again. She's an awesome dancer, I know she'll win tons of money there. She's going to be in Canada for two and a half weeks, be home for only a week, and then leaves for Coasta Rica for another two weeks. She gets back from Coasta Rica at nine o'clock the night before fall classes start. I'm guessing she'll be missing her first classes that next day.

Richelle is now already in Gainesville for her summer session. Although I like being home for the summer, I'm a little jealous that she's already up there having fun and living out on her own. I have to email her tonight.

I can't believe how many people I've already lost touch with, it's depressing. I occasionally still talk to Nina but we don't hang out. I know we will once we get up to UF though, it's just hard to do with everyone's schedules and living so far away here. I haven't talked to Jill in forever although her boyfriend Mike works during the day at the Y so I see him every day. He's drilled it into my kids that it is a serious mission to splash and spit water and harrass me during the entire hour of swim time. The last time I went swimming I must have swam twenty laps back and forth trying to get away from these kids while he laughed his ass off in the lifeguard chair. Bastard, you'll get yours. I'm still close to Jenn which I'm very happy about but I haven't talked to Jessica or Michelle at all. It was by mutual choice that Hillary and I have lost touch, niether of us would care to ever see each other again, which is sad because she really has no friends except her sister's friends and she'll be screwed when they graduate. Oh well, I tried.

I'm giving my word of honor right now to make more of an effort to hang out and talk to these people again.

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:: 2004 26 June :: 1.32 am

This is the most mentally and emotionally exhausting job I've ever had. My first week was great, I definitely loved the job. Now Tyler (another counselor and someone who's become a good friend) and I agree that we've lost our enthusiasm for the job. It's not even the kids really that's killing us, it's our damn so-called assistants. Some of them are really good and help out a lot, like Amanda, who's my favorite and I request her every week. Others I don't know why even bother to come since it's obvious they don't like being there with the kids, and they feel the need to fight with every counselor, even sometimes encouraging the kids to fight back too. I'm so wrung out by the end of the week from dealing with kids and assistants that I swear I'm going to quit, but after a couple days away from them I can't wait to see my favorite kids again. Tyler and I also agree that even though we've lost a lot of enthusiasm, we haven't let our attitudes go bad and we're still able to play and laugh for hours with the kids. This job has such dramatic ups and downs. Right when I'm at the end of my rope, not even wanting to see another child around me, one of the kids like Zachary or Casey or Bailey will run up to me and hug me and show me drawings of hearts they made for me. Bailey loves to sit in my lap and play with my hair, and she calls me her Mommy. No matter how much I try to explain to her that she shouldn't and that her real mom wouldn't appreciate that, I secretly love hearing it. I'm really going to miss these kids in Virginia.

Steve's cousin is getting married in September, and although we're supposed to be officially broken up by then, I'm going with him to Atlanta, Georgia for the weekend and the wedding. The date of the wedding? September 5th, which Steve took as an omen. We'll be spending the day of our one year anniversary in a wedding that he thinks we should be having. I really shouldn't be going to this.

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:: 2004 21 June :: 8.50 pm

Not too much has been going on lately, but I still feel guilty for neglecting my journal. Steve's birthday was last wednesday and I got to see him very briefly at lunch, but I was still under house arrest so I couldn't see him that night. I felt terrible not being able to be with him for his birthday. I didn't even have a chance to give him his present and card until Friday night.

Dave's sister Jenn called me Thursday night to invite me to a surprise birthday party she and her sister Diana were throwing for Dave, which was extremely nice of them, but it wasn't looking like my parents were going to let me go. It wasn't until I talked to them Friday afternoon did they give me the okay and at that point I had no way of picking up a present for him, especially since I didn't have a car and my dad took me there straight from picking me up at work. I felt like shit being the only person without a present for him but I was glad that I could at least be there for him. I hope that made up for it a little bit. I totally did not fit into his group of friends though and I felt like the odd man out the entire time. Steve picked me up from his house about 10 and they finally got to meet each other after over nine months. It was the first time we had gotten to spend more than a quick twenty minute lunch break together in a week. I felt bad though that he had to drive me home at 3 in the morning.

Saturday morning of course I got woken up at 8 in the morning by my sister and dad arguing loudly right outside my room. Then, just as I was about to fall asleep again, my mom came in and told me to get up to go car shopping with her. I didn't even know she was looking to buy a new car. The whole day was completely boring in this way, but we did go down to Fort Lauderdale to see my grandpa's new house and go out to dinner with him. While we were driving back we met up with Laura so she could pick me up and take me out. We went to Alberto/Alejandro's house for a mini-party and Steve met us there. We played Fuck You again and it was a lot of fun of course, although not as much fun as it was that one night, we needed Gary and a lot more alcohol and pot for that. Steve got weird towards the end of the night though. Laura and I were inside talking while the guys were outside on the porch. As soon as Laura and I went out there to join them Steve said he had to make a phone call and left the apartment. When he finally came back in he asked if I minded if we left. Since it was already three in the morning again and I felt guilty about him having to drive me home again, I agreed to go but I didn't like how he was acting. In the car he mentioned out of nowhere that he was trying to get a hold of his West Coast because he was thinking of moving back out to LA. That really kind of hit me and I wasn't sure how he was expecting me to react. What was I supposed to say to that when he threw it at me out of nowhere? Was he still bitter about me refusing to marry him and his threatening to move across the country was supposed to hurt me back? I really don't know how I feel about the subject. One of the main reasons I told him I couldn't keep seeing him was because he wasn't doing anything with his life when I wanted to do so much with mine, so how can I tell him not to move to LA when that would actually be him doing something with his life? It would be hypocritical with me not only in that way, but if I don't want him to move to Gainesville with me or pursue a relationship with him past this summer, what right do I have to expect him to stick around so I can still visit once in a while? I don't know, I guess I always counted on him being here for me when I came home and being able to see him once in a while, which isn't fair and would probably hurt us more than help us, it would just make it even harder for us to eventually let go. So I guess it would be a good thing if he moved, it would remove all temptation. But God it hurts to think of him being so far away and possibly never seeing him again, or only once a year or so.

My parents and I are doing so much better though. My mom and I got some "quality bonding time" this weekend because I was her major source of company while car shopping since Darcy had a golf tournament. Although "quality bonding time" generally means for us just not getting into verbally-cutting fights. Dad and I finally had one of those talks that we used to have today. I had been wondering for a while if he was going to stay with mom once darcy and I were gone for college, and I asked him so. He will stay with her, but he's not very excited at the thought of it. He's past the point of ever wanting to date again and he and mom actually have some good times together and work well together to some extent. I may agree on the "to some extent" part, but it sounds more to me like he's trying to psych himself into wanting to be there with her. I hope he can convince himself because if he isn't happy here it's going to be like he's serving a life prison-sentence. I'm scared for him.

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:: 2004 15 June :: 8.36 pm

Got home from UF about nine last night. Preview was okay, there was just so incredibly much information being thrown at me in a single day. I think I forgot most of it by trying so hard to absorb it all. The day that we got there from Orlando (saturday) we went apartment hunting. My parents want to buy me a three or four bedroom apartment or house and rent out the other three rooms so that not only is the mortgage of the apartment covered, but they actually make money on it too. I'm not going to get it in time for the fall but I'll only have to spend the first semester in a dorm and I can move into the apartment over winter break. I'm so excited! How awesome would it be to live with Laura and Richelle?

Anyway the second day I spent the entire day setting up a meal plan, getting my Gator-1 card, reserving my textbooks and working on my schedule. I had to rework my schedule four times and it probably took me a total of four or five hours to make it, and it turned out to mean completely shit because it all changed when I got to my academic advising appointment. Every single class I wanted was closed and I ended up with a bad schedule and two classes that I didn't need and didn't relate to my major. I went online when I came home though and changed it all back myself to the way I wanted it. Now I only have three classes and they're the classes I want. This semester is going to be hard but next semester I'm taking a great schedule: two psychology classes, a public speaking class, and a spanish class. The public speaking class is the only one I need for my majors, the other three are just ones i'm interested in. One of the psychology classes is a comparative psychology based on animal behavior, how cool is that? I love going into college as a sophmore and I have the time to take all the classes I want. I could get these double-major degrees in three years if I wanted but I'm just going to take my time and explore everything that interests me.

My parents and I are better now, although my car is still for sale. But then I wasn't going to have a car in college anyway. They've accepted that I'm going to continue seeing Steve through the summer as long as I definitely end it when I go to college.

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:: 2004 12 June :: 10.32 pm

I've been in Orlando on vacation since last Saturday afternoon. My family and I just got to Gainesville today for Orientation.

I wrote something during vacation that I will post later when I have more time. Since I wrote that, however, so much has happened to change everything.

My parents have found out again. This was it. I have lost everything. They will no longer support me in any way, including any college costs or even medical insurance, which could kill me. Worst of all, I've lost my family. My mom still speaks to me, but it is strained. My dad will have nothing to do with me. He doesn't look at me and tries his hardest not to say anything to me. It hurts especially so that he and I were once so close and for so long while my mom and I always battled, and yet it is he who so easily has turned his back on me. I can't imagine what a disappointment I am to both of them.

Needless to say, that phone call put a damper on the rest of my vacation. Steve was there for me though, and I have never cried so hard or so long in anyone's arms before. I won't get into details just now about everything that this means or everything that happened between Steve and I or my family and I in the days afterward. In short though, I still plan on us breaking up at the end of the summer even if I do have to support myself now, and he wants to get married. My last summer here and I don't know if I'm going to survive it.

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:: 2004 27 May :: 4.11 pm

You can't keep popping in and out of my life whenever you feel like it. Either stick around like a real friend does or disappear altogether as a real ex-boyfriend does. Which is it you want to be and could you let me know?

Note: If you choose to be my friend, it would be nice if you let me be yours as well. You ask for a lot of personal details without sharing any of your own. Who's shutting out who now?

I know your first instinct is to be offended by this, but take a moment and consider it, am I wrong in any way? If I'm misunderstanding something, let me know.

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:: 2004 27 May :: 3.04 pm

I know I've said this a hundred times before, but god I love my friends. I know people always like their friends or they wouldn't be their friends, but mine are such an amazing group of awesome people that I can't imagine there is any out there like them in the world. I consider myself the luckiest person in the world to have them as my best friends. The night started out sucking but turned into one of the best nights I've ever had.

Around noon I decided that for my birthday night we should all go down to boomers in fort lauderdale since it's so much bigger and better, and on the way back stop in at las olas. I looked it up online, found out it closed at 2am, and told everyone the plan. Jill and her boyfriend Mike started driving down on their own about 10 while everyone else was scheduled to meet at Gary's house and leave at the same time. Inspections were going on at Applebee's the next day, however, so Gary and Laura were very late getting out of there and we didn't start driving down until 11. Here my luck kicks in again. There happens to be construction going on in boca on I-95 at 11 at night and three lanes are closed. We sat there not moving for twenty minutes. While waiting, Jill - who was already at boomers - called to tell me that they were closing at 12, not 2, so there was no point in continuing to drive all the way down there. We got off in boca and stopped in at the don carters' down there, thinking about having a bowling night. However, for the seven of us, it would have cost $70 to bowl for just one hour, so of course we left. At this point I was pretty ticked off, but not totally unhappy because everyone was making me laugh so much, especially Gary. We decided to head back to Gary's and pick up some provisions on the way. Our car stopped for beer and ended up buying two cases of 18 beers each, and Gary's car picked up a ton of pot. Once at Gary's the twins tried teaching us a drinking game called Fuck You, but considering each of them talk extremely fast, have a heavy accent, and sometimes have trouble with english, it was an extremely interesting experience of the rest of us trying to learn this game. It turned out to be an awesome game though, and we played for more than two hours straight. By the end the six of them had polished off thirty beers altogether (since I can't drink I had to take hits every time it was my turn). Everyone was so messed up that they had to stay the night, and I didn't get home until 5:30 in the morning.

Now what made that night great wasn't the beer or the pot, it was who I was with. Even before that stuff was there and even if it hadn't been there at all, I still would have an amazing blast. I laughed non-stop the entire night, and the incredible thing is that I always do - everyone does - every single time we all hang out together. This wasn't a fluke, this is how much fun we have together, these are the kind of times and memories we always make, and I don't know how many people can honestly say that they have a group of friends that they can do the same thing with. Mine is an extremely rare group of best friends and I'm lucky enough not only to have them, but realize how special they are and appreciate them to the full extent that they deserve. I love you all so much, thank you for giving me one of the best birthdays I've ever had.

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:: 2004 25 May :: 12.22 am

There's been so much going on these last two weeks that I haven't been able to sit and absorb the feeling of being a high school graduate. Even after exams were done, there have been so many end of the year ceremonies and banquets. Since Saturday all I've been doing is bouncing around to everyone's graduation parties too. I usually love getting dressed up but I'm starting to get sick of it, and I'm running out of dresses.

(Speaking of graduation parties, everyone better be coming to mine: Saturday, May 29 at my house, starting at 4. Dress is casual so everyone please stop asking!)

I feel lost now. Since Saturday I've just been wandering around, not able to shake the feeling that there's something I should be doing, that I must be procrastinating on something and I should start on it. I can't convince myself that it's all done now, there's nothing left to do anymore. I cried at graduation, but I haven't cried since. I just can't believe that this is the end, I can't ever imagine not seeing these people every day. They've become a part of who I am. I am lucky enough to be going to college with an amazing group of friends by my side, but I'm still terrified of losing touch with the friends I love so much that will be so far away. I have hard time letting go, I've always known that about myself, but in this case I don't want to. Now I'm starting to cry, now it's sinking in. I know that no matter how much we all promise to stay best friends and stay in touch, it's unrealistic to believe that we really will for an extended period of time, but I can't stand the thought of losing all of you. I love you all so much, thank you for everything you've given me and taught me, and thank you for making me the person that I am today.

It's 12:15 am, it's my birthday today. God how long have I waited for this 18th birthday. Now that it's come all I feel is relief, and a great deal of sadness. Because I made a mistake, because I was an idiot, I'll be spending this birthday alone. All of my friends are working or out of town today so the only plans I made for my birthday were plans with Steve. Now I'm left with nothing and no one. My own fault of course, I don't deserve anything more. Whether you believe this or not, I am so sorry Steve. I know I told you this before and I know it doesn't mean much, but I regret more than anything I have ever done in my life what I did. I can't believe I would hurt you, something I swore to both of us that I would never do. You deserve to cast me out, you deserve better than what I can give you. I love you and I wish you so much happiness. I miss you so much it hurts though.

Happy Birthday to me

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:: 2004 19 May :: 2.21 pm

I don't know what it was that inspired you to read my journal after so long, I don't know why it is you don't seem as happy as you used to be, but I've come to know this. I thought I had gotten over what happened so long ago, that it didn't hurt anymore and I was completely recovered from it. I didn't realize the impact that your words last night would have. I guess I wasn't as healed as I thought, because I felt like I had been waiting to hear those words without even knowing it. I know now that I couldn't get over what happened because I had thought you didn't care about it, but you fixed that for me. You closed a wound that I hadn't realized was still open. I don't have your poetry to express how grateful I am to you, all I can say is thank you, and hope that you know how much I mean it.

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:: 2004 18 May :: 6.45 pm

Just got back from the chem exam a little while ago. Dear God that was a long test, 3 and half hours. I'm so happy now though, the hard part is over. Tomorrow morning is the options part which is twice as easy.

Everything has been crazy, there's so much going on. Thursday night was our last ever Eagle-ette show. The show we were going to do later on at Cross Pointe (yeah Glenn, the same one as last year at your mom's school) but they never got back to Dicillo about times so we got out of it. I don't think it's really sunk in yet that that was the last time I would ever perform or be counted as a member of the Eagle-ettes. Afterwards we hung around Veteran's park and got some ice cream (take a guess who's idea that was). Then I stopped over at Steve's because he wasn't feeling too well before heading home.

Friday night Laura, Alberto and Steve and I went to play pool, it was the first time Laura and I had played in forever and would have been embarrassing except the guys were worse than us. After Alberto broke the first game, it actually took all four of us more than ten minutes before a single person got in a single ball. We were all pretty pathetic but it was still a lot of fun. Laura and I are going to play pool Thursday afternoon to practice so we can team up and beat them horribly next time.

Saturday I finally started training for my new job, summer camp counselor at the YMCA. The training was incredibly long (8:30am-5:30pm) but the second half was okay and even a little fun. Jill and Francesca were working there that day too so on our breaks Francesca would hook me up with free food and I could sit by the pool talking with Jill. I'm looking for a second job for nights and weekends, so if anyone knows of anything, let me know.

Saturday night I went over to Danielle Harder's to plan out this scavenger hunt that we had to do for the new Eagle-ette officers, then she and Steve and I went to a party. She stayed there with her sister and Steve and I went home to watch movies and eat Thin Mint Ice cream (my recently discovered new favorite that I've been storing at his house). Since Danielle and I had to set up this scavenger hunt at 7 in the morning I just stayed at his house that night since it was just down the street from Danielle's.

Sunday morning was fun, despite the fact that I had to get up at 7 and was dead tired. We woke up Charde and dragged her out in her pajamas. We took her to Dunkin Donuts where she had to order our food and while they were making it she had to burst out singing and dancing to "I will Survive." Her next clue was in the bathroom under the sink. Next we had to take her to IHOP where she had to interview five people with the sanity questions that we gave her (written by Gary)

1. Do you eat your own feces?
2. Are you the queen of england?
3. Do you wake up every morning with the theme song of mission impossible in your head?
4. When you go to the bathroom, do you have an imaginary friend that wipes your gerbil?

Thanks Gary, but that last question is just disturbing.

Next she had to go into a gas station and start a conversation with the saleslady about beer prices at 8 in the morning and then ask where the condoms and tampons were and what the biggest size they came in was. Poor girl

Sunday afternoon consisted of sleeping. Sunday night was the Eagle-ette banquet which was pretty good. I was very excited to wear my new black dress, how sad. I cried so much during my senior speech, it was so bad. I had it all written out and then because I was crying I couldn't see the page and had to make it all up again anyway. I can't believe I'm not going to be seeing almost any of these girls ever again. Jenn, Stephanie, Danielle, everyone, I love you all so much!

Yesterday was....what the hell is the matter with me?

Today, long long ass chem exam, three and half hours. another one tomorrow at 8 am! yay!

God, i cannot wait for graduation (four days) my birthday (one week), my grad party (one week and four days) or the week in orlando with my friends at a resort (two and a half weeks)!!

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