a long search for something i don't want to find

a long search for something i don't want to find

:: 2004 29 April :: 9.16 pm

Man I've really let this journal go. It would take too long to go through everything of the last three weeks, and I'm getting the feeling that no one reads these epic-size entries anyway so just the highlights:

1) I got a job: summer camp counselor (again) at the YMCA. I'm looking for a second job to work nights and weekends so if you know of anything, let me know.

2) My parents went to Vegas. Left me and my sister alone for four days. In truth this weekend is the only thing in three weeks worth writing about.

3) Prom: In a word, funny. I love my friends, I love that I'm always laughing with them. Yes, it was extremely depressing not having a date and remembering how great past proms were with dates. It was worst sitting at Carrabbas for dinner in our prom dresses and no less than five people asked us where all the guys were. Afterparty ended up being at our own hotel, which would have been cool except we got three phone calls from the hotel to shut-up and Michelle went into a drunken panic-attack. It was so great seeing Eilan again though.

4) Saturday night party: Extremely amusing and entertaining, that would pretty much sum it up. Gary's back! He came with Eilan and the two of them together is just fucking awesome in any kind of setting. Gary had his guitar with him and played/sang some songs. His voice is so hot it's scary. We finally met Zach, the guy Hillary's been telling us about. He's nice, although I didn't get to talk to him much.

7) LAURA COMES HOME THIS WEEKEND!

8) My 18th birthday is coming up and I'm so excited. I can't wait to go clubbing in fort lauderdale and miami.

1 comment | leave a comment

:: 2004 21 April :: 6.00 pm

FROZEN QUEEN/ KING
You dont want love to come through to you. You like
it the way you are. To be unreachable, no need
to show feelings. Hiding everything inside you.
You are already used to it. You say yourself
that you dont need anyone, that you stand on
your own two feet or that you dont have time
for these things. But in reality you are scared
to get hurt. You feel save where you are: by
yourself, nobody can hurt you there. You
invent your own relationship in your dreams.
You just need to know that you COULD get a
partner.
Thats it.

~THE big LOVE TEST!! What do you need? With PICS! For girls and boys!~
brought to you by Quizilla

Well that's depressing. What's worse is that I honestly think it nailed me. It's everything I don't like admitting that I am. How ironic it takes a kid's online survey to show it.

leave a comment

:: 2004 11 April :: 3.56 pm

This is the lowest point I've been at for a long time. My heart hurts but besides that I feel nothing else. I've laid in bed for hours on end, feeling no desire to move, no desire to see tomorrow.

leave a comment

:: 2004 5 April :: 9.51 pm

PASSIONATE LOVER. You love to love, always looking
for a relationship. You cannot live without it.
Your lover must be passionate and you want
that you and your partner melt into each other.
He/She should not try to take the domination .
You dont want a relationship without passion,
and the sexuality plays a big part. The first
moment you meet him/her is one of the most
important. There has to be something between
you , you cannot explain. From the first moment
on everything must fix. But when this passion
disappears you disappear to. For you it is
better to leave than to see your love
restrained.

~THE big LOVE TEST!! What do you need? With PICS! For girls and boys!~
brought to you by Quizilla

Everything sounds pretty right except the leaving part, I'll do pretty much anything to avoid being alone, including staying in a relationship with restrained love.

leave a comment

:: 2004 3 April :: 4.03 pm

1) if u could give me a nicname what would it be and why?
2) how long have we known eachother and how/when did we meet?
3) what makes me smile?
4) what makes me cry?
5) if u could dedicate a song to me what would it be?
6) if u could give me anything what would u give me?
7) is there anything u want to say to me but cant?
8) have u ever made a move on me? ;)
9) if so did i respond?
10) did i want to respond?
11) have u ever regretted anything that has to do w/ me? if so then what?
12) have u ever/do u love me?
13) do u think u can tell me anything?
14) what reminds u of me?
15) have i ever made u cry/want to cry?
16) have u ever made me cry intentionally?
17) would u ever give up on me if i got depressed/screwed up?
18) when was the last time we saw eachother?
19) have i ever said something that hurt u?
20) have u/would u ever kiss me?
21) if i said i loved you how would u respond?(not neccessary to answer if u dont wanna)
22) would u ever make me a promise u know u cant keep?
23) will u ever forget about me?

1 comment | leave a comment

:: 2004 29 March :: 10.14 pm

I won a scholarship!

I got a letter today informing me that I was the winner of the BellSouth National Merit Special Scholarship.

$2,500!!!

leave a comment

:: 2004 28 March :: 6.23 pm

I know no one except me cares about every little thing I did while in Gainesville, but since it was my first and last trip up before I move there, you'll just have to suffer through the details.

Andres had found me an ID to use for clubs, but not yet one for Richelle. They and Laura and I tried going to 8 Seconds, a country dance club, and they wouldn't accept Richelle's OWL card, so she and Andres stayed out together and Laura and I went in. We ran into Hillary and her sister there, Hill was drunk already and getting down and dirty with some guy. Everyone there seemed to already know the line dances, so Laura and I looked a little out of place as we watched everyone and attempted the same moves. We met up with Richelle and Andres and just went back to Laura's to eat until Alberto got there. Andres was being a little bitch the entire night, and was even rude when Alberto came in. .Get over yourself.

We had been planning on waking up in time to go to the mall the next day before Laura had class at 3, but ended up sleeping in and missing it. Alberto went with his brother to look at apartments to buy and I dropped Laura off at class. Alberto picked her up afterwards and when she went to work that night I went with him back to his friend Lelis' house with him and Alejandro. After smoking a little they wanted to go to the mall themselves, but it was pretty bad timing. While I was sitting outside the entrance with the guys while they finished their cigarettes Alberto spotted Richelle and Andres coming out of a store right inside. I ran in to say hi, but they had already seen me, and they saw who I was with. They were with Mike Davies and his latest girl and I was still talking to them when the guys finally came in. Richelle was panicking as Alejandro got closer but Andres turned around and walked away when he saw him. I helped Alberto pick out two skirts and a cute top for Laura to wear that night and went back to Lelis. She met up with us after work, loved the clothes, and the rest of the Spanish crew arrived. We had all been planning to go to a club called Simons but when Andres found out that Alejandro was coming, he refused to come, even when Laura asked him to put everything aside for her birthday and Richelle was crying because she wanted to come with us but couldn't without Andres. He's a little punk-ass bitch. Alejandro has no problem with him, he didn't care if he came, Richelle was okay with it too. Andres is the only person that still gives a fuck anymore.
1) it was seven months ago
2) he didn't do anything wrong. he never forced her to do anything
3) YOU WERE BROKEN UP AT THE TIME. IT WAS YOUR DECISION TO BREAK UP WHEN YOU MOVED THERE.
4) Alejandro treated her better in that one month than you did the entire year before combined.

That was a shitty thing to do, especially for the birthday of someone who is supposed to be one of his best friends. Grow up jackass.

Simon's was a pretty cool club. I kind of missed out on enjoying all the college guys though, I danced with Alejandro the entire two hours. It was insanely hot inside but Alejandro found the upstairs dance floor that was outside so it was nice and cool. I had no strength left in my legs, it had been a looong time since I'd danced that hard for that long. We didn't do much after that, just basically hung out with the hispanic crew, and ended up back at Laura's about 4.

Yesterday was complete awesomeness. We were supposed to wake up by 8 or 9 to go to Ginnie Springs, but Laura and Alberto and I ended up sleeping in until 11. We eventually made it out there though and that place is the very definition of middle of nowhere. It was a half hour drive from campus through cow country, but the spring was gorgeous. There were underwater caves that everyone was scuba diving in, which I really wanted to do but I'm still not certified. All fifteen of us rented tubes and chilled out on the water. The guys of course had to climb the highest trees they could to jump into the water. Brian became my date for the day, although he still owes me a hat. We played some volleyball and Laura and I actually didn't embarrass ourselves as much as we thought we would. We had an entire cooler stocked with beer, no one at the springs cared. I never saw a single staff person, they just leave alone and let you do what you want. The guys were pulling out a pipe in front of everyone as Laura and I were leaving. I love that place now, it's such a great place to have some fun and relax. We had dinner with Bri and Maggie, neither of whom I particularly like, and Laura's friend Karissa who was visiting from Orlando.

After dinner we all went back to Laura's just as Alberto was pulling up. They all drank some rum and Coronas and we headed over to the club Jet-set with the spanish crew. Now this club was a little more crowded, a little louder, and in general, a little crazier. I love clubbing, I love dancing, I love getting out on the dance floor and cutting loose. So as crazy as the club was, I kind of got a little crazy too. I danced with every single guy of our hispanic crew (which totaled 11), was sandwiched between two guys for more time than I danced with just one, and three different times Laura's mouth dropped when she saw moves I did. Glenn had been shocked when he saw me dance for the first time at prom last year, and it was the same with the whole crew, they couldn't believe I could be so quiet the rest of the time and then break out like I did there last night. Not only that, but they were extremely impressed that I could keep it up for two hours straight, I never got tired.

Again, not much happened afterwards. We all went back to Lelis' and smoked and drank. Alejandro and I danced a little more, Brian irritated the shit out of my with his goddamn laser light rings until I smacked him a few times. We got back to Laura's about 5:15 and I had to get up at 9 to start driving home. I seriously almost passed out a dozen times on the road. At one point I drifted into the next lane, but luckily no one was there. My legs are absolutely killing me. Three nights in a row of hard dancing plus an hour of running in the sand for volleyball yesterday; I'm going to be feeling this for a week. I can't believe we have school tomorrow, I need sleep. So that was my spring break everyone, and it's been my best vacation yet. Hope you all had great times too.

leave a comment

:: 2004 25 March :: 5.45 pm

my spring break kicks ass.

The cruise was fun, although somehow I ended up sleeping more in those three days than I have the last two weeks combined. Finally got some sun though, and although I'm still not tan, I'm at least not blindingly white anymore.

I was only home for a day and a half from the cruise when suddenly I was on the road to Gainesville. My mom suddenly decided at 11 yesterday morning that I could go to UF and that I should leave by 1 that afternoon. Some last minute plans were put together and I was on the road. I'm incredibly grateful to them for letting me go, but I hope they didn't do it out of guilt. I deserved the punishment I got, I don't deserve to be here, and although I love that I'm here, I've been feeling guilty the entire time too.

Yesterday was pretty laid back. I got here about 7 just as Laura was about ready to leave for dance practice. We hopped in her car and she picked up Cara and Richelle on the way. Richelle and I were dropped off at Andres' gym while they went to practice, and we got to meet all the cool people Andres works for and take a couple turns coming down the zip line they had set up. Their rock-climbing wall is huge, it's intimidating just standing there looking up at it. I'm fine with climbing up it, it's the part where I get to the top and have to come down that bothers me. We'll attempt it at some point during the trip. Once we left the gym we stopped at Andres' apartment so he could get changed and they ended up having a little fight in his room while I excused myself and sat downstairs for 45 minutes waiting for them. We went to a breakdancing club, and the people there were awesome. Richelle and I were content to just watch, we're pretty realistic about our own breakdancing ability. Brendan, one of the guys we met an Andres gym, met up with us while we were there and came to the Pita Pit afterwards to eat with us. Laura called once she got out of practice and said she had a lot of work to do and since we were all definitely going out tonight for Hillary's birthday, she was going to stay in last night to finish what she had to do. That was fine with us, we were all tired by 12:30 anyway, so they gave me a lift back to Laura's, hung out for a little bit, and everyone called it a night.

Laua had to make a trip over to Orlando to get her Scottish costume refitted and left at 8 this morning. I got up at 10:30 and took the bus over to the campus. I was lost right away, but once I got my bearings it was all good. I saw the Broward dorms and dining area, I really hope that's the one I get. Once the bus took me back to my car at the mall, I ran in to buy a couple birthday cards for Laura and Hillary. I drove to an animal hospital I had seen on my way to the mall and the lady was sooo nice there. She was really enthusiastic when I explained why I was there and offered to give me a tour of the facility and an application. I really liked the hospital, it would be awesome to work there. I drove over to the vet school next, but there wasn't really anyone around that I could sit down and talk to. I got to see all the horse they had there though :-). On my way back from the vet school I found another animal hospital and picked up another application. It would be awesome to have a job with a vet office waiting for me when I get up here. I'm spending now while Laura is at work to fill them out and I'll drop them off tomorrow.
So tonight is Hillary's birthday celebration, Laura's roommate is picking up some alcohol for the group and we're going to try to get into a couple of clubs. From what people tell us it shouldn't be much of a problem as long as we don't try to buy drinks there. If all else fails, Andres' friend works at a bar and he put all our names on a list so we're set. It doesn't have dancing, but it'll at least be a place to go if there's nothing else.
Alberto comes up tonight, or rather tomorrow morning, about 5 am. I can't believe he's driving up here directly after work. I then move from sharing Laura's bed to the couch, not that I care. It's her apartment, her birthday weekend, and he's her boyfriend, duh. I feel bad enough just taking up the couch.
Tomorrow we're all supposedly going to the mall, then spanish dancing at night (should be interesting for us gringas). Saturday Laura says we're going to the springs, wherever that is. Oh well, I'm here with an awesome group of friends so I've been having a blast and will continue to the entire time no matter what we end up doing. Hope you all are as happy as I am.

leave a comment

:: 2004 23 March :: 1.11 am

ANIMAL
You have an animal soul! Arent you lucky! You are
very interactive with animals and can
understand them even if you dont speak their
tongue. The birds arent afraid of you, deer can
eat out of your palm, and every dog will roll
over for you. As an Animal Soul, you follow
your instinct, sometimes making rash decisions,
and not thinking properly. If you dont
understand something, you reject and push it
away, and can get very disastrous when angry.
At the same time, youre a very kind person who
can make people feel better, and are
understanding and compassionate. One of the
great things about you is that your rarely
jealous, and know that you have to share and
help other people if you want to survive this
world. You are very loyal and optimistic, and
can make it through the toughest times.

What Kind of SOUL do you posses? (For Girls only) Incredible Anime Pictures!
brought to you by Quizilla
"sometimes making rash decisions and not thinking properly" - story of my life right there

"disasterous when angry" - most definitely, not that i'm proud or like it

"can make it through the toughest times" - we'll see, that's still being tested

leave a comment

:: 2004 8 March :: 6.46 pm

Man I needed today. Woke up before anyone else in the house and threw a towel and swimsuit in my car before they could notice. It's been 100 degrees out every single day for the last two weeks, I step outside this morning and find out that ANOTHER cold front has swept through during the night in God's second attempt at keeping me from the beach and keeping me from actually being happy for once. Even though it was pretty cold, I said fuck that to quitting the beach idea and drove down to atlantic ave anyway. Richelle met up with me a half hour later and we hit the beach. We froze our asses off at first, then grabbed a bench so that the big umbrella back would shield us from the cold wind. Ahh, that was so nice. A hot lifeguard told us it was $5 per hour for the bench but we gave him five and he let us stay on for three hours anyway. He said he was being generous today, then asked if we needed an oil rub. I started to say sure but Richelle stopped me and he left, although he would stop and talk occasionally. Laura, who was supposed to meet us at 8, didn't show up until 11 with Alberto and Danielle Harder in tow. Richelle and I were pretty ticked but since I never see Laura I wasn't going to waste time with her being mad. Richelle was the good girl today and went to classes, while I went with Danielle, Laura, and Alberto to Spanish River Beach. I also smoked for the first time. Laura was very proud of me, Richelle was mad she missed it, and Steve's going to be so pissed when he finds out because of every single time I've passed up smoking with him. I finally do it and he's not there, I think he's going to be seriously mad at me. Oh well.

Spanish River was fun, met up with a bunch of other spanish guys and they all chatted with each other in spanish while Laura and Danielle and I sat there feeling like stupid gringas.

Just got a call from my mom a minute ago. All I have to say to it is "burn in hell bitch"

leave a comment

:: 2004 29 February :: 7.29 pm

see, this is what happens when you're locked in a house 24 hours a day for weeks and then find a survey website

You have an entrancing kiss~ the kind that leaves
your partner bedazzled and maybe even feeling
he/she is dreaming. Quite effective; the kiss
that never lessens and always blows your
partner away like the first time.

What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Aphrodite/Eros

?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

i have to find a single quiz in which i actually believe the results describe me

Innocent

What's your sexual appeal?
brought to you by Quizilla

"evil old man" part was very, extremely NOT FUNNY! damn these stupid quizzes!

cho
You're chocolate. You're the old soul type, people
feel that they have known you their entire
life. Many often open up to you for they view
you as thoughtful and trustworthy. Although
people trust you, you have a hard time trusting
them. You prefer to keep your feelings bottled
up inside, or display them very quietly. It is
alright to open up every once in a while.

Which kind of candy are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

i guess i really am what i eat

leave a comment

:: 2004 28 February :: 10.58 pm

half
Your half- angel. Not exactly human, but not quite
angel, you walk on earth freely. Half-Angels
have no wings, but tend to show some signs.
Some ways to notice these are that the girl
never menstrates, she cannot bleed, and her
touch seems to give of a glow. No one really
knows how half-angels are born. Some say that
when a child is born, one of the angels blesses
her with her gifts. Others say that they are
cursed creatures, because half-angels cannot
die, while their familly and friends around
them do. Hlaf-Angels are very beautiful and
Kind, and have the power to speak to animals,
but at the same time, sad that they are this
way. Some Half-Angels love being human. Being
able to see, smell, hear, taste,and feel are
all miracles to them. They crave to be more
human-all the time.

What Kind of ANGEL are you? (For Girls only) This Quiz has amazingly Beautiful Pictures!
brought to you by Quizilla

ironic that it's a picture of a redhead, isn't it?

You are a temptress

Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

umm, right

1 comment | leave a comment