Kandy

Kandy

:: 2006 31 August :: 10.55pm

The never ending party = My Utopia
I was told today that I should find where I stand with God. That I should get to know Him and let him know who I am. But I dont even know who I am myself. Shouldn't I find that out before I show him who I am? And what if there isn't a God, then I just wasted all that time trying to find him. It's like the never ending game of hide and go seek. And what about hell? Why does everyone have to go there? I mean, is it only Jesus and God in heaven? Because everyone is a sinner. No one is perfect. And everyone that tells me to find God and get saved are a bunch of hipicritical in my eyes. I bet 20 dollors that they dont follow all the ten commandments (which I also think is a buncha mumbo-jumbo). I mean noone does follow them. And if they do there is no way that they follow all of them. I dont know. I just find it rediculous. I mean, if we're all going to hell (if there is one) then it must not be that bad because come on, if everyone else is going there I want to go too because heaven would be boring and lonely. And who's to say there is a heaven or a hell? What if this is hell that we're in right now? I dont quite believe in heaven, I mean I dont really believe in anything at the moment but I think instead of going to heaven, everyone has their own little Utopia that they go to. I dont think someone deserves to go to hell let alone appologize for saying "God Damn" or "Jesus Fucking Christ". You only deserve it if you are like a murderer or a rapiest or something. And praying I think is rediculous unless it's needed. I dont pray, I feel rediculous when I do. It's like talking to air. And asking God for forgiveness? I dont get it...Why ask him to forgive me for that beer I drank last night when he hasnt asked for forgiveness when he let my grandma die of cancer, when he watched me get my heartbroken by that asshole, or yesterday when he turned his back as my car broke down in the ghetto? If I have to ask him to forgive me he should ask for forgiveness in return. Because yes I have to power to control my actions and what I do, but I dont have the power to cure illnesses or change the weather or anything. Thats another reason that makes me feel like there is no God. If there was, wouldn't he want his childern to be happy? I'd like to think so. I know my parents would do anything to make me and my sibblings happy, why doesn't he?

I pulled a Jesus fish off the bumper of my car yesterday in the burger king parking lot and I noticed a few funny glares from people, esspecially my friend Ashley (aka - Smashley). Why should I get dirty looks for not letting it look like I worship something that I dont? I dont want to give people the wrong idea. Thats like drawing anachry simbols when you're a republican, or having a "Freedom isnt free" bumper sticker when you live in China.

What brings this up is I had a kid that drinks almost everyday, does drugs, and has horrible permiscuous sex told me that I need to find my place with God. wtf? This kid thinks I'm just the anti-christ I think. I mean we're friends and all but he just assumes that I'm athiest and that I'm racest and all this. I think I just look like a kkk-nazi-athiest bitch to him or something. And that's not how I am. I'm not athiest or racest, I'm just opinionated...

I think if there is a God, I'd like to think that we're on good terms right about now. I stay out of His business, He stays out of mine. I dont ask Him for anything, He doesnt ask for much out of me either. It's an easy relationship to obtain.

1 No way... | Tell me...

chelthesmell

:: 2006 31 August :: 10.11am

Fucking the Lebaron took a shit in my cheerios. God fucking damnit. now i'm late for work and i'm just wasting time so i'm even more late. oh fucking well i guess.

Good thing I have an awesome friend like Box to take care of me when i'm in danger though. lol.

Tell me...

rayray

:: 2006 31 August :: 8.39pm
:: Mood: Exhausted.
:: Music: Better Than Me - Hinder

Sometimes you just have to hang on and hope you don't fall off.
Things are so chaotic right now.
I mean big cluster-fuck of a mess.
Not sure how it happened.
I hate being in a financial rut.
Hopefully I will be out of it soon now that I have a job.
They keep uping our hourly rate at work, and then get pissed when we can't meet it.
Sorry 'bout your luck you dumb bastards, but when you stick a new person or two over there every two days, rate won't be met.
Especially when the new people have never even done the line, or worked in a factory before.

Tomorrow my brother leaves to go back to college.
And I never did make it over there this week to go see him.
My sister and brother-in-law are coming up this weekend.
Atleast that is what I heard through the grapevine.

My landlord is a nazi.
But atleast she's letting me pay a little bit each week until I get caught up.
Oh yay.. They are doing fire-extinguisher/smoke alarm inspections the 7th of September..
I guess I better put the battery back in one of the alarms and put back on the ceiling.

I love my boyfriend.
And Brianna hasn't updated or commented in awhile.
I hope everything is alright with her and the baby.

4 No way... | Tell me...

Eddy

:: 2006 29 August :: 11.54pm

Fields of Gold

You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
You'll forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we walk in the fields of gold

So she took her love
For to gaze awhile
Upon the fields of barley
In his arms she fell as her hair came down
Among the fields of gold

Will you stay with me, will you be my love
Among the fields of barley
We'll forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we lie in the fields of gold

See the west wind move like a lover so
Upon the fields of barley
Feel her body rise when you kiss her mouth
Among the fields of gold
I never made promises lightly
And there have been some that I've broken
But I swear in the days still left
We'll walk in the fields of gold
We'll walk in the fields of gold

Many years have passed since those summer days
Among the fields of barley
See the children run as the sun goes down
Among the fields of gold
You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
You can tell the sun in his jealous sky
When we walked in the fields of gold
When we walked in the fields of gold
When we walked in the fields of gold

No matter what's wrong, this song always manages to put me in a good mood again. =) The melody, and the words, and just the overall feeling of it is so calming.

Thank you, Sting ^_^

Tell me...

chelthesmell

:: 2006 29 August :: 9.23pm
:: Music: Tom Petty - You Got Lucky

So I got the internet back! yay!

Gravid and I might hang out tonight

Mindy and I will hang out tomorrow!

Yay! I'm just a happy girl...!=)

1 No way... | Tell me...

chelthesmell

:: 2006 28 August :: 3.15am

So, the Lebaron is in the drive way. runs beautifully. we're best friends. yay! Mindy has yet to meet her yet though. lol. sucks to be her because the lebaron is awesome. yup....and thats just how cool i am for now.

2 No way... | Tell me...

Eddy	:: 2006 27 August :: 9.05pm Outing! Who wants to go watch the American Idol auditions with me on the 5th at Fredrik Meyer Gardens? Sounds like fun, huh? =P 8 No way... \| Tell me...

Eddy

:: 2006 27 August :: 5.45pm

I don't think you trust,
In, my, self righteous suicide,

Why have you forsaken me,
In your eyes forsaken me,
In your thoughts forsaken me,
In your heart forsaken, me

P.S. I just found a Sarah Brightman (with Gregorian Chant) cover of a HIM song =S, not just that...the song happened to be "Join Me". Those of you who've heard that song will understand the strangeness.

Tell me...

Kate	:: 2006 27 August :: 6.58pm It is so beautiful here! I think I will like it here a lot. What a long flight.. what a wonderful start. I've been here about an hour and a half and I'm already in love! 3 No way... \| Tell me...

Kate	:: 2006 26 August :: 12.20pm By the time you read this, I'm probably on a plane to Warsaw, Poland. 2 No way... \| Tell me...

Eddy

:: 2006 26 August :: 12.41am

Today
Wow, crazy. Saw a bunch of people I knew at work today. Most of them people I haven't seen in forever. It was nice =)

In order, I saw:

Sandi
Drew Preston
Nate and Beth
Lunch Box and A.J.
and then finally, Bradley and Bonnie =)

I realized I miss a lot of my old friends. =( I still miss our giant group we all had, when everyone (at least openly) got along, and almost no one hated each other. lol. Oh well....reminiscence...

I hate you real world.

6 No way... | Tell me...

rayray

:: 2006 26 August :: 5.21am

this getting up so damn early is kicking my ass.
I'm one sleep deprived cranky-ass right now.
I need a new job.
I wouldn't complain about it, if I actually got paid decent.

Tell me...

Kate	:: 2006 24 August :: 2.44am :: Music: Death Cab For Cutie - Sound of Settling Just so you know.. 1 No way... \| Tell me...

rayray

:: 2006 22 August :: 5.20am

Okay, so the beginning of yesterday was one of the worst days of my life.
Things seem to be back on track.
Or at least getting there.
I still feel incredibly sick.
And I would give anything to go back to sleep right now.
But only if he was going to be next to me.

I don't recommend bouncing off the rail of a pool either.
It hurts.

Tell me...

Eddy	:: 2006 20 August :: 6.11am :: Music: It's Raining on Prom Night Ain't nothin' like cleaning the house at 6 in the morning while listening to the soundtrack to Grease and dancing. Just because I can. 18 No way... \| Tell me...

rayray

:: 2006 20 August :: 4.36pm

So much drama, it's rediculous.
Last night when we were at the bar, there was a drug bust, a big fight.
Then we go back to Leons and there's 5 cop cars, and cops swarmed around this trailer with their guns pulled. Some guy tried to kill himself after he body slammed his girlfriend.
Then we go back to the bar and the cops show up again, because some guy couldn't find his girlfriend, the last thing he knew was that 2 guys ran her off the road. So he was freaking out.
And then somewhere in between there, Courtney showed up to the bar. Stupid bitch.
Just seeing her ruined my night.
Didnt get home til 5 this morning because Leon and I were sitting in the rain talking.
I needed to get some stuff off my chest, so I stuck around after Mike came home.
And now Im sitting here watching Lifetime movies.

Oh and I got a job at GRC in Greenville. I start monday. First shift.
It's only 8 dollars an hour. Sucky. But atleast it's something.

1 No way... | Tell me...

Iron-Cipher

:: 2006 17 August :: 2.47am

Elaphant cookies how I love you!

2 No way... | Tell me...

rayray

:: 2006 17 August :: 11.34pm

I love him more than anything, but something isn't right.
The fact that I can ignore all his flaws and still love everything about him and not be annoyed by him doesn't seem right to me.
The fact that I have to think of my mom to get pissed off to get pissed at him and fight back isn't right.
I don't understand how he can fight with me, not talk about it, and have things be back to normal all within 15 minutes.
It confuses me how one person who does so much for me and everyone else, who listens better than any guy I know, can be so insensitive and shut the world out.
It's strange how we can go from being so happy, to everything being wrong, back to being happy again.
It's so weird that I didn't want to go on a date with him at first and all it took was one date to draw me in.
I don't understand any of this.
I feel like I should be living my life more. Going to clubs, drinking, partying, dating more, waking up in strange places with strange people and wondering what the fuck.
Not feeling like a housewife with a step child, with financial troubles, no job and on the verge of completely losing my mind.
He took me back after I did one of the worst things someone could possibly do.
He took the chance to trust me again.
I wouldn't trade our relationship for anything.
There are some things that I wish were differ'nt but I wouldn't change them.
Sometimes I wish he didnt have a kid because then we could just run away from everything here.
Then I feel guilty for even thinking that.
I feel like he's not happy with me.
And the thought of him leaving me, makes me feel sick to my stomach.
I need to tell him how I feel.
But I'm too much of a fucking chicken.

Tell me...

upchuck

:: 2006 15 August :: 3.22pm

Something I realized today driving home. I was listening to NPR (yes, I'm a nerd, get over it), and they were talking about Cuban-Americans and the way that the Cuban-American community feels about Castro's illness. Anyway, none of that is important other than to say that the new Cuban Americans, the children of the original population, the ones who were wronged (or righted depending on your perspective) by the new regime, are somewhat apathetic and non-political. It made me realize the penance of our generation. The obesity, the sloth, the lack of work ethic, I realized where it all came from.

The penance of our generation is that we have lost all interest. We have given into the machinations of man, the construction of society. Without knowing anything else other than freedom, with no direct oppression to fight, we choose apathy in a society where no choice is a choice. When choosing not to participate is just as valid as participation. If we only do what we have to in order to get by, we'll be just fine mentality. No inspiration, just talking puppets. Now how to fix that? How do you inspire the uninspirable? How do we take control of our own destiny? It's a question that every generation has to address, we can't let the answer be silent like so many of our voices still remain.

Tell me...

Upchuck

:: 2006 15 August :: 3.08pm
:: Music: "Save Yourself" Sense Field

I've written factually. I've written from my heart. I've also written the crap of everyday life. But I've never written just to write. Just for the pure joy of putting thoughts on paper. For illustrating the great illusions (or delusions) of my mind. For once I'd like to do that, but I don't know how.

Sometimes I realize how much I've grown as a person over these five long years. Why five years? Well, it's easy for my to quantify. For almost five years now I have had the same job. What makes me so reflective you ask? (well, actually I ask, not because I want to know, I already know, but because I want you to know). No, a girl who I used to work with has reapplied for her job. So long ago it was. More than three years ago she left. Three years!!! Beyond making me shudder because I hate having worked there for so long, it is a reason to pause and think. I just think about how much I've grown in that five years.

Let's see. Five years ago, who was I? I know most of you know who I was. Have I changed? I'd like to think I have. Not in any of the important ways. I feel like I am remarkably more aware of the world. I feel more sure about myself now, but that is only momentary. That is a relatively new occurrence. I feel more breadth in my knowledge. I feel I know the system much better (what system you ask? The whole system, that thing underneath all of society that we call adulthood, I know the system much better). I feel more compassionate, but also more powerless. I have more faith in myself, but less faith in others. I have more faith in ordinary things than extraordinary things than I did five years ago. I feel less guilty, but I have more guilt. I know things that I shouldn't and don't know things that I should. Enough about me.

Tell me...

rayray

:: 2006 16 August :: 12.28pm

the fact that im eating soup instead of fast food irritates him.. he keeps asking if i want money to go get fast food.. and him asking me over and over is irritating me..

We were reading through the newspaper and saw this ad that said "No experience need for qualified applicant.".. thought it was funny..

And then we got on the topic of self-esteem and i was like hunny will you share yours with me.. and he goes "self-esteem is like a rubber, you don't share it because that's just fucked up.."

Tell me...

Iron-Cipher

:: 2006 15 August :: 3.13am

So I finihsed scheduling class' today. Yay me! For those of you who don't know I am going to GRCC this year instead of Davenport. Hopefully this way atleast maybe I can see some of the people I know. Anyway this is my class schedule.

Mon - Thu -------------------------10:15 / 11:15 French 101
Tues ---------------------------------2:00 / 4:00 Intro Animation
Tues ---------------------------------5:45 / 9:00 American Sign lang.
Fri -----------------------------------9:00 / 12:15 Intro Programing

If you all have class' around that time let me know it would be cool to see some people I graduted with.

2 No way... | Tell me...

Eddy	:: 2006 14 August :: 2.24am :: Mood: tired :: Music: Valo Y�ss� Bleh I got an unexpected call yesterday. It made me feel good. 8 No way... \| Tell me...

Kate

:: 2006 14 August :: 2.03am
:: Music: Snow Patrol - Headlights on Dark Roads

I am back in Cedar. Ten days left before I leave for Poland. Tell me if you want to hang out before I leave and which day is best for you. I'm having a party sometime, the day is undecided for right now.

I have photos, lots and lots of photos from my summer at Camp Nicolet. I didn't really want to post them all on here, so I uploaded them to facebook because it's a hell of a lot easier. If you want to see them, go to facebook and look. You'll have to have an account to do so, I'm sorry. If you don't want to get an account, but want to see them, talk to me and I'll give you my username and password for a bit so you can see them.

It's nice to be back, guys. I'll miss you when I'm gone again. But I just can't seem to stop moving now that I've started.

2 No way... | Tell me...

rayray

:: 2006 14 August :: 7.29pm

Last night was so much fun.
We started off in Stanton at the Old Fashion Days then we came back here so mike and I could grab some warm clothes for the night because we were going back to GR to ride.
Mike and I went to Franco's and had dinner while Leon was working and we were waiting for Wayne, Johnny, Cally, John and Monica to get there so we could all go riding. It was nice having dinner just him and I.
Anyway we left Franco's and we're going down some rd i cant remember the name of it and here come all these cops and whatnot.. There was a terrible hit and run accident.. This drunk guy hit a guy on a bike and the bike is totaled. The guy that was on the bike is in critical condition. A few minutes later, and it could have been one of us. Which is a scary thought.
So then we went downtown for a bit.. Riding is soooo much fun.
Last night the guys were talking about pitching in to get me a bike, so that I can have my own.
And then I slept all day! Woo..

Tell me...