but I can't
o.@
you people
*sigh* spent a lot of time in my room last night. [you know that's not great news =P] I have a new insight. I actually think I may have two or three personalities, and the reason why I'm so confused is because they're always arguing. XD. The really negative one and the really positive one.

this might sound harsh and cold
insane ranting...
but I've needed to get it out of my system for way too long
so get over it =P

why am I here?
why can't I be free?
why won't they leave me alone?
why is the world like this?
why can't I stop lying?
why can't I stop this downwards spiral?
what's wrong with me?
who am I?
what do I do?
where do I go?

why do you all tell me you care?
why? If you do, then why don't you help me?
why aren't you here when it matters?
why?
why won't anything change?
why can't I change it?
can I?
why did I lie?
why do I put on this mask?
why...?

*.* gwee. that would be my very negative personality speaking. but hey, that whole thing is just a theory.

let it go
o.o
It's all ripped apart, and the pieces are on the floor
and no one wants to put them back together
why should they care?
why should you care?

sorry, just random rambling.
Today.. stress xP.
[[we]] spent almost all of lunch convincing [[someone, I shouldn't tell people's secrets]] to come to lunch. We were all so worried.. and then everyone wanted to tell the councelor. I said it was a bad idea, that they would call her parents, but NO.. dammit.
anyway, I feel pretty shitty now =P because of that, and them, and.. well, my project is moving along.. interestingly.

I spend my days looking at all the hurt people around me, the ones with cold eyes, or pain they deny.. and all I can think of is "why? why would someone do this to a HUMAN BEING??"
you know what
I really want to work for social services.
but I'm gunna be an artist too
hwah!
=)
you know what's funny
it's been two weeks, and my parents never noticed all the piercings I got. XD. yep, they care
good for me =)
*~*j*~*

my head hurts x.x sleep=5 1/2hrs
=) on a happy note, guess what? I won an iPod off the radio last night. Magz just got one, and she's going to be soooo ticked XD fun stuff.

It is INSANELY cold at my house right now. INSANE INSANE geh

*~*
Isn't it messed up when thinking of pain gives you pleasure?
When your daydreams are nightmares?
..what?!
*~*
I can feel your pain inside me
I can hear your piercing screams
Just forget this, don't remind me
Stop living in this dark dream

I hate orange.

o__o the plot thickens! lol, what a tarded phrase.. XD.
today was rough xP.
d00m @.@
So, hehe.. today. I didn't get any sleep [not that this is unusual] but.. omfg I know why I felt so tired XD. just realized... hah, do not take painkillers before breakfast.

::blink:: what.. I had a headache. so shoot me =)
Lol, anyway, I slept through history [literally] and then in 2nd karen got onto me all about how I get no sleep, "Julia!! You need sleep! Ahh! You're gunna get bags!" XD. Yes, karen, for you.. I'll give sleep a shot.
or, you know, I'll make a note of it and forget it.

=( 3rd period was PLAH. I walked into the room and shelby came over with tears in her eyes, and had a breakdown... so jax n laurel n laasya n me skipped some of theatre with her. I swear, I'm going to make a point of hunting her parents down and... grrr.
x.x

I---want---my-----
*~*some girl*~*

--still--
[edit]
This, tis teh survey I stole from nicole =)
THREE THINGS THAT SCARE ME
001. being alone [literally]
002. sunken ships
003. people

THREE THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND
001. human nature/psychology
002. myself
003. Christianity

THREE THINGS I'D LIKE TO LEARN
001. graphic designing stuff
002. to draw better
003. how to handle and help people with emotional problems .....that would help.... yeah.

THREE THINGS I AM WEARING RIGHT NOW
001. tank top
002. Jeans
003. 7 earings

THREE THINGS ON MY DESK
001. some cds I forgot to label
002. club info from the westwood thing I just went to.
003. my art pad

THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE
001. live
002. love... be loved
003. I want a career... and then, I want to help as many people as I possibly can. And... well, this is "things I want to do" so... I wanna patch up that hole in the ozone ^_~.

THREE GOOD THINGS ABOUT MY PERSONALITY
001. perceptive
002. open minded
003. creative

THREE BAD THINGS ABOUT MY PERSONALITY
001. shy
002. emotional problems =P
003. in your face at times x.x;

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE
001. russian
002. jewish?
003. ..canadian?...

THREE THINGS I LIKE ABOUT MY BODY
001. I'm not fat.
002. Tall.. but not too tall. [hope?]
003. I like my nose =D XD

THREE THINGS I DON'T LIKE ABOUT MY BODY
001. my butt XD
002. sometimes I feel overly tall.
003. other than that, I'm fine.

THREE THINGS MOST PEOPLE DON'T KNOW ABOUT ME
001. why I am.. this way
002. who I am
003. what I do when I'm alone

THREE THINGS I SAY THE MOST
001. ..why? why?!
002. damn it
003. Are you ok?

THREE PLACES I WANT TO GO TO
001. new york
002. julliard =)
003. japan
[/edit]

o.o;
I make a goal, for real, and I can't even last a day.
x.x
dot dot dot
the truth will come out eventually =P. that's all you need, the truth

just confused, that's all...
"coping strategy?" Yes.

XD I really need to start saving my aim convos.

*sigh*

It's really a surprise when I find out that someone reads this ^^ like "...Oh!" dunno why. fun stuff.

My thoughts are not in order. Can you see? Oui oui?

Ah, c'est pas terrible... la vie, c'est frustre. Je suis perdu.
La francais =)
::Addresses the eworld::
hey you know what? you should gimme a call. yes, YOU!

hehe. bubye.

You don't know what you haven't seen.
Meh.. um, well yeah.. I talked to a buncha people today o.o
Ok, not everything that's on my mind will be sorted out by spilling it to the world.
er.
heart of glass? fun, but dangerous. x.x;
um? Dude, I'm just rambling here so.. ttyl? =)
bubye.


Heart of Glass


What is Your Heart REALLY Made of?
brought to you by Quizilla

This is THE best piece of advice I've ever gotten.. I almost want to cry. But I'm strong enough not to. Read it. Read it over and over again, and never ever forget it. No goodbyes, Nicole.

memories are the worst x.x;
=).
there's this wonderful feeling, where you know you've come to the end of some magnificent, and it's good.. but it's sooo sad because it's over. XP Ugh, I resent that feeling so much XD. Like when I remember my best friend from 5th grade who moved to korea. and stuff like that ^^;.
what a feeling...

oioi! I am gunna have a kick-ass time tonight! HWAH! Well, first I'm going to the mall with either zarae's gang or lauren and kae, but then I'm going to the movies and d&b with bee ling and erica [an erica who lives in austin o.o] all night >:DDDDDD haha, her mom will pick us up any time we want XD. fun stuff, staying out all night with fun people you rarely see. =D

*sigh*
Are a thousand tears worth a single smile?
When you give an inch, will they take a mile?
Longing for the past but dreading the future
If not being used, well then you're a user and a loser

I wish I could write like peter steele o.o

::she creates::

hey.
hehe, so yeah.. journal's been kind of scary lately, eh? Lol. Well, this thing is most obviously a way to blow off steam and get my feelings out.. ^^. I had an inspirational talk with nicole the other day. This is quite important ...where are the words....
I'm going to give it my best shot. ::smiles::
I'm going to help people, and I'm going to stop destroying myself. Things are gunna be good again. *sigh* Nicole is escaping to freedom... I'm going to miss her so *so* much. but now, it's not like I'm being broken again. It's like.. we are both going to be
free. FREE! free is breathing. free from your own lies. free from hatred. free from the pain of the world.. not bound to it. I can help destroy it, but it will not be a part of my life anymore. No.
::whispers:: Free.

tears of joy ^^;...

it won't stop
Just kill me.
You know you've been doing it for a lifetime... go ahead, just end it. I'm just a person. here is my heart. destroy it, once and for all. forever. Just leave me here to bleed. please...

nothing like a good, cold dose of reality to make you realize you hate yourself.

o.o
First, Lyrics.
It's a beautiful night for feeling lonely
A beautiful night for being afraid
So raise your hands, you one and onlys
You one of a kinds who feel this way

I don't want to talk, don't want to explain it
I don't want to fuck and I don't want to fight
It's only a feeling, it's fleeting and fading
It's all over the world and it's only tonight
It's a beautiful night…
…a beautiful night to be here

It's the perfect time for being wasted
The perfect time to watch the stars
So throw back your head, come on embrace it
It's a beautiful night wherever you are
It's a beautiful night…
…a beautiful night to be here

All good things will come to you
And maybe tonight it's the truth, I don't know
And all good things to those who dream
Maybe tonight we'll find peace, god I hope so
So raise your hands, raise your hands

All good friends who stood by you
One at time they fall down, they fall down
And all your fears are coming true
And this is the time of your life that defines you
So raise your hands, raise your hands

Under the stars I'm alone among strangers
Confused, connected, diffused and alive
Maybe the future will smile on us
Maybe the future is smiling tonight
It's a beautiful night…
…a beautiful night to be here

::blinkblink:: oh, hey! heh. gasposity, I have my final FRENCH2 exam today. x_x;;; If I don't get a 90 or above, I will basically be murdered and have wasted the last 5 months of my life. XD. Wish me luck?

I really want my third hole in my ears >=). Oh, hehe, you wait, lalalaaa ^^. w00t.

Btw everyone... I have and always have had a habit of NOT calling, especially when I really should.. like last night =/ I dunno, just call me. Or this feeling will come over me like if I call, I'm being an annoying pest =)

heh.

it gets worse..?
Yo.
Lauren's house was pretty fun. ^^;. We all brought our guitars and played for a loooong time >:]. Then, teehee...
HAHA this is gunna sound odd
Let's just say, two pairs of ears and two belly buttons got pierced by two pairs of hands last night. XD.

It looks wicked cool, too ^_~
yesh, gutsy is I.

=( I'm worried about erica. =(.
And nicole.
aaaaa this is not cool!!

x_x I g2g make calls n stuff. *sigh*

love, j

ooga! booga!
wahey!
so I just woke up. I have a guitar lesson at 2. I might visit my old choir buddies [long story]. hmm.. also, I'm going to Lauren's house w/ Kae tonight. d00mful fun? we'll see ^_~

I'm gunna get kidnapped! Yaaaaaay! =D

ljljljlj<<<------
WAHA! and if you haven't figured out how to get there yet, monkeys.

Btw, go sign my site guestbook. =)

love, j