JustADreamer
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2004 19 July :: 11.36pm
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: "Maybe" -Nerd
Mm.
Wednesday. The funeral is Wednesday at 2 pm. And I'm not going.
I'm staying at my cousin Shauna's house and babysitting her kids and a couple of other kids.
The coffin.. Mom said it was pink.. And my grandmother is wearing a pink dress.. She said she looks like she's asleep. I almost started crying when she was talking about it.
And that's about it.
-Ash
Fill the darkness?
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JustADreamer
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2004 18 July :: 11.07pm
She passed away this morning.
Fill the darkness?
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JustADreamer
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2004 17 July :: 9.50pm
A.. "Hospital"
At the hospital.. Everyone is like one, big family.
Listening to each other.
Comforting each other.
Talking to each other.
.. Even gossiping.
There was a kid.. He was 18. He was in a car crash. He fell asleep at the wheel. His friend grabbed the steering wheel when he fell asleep, but the guy had his foot on the gas. It flipped a few times. The friend had his seat belt on.. Few cuts, few bruises.. Left the hospital the same day. The kid at the wheel.. He severed his brain stem or something.. The doctors declared him braindead. His mother had decided to donate his organs. She was writing his obituary when the doctors un-declared him braindead.. Because there was one little drop of blood circulating.. They had to sedate her.. She was freaking out.. Mom said a few nights ago.. There were anywhere from 30-60 people there for that kid.. His friends.. They told them to come say their good-bye's..
When they donate their organs.. They have someone there.. Holding their hand.. And talking to them, softly.. Even though they're braindead..
God, it scares me.
Everyone was there for each other. Even the people who didn't know each other.
... But...
I didn't really feel depressed because of my Grandma. She still doesn't know who anyone is, I don't think. Ergh. Why can't I feel depressed about it? The thing that depressed me the most was leaving my Mom there. I miss her. And I missed Nibbles. When I got home today, she was hoarse from whining and howling all night. She sounded kind of like a squeaky toy. I hugged her, and cried. I guess that was my emotions coming out. From missing the dog. And my Mom. I went into my room and fell on the floor crying.. Maybe I was crying for my grandma as well, somewhere in there..
Please pray for my family, and my grandma especially.
--
Bye.
-Ash
Fill the darkness?
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JustADreamer
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2004 17 July :: 9.39pm
Lyrics I Heard On The Radio.. Mean Something.
Seether - 'Broken'
I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph; I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel light when you’re gone away
The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel light when you’re gone away
Britney Spears - "Everytime"
Come notice me
And take my hand
So why are we
Strangers when
Our love is strong
Why carry on without me?
And everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, it's haunting me
I guess I need you baby
I make believe
That you are here
It's the only way
I see clear
What have I done
You seem to move on easy
And everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you baby
I may have made it rain
Please forgive me
My weakness caused you pain
And this song is my sorry
Ohhhh
At night I pray
That soon your face
Will fade away
And everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you baby
After all...
After all...
There are, maybe, two songs of Britney's that I really like.
And in case anyone couldn't decipher my last entry.. She's still alive. On dialysis. For her kidneys. She's doing.. okay.. I guess..
.. Next post.. In five.. four.. three.. two..
Fill the darkness?
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JustADreamer
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2004 17 July :: 9.29pm
I said I didn't want to see her.
And it still hasn't hit me.
Fill the darkness?
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JustADreamer
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2004 17 July :: 8.48pm
Friday -
/-/Got home
/-/Went to Texarkana.
Saturday- .
/-/Got home.
I don't want to stay with a friend this week.
I'll stay home.
Alone.
Fill the darkness?
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JustADreamer
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2004 15 July :: 2.44am
Mm.
This is really hard.. To type correctly when the keyboard is split down the middle and I don't type 'correctly' in the first place.
Staying at a friends house until Friday. My grandmother was sick. They thought she might have a stomach virus. Couldn't keep food down. Then she had a stroke, yesterday. Mom went to Arkansas. My G-ma got transfered to a different hospital because her kidney's stopped working. Something about dialysis tonight. Dad's at home alone... Well, not alone.. He's got Nibbles. And Bear outside.. And the cats.
Mm. She may be gone a day, or a week..
I don't think it's hit me yet.
Fill the darkness?
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JustADreamer
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2004 13 July :: 2.05am
And then it hits me that I'm probably doing the same thing to him as you did to me.
I feel.. like.. "Why shouldn't everyone else have to go through the pain I'm going through?"
And then.. I feel.. "Because.. They don't deserve this.."
Then.. it's.. ".. Did I?"
---------------------------
It's not your fault you feel that way [or don't].
Forgive me.
Fill the darkness?
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JustADreamer
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2004 13 July :: 1.42am
I hate you for sending me those songs.
I hate the fact that I still can't get over you.
And I still can't hate you.
God, help me.
I can't go out with him, because I'm still hung up on you.
God.. Help me..
Fill the darkness?
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JustADreamer
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2004 12 July :: 8.45pm
13 Things About You
====================
1. Someone in this world loves you, in some way.
2. A smile from you, can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
3. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
4. You mean the world to someone.
5. Without you, someone may not be living.
6. You are special and unique, in your own way.
7. Someone that you don't know even exists, loves you.
8. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
9. When you think the world has turned it's back on you, take a look, you most likely turned your back on the world.
10.When you think you have no chance at getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you believe in yourself, you probably sooner or later will get it.
11.Always remember complements you received, forget about the rude remarks.
12.Always tell someone how you feel about them, you will feel much better when they know.
13.If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great. If you choose, send this letter to as many people as you care about, you'll brighten up someone's day, and might change their perspective on life, for the better!
Fill the darkness?
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JustADreamer
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2004 12 July :: 1.35am
:: Music: Thank You -Dido
It's not so bad..
[My tea's gone cold, I'm wondering why I..
Got out of bed at all..]
I'm so bored. And my Grandma's really sick.. So I'm bored, and worried.. But, the Blue Collar Comedy Tour is funny, so I'm bored, worried, and amused..
[The morning rain clouds up my window..
And I can't see at all..]
I wish it -would- rain.. I like rain.. Especially when I'm in this type of mood.. What would you call it..?
[And even if I could, it'd all be gray,
But your picture on my wall..
It reminds me that it's not so bad,
It's not so bad..]
I think I feel kind of lonely. Again, it's a strange feeling.. I'm not used to this kind of 'loneliness'.. I don't have anyone who can hold me, comfort me, and make me happy.. Other than my friends and family.. But that's not the kind of comfort and happiness I want..
[I drank too much last night, got bills to pay
My head just feels in pain]
Well, I haven't had a headache in a few days.. That's good.. Haven't played Pool on pogo lately.. Maybe that was the reason.. Most likely..
[I missed the bus and there'll be hell today
I'm late for work again
And even if I'm there, they'll all imply that I might not last the day
And then you call me and it's not so bad
It's not so bad]
Calling someone is so difficult.. I mean.. If you call.. And then.. Their parents pick up.. Especially when you know their parents.. And they know you.. -Sigh.- Still.. Even if you call, what would you talk about?
[And I want to thank you for giving me the best day of my life]
The best day of my life was.. hm.. I guess I haven't had the best day of my life yet..
[Oh just to be with you is having the best day of my life]
.. Just to be with.. who? O_o..
[Push the door, I'm home at last and I'm soaking through and through
Then you handed me a towel and all I see is you]
I wish I could say that. You know? 'All I see is you..' Wouldn't that be romantic? ... probably..
[And even if my house falls down now, I wouldn't have a clue
Because you're near me]
Be near me. Someone. Someone, convince me to love you. Convince me that you love me, too. Convince me that you were born to be with me.. And I was BORN to be with you. Only you. Forever, you. I love you. I want you to be with me forever. Our friendship, our relationship, our love will last forever.
[I want to thank you for giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you is having the best day of my life]
What is.. forever? Forever.. Forever and a day.. What is that? How could a relationship last forever? COULD it? Maybe until both of the people 'in love' died.. But.. Nevermind..
Fill the darkness?
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JustADreamer
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2004 10 July :: 1.31pm
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: Tv
Mn.
Need. More. Chocolate.
Need. To. Wake. Up.
Need. To. Be. Brave.
Need. To. Calm. Down.
Need. To. Stop. Typing. Like. This.
The. End.
-Ash.
1 fell as Lucifer fell. |
Fill the darkness?
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JustADreamer
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2004 6 July :: 12.07am
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: Yellow -Coldplay
+*Interests[likes] - Music, anime, poetry, art, reading, vampires, fiction, internet, friends, DeviantArt, woohu, PS2 games, Halo, sleeping, yaoi, animals, chocolate, hershey's kisses, sunrises over sunsets, nighttime, guysh, Draco, Pip, Merry, Legolas, Chinese food, Japanese stuff, drawing, rainy/cloudy days, necklaces, bracelets, roses, candles, the occasional depression, etc.
+*Dislikes - oranges, most vegetables, Raven, Hillary Duff, whorish people, people who use others, screaming kids, most rap, bugs, people who believe they are superior over others, people who think Harry Potter is the devil, homophobes [no, I'm not a homosexual], too much sunlight, needles, pain, incense, etc.
+*Anime/Manga - Fruits Basket, Gravitation, Alice 19th, Confidential Confessions, Forbidden Dance, MARS, Kare Kano, Spirited Away, Marmalade Boy, Hellsing, Ai Yori Aoshi, Vampire Hunter D, Fushigi Yuugi, INVU, Angel Sanctuary, Inuyasha [other]
+*Music [Bands/Singers] - Coldplay, A Perfect Circle, Guns N Roses, Something Corporate, Alanis Morissette, Creed, 3 Doors Down, Hoobastank, Blink-182, Good Charlotte, Goo Goo Dolls, The Ataris, Simple Plan, Incubus, Jewel, No Doubt, Reliant K, All-American Rejects, Three Days Grace, Utada Hikaru, Loreena McKennitt, David Bowie, Conway Twitty, Sakanoue Yosuke, Kinya Kotani, Mark Schultz, Avenged Sevenfold, [other]
+*Songs - Amsterdam, Yellow, Clocks [CP], 3 Libras [APC], November Rain [GnR]
+*Friends - Laura, Skye, Olivia, Andrew, Julio, Robert, Brandon (I guess?), Julie, Brandy, Jessica, NaToni, [several] Chris(es), [a few] Matt(s), Casey, Chape [can't remember all]
+*Movies - Labyrinth, Rumours of Angels, Chicago, Moulin Rouge, Chasing Liberty, How to Deal, 10 Things I Hate About You, Save the Last Dance, A Knight's Tale, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, A Walk To Remember, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, Man in the Moon, Pirates of the Caribbean, Charlie's Angels, 50 First Dates, 28 Days [other]
+*TV Shows - Degrassi, RFR, My So-Called Life, Trigger Happy, South Park, Reno 911, The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy, Whose Line is it Anyway?, Boy Meets World, Daria, That 70's Show
Fill the darkness?
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JustADreamer
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2004 4 July :: 10.35am
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: Drift Away -Uncle Kracker/Dobie Gray
!
I'm so awake. It's 9:30 AM and I'm awake. Congratulations to meh. I fell asleep while it was nighttime, and woke up a bit after 8:30 AM. Yay.
I had this really vivid dream.. Wow, it was amazing. I remember being SO happy. Happier than I've ever been. It was amazing. There were times I was afraid, annoyed, sad, happy, loved, loving.. It was just an awesome dream.
I want a relationship. No, I mean a real one. Not an online one. And I think I may have a chance for one. Yes. I think I do. I'm scared, nervous, and everything, but at the same time.. I know I love him as a friend, and I know I like him as more than one. And he's HERE. In Texas. No more than 15/20 minutes away, driving-wise. Probably less.
I want to throw away my doubts. SCREW THEM! Why is it so hard for me to believe that there might actually be a guy who loves me as more than just a friend? Why is it so hard for me to believe that this could work out?
Because I'm me. I know how I look. I know how depressed I can get. But still..
I don't know if I really want a relationship. If I'm so ready for one or not. We'll find out someday.
I don't want to be depressed for a while. I want to be happy. Like I was in that dream. I want to cry because I was so happy in that dream. -Snif.- Okay, I -am- crying because I was so happy in that dream. Dangit. I didn't mean it! -Shakes fist.- Darn it. Oh well.
I want to be that happy. I want to go somewhere. Right now. With my friends. I want to GO! Somewhere! Be happy! With my friends!
Unfortunately, it's 9:36 AM now, and they're probably all still asleep, and they're probably all busy today. Oh well..
Maybe Amanda's home!
Oh yeah. It's July 4th.
We don't even have plans. I don't have any plans. This is the first time in a long time I don't have any plans for July 4th. I don't think we're even going to get fireworks this year.. That's sad.. Normally, it's me and Tawney.. Mom, Dad, Jody.. Sometimes Traci..
I feel sad now. Darn it. Oh well. No use dwellin' on the past! <3
I'm going to go do something. Other than sit around on my lazy bum at the computer. Bye-bye! Hope everyone has a lovely July 4th! Ja!
-Ash
Fill the darkness?
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JustADreamer
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2004 2 July :: 7.02am
:: Mood: lonely
..forgive me if I take you for granted..
You know.. I'm not normally "lonely" like a depressing type of lonely. I'm normally glad to be alone.. Though I'm normally online and there are people there.. So would it be that I'm not really lonely? I was when the phone line was dead. I had no way to talk to anyone but my parents. It was so depressing.
..Forgive me if I take you for granted..
._.
I don't know what I was expecting..
But..
I think I wanted a relationship..
Not just a "won't bring it up for a while" and "I understand"..
But then again..
I think I'm wanting a person who only exists in my dreams?
Blah. Dreams make everything so complicated..
Ah well..
Maybe dreams can come true..
Do you think so?
1 fell as Lucifer fell. |
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