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2003 2 October :: 7.05 pm
:: Music: Metallica
I love my guitar. It's beautiful. When I'm playing it, I look at it and just admire. Even though I'm not all that good, my guitar is like drugs for me. I can just play it and kind of escape from everything. Just think about what I'm playing and.. *sigh* I'm so glad I took up guitar.
Anyway, you must think I'm crazy for loving a peice of wood with some strings on it so much. But, that's how it is.
Well, I started writing this and got bored with it, so I'll just give you this unfinished poem:
Feeling sick
Her eyes grow hot
She tries so hard
To be someone she's not
The tears fall down
She feels so fake
She wants acceptance
But what will it take?
So that's it. yay. Not a lot has been up with me lately. I guess. erm. Going to Courtney's tomorrow. That shall be joyous. Then Red Flannel Day. That will be fun.
Bah. This entry is just getting pointless now.
"So maybe now you finally know. Sometimes we're helpless and alone, but you can't let it keep you weighted down. You must go on." - The Ataris/The Hero Dies In This One
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2003 1 October :: 4.52 pm
Thought these lyrics were even more creative.
The White Stripes - Aluminum
Ah
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2003 30 September :: 7.10 pm
I thought these lyrics were very creative...... don't you agree?
Bush - X-Girlfriend
You only call me when you're down
You only call me when you're down
You only call me when you're down
You only call me when you're down
You only call me when you're down
You only call me when you're down
You only call me when you're down
You only call me when you're down
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2003 30 September :: 6.51 pm
:: Music: Bush
Completely pointless conversation with Stephy.
thiscuthurts: I hate aim smileys
BBrandie7: yours are different...maybe u have a older version aol?
BBrandie7: mine are kinda cute.
BBrandie7: ;-)
BBrandie7: all big and round like.
BBrandie7: lol
thiscuthurts: I don't know, I can't see them
thiscuthurts: I have them turned off, because I think they're ugly :p
BBrandie7: u cant?
BBrandie7: lol
BBrandie7: ok.
BBrandie7: :p isnt a smiley, by the way.
BBrandie7: lol
thiscuthurts: :P
thiscuthurts: it is so!
thiscuthurts: it's the one with a tongue out
BBrandie7: nope.
BBrandie7: this is the one with the tounge out....:-P
thiscuthurts: well in my land
thiscuthurts: it's :P
BBrandie7: :'P
BBrandie7: hmm...
BBrandie7: what does it look like?
BBrandie7: all spaced out
thiscuthurts: : P
BBrandie7: :P
BBrandie7: no...
BBrandie7: this one...:-P
thiscuthurts: I don't care, either way I can only see what you type, not what the aim programmers make them.
BBrandie7: GAH!
BBrandie7: lol
thiscuthurts: So when you see me do this :P it means this :-P
BBrandie7: i want to know. the only way i can see it is by going up to the liittle smiley guy and choosing with my mouse which one i want to use.
thiscuthurts: so.. what do you mean you want to know? How does me doing :P instead of :-P makea difference?
BBrandie7: when u do a capital P i cant see the similey
thiscuthurts: at all?
BBrandie7: just the one with the capital P
thiscuthurts: can you see the : with the P though>
thiscuthurts: ?
BBrandie7: yes, i can see the : and the P but no smiley.
thiscuthurts: I know that.
thiscuthurts: But I like just the : and the P together better.
BBrandie7: gah, what is the freaking conversation about then
BBrandie7: ?
thiscuthurts: I have no idea.
thiscuthurts: it started out you saying there is no :P
BBrandie7: me neither...its kinda annoying. lol
thiscuthurts: oh well
BBrandie7: lol
BBrandie7: im so confused.
thiscuthurts: in conclusion!
thiscuthurts: :P is the same as :-P okay?
BBrandie7: when u use the capital P i cant see the smiley as when u use the lowecase p.
BBrandie7: that is the conclusion, my dear.
thiscuthurts: I already know that, but I don't care about if the smiley is seeable or not. I like how :P looks better than how the smiley looks.
BBrandie7: lol, ok i get it.
BBrandie7: finally
"Then someone will say what is lost can never be saved." - Smashing Pumpkins/Bullet With Butterfly Wings
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2003 30 September :: 6.24 pm
Guess I'll post mine too.
Algebra - A-
Spanish - A
Biology - B+
P.E. - A
Health - A
BMMT - A-
English - A
"I don't know if my heart will beat without you." - Thursday/Wind Up
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2003 27 September :: 12.29 am
The heart is wiser than the mind
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2003 26 September :: 6.22 pm
I know it's long, but I wrote it, so please read it and give me your opinion.
Lying in bed, she awoke from the sun shining brightly through her window, flooding her room with the sign of morning. Emily sat up slowly and looked down at him. He was all she cared about. She watched him sleeping next to her for a few moments, then gently curled up close to him, lying her head on his chest. She felt the rise and fall as he breathed in deeply. She put her hand in his. She poured her eyes over the shape of their hands together. Her eyes brought her up his arm, watching the curves of his muscles. Soon she was brought to his neck. A good neck, supporting a beautiful face. She looked at his cheeks. His skin had a roughness to it, but was still soft to the touch. She wanted to run her hand along his arm, reaching his neck, then up higher, to place it on his face. Then she'd bring him forward and kiss him deeply.
After she came out of this fantasy, she realized her eyes had been transfixed on his lips. She looked up and saw that his eyes were open, watching her. She smiled softly and layed back down on his chest. She felt his hand touch her head and he ran his fingers through her hair a few times. She never wanted the moment to end.
After some time had passed, she heard something, like rattling, downstairs. She sat up, alert. At the same moment, he did too. They both got out of the bed and walked over to the door.
"Stay here," he said as he opened it. He walked out and closed the door. She stood anxiously.
Soon ten minutes had passed and she hadn't heard anything since the first rattling. Her worry and anxiety increased every second. After 5 more minutes, she couldn't bear it any longer and opened the door a crack. She peered out. Smoke was creeping up the steps. Apprehension sank deep inside her. She opened the door enough, and stepped out. As she walked down the steps, the smoke got thicker. It was like a cloud around her, a deadly cloud. It seemed to tell her that the thicker it got, the closer she was to hell, which had left the underworld, only to settle in her living room.
Breathing became tough. Her eyes started to water as the smoke fogged her sight. She could hear the fire. Then she could see it. Her kitchen was engulfed. The flames licked at the walls and the floor, making their way to the rest of the house. The devil himself was in those flames, eating up everything in sight. She watched the photos on the wall die away.
Reality then hit her. She yelled out his name, but he didn't answer. She yelled again. No answer. She started screaming it out, growing frantic.
She ran through the rooms that hadn't yet let the conflagration enter. Sweat dripped from her body and her vision blurred terribly from the smoke and tears, which were now pouring down her face.
Then she saw him.
He lay in the corner of an office, not far from the ever impending fire. He lay limp and umoving. She ran to him. When she got close enough to make him out clearly she screamed out and cried fiercly. Blood soiled every inch of his front. A knife lay sleekly in his hand. A gash on his chest proved the knife's purpose. Blood continued to leave his body. She tore off her shirt and pressed it hard against the wound. When she did so, he flinched in pain.
"They came in here.." it was hard for him to talk and he slurred the words as they came out. "Had a knife.. I tried to get away, but they just kept coming." He paused and breathed a few times. Emily's shirt was already completely red from his new spilling blood. She pressed harder. He flinched again and said, "..poured gasoline all over the kitchen.. then they set it on fire and left.." She wiped his sweaty face with her hand. He let out a long groan in pain. He added, "I tried. I tried to stop them.. I really did."
She said, "I know, I know you did." She let out a sob and looked away from him. "We have to get out of here. We have to go, now."
"I can't.." he said breathlessly.
"Yes you can, you have to!" She heard something collapse somewhere in the house. "C'mon we have to go!" She tried to lift him.
"I can't.. Emily.."
"No!" she sobbed. She started to pull him across the floor. "No, you have to!"
"Emily..." he said, "It's no use.. listen."
She stopped and he lay on the floor. She dropped to her knees and hugged his body. She bawled into his shoulder.
"No.." she cried, "no you can't leave me.."
"Emily.. " his breathing became sharp and the intakes were quick and low. "Emily I love you."
She cried profusely. "no... no...." she repeated into his shoulder.
"Go," he said and she felt the heaving of his chest cease. She raised herself and looked down at his lifeless body. Although the fire was so close, she felt a deep coldness and a chill ran down her spine.
"NO!" she screamed, "no! Come back to me! Come back!" She stood up and punched the wall. A hole appeared and she continued punching. She paused and looked at the door. She saw the flames licking to the inside of the room. She stared and watched it for a moment. It was getting nearer her love. A foot away it was from him before she turned. She ran to the end of the room where a window was. She opened it, crawled out and looked inside one last time. The flames had already taken over half the room.
She then ran a good ways away and sat under a tree. She cried, sobbed, bawled into her knees. She looked up with her red and tear stained face. The entire house was now in an envelope of flames. She marveled at the inferno. She watched the memories burn and thought of all she had lived through, with him, in that house. But it wasn't the house she felt deep injustice about, it was him. Him. She loved him so. More than anything else. The devil had creeped into her kitchen, slinked his way through her house uninvited and taken away all the happiness that ever exsisted for her. She felt hatred and loathing beyond anything she'd ever felt before. Watching her life burn away in minutes, she sat under that tree, thinking about the wrong being done. Thinking about the card fate had played her. Thinking about how everything was gone, he was gone and she can never get what she had back. She can never change anything. She sat and she thought about how she was completely, utterly, helpless.
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2003 24 September :: 2.47 pm
:: Music: Mudvayne
Conversation on the bus
Middle Schooler: Do those safety pins bother you?
Me: No.
Middle Schooler: Don't they get cold?
Me: No.
Middle Schooler: I was into rock for a while because of my sister. I wore those and they bothered me. I stick to rap now. I never really liked rock anyway.
Me: Oh. Cool.
Middle Schooler: You can tell I liked punk. *points to Good Charlotte patch on backpack*
Me: Good Charlotte isn't punk. They're like a poppy-punk.
Middle Schooler: Actually, Good Charlotte is punk.
Me: No... it's too boy band-ish to be. Green Day and The Clash are real punk.
Middle Schooler: My sister has a Green Day CD. *goes on about her sister's CDs*
Finally her stop came.
"Cause I talk to you like children though I don't know how I feel, but I know I'll do the right thing if the right thing is revealed." -Staind/Epiphany
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2003 23 September :: 3.42 pm
:: Music: Green Day - International Superhits!
Story
I started this story a while ago, but I don't know if I'm going to go on with it. I don't know what I want to happen with it yet.
Opening his eyes, he was hit with a deep blackness. It pressed against his eyes.
"Ugh..." His head felt groggy as he sat up. A long yawn and he searched the darkness with his eyes until he found the luminous red numbers of his alarm clock. 4:23 in the morning. "Oh man, not again," Dylan said as he raised his hand to his forehead and rubbed his face. He moved closer to the clock and felt around it until he found a small table lamp and switched it on. His small room was dimly illuminated.
Feeling wide awake now, he stood from his bed and walked to his bedroom door. The floor was littered with belongings and he almost tripped upon encountering a neglected skateboard. When he approached the door, he opened it and stepped into a hallway of two doors other than his own. At the end was a staircase. Displaying no intention of being quiet for his sleeping father, he bumped down the steps. At the landing he advanced to the kitchen and poured himself some milk. After a few drinks he sat at the dining table with his head down. "Why do I always do this?" he thought. Falling asleep early in the afternoon only to wake up in the young hours of the morning had become a habit for Dylan.
This night was the same as all the others. He had awoken from the dream of his mother and two sisters' death. However, it was much more intense than any other he had had before. It felt real, as if he had been in the car with them, felt the terror as it drew closer to the oncoming impact, felt the incredible pain as the bones in his body were pushed under great pressure and felt the raw hand of death clutch at his heart, preventing it from beating once more.
Dylan wiped the cold sweat from the back of his neck at this recollection of his dream. He swallowed some more milk, but the bitterness of the reality that they were never coming back didn't go away.
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2003 22 September :: 5.53 pm
:: Music: GOB
Mounds of homework. I'm doing it right now. Well.. I guess not right now. I'm.. taking a break.
I talked on the phone for 2 hours last night. Only hung up because my phone died.
It rained at school today. It made things feel gloomy. Rain is great. But not when it rains at school. That's one of the things I talked about yesterday during the 2 hours. The irony that it rained during school today...
I'm awake right now, but it barely feels like it. Feels more like I'm sleeping, but I can still see what's happening around me.
*sigh* I guess I should finish this homework.
"I'm miserable, oh and you're just getting started." - Taking Back Sunday/Bike Scene
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2003 22 September :: 2.58 pm
:: Music: Foo Fighters
Poems
I don't like these much, but.. well, here ya go:
Letting Go
Sitting in class
Watching the teacher
But she's not paying attention
The voice doesn't reach her
She can't seem to focus
Her mind isn't there
Engrosed in her thoughts,
She has a blank stare
Watching the images
That float in her head
She wants to explain
What just can't be said
There he stands
Yet completely abstract
She needed him
And he's what she lacked
Looking at him
Through her mind's eye
She studied his body
And wanted to cry
A thought occured
And she knew it was right
She let the image go
She once held so tight
Untitled
You stab me with your words
Restrict me of my life
Take away everything I love
Then wash your bloody knife
Of the skeletons in your closet
I'm the mangled one of all
You beat me when I try to stand
So I stumble and I fall
I feel the raw burn
As the flames lick at my skin
My blood boils
And you bask in your twisted sin
I've finally given up
Because I shall never escape
You've violated me
With a game of awful rape
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2003 19 September :: 11.44 pm
:: Music: Foo Fighters - One By One
Erm.. hello everyone...
I love you all. What provoced the last entry is that I might not get to see you much anymore besides at school. And the thought of not being with my friends ever, makes life seem worthless.
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2003 18 September :: 9.30 pm
Kill me. Murder me. Shoot me 5 times through the heart and head. Stab me a million times in each place. Wrap a rope tight around my neck and hang me from the highest pole letting my mouth and eyes lag. Drown me until my skin is soft and white and leave me at the bottom of an endless ocean of my own teenage pain. I don't care how it's done, but death is a necessity. Kill me. Living isn't worth it anymore.
And I'm serious.
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2003 18 September :: 3.57 pm
:: Music: Saves The Day
I never noticed how nice hugs are until I thought about each I got today and how grateful I am for every one.
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2003 17 September :: 12.08 pm
:: Mood: irritated
If I do or say something that you don't like, or think I shouldn't do/say, tell me. Don't go off and tell eachother because that only gets more people pissed with no resolution. And if you tell me, I can improve on it. Or I can explain to how you took it wrong, if you did. So don't just go to your friends and say "Kate did blah... it wasn't cool," just fucking tell me. I hate opinionated people. Especially when they gossip.
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