Eyes are the size of the moon...

:: 2005 14 August :: 11.10pm

wishing on a million stars wouldn't make a difference.

:: 2005 12 August :: 12.21am

how did it end up like this?

:: 2005 7 August :: 6.04pm
:: Mood: blah

So I ended up NOT being able to even drive to get my lisense. They said because my mom wasn't with me.. Hello- my mom now lives in Flordia. So I'm going on the 11th with the f-ing paper I need notorized. It's bull-shit.

In other good news, I have been getting all kinda cute things for school.. I bought myself a new pair of brown Vans, and some shirts from Delias, one has a cigg. on it crossed out and it says "There are cooler ways to kill yourself" haha, anyways, I have $75 pac bucks to spend at Pac Sun on Aug 14-27 or something, so I still have to get some jeans from there. I have $50 Daisy Dollars from Delias to spend, so I'll def. have fun spending those.

Works been going really good for me lately, Stephanie works with me now- so that's really cool. I like working with her. Cindy and I were talking to and she was like "JEna, you're doing really well, I wouldn't be suprised that if you kept this job that when you became 21 you'd become a shift supervisor then even assistant manager" I was like Whoa, that's cool. It just made me feel good that she said something like that. So I'm happy today.. I just have to get a new computer then I'll be really good. I already have like $1000 saved for one, I'm just looking for one now. A laptop probably.. because theres not a lot of room at my Aunt Loraines. Well.. we'll see how things go!

:: 2005 3 August :: 2.28pm
:: Mood: anxious

I'm going to get my drivers lisencse [sp?].. wish me luck. Blah.

:: 2005 1 August :: 1.39am

i don't know whats wrong with me. everything is so wrong. so now there are 3 weeks left of summer and this didn't turn out at all how i wanted. i don't really understand whats going on. how could someone use someone else so carelessly? i do have feelings even though i try not to let them show. it hurts really bad, because i thought he was a friend, but most of all, because i thought he cared about me. i know now that he never cared. and the only definition of friends he wanted to be were the kind that fool around without committment. i know its my fault. leslie says i shouldn't take the blame, but there is no excuse for me thinking there was any more there than there is. i thought he was a different person and i thought that i had found someone that would be perfect. i couldn't have been more wrong. but the part that hurts the worse is that i still love him as much as ever. and that is why my heart is broken. the love of my life feels nothing for me. he just used me for a fling. if i cried forever i still wouldn't have let all of the tears out from this. i don't know when i will be able to get over it. i trusted him, i loved him, and i should have known that i meant nothing to him. i don't know what to do now. i go back to school in 3 weeks. i know i will think about him every day and that just makes it harder to deal with. i guess its just going to have to hurt really bad before it can start to get better. hopefully someday it will get better. hopefully someday i can move on.

:: 2005 29 July :: 7.19pm
:: Mood: blah

NEW PICTURES.. FINIALLY!!

click on "New Pictures" there's a new picture of her.. :-P

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:: 2005 28 July :: 2.46am

i don't know what i'm doing. i'm wasting my life away on someone who doesn't even love me. someone who isn't even a real friend. how could this happen to me?

:: 2005 24 July :: 8.17pm
:: Mood: blah

So I've been spending a lot of money lately. I went up to the Grove City outlets and spent $498.87. I got all kinda cute things from Pac Sun, Rue 21, The Gap, and American Eagle. So I'm happy. I still need to get a few more things though..

Yes, I really do have a lot of money. Yes, I'm rich. Yes yes yes. Muahahaaaa.

..seriously.

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:: 2005 19 July :: 11.49pm

i don't know what to do. whatever happens is going to be my fault. i knew this summer was going to be either really bad or really good. i thought at first it had potential, but 4 good nights soon turned into wishing he would call or write and slowly realizing that he wasn't going to. i have to go back to school soon and i'm going to miss him. and i know he won't miss me and he'll just move on. it hurts because i thought there was more between us than what there ended up being. so now all i have to do is sit here on msn listening to "end of the road" by boyz ii men and praying that maybe he'll sign on but knowing that he won't because he is out with his friends. so i don't know whether i should write to him or just leave it be. i guess i will just leave it be. i guess it was never working anyway.

:: 2005 5 July :: 11.21pm
:: Mood: depressed

So last night was the fireworks down Richardson.. they were a lot better than Cokeburgs.. but anyways. I saw a bunch of people down there, I talked to some people.. well one person in perticular. But anyways, I'm just so depressed anymore.

I work all the time, other than that I really don't do anything.

Sorry I never update or leave anyone any comments. I hardley have time.. plus, I don't have a computer anymore.. so blah.

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:: 2005 4 July :: 11.30pm
:: Mood: high or something..

I saw him tonight.. I wanted to kiss him.. but I just glanced.

maybe someday..

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:: 2005 4 July :: 10.04am
:: Mood: depressed

So much has been happening lately. I got my report card, I passed everything except accounting.. We all went to see the fireworks in Cokeburg last night, they were boring.. or maybe it's just because I'm getting older.. but Kelly Rochelle and I are going to Richardson tonight.. I have to work 5-close tonight and that sucks, but oh well. Okay// that's all. see ya.

oh wait, i saw someone last night.. it always hurts to know something that no one else does. it always hurts to see him happy.. when i'm not.

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:: 2005 4 July :: 1.31am

everything reminds me of him. everything hurts. the passenger's seat, the songs, the roads, the deer, the e-mails. everything. i miss him. i miss how things used to be. those old e-mails hurt the worst. it seemed like maybe he cared. i thought he liked me. but why would he? he could have any girl he wanted. he will have any girl he wants. he will forget i even existed. and why wouldn't he. i never was anything to him but an aquaintance and a cheap thrill.

:: 2005 30 June :: 11.47pm

i guess i can't really tell him whats bothering me. we're just friends even though i love him. i guess all i can really do is act the same as usual and hope for the best.

:: 2005 30 June :: 1.11am

yeah i guess they're right, i'm not good for anything. i have a problem. but i can't talk about it. it automatically becomes leslie's problem. it automatically becomes that i don't try. whats the point of trying when you know you're going to fail. they've all got big dreams. i've got nothing now. i'm ready to go. its just a joke to everyone. so funny. i'm laughing, i really am. i don't know why it bothers me so much. maybe its because the only person i care about in this whole world doesn't feel anything for me. how could this happen?

:: 2005 29 June :: 12.12am

i hope someday i won't think about him every second. i hope someday i find someone who loves me and actually wants to kiss me. i should have known better than this.

:: 2005 27 June :: 11.26pm

i can't deal with this. i just can't. i hate that he doesn't care about me. i regret everything i've ever done with him. i regret kissing him with my eyes closed so tight. i prayed so hard that it would mean something to him. i thought maybe he wouldn't use me... i thought things would work out... but i obviously thought very wrong. i know i'm better off never to see him again. "my only fear, my only hope, is letting go." maybe someday i'll find someone. maybe someday i'll be able to feel something other than regret and hurt. i thought i'd regret it more if i missed the chance, but now i know i'll never be able to forgive myself for what i have done. i wish i could run away. and i wish i never met him.

:: 2005 26 June :: 2.11am

i think maybe i could get through this if it weren't for her. maybe i should tell her.

:: 2005 25 June :: 12.34am

it shouldn't bother me, but it does. i wish she wouldn't write him things saying love ya kid and things like that. it also hurts that he treats her the same way he does me. its a sure sign that there is nothing between us. i should just give up now before i hurt myself worse. i'm really going to try to just be friends with him. even though he's the only thing in this world i care about.

:: 2005 21 June :: 12.39am

i guess i'm sort of speechless right now. i would like to tell him what is on my mind but he hasn't bothered to call or write since that night. i can take a hint. i'm nothing to him and i knew that before. i really don't know why i thought i could make things different. and now thinking back i truly realize that i was nothing to him but a cheap thrill. it wasn't worth it to me. it hurts. i knew he didn't care about me. why did i let myself be so stupid. i really didn't think he was that kind of person. but now i know i'm just a joke to him and his friends. i'll never be more. i wish i could just forget about it, and move on. but the worst part of everything is that i can't stop thinking about him. every single day its like a new stab in my heart. its been more than a week since last time. i saw him tonight. we're supposed to be keeping this a secret, which really means he doesn't want anyone to know. although thats not for my sake, its just to keep emberassment away from him. he has nothing to worry about. after all, his clothes didn't come off. all i am is a whore now. and now thats all i'll ever be.

:: 2005 20 June :: 12.35am

its obvious that its over.

and don't you dare ask why

:: 2005 18 June :: 12.13am
:: Music: "you shouldn't kiss me like this" -toby keith

when you kiss me like this i think you mean it like that, if you do baby kiss me again...

i'm trying to forget how bad it hurts. but its not working.

:: 2005 15 June :: 10.42am
:: Mood: lonely

I'm at Kelly's house again.. yesterday I bought myself a digital camera.. $200 for a sony 4 meg digi cam, 50 for the memory card, 10 for the rechargable batteries, and 2 for the cheap case I got for it. Now I feel better, since I've got it.. now all I need is a computer. But I'm working on that.

My mom is moving to phili.. along with George and my sisters.. I don't really know what else to say about that.. too much to be said I guess.

Guys=shit. That's really all I can say. Jim and I are still just friends.. and I'm not with anyone right now, I'm not looking either. I'm okay with the way things are. I guess.

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:: 2005 13 June :: 11.46pm

i know this isn't real love. but i'll take whatever you're willing to give me. and i'll take it with a smile.

:: 2005 12 June :: 11.44pm

i feel that for the first time i can actually say he broke my heart. i guess i'll never really know what made me let it go so far knowing it meant nothing at all to him. i guess i thought i could change his mind. but now all i am is his whore that he can call to get whatever he wants whenever he wants it, no strings attached. not even requiring a kiss goodnight. every time i see him it happens all over again. i think there could be something there and then i end up crying on my way home. why can't i push him away? why can't i let him go? all he has to do is show some small sign of affection and i'm completely his. it really does break my heart. and its all my fault.

:: 2005 8 June :: 3.59am

i never imagined love could hurt so bad. and its just getting worse. i don't know what to do.

:: 2005 7 June :: 11.45pm
:: Mood: depressed

So I can't believe that I missed my doctors apointment today.. ahhh my God. I'm so pissed at myself!

I've just been in such a down mood lately, I don't know. Everything just sucks all the time. It's like a non-stop suck fest. I'm so tired all the time, I have no energy, and I'm fed up with everyones shit.

Lately, I've been noticing that everyones trying to be nice to everyone.. why? What do friends do for you? Oh wait, nothing.

That's all I have to say tonight about anything. I'm in such a bad mood.

Disreguard this entry.

:: 2005 7 June :: 7.17pm

well I haven't updated in forever.. so I'm just gonna outline what happened.

I'm talking to my mom again.. long story, no time to tell.

Kelly moved, my aunt clara and uncle gene are moving in.

I'm still living with my aunt loraine and uncle don..

I got the job at Rite Aid. I really like it.

Right now Jim, Kelly and I are going to see Steph at the hospital.. she had her baby!!

call me.. 986 1260 (my cell)

:: 2005 6 June :: 10.20pm

i knew it was wrong and i knew it would hurt, so why did i do it?