Eyes are the size of the moon...

:: 2005 19 May :: 8.25pm
:: Mood: depressed

the drops of rain they fall all over
this awkward silence makes me crazy
the glow inside burns light upon her
i'll try to kiss you if you let me
(this can't be the end) tidal waves
they rip right through me, tears from
eyes worn cold and sad. pick me up
now, i need you so bad.

:: 2005 19 May :: 12.15am

what have i done? i'm lost and i need help. i don't know what to do.

:: 2005 17 May :: 12.11am

i knew it would hurt when he didn't call. i don't want to sit up all night waiting for something thats not coming. i knew it would hurt to expect something that was never there. sometimes i wish he would never have talked to me at all. he breaks my heart but i know he doesn't realize it. he doesn't know how much i need him. he doesn't know how bad i want him. even when i tell him, he doesn't comprehend. i didn't think it would be this hard to figure out what to do. and now i've gone and said some things. so now i have to fix it. but all i really want to do is call him mine. but i can't, because he doesn't want me. he only wants to use me.

:: 2005 16 May :: 11.31am
:: Mood: melancholy

So.. I think that I'm finially ready to talk about it.. even though it's been almost a week.

Wed. night my mom called me at 11:30 and blamed me for all her problems and told me she was going to kill herself. I heard her taking the pills while she was on the phone with me.. and she kept saying how I have a new mom now and how that I don't need her anymore. Well during all this my Uncle Don and cousin Bridget were standing by me. I just sat there the whole time not saying anything to her. I just sat there and listened. Then she said "Bye Jena, make sure you tell Gabrielle that her Grandma was an asshole." and then she hung up. I called 911 and they sent the police over. The police officer called me and told me that she was fine.. "a little drunk, but there's nothing that we can do about that." I told him that I heard her take the pills, but they still didn't do anything. Yeah, thanks a lot assholes. ya know? So I tried to call George.. no answer. Yeah, WHERE WAS HE WHEN THIS HAPPENED?? So I tried to call Dustin, then I tried to call the house, then Matt.. finially I got ahold of Matt and he didn't help any because he was at the bar working and he didn't know where anyone was. Well then after I tried to call Dustin and George again.. my mom kept calling me. Bridget answered the phone and kept telling her that I didn't want to talk to her. She kept calling and calling. 911 called me back, they said that if there were anymore problems to call them back. It was about 12:45 or so when I called Dustin and he answered- he said that he was home and that mom was okay and I felt like he blamed me for doing this to her.. but he didn't come directly out and say it. He told me that he thinks she's okay and that if anything happens he'd call me. Well he called me. About a half hour later. "the Ambulance is on it's way. But I need you to go to the hospital they need to talk to her since she called you." So Bridget called Leah then her and her friend Mike came to pick us up. He took all of us to the hospital, we waited for about an hour before they called me back for her information. Then the nurse called Bridget, Leah and I into the back "The doctor will be in to talk to you in just a minute." The doctor walks in, I remember this part so clearly.. The doctor walks in, sits down and just says "She took a bottle of Flexeral [muscle relaxers] She's in critical condition and her chances aren't looking good.. she's on a ventalator right now.. if you want to go see her you better go now because she could go at anytime." He asked if we had any questions I shook my head then he left. I told them I didn't want to see her. I remember just sitting there, I don't remember how long we were in that little room but I know that I won't ever forget.. I just sat there and didn't do anything. I didn't cry until later that night on the car ride home. I broke down. My mom tried to kill herself because of me. That kept running through my head that my mom is almost dead because of everything that I did. How could she put that kind of responsibility on her child? I don't know, but she did.

I didn't cry after that the whole night, until the next day in school. I went home and just watched tv. By that time everyone was up trying to talk to me.. but I couldn't talk to anyone. I just sat there. I was kinda stunned. I remember trying to sleep but just laying there, not doing anything. It was 3:30 when the phone rang. It was my Aunt Diana, saying that my mom was going to be okay. I went to sleep at 5:00, got up at 5:45 got ready, and went to school Thursday. It was 2nd period when I went down to see the guidance counsler, and told her everything. She made my Aunt Loraine come pick me up and go see a counsler. I'm going once a week to see her now.. Karen is her name. She's nice.

Life now? I still don't talk to my mom, I don't ever want to talk to her again. I just feel bad for my two little sisters because they have to deal with all the shit that I grew up with all my life. I don't want that but what am I going to do? I have a daughters life to consider now. I just hope they know that I love and miss them.. because I do. A lot.

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:: 2005 12 May :: 10.12am
:: Mood: depressed

It's funny how people can talk about me behind my back, but not say anything to my face.

You don't even know half the story, so you don't have any room to say shit, bitch.

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:: 2005 11 May :: 9.44pm
:: Music: norah jones

la da la da de da. i'm bored. exams tomorrow. then home. yay.

:: 2005 9 May :: 4.25pm
:: Music: swing swing

we'll be okay... i know we will.

:: 2005 8 May :: 11.12am
:: Mood: dorky

Prom was great, we all had a great time. Chuck and I slow danced.. aww. Randi, Amy, Becky, Chuck, Jake and I danced together and had so much fun. Everyone looked really cute and I'll post pictures of it later. I have them on my cousins digital camera. Becky left early for some unknown reason and didn't say bye. I'm still waiting for her reply on that to see what happened.

Kennywood yesterday was fun to, it didn't rain like it was supposed to.

Happy Mothers day! (It's my first!) Very cool.

Right now Amy and I are dying my hair BLONDE underneath.. scary. I gotta go rinse it out. <3

:: 2005 8 May :: 3.14am

its so hard to be in love with someone who doesn't exist.

:: 2005 6 May :: 11.44pm
:: Mood: confused

if i do this i'm a whore.
if i don't i'm a tease.

:: 2005 5 May :: 12.57am

journal entries are like so fucking incredible.
fuck fuck fuck
does that mean something?
like what am i going to do
hahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhaha
and ok
i'm ok
8 more days
fuck fuck fuck
hahahahahahahaha
yep.

:: 2005 4 May :: 9.11pm
:: Mood: ecstatic

whoaaaa.. best night EVER!!

:: 2005 4 May :: 3.15pm
:: Mood: good
:: Music: "we looked like giants" death cab

"God bless the daylight, the sugary smell of springtime..."
today was one of those days where you can walk around and you know its good to be alive. that smell was there. fresh air and the faintest scent of cigarette smoke. something about it makes me smile. maybe its just that its the last day of classes for the semester. maybe its that its almost summer and in a week i'll be heading home. maybe its that it finally feels right to be here. funny how things work like that. now that i feel at home here, its time to move on...

:: 2005 3 May :: 10.11am
:: Mood: cold

I'm cold.. and I look like crap. Buuuut anyways.

Jim and I are going to Kennywood after prom. I got my dress, Becky and I went to get ours together.. mine is dark blue.. I'll put a picture of it up sometime next week.

Kelly and I have been going to Drivers Theory everyday from 5-8:30.. it's so boring sometimes, but we always end up ordering pizza or eating something. So that's cool. It's a small class- which is good because I hate big classes.

Jim and I? I don't know what to do.. we're so good together, but I can't ignore that I like someone else. Should I ignore the feelings and just get back with Jim? I mean, he's trying so hard to do everything that I want him to.. I wish I knew what to do.

Gabrielle is 7 months already.. I'll have to put up a picture of her when I put up a picture of my dress. She's getting so big.

Sunday=Mothers Day!!! It's my first Mothers Day! Awww.

I'm so bored right now, Becky told me to update because I never do anymore.. I'm so busy. Weekends I try to please everyone and go out with friends, with this one guy, Jim, my Aunt Loraine and it's hard. Weekdays I'm busy with school, then going to Drivers Theory.. I hardly get to see Gabrielle anymore.

I don't know whether or not to send Darlene (my "mom") a Mothers Day card.

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:: 2005 2 May :: 11.29pm
:: Mood: ehhh
:: Music: "out of reach" the get up kids

i forgot how good this was
so i decided while showering tonight that i'm just going to go for it. summer flings are just that. so why not? maybe it will be fun while it lasts.

:: 2005 30 April :: 8.03pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: the dull roar of baseball on tv

what?
so i'm down to 2 weeks. then i don't know what will happen. i hope its more than a summer fling, but i might be content with just that.

:: 2005 29 April :: 10.23am
:: Mood: gloomy
:: Music: papa roach - done with you

I count the days that we have spent apart
I've got a bad liver and a broken heart
Theres no salvation in the comfort of you
I finally realized your tearing me apart

So help me, save me, tell me that the end is near
Help me, save me, tell me that the end is near
I am done with you

You make my life completely miserable
You drove me to the edge,
you've caused me all this pain
But I've always loved you
cause your oh so special
I'm broken and I'm alone and I can't maintain

:: 2005 26 April :: 10.13am
:: Mood: dorky

I have the worst cramps.

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:: 2005 18 April :: 9.03pm

TODAY- Amy, Becky, Kelly, Jake and I went to the baseball game. I went to see my best friend George play. He's the coooooooooolest guy I know.

It was a good time. ;)

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:: 2005 17 April :: 1.03pm
:: Mood: confused

So Jim and I are just friends now.

He's trying everything to get me to come back though.

He makes me feel guilty.

But I'm not happy anymore. I haven't been for a long time.

We'll see how things go.

:: 2005 13 April :: 9.41pm
:: Mood: bored

Bridg picked me up at school today, then we stopped at McDonalds to get something to eat.

I went over Jims house about 6:00, then we drove out to McDonalds again to see all the teachers work.. we drove around for like an hour and a half to different places, we stopped and saw Ben he was walking somewhere.. then we went back to his house and chilled, then Gab him and I came back out here and then he went home.

BYE

:: 2005 12 April :: 10.01pm
:: Mood: stressed

Yesterday Aunt Loraine, Donnie, Gabrielle, Gram and I went to get the rest of my things at Darlenes house [I no longer call her Mom.] We had stopped out at the Sand Bar to see if they were there, they weren't so we went to Jays Sports Bar because Matt told us they were there. So we went there and Anna was in the front room playing a game all by her self.. Darlene George and Samamtha were on the deck. They were yelling at her because she stole something. They were both drunk off their asses, sitting there telling Samantha in front of everyone. It had to have been embarassing for her. So I asked Darlene if when I stopped at their house if I could take the crib, or if she wanted it. She was like "No, it's mine- you can't have it." I said fine. Then my Aunt Loraine tried to talk to her and Darlene started yelling at her to get out of her face, to leave her alone and all this other stuff. So she went to try to talk to George about getting the old house tore down and he told her to "shut up and leave." So we left, I gave Anna a hug, and Samantha a kiss.

We went to the house and they had bolted the door shut so I couldn't get in with my key. I called Dustin and he said that he'd just come get me today and I could get my things. On our way back through Southpointe, I saw Samantha standing outside the bar so we stopped so I could see what was wrong. She was crying and saying that she hated Darlene and that she wanted to go live with her dad. I told her that if she ever needed anything or if she wanted me to go pick her up that all she needed to do is to call me.

An hour or so later Sam called and told me that Darlene hit her. So I told her to go up and just lock herself up in the bathroom.

I no longer talk to her, or want anything to do with her. If she's going to be like that- I'll do the same right back to her and throw it in her face. She can have Gabrielles crib. I'd much rather get another one than to use ANYTHING that she's bought Gabrielle.

Today was my Uncle Dons birthday so we had a little cake and everything for her.. it was nice Greg, Tiff, Hailey, and Jim came out.

<3

:: 2005 9 April :: 11.28am
:: Mood: angry
:: Music: three doors down - loser

Everything's just pissing me off anymore.

So my mother stopped by my Aunt Loraines house Friday to see Gabrielle and my Gram I guess. She told my Gram that she was definitely not moving back to where we were.
My Mom and George went down to Flordia for last weekend- they're looking for a house. Good, let them leave I'm probably better off without them anyways.. I'll miss my sisters Sam and Anna. But what am I going to do? I don't know.. it just pisses me off that because I moved out- my Mom won't talk to anyone on our side of the family. Yeah, GROW UP! Live in REALITY- not your own little world! But whatever- once again what can I do about it?
I just feel bad for my sisters because they still have to deal with her and all her shit she puts everyone through.

I feel so dumb because I don't have anything anymore. It's weird. We were in Child Development Friday and Mrs. Taylor was like "all of you can bring in stuffed bears" I was like "well, I don't have one" and Sarah was like "Who doesn't have one??" Uhhh-- I don't! Everything in my house had to be replaced. Lol, it made me feel bad.. I'm more worried about getting Gabrielle everything that she needs more than I'm worried about myself. So whatever, I'd rather her have everything than myself.

But enough about depressing things.. let's go on about Friday night.
Amy & Beck came to pick me up and we rode around for a little while then we went to the talent show and worked the consession stands.. after that we went back to Amy's house, then drove down to Jims house and he drove us to Wal*Mart, then his Mom called and started screaming at him because she wanted the car.. uhhh- so we went back and he dropped us off then we all went back to Amys house and watched American Pie 2 then fell asleep.. this morning Becky went home then I came back here to Amys Grams house.. I'm going home sometime tonight, going to Janies birthday party, then tomorrow I'm heading back down Cokeburg with Jim.

Gabrielle is with my Aunt Loraine.

DEFINITELY FUN WITH THE GIRLS LAST NIGHT!! HAHA
No eggs Beck! -He was sleeping?!?! YEAHHHHHHH right. Who was SAM?? ;)

Good times- no drugs! ;)

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:: 2005 6 April :: 10.33am
:: Mood: content

I went to Jims house last night. He asked me why I was so happy.

:)